Gotham Academy: Endgame #1

This cover is so adorable that I'm having trouble expressing how adorable it is. I want to say it is come-in-my-pants adorable but even though that adequately describes the crazy high levels of adorable this is, it's also inappropriate, pervy, and possibly illegal.

I don't know why all of these comic books needed an Endgame tie-in except to maybe pad DC Comics' super fat wallet but if it means I get an extra issue of Maps Mizoguchi's Gotham Academy, I'm not going to complain too much.

I wonder how many Americans in colleges across the country wind up writing a term paper that compares Batman to Jesus Christ. It's probably so overdone. I would compare Jesus Christ to Jason Todd because Batman is God. Also the other stuff that totally fits like how Jesus was killed by The Joker and then came back to life by soaking in Lazarus's piss. I should go back to college now that I have the confidence to write the papers that I really want to write! I had one college professor tell me one time that he thought my papers were refreshing because I wasn't afraid to be funny in them. If he only knew how much I was holding back! I could have been come-in-his-pants funny!

I didn't mean I would come in his pants! Don't be gross!

This issue begins with the girls talking with each other but their voices are only in Narration Boxes. So Pom and Olive have to use each other's names to identify each other.

Maps identifies herself based on the subject matter.

All the students in Gotham Academy are camping out in the gymnasium. I could have just typed "gym" but I'm a go-getter! Pomeline, Olive, and Maps are sharing a tent and scary stories. Maps mentions an urban legend about somebody called The Custodian that stalks the campus of Gotham Academy battling monsters and unclogging toilets. I bet Maps clogs the fuck out of toilets. And not because she uses too much toilet paper! She just seems like a healthy shitter.

Pomeline takes the first scary story shift to tell the tale of The Night of The Joker! Or maybe something else. Perhaps The Noonday Joker Happenstance! Or The Morning The Joker Came For Coffee!

I get annoyed when people act overly enthusiastic about something simply to prove to everybody how they're like the biggest fan of the whatever. But there's no faking it in Maps! Her head is going to explode at the idea of hearing some scary stories. And then she might wind down with a Tunnels and Trolls solo adventure while Pom and Olive (PomOlive!) make out in their sleeping bag.

Pom's story is about a kid that fell ten cents short on the price of a Halloween mask he needed for his costume so he was forced to steal it! Why that no good business owner! I hope he pays for being the antagonist of this story! When Jimmy tried on the mask, he heard a voice say, "LOTS OF HAs!" and "You've stolen my heart, Jimmy!!" Which is odd because he'd actually stolen a mask of a face and not a heart. I wonder if it was The Joker's real face?! GASP!

And then Pom said, "And Jimmy is standing right behind you!" No wait. We're not to that shocking twist campfire ending yet.

Jimmy, frightened, decided to return the mask. But the store was empty and abandoned and full of cobwebs! Jimmy thought he would return the mask and then engage in a song with the stern yet understanding owner who was just happy that Jimmy had told the truth. Instead he found himself in a nightmare of Twilight Zonian proportions! He threw the mask away and ran home only to find the mask waiting for him in the closet! And then he buried it but he soon found it on top of his collection of fifteen dozen baseballs! So then he burned it! And the next day...he woke up with it as his own face!

BOO!

I can't wait to hear Maps's story!

Professor MacPherson hears the girls telling stories and pops in to see if any of them need some inappropriate teacher/student cuddling. Just for morale, of course! But they're all fine. And Maps even wants to hear more Joker stories. So MacPherson decides to tell her an old myth about a wandering jester from the highlands of North Scotland! And it's probably a real Joker story since The Joker is immortal! Remember? He's like Pennywise now!

Those who didn't act entertained were turned into props for his next act!

That was a pretty gruesome story for this comic book! And it totally freaks Pomeline out! But Maps is still running on scary story adrenaline and she needs another fix. So it's Olive's turn to tell a real Joker story because her mother has spent time in Arkham. If there's going to be a true Joker story tonight, it'll be this one! And you know how hard true Joker stories are to come by! I've been reading comic books for thirty years and I don't think I've read one yet!

It turns out it's not a story about how Sybil ran into The Joker during an Arkham riot at all. It's just a story from Sybil's childhood so it's probably as untrue as all the rest of them. But it doesn't even matter because The Joker isn't in it! It's just a story about a dumb kid that played Bloody Mary wrong and accidentally summoned the Candyman and then played with a Rubik's Cube that turned into the Hellraiser puzzle after he had a scary dream where Freddy Krueger chased him into Michael Myers' house where he got trapped in the attic by Jason Voorhees. Pshaw! Everybody's heard that story!

But Maps loves it anyway and declares it the best scary story ever! My favorite scary story is the one where Jesus keeps calling Peter up on the cross but the Roman guards keep kicking the ladder out from under him before he can hear what Jesus has to say. Man, that one is killer!

And as the girls tuck themselves into bed for the night, The Custodian keeps watch on the school keeping it safe from Joker-faced people! And The Custodian turns out to be...Headmaster Hammer!?! He's so much cooler than I thought!

Gotham Academy: Endgame #1 Rating: Did you all see how cute Maps was in this issue? What a doll! She's a breath of fresh breath! A wind in the willows! A cherry Pez after four lemon Pez! A Grandmaster of Flowers in a 2nd Edition game of Dungeons and Dragons! A real, living goat that actually turns the tables on that fucking Rachael Rosen! Maps! She deserves five songs and a bag of pineapple Lifesavers!