Thursday, September 5, 2013

All Star Western #23

This is a nice call back to the cover of Issue #1.

Jonah. Jeremiah. Gotham. Future. Batman. Detectivations. Go!

As Batman investigates the new to his city Jonah Hex, Jonah and Jeremiah go for a drive in the country while discussing the philosophy of change.

Jonah's side of the conversation is heavily gun themed.

Jeremiah changes the subject (the philosophy of change!) because Jonah Hex is too stubborn to agree with everything coming out of Jeremiah's mouth. I was bored with the word "mouth" so I tried coming up with a synonym like "word organ" or "face cavern" but none of them sounded five star so I just went back to using mouth. I mean, fuck, it has to have survived to remain in the language this long for some reason, right? Do you think the word "mouth" means mouth because when it's said, it completely calls attention to the means of saying it? Try saying "mouth" without showing everybody your tonsils. No, no, stop. You sound like a shy twat trying to warn your friends about the gigantic, sleeping moth nearby without actually waking it.

Jeremiah becomes frustrated that Jonah Hex has no idea where Booster Gold has gone. Well, la dee fucking da, Doctor! You've got a nineteenth century killer at your side who had no control over being rocketed through time and you're slightly put out that he didn't keep tabs on his futuristic companion? Your great, great grandfather would be ashamed of you. Actually, your great, great grandfather would be trying to make out with Jonah Hex right about now.

No, the 21st Century is going to have to come to terms with Jonah Hex being a part of it. That was me stealing and adapting a line from a little known comic book you probably have never even heard of so I won't even bother mentioning it.

Talking with Jeremiah Arkham leaves Jonah Hex needing a drink. Okay, fine. Everything Jonah Hex does leaves Jonah Hex needing a drink. But this time, he really particularly seriously needs a drink. He's also learning in an off-hand way that there is no frontier. The loss of any final frontier (yes, yes. I mean on Earth) should really be a defining boundary in the Western History of the world. When we speak of things in historical context, we should make note of times that were Frontier and Post-Frontier. Because there's a big difference in the way Westerners need to deal with cultural, social, and political issues Post-Frontier. During Frontier, if people couldn't fit into society, they moved West. And they just kept moving west. Again. And again. And again. Until finally, the Pacific Ocean pretty much put a stop to that particular trick because once you crossed it, you were now east and you run into countries that were civilized long before the Western world truly understood what "civility" meant. So now people actually have to deal with changing the government and society and culture instead of just flouncing off to make their own rules a few dozen or hundreds or thousands of miles west of the assholes you never want to see again.

Which is to say that Jonah is going to have to figure out a new way of dealing with the law wanting him for killing a bunch of mutant gangbangers. Jonah's first thought is to keep on the move and disappear into the thicket. Jeremiah disavows him of that notion and instead they just drop by a tavern for some whisky. And some horrible, forced interactions with some locals.

Don't worry, Jonah. DC Editorial won't allow that to happen.

I can't stand people who take offense when you simply state that you don't feel obliged to be forced to partake of their company. Sometimes walking down Hawthorne Avenue while going to the store or the coffee shop, I have to pass by people trying to engage me in conversation. I once walked past a young woman holding a sign that said, "Free hugs." And she was telling people to smile and be happy. The ironic thing is that I was happy until she started bothering me with her own assumed agenda and belief that I was somehow miserable without her fucking face in mine. Get the hell out of my space with your insipid advice! Stop judging me because I don't wish to be included in your method of making the world a better place. It's not making my world a better place! So where does that leave you? Fuck, I don't even want to engage anyone to explain how their attitude isn't as spectacular as they might think it is.

I also don't give a shit what random strangers think of me. So when I have to pass by the people getting signatures, if they engage me (which is actually rare since I've perfected several ways to avoid being targeted by them: The Pre-Hulk Banner Stare, The Downcast Melancholy, The Twitchy Spastic, The Lost in Thought), I simply say, "No," to whatever they say or reply "I hate X" where "X" is whatever their issue happens to be. Basically I look like the biggest asshole on the planet but what the fuck do I care?

Petitioner: "Do you support gay marriage?"
Me: "No."
Petitioner: "Would you like Medical Marijuana to be on next year's ballot?"
Me: "No."
Petitioner: "Would you like the government to stop killing kittens?"
Me: "No."

You can't break me! I can easily answer no to any question poised in such a way as to make a person that doesn't answer yes look like a right fucking twat. It's a skill! Although once a young woman asked me if I cared about saving Pandas and I said, "I hate Pandas." When I had to pass by her again on the way back from wherever I was going, she stuck her tongue out at me. This caused me to smile and burst out laughing, so occasionally somebody does break through my well-maintained steel visage of assholery.

Back to the comic book, Jonah's encounter, obviously, ends in a room full of unconscious pricks and a bartender that wants Jonah's. And because history repeats itself, Jonah and Arkham wind up back in an apartment with Jonah being fucked and Arkham having an awkward conversation with a sexy woman.

Come on! That's a choice scene! Bravo!

The next page is even better, especially when she puts her feet in his crotch. In my psyche, that's pornography! Also in my pants!

Those of us reading this comic book should start a secret club! This is one of the best, most consistent comic books in The New 52 and its probably going to be one of the next on the chopping block. I don't know how the secret club would work. I think it should simply consist of an air of superiority for being one of the few people capable of enjoying such a marvelous piece of picto-literature. Maybe that's how we can identify each other! We begin calling comic books "picto-literature!"

Jonah Hex's date has a poster of Monsier Mallah and The Brain in her room, so she's pretty fucking awesome.

I hope he just had sex with one of his and Tallulah Black's descendants.

After the sex, Jonah has another philosophical exchange about America and I'm reminded why I like myself so much. I mean, why I like him! Because he agrees with me on so much! And I'm obviously right and well-informed on everything or else why would I hold those opinions? Why do people enjoy having wrong opinions? Whenever I meet somebody who disagrees with me, I have to wonder, "Why are they so stupid and stubborn?"


Fuck me but I love this fucking comic book. The next page begins with a scene change as the women have joined Arkham and Hex in their convertible. And the first words on the page out of Jonah's mouth are "You can eat the handle?" They just can't get enough of their philosophical talk, these sages!

The women have yet to reveal their names which makes me suspicious. I suppose it's possible that Hex and Arkham have yet to learn them but it seems to me that Hex is the kind of guy that would want to call the woman he's fucking by name. Perhaps Gray and Palmiotti just didn't realize that the women's names weren't revealed this far into the book since their names were probably on the script. Or it could be because this woman was named after her great, great, great grandmother Tallulah!

The girls take Jonah and Jeremiah to a chop shop to swap cars so they can be proper fugitives. The chop shop guy calls the duo "Scar Face and Lab Coat" which are pretty good nicknames for a couple of guys on the run. Although I like my version of their names which was what I read the first time, "Scab face and Lab Coat."

It turns out her name is Gina and she only reveals it as they're headed for breakfast. I guess Jonah was just too confused by the future pussy to get a name. "Why ain't thar no hair down thar? Didja recently have them louses?"

As they're walking to breakfast, they walk past a Race for the Cure event getting started. And then some maniac begins plowing through racers in his car. And Jonah realizes he's going to have to kill someone before he even gets a proper pancake in him. But he doesn't have a gun so he barges into a nearby gun store to load up.

This gun owner has been waiting for a day like this since he opened up! "Finally! I think I got legal right to shoot sum'budy!"

I bet the guy driving the car is a descendant of George Barrow, the man that eventually kills Jonah Hex!

What is it with me and thinking everybody has to be a descendant of somebody important to Jonah Hex's life back in the nineteenth century? Oh, that's right! Because it's a comic book!

Jonah shoots the guy in the head but also takes a couple of light wounds in return. And then amidst the chaos, the police draw down on Jonah Hex and arrest him. Because obviously he's a weirdo with a bandoleer and an old west fetish. He has to be the one that caused all the chaos! Or maybe they just recognize him from the reports about the mentally insane escaped convict with the melty face and the old timey clothes.

Hex is going to be charged with homicide and whatever else the police can make stick because why the fuck not? People were hurt and scared and the police have somebody to throw in jail so that everybody will feel safe again. And they can congratulate themselves on a job well done. Or, if not well done, at least lazily, inefficiently, and arrogantly done. But if they want to arrest him, they're in for a world of hurt! Because Bruce Wayne and his lawyers show up to save the day! Because Bruce Wayne is in reality The Batman! And he probably found the proof needed to prove the proof that Jonah Hex is actually a time traveler from another time!

All Star Western #23 Rating: +4 Ranking. I fucking love the everloving shit out of this Goddamned fucking cocksucking comic book. And DC can use that quote for their advertisements for the trade paperback!

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