Monday, September 30, 2013

Man-Bat #1

How come there was never a Boy-Robin?

I'm not sure when I really began to hate Man-Bat. It might have been yesterday after reading his Who's Who entry. He can transform into a bat and control! But not he can't control it and he's insane! But now Batman gave him the antidote! Now he can control his bat transformations! Oh no but he went insane again! Now he wants to fuck his wife as a bat! Now she's gone insane! Now they're both sane! But their child is dying and it drives them insane! I think they also went insane from a vampire bat bite at one time.

Or my hatred for Man-Bat may have started earlier. It could have been when every fucking package of Heroclix had a useless Man-Bat figure inside of it so I had to field three Gotham City Cops, two Checkmate Agents, six Man-Bats and Desaad. Stupid useless garbage game.

Why must DC keep every character that some jerk created and keep them around for decades? You guys realize you can kill the shitty ones, right? Just because some writer was up against a deadline for a Batman story, threw a bunch of Batman comics on the floor in anger so they lined up and said "ManBatmanmanBatBatBatman," and was suddenly inspired to write a shitty story about a man that wants to have sonar for some idiotic reason, it doesn't make that a go-to story for future Batman epics. I'm sure somebody can point out a good Man-Bat story somewhere in DC's history and all I have to say to that someone is, "Go fuck yourself."

Man this story better suck ass or I'm going to be eating crow stuffed with my words in an hour or two.

The issue begins with a 3rd Grade Oral Report on bats and I'm suddenly thinking, "Rob Liefeld? Are you back, Rob?! Is that you!?" Alas, it is not. It happens to be Frank Tieri who co-wrote some of the crappiest New 52 books so far with Mr. Liefeld! It's good to see some of Liefeld's ability rubbed off on Mr. Tieri.

It begins, "Bats are like most animals. They prey on the weak. The vulnerable." Yeah! Fucking cows and deers and giraffes and shit! Preying on all the weak leaves and grasses! Fucking turds. And bats are the worst! Total fucking bullies, going after insects and fruit! Why don't you eat something your own size, you jerko bats!? How dare you eat those poor, weak loquats! And preying on the elderly and the wise! Animals are the worst!

Small children are probably the opposite of venerable, so they must be wea...oh! Vulnerable! Never mind.

It's okay for Woman-Bat to be around children because she doesn't have nipples. Although she does enjoy killing and eating them, so that's a bit of a downer. At least the parents don't have to explain titties to the kids. They'd probably get it all wrong anyway and point out that boobies are sex objects and should be covered all of the time instead of saying, "Boobies? You mean the things that were in your mouth for most of your childhood but now I'm teaching you to sexualize? Yeah, you can't see those fucking awesome things, kids."

Woman-Bat is completely insane which is a problem as I pointed out earlier. But Man-Bat is currently sane so it's his job to stop her from eating the children. It's also his job to constantly lament the fact that she used him and never loved him and their marriage was a sham and poor, poor fucking Kirk Langstrom! Abused by life! Treated shabbily! Without worth! The worst character in the DC Universe!

Man-Bat battles Woman-Bat until she transforms into a sexy topless woman.

Sure! Now the panels are just face shots! Stupid Teen Ratings. I should be doing a blog about Heavy Metal! Weren't you just listening to me when I said boobies aren't sex objects?! Now show them to me!

The cops arrive on the scene because I don't know when the fuck this takes place. I guess Batman is busy or dead or napping or something. But this doesn't appear to be Gotham City after the Crime Syndicate appeared unless the criminals have all declared the kid's parks off-limits. Except for feeding, of course. So Man-Bat flies off before he's accused of man-bat-handling a lady.

Kirk's next journal entry (Day 7!) states that Woman-Bat was charged with a bunch of murders so I guess the police recognized her in her hot topless form since, well, let's be honest. She was pretty fucking sexy as a Bat as well.

Oh, but by Day 7, Batman is gone and Gotham has gone crazy. Man-Bat believes it's up to him fight crime in Batman's absence. But I read the same Who's Who Entry that I bet Frank Tieri did! Man-Bat was in control but now he's going to lose control before Batman has to return to put him back in control! It's about the only thing you can do with this character, I guess.

Oh, you naive Bat-Bastard.

I bet Frank Tieri didn't even want the job of writing Man-Bat. I bet he pulled the shortest straw in the office! Although if he'd given DiDio a hand job, he probably wouldn't be stuck with this task! That was a "pulling a small penis" joke! And the penis was Dan DiDio's! Not that there is anything wrong with small penises! I don't think. How should I know? I'm not a doctor of small penises?!

Man-Bat goes out to protect Gotham and massacres a bunch of street thugs in front of a child and his parents. So cool! Now that kid has an awesome story for Show and Tell! And it'll be the best story if he brings one of the thugs severed limbs or detached heads!

Eventually Kirk loses total control and goes insane. Fucking waste of time. Why did I even read this thing?! Man-Bat is crazy then he's not crazy then he's crazy then he's not crazy. I don't know whether he's crazy or not but I do know he fucking sucks.

Yep. I guess the playgrounds are off-limits to hoodlums. Unless they're hungry.

Man-Bat #1: Has this story just not been told enough? Is it a morality tale that still rings true? Is it about drug abuse? Loss of self-control? Arrogance? Bitter marriages? I know one thing it isn't about: entertainment! Thanks for being just as stupid as you've always been, Man-Bat! Now instead of crow stuffed with my own words, I'm going to go eat pancakes stuffed with victory!

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