Tuesday, April 14, 2015

World's End #26

I forgot to buy my cake topped with Oreos to eat in celebration when I finish this issue.

Last issue, Queen Lantern was the last superhero on Earth-2 still standing. He came flying in with the background music rising and going, "Scott! He saved every one of us!" Then Brian Blessed with wings flew by and was, "Who wants to live forever?!" And a bunch of people raised their hands before meekly putting them back down when they realized it was a rhetorical question being used as a battle cry to rally the troops. Then some more laser sounds went "Pyew pyew pyew!" And then, according to this cover, I guess Darkseid defeated Alan Scott and everybody went, "Awww." And then they died.

I should stop making up my own ending and read the one I paid for.

Alan Scott comes flying in and sucker punches Darkseid. He now has the power of all The Green from all existing universes so he expects his punch to smash clean through Darkseid. Instead it just bounces off and Darkseid is all, "OMEGA BEAMS BITCH!" But then Darkseid turns his back on Alan Scott because he's overconfident. So he misses it when Alan Scott heals the rest of the heroes and then dies. Or doesn't die. He does have Solomon Grumpy inside him now. So maybe it's time for Solomon Grumpy to be the hero! Although it will probably be Sam whispering that he loves and believes in Alan that will get Alan moving again.

I guess the Mister Misters are up in space just cooling their heels waiting for the survivors' ships to arrive. They're going to be waiting for a long time because apparently all of the ships crashed. Now Val-el has to go save as many survivors as he can while Power Girl and Tornado Lane distract Darkseid by headbutting his fists a whole bunch of times.

I hope we get a few pages of Dick looking for his son soon!

At this point, I just feel embarrassed for the Earth-2 heroes whenever they claim that they'll defeat Darkseid or stop Apokolips.

I guess headbutting his fists wasn't the best plan. Weird how I knew they'd try it though. Poor, predictable fools of Earth-2.

Kalibak and the Reapers and the Protofuries and the Parademons and the Hunger Dogs and the Female Furies and the War Hounds and whatever other monsters of Apokolips I've forgotten begin killing any survivors of the crashed fleets they can find. The escape plan has become a total clustefuck which is why the worst character in The New 52 has come to watch. That character's name is Oracle and fuck him. Why do writers keep acknowledging his existence?! Having a character that flies around watching worlds die while it neither acts nor speaks is exactly the same as having no character at all.

Sam does appear to Alan but for the exact opposite reason I thought he would. He tells Alan to just die already because he's lost and it's all over. What a jerk!

I bet Alan also forgets that he's gay!

Alan Scott turns into the Earth-2 version of the White Lantern. Although is he really even Alan Scott anymore? I guess he died and went to heaven with Sam. Or wherever homosexuals go where they die. Wherever it is, you know it's better than the Christian heaven. I hope they allow dead heterosexuals in.

All of the normal humans are now getting slaughtered and it's hilarious. The heroes of Earth-2 are the worst! I can't take any of them seriously when I see them falling at the hands of Kalibak who was defeated on Earth-Main-Earth by a cow turd. The people and heroes of Earth-2 are worse than a cow pie!

But wait! The new and improved and probably like 95% less gay Green Lantern has arrived with some words of wisdom!

I have no idea what this means.

Green Lantern says some other stuff that I don't really understand and then punches Darkseid with infinite earths. That's a pretty good killing blow! Although it's still no Batcow manure.

Speaking of cowshit, let's see how well this batch fares against Kalibak.

I just wish they'd get to their final destination already! I don't mean death. I mean their new Earth home in a new universe.

Dick Grayson makes an appearance but he isn't searching for his son. Instead he's using a comically huge wrench to fix a gun so that Replacement Batman can shoot one last useless round at something. Probably Kalibak.

Green Lantern begins transporting the survivors to...somewhere. I guess he's floating them up to the Mister Misters ship. Maybe Replacement Batman's last round will be used to blast Darkseid in the head to give Green Lantern enough time to save the last of the Twofers. Then maybe Replacement Batman will get hit by Darkseid's Omega Beams and travel back in time where he won't be able to find any Venom and die from the shock of withdrawal.

And then it all starts ramping up to the finale with quick single panel scenes of all the various characters we've come to know and despise!

Don't worry! He's not punching him! This is just a really aggressive hug!

Find Tommy? I mean Johnny?

Christ! Enough about your mom, Garrick. An outside observer might come to the conclusion that you've been fucking her.

Oh yeah!

Fuck you!

In the final moments, a mysterious red head shows up during the battle! Has she been looking for her son all of this time too? She, along with everybody else that didn't make it to the Mister Misters' ship in Green Lantern Bubbles, is blasted by one last Omega Beam from Darkseid. And that's it. The Earth is covered by Apokolips and the Mister Misters and the surviving Twofers escape on their Multiversal ship. It's a bit confusing since Earth-2 isn't technically dead. It's just been captured within an Apokoliptian shell. Green Lantern and Replacement Batman and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and Notwing and Barbara Gordon and Val-el have been left behind. Apparently this story continues in Convergence #1. Which is almost the next comic I'm going to read! You know, right after Convergence #0. And maybe the Blue Devil Summer Fun Annual!

Oh, and Jay Garrick's mom survived because The Flash chose to abandon her. Or something.

World's End #26 Rating: No change. This issue was extra long so it could tie everything up but it still didn't have enough pages to tell the story in a way that wasn't constantly confusing. Plus it didn't even tie up all the loose plots! I have to continue to read this story in Convergence #1! On the positive side, that issue has different writers so the story will probably go in a totally new direction. On the negative side, one of those writers is Scott Lobdell!

And with the end of this issue, DC leaves The New 52 behind. Sure, there's still issue #40 of Superman and Batman left to appear on the new comic book racks whenever DC gets its act together. But for the most part, The New 52 label is gone. The universe is still hanging around though. It'll be interesting to see how Convergence changes up that universe though. Hopefully getting out of New York and into sunny yet smoggy Los Angeles will lighten the mood at DC Comics! They'll get more Vitamin D from the sun and more Vitamin C from the oranges and more Vitamin Mickey Mouse from Disneyland. That will cause the editors to become more upbeat, whimsical, and carefree! They'll stop trying to squeeze the happiness out of every hero. It's possible some of DC's heroes will even begin to enjoy bringing justice to evil jerks!

I just realized! Was World's End and Futures End all just a metaphor for DC Comics' move to the West Coast?!

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