Convergence #2

The hero of every conflict in which an artificial intelligence tries to start a war: Tic Tac Toe Man!

Between the color scheme and the fact this guy is punching Superman, it's obviously Lex Luthor. More simple-minded people who think they're "with it" and "culturally appropriate" or "another term I just made up for my list" might think of it as a hashtag. But hashtags are stupid retarded. #offensive #insensitive #IsThereAnAcceptableWordToCallPeopleThatBasicallyMeansRetardedButDoesn'tGetMeYelledAt? #semantics

You know whose hashtags I just love to hate? My cousin Jennifer's! But since you don't know her, I also can't stand Scott Lobdell's instagram hashtags. I think he thinks he's funny. But then again, I think I'm funny and I just used the word "retard" so my judgment might be impaired. I'm going to invoke "old man privilege" and say that I can use the word retard in a lovingly curmudgeonly way. Also I'm an old man so I don't know how to "check my privilege." I do know how to act confidently in my own opinions though! Here's an essay I wrote to prove it:

The Way of the World
By Grunion Guy

Have you heard all the things the young people are saying? Boy are they not good at saying things! It's like "slang word" this and "phrase somebody else came up with but they're going to stick with it to sound cool" that! It's like I always tell my cat: "Get an imagination, you freeloader!" And why do they keep ranting about the meaning of the word "feminist"?! In my day, feminists knew their place! I think that place was Sunday morning on cable access shows! And now they're all, "Blah blah equality is awesome!" And the anti-feminists are all, "Blah blah equality sucks, you idiots!" Who are you supposed to believe?! It's like the media says: "Every opinion deserves equal weight and airtime!" Sometimes when I lie down in bed, I can't fall asleep because there's a bit of kitty litter under my back and it makes me super uncomfortable but not quite uncomfortable enough to sweep it out of the bed. Goddamn cat! Wipe your paws off before getting into bed like the person you think you are! Asshole.

Back when I first went to Comic-con, long before all of this Tumblr crap where young people tell you how to behave because you're old and probably have gross opinions and they think old people haven't already been over the same fucking ground they're going over, I took pictures of cosplayers and booth babes! I've got a whole stack of pictures from back then. And guess what, you angst-ridden bastards? Every fucking one of them has the person posing for me because even before you told me how to fucking act, I knew how to ask permission before getting a picture! You sound like a bunch of naive punks! Think you're going to change the world do you?! Well, good! I hope you do! Because other generations before kept trying and some almost fucking succeeded but then the money grubbing asshole parasites took charge and fucked up all the advances! You think Jimmy Carter was an impotent bitch? He was a prince of a man! He knew what the fucking world needed but he was naive to the machinations of the people that wanted power and was manipulated and painted as an incompetent prick by power hungry assholes that fucked up our entire world! War on drugs! Increasing tensions with the Soviet Union! Thank the Ever-Loving Fish God for Mikhail Gorbachev! So many other Soviet leaders would have gone as hard at Reagan as he went at them!

So good luck with your changes, you jerks! Get it right this time! All I ask is that you let me call a few Republicans retarded cunts every now and again! Remember, I'm too old and white to change (and I'm only half-white! But it really oppresses my Spanish half)! I'm on your side! Probably! Although if you're into any kind of religion then you can get your fucking God-fearing ass off of my lawn! I mean, you're welcome to come have an old man beer with me (Hamm's, probably) just don't tell me about Christ or Allah or Abraham or Mr. Hubbard. No, you know what. I changed my mind. Tell me all about them because mankind (or womankind (or dragonkin)) has come up with nothing so interesting as religion! Fascinating! Especially the Mormons! Hoo boy!

And what the hell is up with your music?! Why the fuck is it so good? Calm the fuck down, assholes. We get it! Your music is better than our music. You don't have to rub it on our fucking faces. Although have you listened to "Video Killed The Radio Star" lately? Classic! And "Jesse's Girl"? Brilliant! And anything by Rush with lyrics? Fuck songs without lyrics. I mean, I guess some of them are okay. But I think Beethoven's Fifth would have been easier to listen to with Beyoncé singing about cocks and surfboards or whatever you kids sing about these days. Fucking mostly, I think.

Why the hell does Beyoncé have to have an accent on her name? I suppose if I looked and sang like that, I'd throw a few odd pieces of letter punctuation on my name. "Letter punctuation"! Can you believe some college gave me an English degree?!

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah! The way of the world! It's terrible! Fix it!

Bibliography
The Internet. All the pages of it.
My Rapidly Degenerating Mind. The few parts I could access while I rambled.

Let's read a comic book!

Now I can't even remember if this kid's name was Johnny or Tommy! I'm pretty sure they got it wrong here!

Maybe Babs wanted to name their son Johnny but Dick had really wanted his son to be named Tommy. So once Babs was dead, Dick decided to just start calling his son by the name he wanted. So now this kid is confused because his mother has disappeared, his father keeps ditching him, and he doesn't even know what his name is anymore. Plus I think he's a few years older here than when he was first introduced. I just hope he grows up to be the Earth-2 Tommy Monaghan.

For some fucking reason (because DC Comics has incompetent editors?), the first few pages of this issue recount that time when Twofer Dick Grayson abandoned his son to an unknown gigantic woman obviously trying to hide her face behind some ratty robes. Perhaps the editors realized that hardly anybody was reading World's End by the time this scene happened, so it could use a revisionist telling. At least little Johmmy is allowed to speak this time instead of just silently accepting that his dad was abandoning him yet again.

Part of the revisionist telling of this scene is that Dick tried to board an escape plane with Babs's police officer credentials but was refused because she wasn't with him. In World's End, he was simply refused because only children with mothers were being allowed on board. Fuck the orphaned children, amirite? What a burden!

"We're in charge of rescuing you! Now die!"

At the last second, Barda leans out of the closing gates and says, "Give me the boy. Hurry! I'm hungry!" And Dick is all, "Here! Save hi...wait what?!" But by then it's too late! Barda has taken his son and disappeared onto one of the final escape ships. It blew up anyway which explains why Dick wasn't moaning about having to find his son after he gave him up this final time.

No, the sun was already blocked by Apokolips surrounding the Earth. If you're going to try to woo me with your flowery language, Dick Grayson, at least try to make it less obvious that it's a complete fabrication.

After Dick's reminiscence, he wakes up in a mass of metal pinning him in place. The other escapees from Earth-2 are stuck in the metal morass beside him.

Of course you can hear her! She didn't say you were unconscious! She said you were TKO! And that doesn't mean Totally Knocked Out!

You might not be able to tell by her skin tone that Yolanda is Mexican but she says "home-boy" which is a clue. I think. I don't know. Maybe she's just half-latina. My mother is full Spanish but after living away from California for over fifteen years and living in Portland, I'm pretty fucking pasty. I used to be able to call my skin color olive! Now I'm whitey-white white white. I think that's a Crayola Crayon color.

I think I've been White-Washed!

Planet Brainiac explains to the Twofers that they will be the judges in his contest. Right now, he's pitting the Futures End world against a world "born of a great creator whose time was short-lived but who moved on to serve his purpose on another planet!" Is that code for an artist or writer that only worked for DC for a short time before going to Marvel and being a big shot? Oh, I see! It's Stan Lee's versions of the DC characters (currently living on Earth-6 of The New 52!). I bet they get killed off! 'nuff said!

I know I said "'nuff said" but I should probably replace my supposition with fact: Stan Lee's characters are most definitely and irrevocably slaughtered. Dead. Gone. Fuck you, Stan the Man! Eat it!

While Planet Brainiac is jerking it to his Hungry, Hungry Royale Games, the Twofers break free from their shackles!

Somebody get Jeff King a dictionary opened to the word "pacifist"!

Alan Scott manages to pull power from the planet Telos (even if that doesn't make any sense. Comic books! Alternately: Fuck you!) and use it against Planet Brainiac. He falls long enough for the heroes to regroup and for Dick to judge Batman when he catches him shooting up with Miraclo. He's an old man, Dick! If the Miraclo is helping him to fight and he's helping y'all save lives, perhaps you should choke on your fucking lectures until later. If you all happen to save the day, you can gather up the last of the Twofers, find some folding chairs, practice your holier-than-thou attitude, and have an intervention. Until then, mind your own fucking business. You don't see him telling you how to raise your son!

Although maybe he should. Father of the year he wasn't. But better than you? Oh yeah.

Planet Brainiac reforms and points out that he did tell them that he was the planet. So, you know, they're going to have to destroy the planet to defeat him. That gives Val-zod an idea! Maybe if he punches him in the face, he can defeat him!

Surprisingly, that doesn't work. Sigh. Remember when Val-Zod used to think violence was useless? And remember that time, just previous to this, when he was shown that violence was, once again, useless? And now his big plan is more useless violence? Did the editors at DC forget to give Jeff King notes on who this character was?

At least Planet Brainiac realizes the futility of Val's violence and decides to go enjoy his game somewhere in peace. He sinks back into the ground and leaves the Twofers to whatever idiocy they can come up with next.

I get that Green Lantern derived his powers from the Parliament of Earth and his relationship with the planet. But that does not mean his powers are derived from any planet he visits. Of course, it doesn't mean they don't either! So, yay!

Alan Scott's Green Lantern will be a much more interesting character if he derives different powers depending on the planet he's on because his powers come from the planet. Of course that would only be interesting if he does a lot of space travel which I don't think the Justice Society did much of. If, you know, they could help it.

Alan Scott learned that Planet Brainiac fears something and that something has to do with a ruined city nearby and an underground kingdom (or something). Flash, Superman, Green Lantern, and Yolanda head off to investigate while Batman and Robin run off to a nearby Gotham to recruit some allies. It's another chance for Bruce to meet his father!

Why the fuck do they need you? So you can write a shitty article about their experiences when it's all over?

Batman and Dick infiltrate Gotham and Thomas is able to find the Batcave. He disappears to search the place while Dick meets Barbara Gordon on Skype and Alfred in the flesh. Babs doesn't get a good look at him and Alfred doesn't seem to recognize him but he did give Dick Barbara's name and mentioned Bruce built this cave, so he must have an inkling that this Dick is a Dick he can trust.

Meanwhile upstairs, a meeting between father and son took place. It might have been interesting but half of it was blocked by Dick Grayson's speculating Narration Boxes. Dick didn't have access to the images but we, the readers, did. So how about giving us access to the conversation as well instead of Dick's fucking audio commentary track? Especially since his stupid track was more about his guilt over ditching his son than about Batman and Batman's meeting.

The other group of Twofers stumble upon the bodies of the Justice Riders and a bunch of Thanagarian feathers. Yolanda cries because that's the appropriate social reaction when faced with the senseless death of others. I'm going to file that away in my memory banks so I can act appropriately if this ever happens to me.

There are words! She just said some of them!

Back in the Batcave, Bruce gives Thomas and Dick the keys to the Batmobile so that they can do their part in saving all of the cities. After they leave, we get a full page of Batman standing stoically without his cowl. It is not marred by Narration Boxes. It's everything that the meeting between father and son could have been if Jeff King had kept from over-writing the moment the way he did.

One of the best things about comic books is that they don't need to tell the reader how to feel. The art can do just about all of the heavy emotional lifting without being pedantic or patronizing. I really wish more writers utilized the medium and realized what it can do and how powerful it can be.

Green Lantern's group finally comes to the ruins of the city they were searching for where Alan finds an old Court of Owls' mask. They also rescue a man calling himself Deimos who tells them he can help lead them off of the planet. Since Alan Scott mentioned Planet Brainiac's fear stemming from something beneath the surface of the planet, could he then be talking about Skartaris where Travis "Warlord" Morgan lives? Maybe Planet Brainiac lost control of that city somehow? But if so, Deimos is the enemy of Warlord, so is he just going to use these heroes to try to defeat Warlord and take over Skartaris? Or maybe something else since I really don't know anything about the comic book Warlord and am just relying on the Who's Who entry from 1985!

Convergence #2 Rating: Minus Plus Double-Bad-Good. This comic book has a lot of writing problems! But they're of the type that I'd probably tend to ignore if I weren't writing a commentary on the book. I'd probably just read it and get giddy whenever some old character makes an appearance (like Red and Blue Superman!). Then I'd probably set it down and forget about it until Convergence #3 next Wednesday. So all in all, it won't be a classic but it was a comic book! And if you're interested in comic books, this was one of them! You should pick it up! Or pick up Saga! That's a comic book too!