Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #1

I have nothing worthwhile to say about Steel.

So. John Henry, steel driving man! I get it! Now that the whole joke is understood, what's left of this character? He's like a guy, right? And Superman is dead so this guy takes over or something. He's like, "Hey! Superman is dead! Job opening!" And the Super Hero Union is all, "Boo! Scab! Scab! Boo!" But Steel sticks to his hammer and he's all, "BANG! BANG! BANG!" At least while John Henry was out there protecting Metropolis, Lex Luthor had time to take a vacation. I bet with Superman dead, Luthor's blood pressure dropped like three sizes, or whatever blood pressure is measured in. Cubits?

Maybe this is just the comic book to make me fall in love with John Henry! At the very least, maybe it will provide some sweet old fashioned wank material.

I really don't know anything about Steel!

Well look at that! I nailed the most important aspect of the character! Scab!

Apparently the Dome understands the difference between Comic Book Gadgets and Closer To Real Life Gadgets. So Steel's costume still works because it's a bunch of riveted pieces of armor covering his body with jet propulsion boots. Although if he's got that organic metal, I'm going to stuff my fist straight up my ass so I can punch myself in the stomach without the muscles in the way. I don't know why I'm going to do that to myself. Self-hating hater, I guess. Anyway, so Steel's shit works but Roy Harper's cybernetic arm and Ray Palmer's Shrink-a-dink Belt ceased working because they're too comic booky, right? However it works, the day the Dome dropped over Metropolis was the day Steel became the happiest clam in shit full of methamphetamine! Unless the saying is happier than a pig wearing lipstick on a morphine drip?

By the way, the creator of Steel is writing this issue so it should be totally authentic and any arguments I might have against how well-written it is are instantly invalid. It's a good thing I already mentioned that I know nothing about the character! How embarrassing if I began telling the creator of Steel, Louise Simonson, how to write her boring character!

Judging by the decor, Steel lives in an old brewery with his niece, her cat Allie Cat who is going to become Streaky soon (I hope) because they're experimenting on the poor thing, a Professor Hamilton who was mentioned previously in the Pre-Flashpoint Universe in Superman (so that might be important! Maybe all of the Professor Hamiltons will work together to save all the cities! Or at least each of the cities that is home to a Professor Hamilton. Is there a Doc Hamilton in El Inferno?), and some kid playing a Gameboy or something. Judging by the cover, he'll be a Junior Steel along with Natasha (Ah! Satan!).

As Steel and the others are pretending that shooting a cat full of nano-particles scratched off of the inner Dome is legitimate science and not just cruelty, two people in green and yellow armor crash through the walls of the S.T.A.R. Brewery and fly out the other side as they battle.

"Holy shit! It didn't die from the bullshit I subected it to! I mean: Yes! I'm a genius! Inject some of that shit into yourselves, kids!"

Steel's fight against the Ex-Lex-Luthor Rangerbotmen begins to damage Bibbo's bar! Missiles are flying everywhere and horrible slurs are being shouted back and forth and giant hammers are smashing bad guys' lungs in! It's complete chaos! And with the odds stacked so hugely against Steel, there's no possible way he can win. Unless...unless...send in the cat!

Professor Hamilton suggests the kids put on their Junior Steel armor so they can go save Bibbo's bar. As if Bibbo needs any help! He's a rough, tough, cigar chomping, drunken, Sailor Jerry tattooed, entrepreneurial slob! And he's got a shotgun! And an attitude! Of course, he's no Sean Noonan!

Just when Natasha and Jemahl begin thinking they're the cocks of the woks, the dome drops and all the bad guys with super powers return! First up, that perennial Metropolitan baddie: Parasite! It's not as surprising as it would have been if I'd have purchased the Chip Kidd cover.

This feels like an all ages Adventures of Superman comic book! Which isn't a bad thing. That was just a neutral observation which I can sometimes make.

As Steel sends the kids to their rooms to play with the mutated cat and get wild ideas about becoming mutated children, Steel himself heads off to put down Parasite. But that's when he runs into Gen 13! I didn't recognize Fairchild because she appears in just a Boobs pose with no butt to be seen! And she's in a really modest onesie! I recognize Grunge because Fairchild uses his name and he got his ass kicked by Superboy in The New 52. But the other members of Gen 13 I know less of than I know of Steel. I think the one with the band-aid on her knee is Scrapper and the one with fringe on her boots is Trapper and the boy on fire is Crapper.

When a few of their real names are mentioned (Burnout and Freefall), it triggers the memory that they were mentioned in the final issue (or one of the final issues) of Superboy.

Steel's not so sure he should be fighting a bunch of kids no matter what a strange voice commanded. Plus they've got a bunch of crazy super powers and Steel hasn't even been injected with organic metal yet! He's going to need help which is why Natasha dives into the battle. But she forgets the cat. When the fuck is the new Streaky going to get a chance to prove herself?!

Natasha, being just an inexperienced kid, almost gets killed by Gen 13 who are fully experienced kids. Wink, wink! Steel dives into the way of their blasts and his armor is destroyed! Oh no! What is he going to do now?! It is the end for our scab hero!

But then Parasite arrives to drain Caitlin Fairchild's power! Whatever it is! Natasha grabs Steel and takes him back to the brewery to get help as Gen 13 battles Parasite. Luckily Natasha calls Steel "Uncle Steel" in public because Caitlin begins to realize that perhaps they shouldn't be fighting other people just because a loud, ominous voice tells you to. Natasha calling Steel "uncle" is a huge clue because bad guys don't have relatives! Who would make good guys fight other good guys?! The mystery thickens like gravy!

Streaky don't give a shit.

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #1 Rating: I liked the tone of this comic book. I realize the book ended with Steel's back being broken but it still has a lighter, more carefree comic book tone that is often eschewed by comic book companies today unless it's an all ages comic book. A book like this with light continuity that affects the locale and the characters within that locale, sort of goofy dialogue, scientists injecting stray cats with syringes full of random shit, Bibbo...I could enjoy a comic book like this. Things don't have to be serious nor do they have to be realistic. When a book takes itself too seriously, unrealistic shit is annoying. But when a book is molded with this tone, I can more easily forgive smaller flaws that might usually make my head explode. This isn't going to be a major turning point in Steel's life long remembered by fans as a touchstone in the development in the medium of comic books. But it was stupid fun! I'll take stupid fun over a writer failing to be profound any day.