Friday, April 17, 2015

Convergence: Justice League #1

How many vile jellies do you think Mera's crown has put out?

Sorry for getting all high and mighty in my cover caption with the Shakespeare reference but it's the only line of Shakespeare that I can quote! "Out vile jelly!" Man, makes me laugh every time! King Lear was his best comedy. Daughter named after an STD, a comedian that pisses everybody off with his jokes, eyes getting gouged out and ground under foot, an old man ranting about blow jobs. Hilarious!

I finally decided to pull myself away from watching Daredevil so I wouldn't completely disappoint myself by having no more Daredevil to watch. Pretty fucking good show, right? I'll always appreciate Arrow for getting this new wave of doing super hero television shows right but boy does it suck lately. Daredevil is pretty much The Wire to Arrow's Saved by the Bell. The Flash is still the best though simply because it has actual super-powered super heroes in it. Although if Iris West is going to start pulling that "I hate you forever because you didn't tell me the truth" Arrow crap, I'm going to punch her in the throat. In my imagination, of course! I would never actually hit a woman. I only fantasize about hitting women! That's not sexist or misogynistic or violent! It's a kink! And you can't shame me for my kinks, you jerk!

Anyway, look at all the women I could punch in the throat on the cover of Convergence: Justice League! Mmmm.

The fight card for this issue on the inside front cover is the same as every other inside front cover. That's making me suspect that every issue of Convergence that came out the first week is going to highlight that battle. Because why would the Justice League be living in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham? It makes no sense unless they were visiting Batman when the city was taken. Next on my stack is Nightwing/Oracle which will definitely take place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Then Speed Force which, seriously, had better take place somewhere else like Coast City or Star City or something more appropriate! And then Superman so Metropolis of some sort, right? Then the Titans so that'll be New York! And then The Question which will be I have no idea! And finally The Atom which probably takes place in Batman's scrotum. Or Giganta's vagina.

The issue begins with Supergirl flying Jesse Quick to a hospital to have her baby. So forget that thing I said about the Speed Force not taking place here. I guess everybody just happened to be in fucking Gotham when the city was taken!

I guess everybody will have an excuse to be in Gotham. What was I thinking? Of course DC isn't going to waste extra money printing up different fight cards for the inside covers of every comic each week!

Seeing Jade reminds me that I still have the final issue of She-hulk to read! I'm falling so far behind on my non-commentary comic book reading!

While the ladies are at the hospital hoping for a speedy birth (ha ha!), Gotham City is transported to Telos! And under the dome, everybody loses their super powers. Is magic a super power? I'm willing to bet just about everything is a super power except Batarangs.

Jesse gives birth to a boy, Jade loses her green coloring, and then the story jumps ahead one year later.

Kara is now into violent pornography. Look at the size of that guy's wallet chain? Rowr!

Frank Tieri is writing this and he is not a good writer. He probably wants to prove his feminist loyalties so he's sticking in this scene to prove his feminist cred. I'm going to guess that this guy touched Kara while trying to hit on her and now she's teaching him an appropriate lesson. He'll know better next time he approaches a woman that the way she dresses doesn't mean he can put his hand directly into her vagina! I mean, if he can even remember this encounter after the severe concussion and possible skull fracture he's in the process of attaining.

See? Bad man! Inappropriate! Now die!

Don't get me wrong! I'm all for a woman kicking a guy's ass for grabbing hers. If a man is physically assaulted, he's probably going to react violently. Grabbing a woman's ass is a physical assault no matter how super amazing Supergirl's bum is. I'm not criticizing Supergirl's super violent reaction. I'm just not trusting Tieri's motive for writing this scene. It feels like he's assaulting me with his need to get some of his comic book panels trending on Tumblr!

Let's look at the rest of the scene and you tell me if Tieri should be writing these women.

Tieri is forcing me to hate half of these women and I'm only on page seven!

The bouncer is doing everything possible to ensure his establishment remains a safe place for the guests and Zatanna thinks she needs to threaten him? He's been nothing but accommodating and helpful in this scene and she's being a jerk. Then I suppose this is supposed to be friendly banter but it just sounds like they don't really like each other very much. At least they share a good laugh over the fact that Congorilla has to deal with Jess's baby's dirty diapers while he babysits so she can enjoy a night out, I guess?

I think the whole scene is ruined for me because Zatanna just looks sad or upset in every panel. Have you tried smiling, Zatanna?


At least the women express that they're having a good time unwinding on ladies' night. At least everybody except Mera. She looks even sadder than Zatanna! It's because Aquaman didn't happen to be in Gotham City when the city was taken. Which means he's dead. Ha ha!

"I told you you're going to have a good time and you're going to have a good time goddammit! Look at how much fun I'm having! Whee dee fucking dee!"

Look at how angry Zee looks in that middle panel on the right side of the page! It would be one thing if she were being drawn to match the tone of her joking and trying to cheer up a friend. But this feels like she's just chastising her for being fucking sad!

Did Gotham City not arrive on Telos with clothing stores? Why is Mera still wearing her Atlantean armor for a night out? Sure, it makes her ass look fantastic but it seems like an awkward choice. Also, does an Atlantean's strength count as a super power? I would think that she's still super strong since it's just part of her physiology.

Zatanna is interrupted by Planet Brainiac explaining the rules of Multiversal Thunderdome. Let's get ready I can't finish that without paying royalties? Sorry.

Meanwhile on the other side of the other Gotham, Flashpoint Aquaman watches Planet Brainiac explain the rules. Guess who's probably going to have to fight whom?! Let the fuckfight commence!

Mera is kidnapped by Arthur's people but Jade spots them even though Jess looked "everywhere." I bet she really just ran home to check on her baby, have a quickie with Congorilla, and return to shrug her shoulders and admit that Mera is probably dead.

The Atlantean spots a bunch of women in their clubbing outfits headed toward him so he does the only rational thing to do in that situation: blow his fucking conch shell to summon the mighty Kraken! Supergirl punches it and it flies out somewhere in the wastes of Telos. I hope it lands on another battle taking place in a future Convergence comic book. Frank Tieri is writing more than just this book. Hopefully he'll act like a real writer and land this Kraken in one of his other books since this is all happening simultaneously.

Meanwhile in Aquaman's throne room, Aquaman is all, "Hey! You look just like my old wife. We're practically married!" Then he kisses her and Mera punches him in the face because it was hard enough falling for one loser named Aquaman. You really think she's going to accept an even shittier version?

I'm not even going to bother wondering how Aquaman was in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham Harbor ready to attack the city because I'm sure I must be reading this incorrectly and it actually makes sense.

The final page shows all the crazy sea life and mermen that Aquaman is summoning with his powers. And it ends with this blurb: "Lionfish, Tiger Sharks, and Aquamen--oh my! There're plenty of fish in the sea--and next, our girls are practically fighting all of 'em! Join us as the JLA take on Aquaman and his seemingly limitless Aqua-army!"

What the fuck was that bullshit? First the rehashing of The Wizard of Oz quote which is practically the most boring thing that one could say whilst playing Monopoly. But then the whole patronizing "our girls" thing and comparing their fight to finding a boyfriend with the whole "plenty of fish in the sea" thing? Not to mention why the fuck did he even end the issue with this stupid blurb?! Maybe that's the way Pre-Flashpoint comic books always ended! By the way, when does Pre-Pre-Flashpoint begin? What's the event that begins the Pre-Flashpoint DC Universe? Do we go all the way back to Zero Hour for that?

Convergence: Justice League #1 Rating: I like the roster of this team but I can't say I like the way they've been handled. But I'm probably wrong. What the fuck do I know? I'm probably just looking for reasons to complain because Frank Tieri did long term damage to my psyche with his issues of Savage Hawkman and Grifter. Does anybody know how to purposefully repress memories?

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