Sunday, September 15, 2013

Brainiac #1

When you move this cover from side to side, Superman looks like he's doing squat lunges.

Please don't let this be written by Scott Lobdell. I'm reading Trigon next and I'm almost certain that one is written by him. I'm just not sure I can survive reading two Scott Lobdell comic books in a row. Other than my little prayer to whoever might be listening, I have nothing more to say!

It's a miracle! Turns out it's Tony Bedard! Good thing God loves comic books and my sanity.

Looks like The Collector of Worlds and his Terminauts are still on their mission to save examples of cultures that are about to be destroyed by Vyndktvx in his gigantic tantrum across time and space. And according to Scott Lobdell and The Twenty (which is a total ripoff of The 4400, isn't it? Just with less thought put into it because, you know, there are only twenty), the more human looking Brainiac (possibly because it's actually Vril Dox; also possibly it's just the original Brainiac made to look human for infiltration purposes) is looking for intelligent creatures into which to download Coluan egos. So there's a bit of saving culture and a bit of a selfish search and a whole lot of misunderstanding since The Collector of Worlds tends to demolish a lot of shit on each planet as it also steals a tiny city. Because who cares how much destruction happens to a world already in the queue for destruction!

This robot that had its programming taken over by the Brainiac A.I. knows the history of The Collector of Worlds and its battle against Vyndktvx's Multitude, so he relates it to Victoria Viceroy, the woman who built him, so that she may understand exactly what's happening and why she should let it happen unimpeded.

Every fucking planet has a Goddamned Jor-el, don't they?

Vril Dox is caught by his wife experimenting on their kid. Now I don't have kids and never plan on having any, but I'm pretty sure this is a huge no-no. I'm not even sure if I want to know what he's doing judging by that big metal apparatus attached to his son's crotch.

Vril Dox had learned about The Fifth Dimension and the Multitude and how nearly a hundred planets had already been destroyed. His planet was next and the only way to defend against it was by shoving contraptions on the populace's genitalia. It was a desperate gambit but he was positive it was going to work! The only problem was his being convicted of pedophilia and exiled into a Banishment Orb which was shot into space. Well, at least that solved his problem. Now he wouldn't die when Colu was smashed to bits!

These worlds need to stop imprisoning geniuses in prisons of their own designs!

Once Vril Dox turns himself into the multi-orificed head we know and love, and converted his Banishment Orb into an Octobot Prototype, he returns to Yod-Colu to save the world. Actually, he's going to let the world die because he's no Jor-el and there's nothing he can do to save it. But he does plan on saving its culture! And some nice pieces of art. And some of the better video game systems. And, of course, one small city shrunk down to a nice, manageable size. Lucky for his wife and son, he decided to save the city they were currently in.

And then Yod-Colu died.

And that explains why the Brainiac that created Cyborg Superman looked nothing like the crazy centaur thing that tried to take Metropolis.

Brainiac couldn't stop the Multitude even though he was a 12th Level Intelligence. But he soon learned of a man named Jor-el that did stop the Multitude. Which meant Jor-el was smarter than he was. But he also learned that Jor-el died when Krypton was destroyed anyway, not by the Multitude but by some inner core disaster or maybe some clone war or perhaps the weather machines on the surface failed. There have been so many possibilities, I don't think the actual reason for Krypton's destruction has been settled yet.

Brainiac changed his plan now that he knew there was a being like (and better!) than him on Krypton. Now he decided to search every planet for a genius that might help stop the Multitude. And if they can't, he destroys the planet himself. But if they can? Well, he'll probably take the credit for learning how to stop the Multitude and destroy the planet anyway. Then he'll probably only save the rest of the planets if they agree to his rule, since he is a would-be world conqueror.

But before Brainiac destroys the planet with Victoria Viceroy on it, Victoria sends a message detailing Brainiac and his plans which is picked up by the Jor-el of Earth: Doctor Shay Veritas, the Omniologist!

Haven't you heard, big shot? Superman is dead!

Brainiac #1 Rating: It's hard to tell exactly when Dr. Veritas gets this message but I think Superman already knows the danger that Brainiac poses. After all, he did battle one of his incarnations already. And he's currently busy battling The Twenty which are pawns of Brainiac. Anyway, this was a thorough explanation of Brainiac which fit well into the current continuity. But the story didn't make me care much, one way or the other. So it gets a middling ranking of 24. Or something.

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