Convergence #1

Jesus Christ. I still have to read World's End? And even worse, Scott Lobdell is co-writing it!

Now that the back story has been explained in Convergence #0, I hope we dive right into the different realities battling each other. It's Hunger Royale but better because I know all of the combatants. I have to hope that Batman and the Outsiders take the title because Halo is dreamy. Although I don't even really know how the realities are going to compete with each other. I think they're just going to mix and match so that fans can see some of their favorite characters interact with some of their other favorite characters that they normally, under normal DC Rules, wouldn't be able to interact with.

And by "interact," of course I mean fuck.

Convergence begins with Planet Brainiac destroying the heroes of Injustice Gods Among Us. I think. That's one comic book I haven't been reading because I've been avoiding the video game tie-ins, no matter how good they are. Look, I'm not reading comic books based on how good they are! I'm just reading a whole bunch of arbitrarily grouped comic books because I'm a masochist and an idiot. If I was into well-written comic books, do you think I would have picked up this one with Scott Lobdell's name right there on the cover? I'm, at the very least, smart enough to know he's a horrible writer. Don't anybody tell him I said that, though. I don't want him to be a horrible writer and sad that people know he's a horrible writer. It's bad enough he has to live with the knowledge every day. I'm sure his garage full of X-men money helps console him.

Planet Brainiac mentioned one of the experiments of Mega-Brainiac being a failure and then said it was an injustice last issue. So this must be the collected timeline that he was talking about. It's probably a failure because, within it, Superman hasn't sacrificed himself for a kitten stuck in a tree.

After the Injustice Gods Among Us world is destroyed, Planet Brainiac returns to an empty expanse of dirt and rocks. But then a super gay portal opens up in the sky and a Dick falls out! It's Dick Grayson of Earth-2! I really don't think he's going to find his son way out here. Replacement Batman also falls out of the portal which, as you might be able to tell because I called it "super gay," was probably opened by Alan Scott in a last ditch desperate attempt to flee from Darkseid. Especially since the Mister Misters ditched these guys. I imagine Alan, Val, The Flash, and Barbara Grayson won't be far behind.

Everybody but Babs appears (she'll be a big surprise to Dick so they can't bring her immediately along with everybody else) and Val wonders where they are. Replacement Batman, who, I suppose now that the whole Earth-2/World's End thing is over, I'll just start calling Batman, has some thoughts about that!

Those aren't thoughts about where y'all are! That's just a restating of events with a pretty flimsy speculation tacked onto the end!

Dick Grayson punches Batman in the face for expressing that opinion. While it might not have been very informative, I don't think it deserved a sock to the jaw. I wouldn't be blaming Batman because you lost your stupid kid, Dick! That's on you for constantly abandoning him and then three seconds later regretting your decision. Don't make me start hating Dick Grayson again! I thought those years of my life were over now that Dick finally matured and became a peer to Batman. I know this Dick Grayson doesn't have anything going for him because he's a hack writer and a crappy father and even worse husband who just sat back and watched his wife get shot. At least he won't have to live with that failure for much longer since Babs is right there on the cover waiting to ask him where their son is.

After Dick blames everybody except Darkseid for the death of all of the Twofers, Jay Garrick punches him in the throat. He's all, "I lost my fucking mother, you asshole! And by 'fucking mother,' yes I mean I was fucking her!" I wonder if Val is going to get caught up in all the punching and decide violence looks fun.

Whoops! Wrong red head. I guess Babs is still taking her dirt nap. You can see how I would have been mistaken since the colorist has kind of gotten the skin tone wrong.

I bet Jay Garrick begins zipping around digging at the ground hoping he'll find his mom to reenact this scene.

Alan Scott knows nothing about the portal that brought them here even though it looked just like all the colored light shows he created once he integrated all of the other Avatars. I guess Planet Brainiac collected them himself but since he's new at it, he was only able to capture a few people instead of a whole city. Or maybe that stupid fucking Oracle works for Mega-Brainiac and it transfers timelines to Mega-Brainiac's collection. I'm sure Planet Brainiac will be along in a page or two to explain everything.

Planet Brainiac is just new at his job and totally incompetent.

Planet Brainiac might be a little Space Mad. I think he's just making shit up now because he's been isolated from everything (including time and space) for so long. So he takes it as a sign that collecting these people without a city means they're the last of the objects to ever be collected. The fact that his Master has disappeared is probably a pretty good sign too. But since these are the last occupants of Hunger Royale World (aka Telos), it's time for some motherfuckin' MULTIVERSAL THUNDERDOME!

Apparently, just like Thunderdome and all of the other Thunderdome knock-offs, two (or more!) cities enter and just one city leaves. The winning city gets to be reinstated into the DC Universe. Come on, Batman and the Outsiders! Kick some ass!

This issue ends with ten more comic book worlds that will make an appearance in Convergence. My personal favorite in this grouping is the League of Shadow Universe from Doom Patrol #53. That's basically another Marvel satire universe. If I remember correctly, that story was a parody of "This Man...This Monster!" And even though the Doom Patrol universe is going up against some pretty good competition like Reverse Gender Universe and New Frontiers Universe and Animal Man's Dreamworld, I've got to root for the good old Doom Patrol!