Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #1

I wish we were getting disco collar Nightwing.

My armpits stink but I don't want to take a shower or change my shirt. Is slathering a ton of cheap deodorant under my arms a solution? I think that's a viable alternative, right? I suppose I should take a shower before leaving the house in an hour or so but then my hair will be all flat and boring instead of having the 24-hours-since-the-last-wash, been-slept-on tussled hair that is so adorable to people that love the serial killer on a three day bender look. I think the haven't-shaved-in-six-months-because-I-don't-care-about-anything-since-my-cat-died beard really helps round out the style. It definitely helps keep people from talking to me. Except people looking to buy heroin but I can ignore them and they just move on because I might have been a hallucination. Anyway, it's the perfect look to go get some kimbap from a food cart.

Why is Hawkan cockblocking Dick Grayson on the cover of this comic book? I thought this was going to just be twenty-four pages of Dick Grayson eating pussy. Oh! Sorry! This is a Gail Simone book. I meant to say "twenty-four pages of Dick Grayson playing Scrabble." I forgot it's wittier if you're subtle about what you really mean!

I think I'm going to start typing "Wink, Wink!" after every single sentence I type so that people get super horny while reading my stuff. Wink, wink!

It's going to be really confusing when I publish my non-fiction book on the Spanish Missions of California. Wink, wink!

This issue begins in El Inferno! That is a city, right? Steampunk Blue Beetle and the rest of the Justice Riders have just gotten their clocks cleaned by Flashpoint Hawkman and Flashpoint Hawkwoman. Wink, wink! I forgot to wink on the first two sentences. Wink, wink!

Should I be wink, winking after the wink, wink sentences? Maybe I should just stop doing it altogether. Just try to remember that everything I type is an innuendo for two sets of genitals touching. Maybe three sets if you're into mocha swirl! Mmm, ice cream! I think I'm going to get a salted caramel shake after eating kimbap!

Reap the whirlwind, M'urrphee! Reap it!

The Hawks win Round One of Multiversal Thunderdome and fly off to find the next champions. I'm pretty sure those next champions will be Nightwing and Oracle because I saw the cover.

Nightwing is busy stopping a jewelry heist at a museum while Oracle talks him out of crashing through expensive skylights. He's after Mister Freeze which just seems weird since Mister Freeze just participated in an attempt on Poison Ivy's garden earlier that day. Or maybe later? Either way, he has the same attitude. He must have been excited enough to plan two separate robberies but then he doesn't really give a shit when his plans are ruined. He must be bi-POLAR! Ha ha!

Ugh. I bet that pun has been used like five million times.

After the police take Mister Freeze away (this must be his second heist and he just walked away from Penguin's gang earlier), Nightwing goes radio silent to meet with Kory. Wink, wink!

Why is Kory in Gotham? Is she going to be Best Man at Babs and Dick's wedding? It's tradition to fuck your best man, right?

Dick and Babs go out to dinner later and he asks her to marry him. I'm pretty sure he's using Bruce's kryptonite ring to ask her. But Babs is all, "I can't!" And Dick is all, "Why?" And Babs is all, "Have you seen how awful you're being drawn here?"

"You just don't look like you! You look a little bit like the kid who plays Superboy in Smallville if he just climbed up out of a chimney."

After Dick runs out of the restaurant crying, he marries Starfire and a completely different fandom ruins their underwear.

Actually, the dome drops just at that moment and then the Hawks appear before Babs can tell Dick she was just kidding and she will marry him because now they actually have honeymoon options.

The Hawks threaten Babs because they have absorbascons which are things that absorb stuff and make bacon. They identify Barbara Gordon as the secret brain of Gotham City. The Batcomputer would be so pissed to hear that. But Babs knows somebody who is the secret heart of Gotham!

Holy Christ, there's a door right there! He truly is Bruce's son, isn't he?

The Hawks offer a deal. They will lose on purpose if they can remain in the winning city (Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Duh!). Except they'll only agree to throw the fight if they get to rule Gotham afterward. Nightwing refuses, of course. They give him a final hour to make his decision. After that, if he refuses, they'll be defeated by him. They don't think they'll be defeated by him but they will be! It's how it has to work! Pre-Flashpoint Gotham must survive! Especially since so many super heroes were visiting it when it was taken. I bet Superman is here as well and he'll have to fight his scrawny Super cousin from Flashpoint Gotham.

Nightwing thinks he has to fight alone but that's because he's a guy and he forgets how tricksy and manipulative jerky girls can be. They're always all, "Let's go to the roller rink!" But what they really mean is "I want to suck your dick in the parking lot!" Bah! But I was all excited to skate!

Can Oracle hack bacon making machines?

Convergence: Nightwing Loves Oracle #1 Rating: It's been a long time since I gave a shit about romantic plots in stories. I understand it's the main rage in every fandom with everybody shipping everybody else (the name of that ship is "EverBody"). But it just doesn't do anything for me anymore. I do get emotional connections to movies and books and comic books but they rarely have anything to do with the love interests. Sure, I used to get all mushy stomached reading shit like when Skywise met Aroree in Elfquest, or when David and Maddie were trying to solve a mystery and they'd almost kiss, or when Kevin would awkwardly talk with Winnie at the bus stop. But somewhere along the way I got all cold-hearted and immune to shipping. Show me the relationship between a person and an animal and my heart will be breaking all over the place. But set up a love story between Dick and Babs and...well, I just don't feel a thing.

No wait! That's not entirely true! If a love story is full of nostalgia for the way I felt as a youth, it can turn me into a weeping mass of tears and naked flesh (I like to be entertained while naked!). So something like Sailor Moon can trigger my ability to ship as hard as anybody on Tumblr! But this story just isn't for me and my cynical, frozen heart.

Oh boy, I hope they get married next issue and Starfire stands up bawling and runs from the room! That's the kind of entertainment I'm looking for!

On second thought, all that stuff in the synopsois at the end kind of tugged at my heartstrings. No wonder people were dying for this issue! *bawl!* I mean, Wink, wink!