CONVERGENCE: AQUAMAN #1 WILL HAVE YOU SAYING "OMG WTF" WHEN YOU GET TO PAGE THIRTEEN ALTHOUGH YOU SHOULD READ ALL THE PAGES AND BUY THE COMIC TOO OR IT WON'T BE AS SURPRISING!

The King of the Seas has a lot of responsibilities you might not have known about.

Aquaman! Aquaman! Loves to suck Dolphin Cock-waman!
Sucks a dong! Any size! Afterward he curls up and cries!
Look out! Aquaman has dolphin cum all over his face!

In the deep of the sea! In the darkness of a trench!
He will lick a pee-pee! In sea cum, he'll be drenched!

I have a joke now from a six year old: "What did the one piece of naan say about a joke that another piece of naan told him? That's naansense!"

Here is a joke I wrote that isn't funny at all. It's an example of jokes that aren't funny because sometimes we need examples of jokes that aren't funny to know what jokes are funny.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Let's rape!
Let's rape who?
Seriously? You're into this suggestion?

That joke is the worst joke you can tell. Here is the best joke you can tell so you can rate any jokes you make by placing them somewhere in the spectrum of the best and the worst jokes ever:

Two men walked into a bar. The first man said, "Rape jokes are never funny." The second man said, "You got that right!" The bartender said, "Amen!" Everybody applauded.

The reason I suddenly had rape jokes on my mind is because Doom Bunny mentioned that guy who wrote the book Wet Goddess about his six month sexual relationship with a dolphin named Dolly. I said it would be interesting to read Dolly's book about the "relationship": A Dolphin's Rape Tale. Doom Bunny suggested Dolly's book should be called "The Creepy Guy Who Sneaks Into My Tank At Night" and Other Short Stories. I think that's a pretty good title.

Anyway, Aquaman!

That is a humiliating attachment.

What's worse than Aquaman? Aquaman with a wacky willy hand attachment! What's better than Aquaman? The Brave and the Bold cartoon version of Aquaman. I don't get how that hasn't become the standard portrayal of Aquaman. It's fucking genius. Somebody finally gave Aquaman a personality other than Stern Undersea King and yet it's seen as a parody or a joke character. From now on, Brave and the Bold Aquaman is the only Aquaman in my headcanon. And my late night masturbatory fantasies.

The couple rescued by Aquaman scurry away hoping not to be noticed by him. I guess he's gone a little bit crazy being separated from his fishy friends for so long. And probably Mera as well. Maybe mostly Mera. Or just the sea in general.

Cat Grant is doing a feature story on Aquaman for Dateline Metropolis because nobody has ever heard of a blog in Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis.

"He grants no interviews (get it? Cat Grant?!) so this entire report is pure speculation!"

Aquaman is paying a visit to STAR Labs because somebody needs to mention how he still retains his powers because they're part of his biology. Except for his ability to speak with fish! I was worried nobody in Metropolis could currently talk to fish and now my worst fear has been confirmed! How are the people of Metropolis getting by without an influx of new fish jokes?!

Aquaman's contact at STAR Labs is Dane Dorrance of The Sea Devils! Wow! How did Aquaman get such a huge guest star for his Convergence book?! A real, honest-to-goodness Sea Devil! If I were wearing panties, they'd be around my ankles right now!

And then Planet Brainiac interrupts your regularly scheduled Aquaman is a Schlub joke. Aquaman runs up on the roof and falls in love!

It's like in Elfquest when one Elf recognizes another Elf and is all, "Cskyr?" And the other Elf is all, "Splart?" And they're all, "We can make the babies now!" Aquaman is all, "Deathblow? Deathblow? Why is that name suddenly all I can think about?!"

Meanwhile, Deathblow has taken a field trip to the Metropolis division of the DEO. Was Mister Bones running the DEO back in 1994? Or whatever year Zero Hour took place in? Because Mister Bones making an appearance would be grand! Maybe he's waiting to star in the Infinity, Inc issue.

Deathblow murders a bunch of people because he's such a typical nineties guy! He's got death in his name! And a word used in place of "oral sex"! And he's got a lot of guns! This guy is so cool he's now my favorite comic book character ever! Also I may have never gotten over the nineties.

Oh! And he smokes cigars! He's the tip toppiest, most cat's pajamaiest super hero to ever be created!

Oh! Did you notice how he stepped on that fish!? That was like literary symbolism or something! It means he's gay! It's almost as clever as when you find out Beowulf is gay in that dragon chapter! Of course the really perceptive readers knew as soon as Grendel's mother came around to kill the man that broke her son's heart.

Convergence: Aquaman #1 Rating: I hope Deathblow wins this battle! He's such a badass! I wonder how many people thought of Deathblow as their favorite character back when he first appeared? I suppose anyone who was a thirteen year old male idiot at the time he came on the comic book scene was probably a fan. I know I'm a fan! Although he was more interesting when he was black in The New 52 Grifter! You know, before he was bleached white in The New 52 Deathstroke!