Convergence: Batman and Robin #1

Oh boy! Ron Marz writing! I have not been kind to Ron Marz in the past.

This will be my first Convergence issue that isn't the weekly mini-series so I'll find out how it's going to work here. Besides the whole Multiversal Thunderdome plot, I don't really know how these stories are supposed to work. Is Red Hood from DC Comics in 2007 going to wander over and bump into 1990 Tim Drake Robin while 1987 Batman watches creepily? The only thing I know for sure is that a whole lot of writers whose writing I have described in many horrible ways have come back to be a part of the fun. Marz. Nicieza. Wolfman. Tieri. Lobdell. Maybe this whole Convergence thing isn't just a competition to see which characters get to come back into the DC Universe but also a second chance for crappy writers. I wish Liefeld wasn't so butthurt by DC Comics because I'd love to comment on more of his books. He's terrible! And I'm talking about his writing!

I notice Howard Mackie's name isn't on any of the Convergence titles. I guess DC Comics actually has some standards when it comes to hiring writers.

Now I feel bad for saying that about Howard Mackie. No, wait! Inspecting my feelings a little closer and I feel bad for Howard Mackie because he's such a crappy writer.

The inside cover of the issue has the fight card on it.

The sure bet for overall winner is the Pre-Flashpoint Universe so look for Batman (Bruce Wayne version with underwear) to beat ass on Batman (Thomas Wayne version). Unless this story takes place after Batman read his dad's letter and then maybe look for tears and hugs.

I don't know anything about El Inferno. But I am looking forward to the Extremists murdering every single member of the Amazing Zoo Crew. Of course, they'll just spring back to life due to cartoon physics and then pelt the Extremists with pies and carrots.

The issue begins with Mr. Freeze stomping on Poison Ivy's berries. I guess it's Arkham's annual field trip to the farm since alongside Mr. Freeze are Black Mask, Killer Croc, Man-Bat, and The Penguin. The Penguin wants to control the food production here in Gotham's new home on Telos. But he must have Space Madness because instead of working with a bunch of his usual thugs, Oswald thinks it's a good idea to use the Arkham crew as his gang. If there's one criminal in Gotham I would think was smart enough to avoid working with these guys, it's The Penguin. But what can you do? It's a new world! But then Oswald makes another mistake by having Man-Bat fly Poison Ivy out of her garden. How do you think the food is being produced out here, you idiot? Good luck getting anything to grow without Poison Ivy around. Besides, isn't Planet Brainiac supposed to be providing everybody with everything they need? It seems like a lot of work and hassle to make a bunch of useless money, Penguin.

But then Batman and Robin appear to save Poison Ivy's farm! Hooray!

Batman's flying vehicle was an ugly piece of shit back before Flashpoint!

Wow! I forgot how much better Pre-Flashpoint Batman and Robin were! This is so different! See how Damian Wayne has a big stick and he's mouthing off to his father?! You can just feel the sense of history tied to these characters after being told which version they are! How could DC Comics have thrown this magic away for The New 52!? And by "magic," I mean Batman's outside underwear.

"Or is that a batarang in your pocket?"

Mister Freeze gives up immediately because he's got my attitude if Portland were ever transported to a mystery planet and trapped beneath a dome. Who fucking cares about anything anymore after that? Time to just get drunk and read shit until I died.

Damian's really improved his one-liners while battling villains. When he sees Black Mask, Damian is all, "Why did they invite you?", which is a major burn. Good one! Then he follows that up with "Trick-or-treating?" Ha! See, because Black Mask wears a mask! Okay fine. Those were terrible lines and it proves that Damian is as enthusiastic about this bullshit existence as Mister Freeze is. Maybe Damian will regain his love of battling super villains once he realizes he's battling for his timeline's survival. Or maybe he just can't help sounding like an unimaginative clod because he's being written by Ron Marz.

Red Hood arrives to help subdue Killer Croc while Batman and Robin decide to ignore the fact that he's wearing a Red Hood not just to rub his death in Batman's face every time he sees him but to probably obscure his identity as well. So they're all, "Jason? Jason Todd?" And he's all, "Yup! That's me! The Red Hood!" Meanwhile Mr. Freeze is scribbling furiously into his notebook from behind a bush.

Red Hood leaves as quickly as he dropped by, letting Batman know that he and some woman named Scarlet who flies a helicopter will still be around.

Back at the Batcave, Damian loses his shit because he's a little asshole and he's also not being written by Peter J. Tomasi.

To be fair to Damian, Bruce did shake Jason Todd's hand which is more intimacy and fatherly love than he's ever shown to Damian. Usually when Bruce gets emotional towards Damian, he lets it out by telling Alfred how he could hug Damian right about now.

Alfred drops by and I'd forgotten how tiny he was Pre-Flashpoint!

"Master Bruce, can I touch up your mascara and rouge?"

Fuck me. Batman didn't do anything wrong! Jason Todd kicked Killer Croc off of Batman's shoulder and incapacitated the beast. Then he shook Batman's hand and said he'd be around. And Batman was all, "Hey, Damian, you little shit. Stop worrying about that asshole and ask me if my shoulder wound is okay, you fucking prick!" Oh wait. Yeah, that was probably a bit harsh.

Batman heads into the study to speak with a picture of his father, Thomas Wayne. That's probably why Bruce is such a horrible father. He's taking fatherly advice from an inanimate object. He's all, "I don't know how to be a dad because you were never there for me! I mean, you were totally there for me for a few years so much so that I could never cope with your death when you were killed. But after that, where were you?! Now because of that, I don't know how to raise Damian! Boo hoo!" It's not like Bruce didn't have years to learn how to be a father with Dick and Jason and Tim! That wasn't practice enough? I think the real problem is that Bruce just doesn't like Damian enough to try being a good father to him.

Where the fuck is Captain Carrot already?! I'm starting to think he might not ever appear in this book. Shouldn't the other worlds be intruding on this one? Where are the Extremists? Where's Thomas Wayne to hug Bruce and say, "You will be the best father ever!" And then Bruce will be all, "Thanks dad! That's all I ever wanted to hear!" Meanwhile within hearing range, Alfred starts pulling out his hair and punching holes in all of the Bruce portraits around the house.

"While you were busy speaking to ghosts, your son was busy trying to get your attention. Now he's probably dead in a ditch. Good job, sir."

I hope Damian has run off to join the Amazing Zoo Crew. Or the Extremists! Maybe he'll run into his grandfather who will introduce him to Miraclo or Venom!

Batman chases after Damian and finds him attacking Red Hood. Scarlet stands nearby while Jason Todd yells at her, "Stay out of this, Scarlet! And don't say any lines! And don't be interesting at all!"

Batman arrives to break up the fight and Damian continues to act like an uninteresting little shit and asks which one of them Batman came to save. What an insecure little fuck. Pre-Flashpoint Damian is the worst! Although it could be that Ron Marz's writing is the worst! I really can't figure out which is at fault. According to Tumblr, Preboot characters were all so much better than their Reboot counterparts, right? So it must be Ron Marz's writing that's to blame.

Batman doesn't have a chance to answer that he was obviously going to save Jason Todd because Damian would probably murder him if he gets the chance. He's interrupted by Planet Brainiac saying, "Welcome to Multiversal Thunderdome, bitches!" That's the abridged version which you'll be seeing me type a lot in the next month.

That's when The Extremists (minus Lord Havok. I am disappoint) arrive! More importantly, Scarlet gets to say something super boring!

Convergence: Batman and Robin #1 Rating: Awful. What a piece of shit. I now know that I'll have at least one regret on my deathbed. This issue was just a shitty version of The New 52 Batman and Robin except with some different costumes and a woman named Scarlet. Damian and Bruce are having trouble getting along. Damian is jealous and angry at Jason Todd. Jason Todd is all, "What the fuck, kid?" Alfred is keeping a better eye on Damian than Bruce is. The portrait of Thomas Wayne is all, "...". The Extremists appear and are all, "We're probably not all robots!" Okay, that part wasn't just a crappier version of Tomasi's comic book for The New 52. But even when that happened, I was less than impressed by the Extremists' roster.