Parasite #1

This just looks like an advert for a Mexican candy called, "For, yes, you!"

I wrote a script for Parasite for Villains Month but DC rejected it. So I'm going to publish the first two pages here. I have no idea why DC rejected it! Jerkos!

Page One, One Panel
The Parasite is naked in a bathtub clipping his toenails with hedge clippers.
Narration Box #1: My name is The Parasite.
Narration Box #2: I was created from the burning worry of millions of apoplectic American citizens concerned about the sanctity of marriage.
Narration Box #3: Religious marriage, of course, although it didn't hurt my power levels that the idiots fucking thought that a religious definition of marriage should be upheld by the laws of the land.
Narration Box #4: Especially a land built upon a strong foundation of keeping religion out of the law books and the law books out of religion. Unless your religion called for the sacrificing of young children to your loving God by means of not giving them medicine that could easily cure fatal fungal foot infections.
Narration Box #5: That's just how I was conceived, though. There's much more to me than that.
Narration Box #6: As I said: My name is The Parasite.

Page Two, Four Panels
Panel One
A tiny purple cloud hovering over the head of picketers with signs like, "There's no 'gay' in Monogamy!," and "A penis's place is in the vagina!"
Narration Box #1: Consciousness! So sudden and beautiful! To be aware! To be bathed in self-knowledge! To be happy that I had yet to grow aural organs and have to listen to the inane chanting that brought me into this world!

Panel Two
A small, bald purple toddler with a big round mouth full of teeth wandering a suburban cul-de-sac.
Narration Box #1: Born from withholding, I grew up quickly in the sprawl around cities, feeding off the hatred of the desperate and the poor.

Panel Three
A bald, purple teen obviously wanking in the bushes as a man and woman pass by in conversation.
Man: "We need more government spy programs to keep foreigners from blowing up our children's daycares!"
Woman: "But where will the money come from when the poor are taking it all in government handouts for food and shelter?"

Panel Four
A bald, purple man lighting a cigar with a fat wad of cash.
Narration Box #1: I grew might on America's fear and hatred of the Other, those they blamed on the decline of family values; the poor and sick they saw were to blame for bankrupting our country; pacifists that dared point out that their heroes were dying in vain in corporate wars; anybody different from them for any reason, they called a Parasite, and I fed and my cock grew large and powerful.

Pretty fucking good, hunh?! I filled it with Narration Boxes because DC loves those! And I couldn't help but begin it with an homage to Scott Lobdell since DC loves him! I think I probably should have edited Page Fifteen before sending it in though since I portrayed DC Comics' editors as deformed, inbred miscreants that fucked stacks of money all day long while reading Marvel Comic books. Oh well. I wanted to keep my artistic integrity intact more than I needed fat money from DC.

Well, let's see what script they decided to go with since they didn't seem to like mine for some reason.

Great! They chose an artist's script over mine! And an artist I've met so now I'm going to feel bad when I point out how awful it is out of bitterness, envy, and jealousy!

Three weeks previous to The Parasite diving head first off of the roof of a building in Suicide Slums in Metropolis, he was the greatest character in the history of characters created in Villains Month!

I just can't put my finger on why I like him so much.

I'm fairly certain that Aaron Kuder based this character on Puck from Real World San Francisco. Why? Because he's an Artist and not a Writer! No way an Artist could come up with this character straight out of his head! Maybe he could draw a guy on a bike but then when it came time to turn him into an actual character, he'd be all, "DUH! How make good character ization? Is that two words? Probably should be three words! Char actor ization. That make lot more sense. Tired now. Words hard." I'm almost positive that's how Artists write because I know that's the word version of how I, a Writer, draw! And no way in hell anybody is good at both! The chances of that happening are like 2 to 1 or even worse odds probably.

The Parasite is the worst bike delivery person of all time. I guess he isn't based on Puck because Puck was a messenger between businesses and massage parlors and bookies and shit instead of a guy that delivers packages. Editorial probably forced that change so that Puck wouldn't show up out of the blue demanding compensation for likeness rights like how Bill and Silent Ted did to Daredevil and Banksy in that Chasing Amelie movie.

Eventually The Parasite is hit by a car because that's what happens when you ride a bike like you own the road and are immortal instead of riding a bike as if you could die at any second. I'm not putting the blame on either the car or the bike in any given situation! All I know is that when I used to ride the Santa Cruz Hills, I didn't give a fuck about who had right of way! All I knew was that if a car and I tussled, I was probably going to be too dead to claim the driver was at fault.

Oh. Apparently there was no car. And Giant Booger Monsters always have right of way.

The Parasite gets lucky and defeats the Booger Monster by zapping it with a downed electrical wire. Which, luckily, doesn't kill him; he just winds up with a broken leg. Meaning he loses his job. Which leads to his girlfriend dumping him. In other words, he loses everything because he was a big jerk that called Metropolis "Jerk-o-opolis." He really should have just called it "Jerkopolis." That's where he went wrong in this time line. His life would have been amazing if he'd just gotten his derogatory name right.

His girlfriend calls him a Parasite when she walks out the door which, if you've been reading the Who's Who entries I've been posting, you know was a bad idea. Whenever anybody is dehumanized and called a name, they always rise up to claim that name as their evil moniker as they claim their revenge on a world that treated them a little bit shabbily.

Now that he's out of a job, he'll probably (like the original Parasite!) have to get a job with a research lab where he'll try to steal toxic waste and become a super-villain!

Joshua Michael Alan (that's his name for some reason! Probably because the original Parasite had three names) goes in to STAR Labs for testing (and because they're going to pay him) because of the contact he had with the Giant Booger Monster. They're not calling it that though. They call it the Humongous Mass of Alien Smegma. Anyway, the tests go about as expected and he turns into The Parasite!

After the Origin Story is complete, the comic book returns to The Parasite plunging to his death. But Superman doesn't respect people's choices and decides to save The Parasite's life because Superman obviously knows better. At least Batman would have stayed out of it. Of course when Superman catches him, The Parasite feeds a bit too much.

Oh! I get it! He's a parasite!

No wonder The Parasite wants to infect Superman. Parasites have the best life when they can find a host that they don't kill while sucking up its energy. Although this also seems a bit like the food chain where Superman is the plant getting energy from the sun and The Parasite is the meat eater taking the energy from Superman's meat. Loads and loads of it! Except in my analogy Superman was a plant so if The Parasite is going to feed off of Superman, that makes him an herbivore. Stupid analogies. Why can't I ever get them right?!

Fuck analogies anyway. Anybody who has ever used an analogy in a serious discussion is an asshole that's just trying to avoid the actual topic.

Superman should allow The Parasite to live in his bathtub back at the Fortress of Solitude. The Parasite wouldn't be hurting anybody and Superman has lots and lots of excess energy. He could just visit from time to time and let the Parasite suck him off a bit. No harm done! Of course it might be a bit embarrassing if Superman ever lets Batman use his bathroom.

Batman: "Hey Clark. There's a naked purple guy in your bathtub. You know what he tried to do to me while I was in there?"
Superman: "Oh yeah. Um. Sorry about that. That's just Josh. He's my, um, uhh...Alfred!"
Batman: "Hmm. I'm going to have to have a talk with Alfred if he's attempting to blow guests when they come over."

The Parasite learns he can steal Superman's powers.

The power doesn't last long when Parasite uses it though and he's quickly back down to skinny purple guy. Superman freezes him with his Cold Breath (why is his breath cold? Mine isn't cold! He's a freak!) and The Parasite winds up in Belle Reve. But we all know what happened to Belle Reve this month! Break out! After the breakout, The Parasite was last seen hitching a ride into Metropolis to find Superman to feast on again. He must not have heard that Superman is dead.

The Parasite #1 Rating: I don't fucking know what I want anymore! My favorite comic books are being written by Artists lately! This is a confusing and complex situation! I love well-written comic books. I can't get enough of those (which makes one wonder why I'm reading so many of The New 52!). But I also love comicky comic books! I enjoy something that's silly and whimsical and just fucking entertaining. Which this was, possibly because I liked the Bike Messenger so much. But this book reminds me quite a bit of Chris Burnham's stories when he was writing Batman of Japan. They're funny and whimsical and full of comic book goodness. I think some Writers are just trying too hard. Dark and disastrous and dramatic don't necessarily make for good story. Whatever Aaron Kuder put into this issue of The Parasite, he needs to share that amongst his fellow creators. Especially how even though it was rather goofy origin story, it actually ends on a page of pure malevolence as The Parasite threatens to kill a woman's child so she'll give him a lift back to Metropolis.

This wouldn't make my "favorite comic" list but it was light and entertaining and I liked it. I often mention how possibly the funniest movie I've ever seen in a theater was Jackass. But I'd never claim it was one of the best comedies ever made. I can only attest to the fact that it had me crying in laughter throughout. Comic books like this one are a rare find and I miss them.