Sunday, September 29, 2013

The Parastie! (as seen in Superman and crap)

This might be the first ever picture of somebody getting teabagged after being defeated.

Alter Ego: Raymond Maxwell Jensen
Occupation: Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Unknown
Known Relatives: Lorna Jensen (wife) [I'm sure this "unknown" and "Lorna" situation will be resolved in the HISTORY! Perhaps it's just not known if Lorna served the divorce papers after Raymond turned into a raging purple exhibitionist.], Trini Jensen (daughter), Troy Jensen (son)
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Metropolis [Specifically, "Marv's House of Gloryholes." Because he sucks out people's essential juices and his mouth is perfectly shaped!]
First Appearance: ACTION COMICS #340
Height: 6'3" Weight: 240 lbs.
Eyes: Black Hair: None (originally brown)

Maxwell Jensen was a real loser, having been fired from three jobs in one year [Holy fuck, that's a harsh and judgmental thing to say to somebody down on their luck! He just hadn't found his calling yet. Until that day he walked into "Marv's"!], when he got a position at a government lab as a handyman. There was larceny in his heart even then, and this led to the accident that transformed him into The Parasite [So he's a Larcenous Heart Grub?].

Superman (see Superman II) had been there, conducting experiments with radioactive elements from another galaxy. These concluded, the Man of Steel decontaminated himself and sealed the wastes securely in a radiation-proof container. Jensen was then ordered to take the wastes to the disposal center.

Jensen, having heard payrolls were sometimes shipped in such containers to fool criminals, took a peek [Okay, the introductory assumption was correct: loser.]. As a result, he was hideously burned and turned into a human atomic furnace, burning up energy so swiftly that he would have perished in minutes if he had not had the power to absorb energy from others just as quickly. He also absorbed their mentality, and thus became a genius.

He quickly conceived the idea of stealing Superman's powers, thus making himself the mightiest man alive. But this went awry because his body could not contain so much power at once. As a result, he disintegrated [This might be the most loose use of the phrase "went awry" in comic history.].

And this might have been the end of the Parasite had it not been for an alien geographer who was mapping Earth when he found his instruments blocked by a strange purplish cloud. Analyzing it, he found it registered a life force. Curious, the alien reconstructed it in his revival chamber--and The Parasite lived again.

Eventually, Jensen set out to steal Superman's power gradually, so as not to overload himself. He was helped by having previously used his powers to learn his foe's secret identity.

But this time, Superman was aided by others from the planet of the now-dead alien. He helped them capture The Parasite so they could bring him to justice, giving him a life sentence on a prison world.

It was not easy to keep a man with his powers confined, however, and he escaped. In the process, he was struck by a blast from a guard's ray weapon. This altered his molecular structure so that, even when he was again disintegrated, he was able to return to normal, as his cells automatically regrouped themselves [In other words, Science!].

Jensen was captured and sent to prison. However, he had a good lawyer--a woman who fell in love with him. He finally got paroled and married her, and they had twins.

Xviar, an alien, using the Earth name of Mr. Xavier, gathered together a group of Superman's foes to fight the Man of Might--including The Parasite. Thus it was that Jensen's power was restored. Now he could not return to his loved ones for fear of killing them by draining their energy.

When captured, The Parasite has been imprisoned in the Mount Olympus Correctional Facility (popularly known as Superman Island), in a cell designed to drain off his excess energy.

The Parasite needs no weapons, since he can absorb any powers and has thus used Superman's abilities against him. He also has abosrbed enough scientific knowledge to make himself a genius [Scientific knowledge alone does not make one a genius! It might make you boring or able to make incomprehensible small talk but it does not, in and of itself, make you a genius. Dumb dumbs!]. As Jensen, he was of average build and strength, but as The Parasite, he has become a mass of physical power [But how good is he at hand-to-hand combat? This Powers & Weapons section is useless.].

No comments:

Post a Comment