Justice League Dark #40

This movie variant is a bad idea because there is no way this issue will be as entertaining as Beetlejuice.

So far I've tried to pick up every movie poster variant cover available but my comic book store just randomly chooses between the regular cover and variant when they shove them in my box. So I looked up the issues that I knew I wasn't able to grab to see if I recognized them. So far on the covers I've gotten, I've recognized them all except Batman Loves Superman's The Fugitive poster. Although I did know it was a Harrison Ford movie and found the poster by asking Lord Google to find me a "Harrison Ford movie poster." I missed Sinestro which was a Westworld variant and I would have recognized that one. I also missed Batman and Robin which was a Harry Potter poster and I would have guessed that one. I also missed Green Lantern Corps which was for Forbidden Planet and I'm not so sure I would have recognized that one. When I looked it up via Lord Google, the real movie poster popped up side by side with the Green Lantern Corps cover so I didn't get a chance to guess it. But since the poster relies so heavily on Robbie the Robot and he's been replaced by Kilowog, I'm not sure I would have placed the rest of it. Probably though! I'll just give myself a pass for all the covers I missed and give my self partial credit, rounded up, for Batman Loves Superman. Which means I'm 100% on guessing the correct movie so far!

The last five issues of this comic book dealt with Justice League Dark trying to save themselves and stop the universe from ending all at the same time. But I guess they failed because last issue ended with all of them being sucked up into Pralaya's vagina. But immediately after that happened, John Constantine inside the House of Mystery was expelled from Pralaya's goose stretcher. I ran out of things to call a vagina so I need to start making up some new ones. That's what happens after you've written around 2100 commentaries on comic books and you enjoy mentioning certain parts of the female anatomy. I've probably also run out of words for penis as well but I can call a penis anything and there isn't a guy on Earth who will take offense to whatever euphemism I choose. But I have to dance delicately around the vagina! Boy, if I had a barn owl for every time I've uttered that phrase!

This issue is called Ouroboros because it's going to make me want to consume myself.

Oh bullshit! Love is less real than anything else in this comic book!

Love is only real when you don't have it! Having love is just allowing yourself the chance to not contemplate how truly despicable and unlovable you truly are. You don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and the ultimate inability to connect with any other human being if you have somebody nearby telling you how much they love you. Love is just freedom from your insecurity and self-doubt! When love is gone, you hunger for it because you can't stand who you are when you're alone and you realize just how hard it will be to get somebody to not think you're completely disgusting. People don't love each other because of their flaws or despite their flaws. They love each other because it's a contract to completely ignore the other person's flaws so that you can also completely ignore your own flaws. You can revel in your bitterness and resentment in the rest of the world and you have somebody who has to agree with you because you've seen them, on a near daily basis, stick their fingers into their buttcrack and then casually sniff them as if they were in the room alone. That's love! Oh, and it isn't real was my point. So I probably shouldn't have tried to end it with "That's love!" as if it exists because it doesn't! Nevermind.

Fake Constantine and Fake Zatanna and the real (I guess?) House of Mystery create a fake Alec Holland because The Green still kind of exists since the House of Mystery has its own greenhouse. They're still desperately trying to save the universe even though it's long gone baby! Forget about it! It's over! Kaput! The opposite of extant! And they aren't even real people anyway! Why should they care? Oh, that's right. Love! I forgot about fucking love! The power of love will keep the universe alive tonight! That's the power of love.

Alec Holland needs to rebirth Yggdrasil which will bring back the universe which has ended because that's how things go, guys. Everything dies. Except God, of course! God has always been and can't die because he (or she) was never born! She (or he) has existed forever because that totally makes more sense than a universe that has existed forever. Or else God was spontaneously created at some point which totally makes more sense than a universe spontaneously coming into creation. Wait. Now I'm confused. How is replacing "the universe" with "God" a better answer? It still doesn't make any sense a human can wrap their minds around, you whackos.

Look. We have proof of a universe outside of man and his creations. We have no proof of God outside of man and his creations. So how does replacing an infinite universe (or a universe created from nothing) with a sentient, all-knowing, all-powerful infinite being (or one that was created from nothing) make it more palatable? It's definitely not more logical and it takes extra, unneeded steps to explain the universe. I think this is where, if I were one of the youngin's, I'd shake my damn head.

Okay, you know what. I'm the one who used the word "palatable" so I can actually understand it in those terms. I take back my shaking my damn head. I get that the decision to swap out the random and inexplicable creation of the universe with a knowing and loving God offers comfort and meaning. So I get why people believe. And I get why people want to believe. And I get why people, even when they don't really believe, desperately leave the possibility open by not really thinking themselves out of it too much. I get it. Some people need that. I just wish people would understand that some people don't need that and that by not needing it, it doesn't make us arrogant or self-righteous. I think it just makes us stronger!

Was that a little bit arrogant?

Poison ivy! Come creeping up right behind me!

Swamp Thing recovers the real Justice League Dark from oblivion. I guess they were hiding in The Green because The Green was never totally obliterated because plants were still in the House of Mystery. It's all very complex and high-minded!

I currently have half of a chocolate chip cookie. Is there anything more disappointing in life than half a cookie? Okay, maybe sex with a man. But the half a cookie is a close second.

Yggdrasil explodes out of Pralaya who is consumed by her own self or something. She loses because the end of the universe is really just the beginning of the same universe. Duh! It was right there in the title the whole time! "Ouroboros!" Whatever that means.

Whoever created the word "Ourobors" was an idiot because the word should be a palindrome.

"...who'll ever know!" Convenient!

But is the universe restored exactly? How do they know that Yggdrasil didn't decide to throw in a few new flourishes that she had been pining for the last time around to spruce the place up?

Zatanna mentions how Pralaya still exists and she'll be back at the appointed time for the Big Sleep of Brahma. But since Justice League Dark decided that time wasn't now, I guess Pralaya has to slink away and change her calendar. What makes them so special that they can just interfere with the basic cosmic underpinnings of the entire system? And they called Pralaya arrogant.

Justice League Dark and the House of Mystery return to Earth to meet up with John Constantine. Zatanna hands over the keys to the House and quits. Everybody else quits with her because who wants to be on John Constantine's team? That's like signing your own death certificate!

Justice League Dark #40 Rating: No change. This whole story was a major let down. The Justice League Dark were forced into a mission to save the universe and restore it to exactly where it was before they had to save the universe. So it really didn't accomplish anything as a story. But I guess it created a Constantine and a Zatanna that get to live in a magical realm of love and unibunnies. And Yggdrasil is now a character in the DC Universe if she wasn't already. And maybe, if I'd cared more, I might have learned a little something about the strengths and desires of some of the main characters of the book. But who has time to read comic books that closely? I don't need to know more about Nightmare Nurse than that she looks like a sexy Sailor Moon when she's doing her magic. The most important part of the story is that Zatanna still loves Constantine but he doesn't remember her. But that was established before this story began so I'm just going to go with my initial reaction and say this story was bullshit that had no effect on anything or anybody ever.