Convergence: Superman #1

Sideburns ain't nuthin' but face pubes.

Let's find out why Superman was in Gotham just before Flash fucked up everything with Flashpoint and caused Superman's timeline to cease to exist. I bet he's sad and angry that Lois was in Metropolis and now he's had to live without her for a year. And he's probably angry at Batman because I'm sure Batman was the one that convinced him to come down to Gotham for the day. On the plus side, Clark Kent's biggest competition at the Gotham Gazette is Vicki Vale! And her writing is shit!

Hopefully without his super-metabolism, Clark Kent hasn't gotten super fat. I'm surprised Wally West wasn't four hundred pounds since he's used to eating about twenty thousand calories per day.

It turns out Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen are also trapped in Gotham. Go figure! I guess since Pre-Flashpoint Gotham is going to be the city that survives (either that or every city will survive because somebody will teach Planet Brainiac about Tic-Tac-Toe), DC Comics had to pack it as full of Preboot characters as they could manage. And even though Gotham is full of completely capable Bat-Kids and Bat-Adults and Bat-Cousins, Clark Kent has decided the streets need him to protect the city as well, with Lois Lane as his Oracle.

I wish Bruce could have forced him to wear the Robin suit!

Superman regains his powers right before he's blasted with a flamethrower. Good thing Telos must be around a yellow sun! Oh wait, Telos is outside of space and time. Good thing Superman was still full of solar charge! Oh wait! He was human for a full year and couldn't have recharged! Good thing this is a comic book then!

Lois, Jimmy, and Clark were in Gotham for a news convention. Come on, Dan Jurgens! You could have come up with a better reason than that! Maybe they were in town to dig up some information on some communist spies smuggling nuclear secrets out of the country! Or perhaps they were in Gotham to attend the movie premier of Predators! Or perhaps Lois is a huge Bon Jovi fan and they were attending a concert! But a news convention? How boring! I'd rather they were attending a computer expo to see Commodore reveal their new 68000 computer, the Amiga!

Superman ditches Jimmy Olsen because fuck Jimmy Olsen. Who wants to hang out with him when you don't have to? The dome is gone! Time to scoop up Lois and her big fat pregnant belly and fly back to Metropolis!

Oh yeah. Lois is pregnant. I guess having your super ejaculate taken away for a year has its advantages. Or disadvantages if you see babies as parasitic curses the way I do!

Clark and Lois discuss how nice it's been to not have the entire world depending on Superman for every little thing. They've had time to fuck and fuck and fuck some more. What else do couples in love do? Oh! Mutual masturbation!

Superman missed Planet Brainiac's message while it was happening so Lois plays a recording of it. When Superman hears that he's now just another junior high school Japanese kid on a mystery island with a random weapon, he's all, "Fuck this shit! I'm gonna save everybody, fuckers!" Jesus Christ, that guy sure has developed a mouth since living in Gotham for a year.

Meanwhile in the Flashpoint Universe where everything is terrible...

How did the Flashpoint Universe get so terrible just because Nora Allen survived? She must have been just an awful person.

Superman is attacked by Captain Thunder, Green Lantern, and Cyborg. He begins to reason with them the way Superman should always reason with everybody since he's invulnerable to practically everything. I mean, he reasons with them after punching Shazam's counterpart in the face. But just as Green Lantern and Cyborg are about to drop their offensive attack and talk it out, that idiot Jimmy Olsen comes roaring up in an experimental spaceship and attacks.

Scrawny, emaciated Flashpoint Superman heads to Preboot Gotham because he hears Lois Lane's voice. She was the only person in the Flashpoint Universe to never kick sand in his face on the beach, so he'd like to go flirt impotently with her. Even if she wasn't pregnant and in love with the seeder, she'd never fall for this insecure twerp.

Thomas Wayne realizes that the other Gotham might house his son, so he begins writing another letter. "Dear Almost Son, Did you get my first letter? I love you so much! Do you love me? Please mark the appropriate box. YES: __ NO: __"

"Clark! There's an overly friendly nerd in our apartment!"

Convergence: Superman #1 Rating: I need to recheck who wrote this issue. Yep, it was Dan Jurgens. Well, what can I say? Good job, Dan! This works! The only small complaint I have is how Jimmy Olsen was only used in two or three panels to make sure that Superman winds up in a fight instead of a discussion. But I blame that on the two issue format of the story. I get that Dan has to keep the action moving along while getting a decent story told in two issues. At least he's got the characters acting how they would normally act. That includes Jimmy Olsen jumping in to help and screwing the pooch and the other pooch and the whole kennel full of pooches too. In a situation like this where Superman refuses to participate in the Battle Royale, he needs to be forced into defending himself. And I'm fine with that! As long as he continues to try to save every single person on Planet Brainiac once he's knocked back his competition and he can formulate a plan. I'm counting on Supes to not just save one city but to save the entire world. And, while he's at it, make Planet Brainiac feel good about failing. Or maybe that will be Lois's job.

Holy shit, I bet Vicki Vale killed herself when she realized Lois Lane was stuck in the dome with her!