Convergence: Green Arrow #1

Most idiotic melee ever! At close range, I don't think bows, uzis, or grenades are your best choice of weapon.

Green Arrow must have come to Metropolis to save his city. I'm so sick of hearing him talk about saving his city on Arrow. Ollie is such an arrogant asshole! Who put you in charge, sir? What makes you think people want to live in your saved version of Starling City? Just continue to fight crime where you can and stop projecting this huge, idealistic goal onto every move you make. Although I bet I'd feel better about myself if I pretended that every act I engaged in was saving the world! I'm beginning to feel heroic already! Every word I type is another dagger in evil's spleen! Take that, politicians! And this, cops! And this and that, journalists! And more of the same to you, dog owners that think leashes are a suggestion! I shall mock and mock until the entire world falls to their knees and cries, "Save us!" And I will look down at you all from my lofty office chair and whisper, "*fap fap fap* No. *fap fap fap*"

I'm going to be so confused by this issue of Green Arrow if Christy Marx writes Ollie as an interesting and likeable character. I suppose the bar for writing a decent Green Arrow story has been set pretty low by every New 52 iteration of the character. And I'm including Lemire's version only because while it outshone every other writer's attempt at New 52 Green Arrow, it simply felt like its own thing, perhaps an Elseworlds story that slipped into main continuity which was promptly ignored after Kreisberg came on board.

Are we taking bets on whether or not a Boxing Glove Arrow is going to appear? I think Post-Crisis, Pre-Zero Hour, goatee wearing Ollie North might be too dignified for a silly old Boxing Glove Arrow. But somebody might joke about one!

The issue begins with Green Arrow keeping Edgar Allan Poe from killing himself.

He really should be flipping off the dome. I think giving the finger should be allowed in Teen Rated comic books. Who does DC think flips the bird the most?!

Green Arrow now spends his time stopping minor street crime. He should be hanging out in jail with his buddy Hal Jordan reminiscing about cross country trips where they made profound realizations about the country's problems which couldn't be fixed by a light construct or a properly placed Boxing Glove Arrow. Instead he's making sure long dead horror authors don't kill themselves with drink. Again.

Later, some white guys try to drive a Mexican family out of their block with crowbars and racisms. You can tell they're racist because they're white and love America. One even wears an American flag bandanna on his big fat bald head to show just how racist he is. The only way you'd know he was a bigger racist is if he were wearing a non-ironic trucker's cap. Oh! Like his buddy! You know their friend is racist because he's white and missing some teeth. Only no-good liberal socialist trash go to the dentist.

Um, Boy...can I call you Boy? Is that your superhero name?...you should work on your retorts.

The racists are wasting their time. Don't they know they're in a DC Comic book? If they just wait an issue or two, the Mexican family will end up Whitewashed. Although maybe knowing they're in a DC Comic book is what they're afraid of. What if the Dome drops and DC decides to reboot them as half-black or gay?!

Well for one, they'd probably wind up with a better wardrobe.

The bald guy is Connor Hawke. Most people reading this book probably knew that. I didn't know that. Perhaps if I had ever been interested in a comic book about a rich guy that wears a mask and uses primitive weapons to subdue criminals, I'd be reading Batman and then I'd have an excuse for not recognizing Connor Hawke. Instead, I just never cared about Green Arrow. Oh! That's my excuse. This whole paragraph was poorly put together. Why don't we surround it with caution tape and just walk away without looking back?

Meanwhile in the basement of the local church...

"While we're at it, somebody check out the purity levels of this guy in the red shirt. I think we've got a passer!"

These white guys might be on to something! They're fighting for a pure America and their American flag might be the first one since The New 52 began that actually got the flag exactly right! I mean, I didn't count the stars but at least the number and color of the stripes are correct.

The racists storm Connor Hawke's Race-Free Sanctuary where nobody sees color or hears cultural accents or smells strange spices sticking to people's clothes. Everybody is the same here! He fires his Green Arrow flares up into the air to create a huge green arrow pointing at his apartment building. Green Arrow sees it and thinks, "Hmm. A literal green arrow! I'm 75% certain that it's meant for me!" He then rushes to help his son save the day. I'm pretty sure Connor is his son because this issue was called "Father and Son." Perhaps I'm being too aggressive in my assumptions?

Fucking white people. And that asshole passing for white.

Green Arrow drives away the Boys of Purity and while they're running away (again), they threaten the person kicking their ass (again). They better come back with better weapons than boards with nails in them and meat cleavers. I bet they're going home to get their grenades and uzis!

With the vile, despicable, gross, problematic human beings gone (see how much I hate them? I have to make sure everybody knows how much I hate them so they don't think I like them by omission of calling them gross), Connor Hawke is able to tell Green Arrow that he's his son. Green Arrow is all, "No way! I can't be your father!" And Connor Hawke is all, "Is it because I have eyes and skin?" And Green Arrow is all, "Those are actually good things, dude."

While they discuss the upcoming Father/Son dance, Planet Brainiac drops the first, second, and other shoe. Immediately after the dome falls, Connor and Ollie wind up in a new city. Kind of. It must be Kingdom Come Metropolis because they round a corner and run into an alternate version of Dinah and a female version of Connor Hawke.

Convergence: Green Arrow #1 Rating: This felt like an episode of Jem and the Holograms except with less music. But I think I learned a lesson about racism in the requisite half an hour allotted to the story (minus commercial breaks for sugary breakfast cereal, fruit drinks in pouches, and toys). I learned that racism is ineffective as a defense against arrows; if your abandoned son ever finds you to deny, deny, deny; and if somebody winds up denying you for whatever reason, blame your stupid eyes and lousy skin and maybe your toes as well. Oh! I also learned one more thing: I'm still not a fan of Green Arrow. Keep trying, DC Comics!