This issue should be called "Supergirl: Bum #1".
Lawmakers also tend to make laws that actually do the opposite of public safety. I would argue that laws proclaiming that pedestrians always have the right of way makes crossing the street more dangerous. People are stubborn and careless with their lives when they know they're in the right. Here's how to make everybody safer on the streets: tell them their lives are in their own hands and allow everybody to build up their cars like the cars in Road Warrior. Then turn traffic court into Thunderdome.
Goddammit. I actually had real points to make and then I couldn't stay serious. I should go into politics just to see if I could get the Mad Max Bill passed!
This comic book was written by Keith Giffen so should we set up the Supergirl Version of the Keith Giffen Drinking and Eating Cookies Game (last seen in Threshold #8)? If you want the game to be wholesome family fun, you can choose to drink milk. Let me remind you of the rules!
1. Whenever a character says “literally”, you have to take a shot. If they use it correctly (very rare!), you get to eat a cookie instead!
2. Whenever a character defies another character (without violence), drink.
3. Whenever a character acts rationally and engages in normal conversation when confronted with defiance or potential violence, eat a cookie!
4. Drink every time somebody is punched or kicked or hit with electricity.
5. Eat a cookie every time something is annotated.
6. Finish your drink whenever a character dies. Or thinks they've died. Or comments about how they're going to die. Finish everybody's drink if the character is Blue Beetle or Booster Gold.
7. Eat a cookie every time Keith Giffen writes a meta-textual statement.
8. Drink after every time you turn a page.
9. Drink every time the panel layout looks like the opening to the Brady Bunch. Although this is more of a Keith Giffen as artist rule.
10. Take a dainty sip of alcohol and a tiny bite of a cookie whenever Supergirl's bum makes an appearance. Okay, this doesn't have anything to do with Giffen but look at that cute bum!
11. Drink whenever Batman makes an appearance (mandatory rule for all DC Comics Drinking Games).
12. Two drinks if Lady Quark and Lord Volt bicker.
13. Eat a cookie and take a drink whenever a joke is repeated. If you remember the joke from a previous Keith Giffen comic book, write a letter of complaint to DC Comics.
14. Finish your drink if Planet Brainiac mentions a convergence!
15. Drink if Supergirl punches somebody before asking their name; eat a cookie of Supergirl is punched while asking the other person their name.
16. Drink and eat a cookie if you have to read some dialogue more than once to get the gist of what they're saying.
17. Down three shots if Supergirl and Lady Quark kiss.
18. Finish your drink with a cookie in your mouth if one of Giffen's jokes actually makes you laugh out loud (Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea is not responsible if you choke like an idiot).
19. Eat a cookie every time a female character does a Boob/Butt Showcase (if the character is Supergirl, remember Rule #10!). Drink a beer every time a male character does.
20. Finish a six pack if Ambush Bug somehow makes an appearance in this comic book.
I don't know if I'm going to remember all of these rules as I read the comic book because I just made most of them up. At least when I made up the rules for the Threshold Drinking Game, I had seven previous issues to know exactly what Giffen loved doing with the characters in that comic book. But he's still Giffen so I have a feeling most of the rules have a pretty good chance of taking place. Except the Ambush Bug one and the one where one of Giffen's jokes makes me laugh.
Uh oh! Get your cookies and drinks ready!
Take a drink because we're turning to page 2!
Supergirl meets up with Lex Luthor pouting in the park. Since he has red hair and isn't bald, I'm guessing this is the Junior Alexander Luthor variety. I think he's depressed because Superman was away on business when Metropolis was taken away. Now he has nobody to try to kill. Nothing worthy of drinking or eating cookies happens on pages 2 and 3, so drink again as we turn the page.
On Page 4, Brainiac makes the Multiversal Thunderdome announcement but skips the line about a Convergence, so it's a missed opportunity to finish your drink. If you're thirsty, you can say "Bugger all!" to the rules and just drink whenever you want, you know. I prefer anarchy anyway.
Turning to Page 5 so take a drink!
The dome recedes and Supergirl gets her powers back. Although I guess she retained her natural, protoplasmic ability to look like Supergirl or else she would have spent the last year in a Petri dish. Thanks to the advertisements, we're now turning the page again to Page 6! Drunk! I mean drink!
Luthor, while being a complete dick to Supergirl, mentions how much he hates when people say, "Look! Up in the sky!" I think that qualifies as a meta-textual comment. Eat a cookie!
I don't know if this qualifies as Rule #16 but I reread it a few times before realizing I'm not meant to understand exactly what Supergirl is talking about yet. So eat and drink. Or not. Whatever!
On the page I can't remember, Lady Quark and Lord Volt make their first appearance. And even though I've never read a comic book where Keith Giffen has written these two characters, they pull off Rule #12 about...let me count the panels...five times! Possibly more! I don't know if this is all one big bicker or several bickers across time!
I'm not sure Giffen knows how to write dialogue that isn't complete bickering. If I had made the rule any time any two characters bicker, we'd all be dead by now. And fifty pounds heavier.
This is the page where the confrontation happens! Lord Volt threatens Supergirl but Lady Quark doesn't approve of the way he does it and they begin to bicker for the rest of the page while ignoring Supergirl. I think the page has five completely separate topics about which they bicker. So that's ten drinks!
Plus a dainty mini-meal! Rule #10 is the best! Okay, turn the page! I said turn the page! I said...get your hand out of your pants! Jesus!
Lady Quark calls Lord Volt gay and Lord Volt mentions how black that kettle is and then Supergirl is all, "Y'all are both so very, very gay!" Then Lady Quark and Lord Volt are all, "Look who's talking!" And Supergirl is all, "I'm a protoplasmic ball of organic slime! I have children by fission! Which is probably what Luthor was hinting at back there when he was talking about a spurt of children!"
Look, this comic book is just one long bickerfest. Just finish all the alcohol you have in the house. Plus a bite of cookie because that bum!
That costume is definitely painted on.
GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG!
Okay! Now I'm ready to fake being drunk!
Lady Gaga and Lord Voldemort catch up to Superbum and say, "You and us and me are going to battle, you got that, tits?" And Tits is all, "I have the things to do that don't involve the punching and the kicking and the electric bolt blasting." Then the beards bicker for awhile. Then they turn back to Supergirl and go, "No. We must fight now. It's in the contract, see?" So Supergirl is all, "Okay!"
But then after agreeing to fight, Lord Volt is all, "Wait! What?! She wants to fight Lord Volt?!" And Lady Quark is all, "More like Lord Homo!" And he's all, "Oh, that's nice coming from Lady Queer!" And the readers are all, "Jesus Christ, Tess! What the fuck?" And Tess is all, "Are you fucking reading this comic book? I'm only slightly fucking paraphrasing this shit!" And the readers are all, "That's no excuse!" And Tess is all, "Stop picking on me! I have feelings too!" And the readers are all, "Oh, so you can dish it out but you can't take it?" And Tess who is me is all, "I'm going to quit if I'm criticized!" And Scott Lobdell is all, "Welcome to the club!" And I'm all, "I wish you'd quit!" And Lobdell is all, "Hashtag I love cookies and Hashtag drink up and Hashtag hashtag abuse!" And then everybody has to drink a bunch more because of this:
"Hi! My name is Supergirl! Pleased to meet you!"
Supergirl's bum kind of makes an appearance! Masturbate! I mean, drink and eat! Daintily!
Supergirl finally gets fed up with the device Lex gave her. A device that's supposed to look for the machinery capable of teleporting Metropolis to another planet. So when it finally started working and Supergirl began following it, I completely forgot to remember that there is one person in the DC Universe that loves Metropolis and also teleports.
I know I told you to drink all of your alcohol but who knew this would actually happen?! I sure as hell fucking didn't when I made Rule #20! Go out and buy a six pack and drink the fuck up, motherfuckers! Ambush Bug is back, baby!