Teen Titans #23

Kid Flash is kidnapped by the Anal Worm Men of Sirius B.

I'm desperately afraid that my shitty caption about the cover is going to prove to be more entertaining than the actual story.

Wait a second. Did I not open the cover to the first page?

What are the odds of Scott Lobdell Lobdelling Teen Titans #23? As you can see from the above scan and from history, 100*%. I just invented that notation. The asterisk represents the word "fucking." As in "One Hundred Fucking Percent." Now that I've explained it, I don't want y'all acting confused every time I use it in the future. And you should all begin using it as well until it becomes common usage by every astrophysicist in the world.

I suppose, if I were the type to cut a writer some slack (I'm not), I could say that this was Scott Lobdell playing with his usual, boring comic book opening pages. He knows that everybody excepts to open up the comic book and have the first caption read, "His name is Kid Flash." And then a short bio and a few boxes to catch everybody up on where the action left off. But since I hate these full page opens to Lobdell's stories and I hate how he begins them all with the "my name" bit and I hate narration boxes and I hate Scott Lobdell and I hate Scott Lobdell's pets and I hate Scott Lobdell's grandmother's cookies and I hate the way Scott Lobdell has been writing Kid Flash, I can't give him any benefit of the doubt that might make this page interesting. If another writer had done it, it would be funny. I could consider it parody or satire. But with Scott Lobdell, I just consider it sad.

Luckily for Kid Flash, Cassie Sandsmark somehow makes it from above deck, spinning around as she ran down the stairs to change into her Wonder Girl outfit (that's how she does it, right?), shoved her way past Solstice who was just standing around stinking up the hallway, picked the lock on Bart's door (which I'm positive he locked to keep that heart-breaking slattern Solstice from bothering him), and was able to lasso Bart's wrist just before he was pulled through the analomaly.

Unluckily for Kid Flash and Wonder Girl, the boat falls apart around them and she's dragged across the splitting floor and pulled in with him.

Luckyluckilily, Bunker is there to save them this time!

Unluckyluckilily, Bunker relies on bracing himself using the crumbling yacht as well! The door frame he's hanging on to breaks and they begin plummeting, once again, into the future!

But wait! If that's as long as you thought the human chain was going to get, you're sorely mistaken, my friends! Next in line is...oh wait.

I guess you were technically correct if you thought that was the end of the "human" chain.

I often say that I really try hard not to let my bias cloud my commentaries. I've also said that that ship sailed a long time ago concerning Scott Lobdell's work. But that panel I just scanned? I really liked it! I like that banter and now realize that a regularly well-written Teen Titans team would be a lot of fun if Beast Boy and Bunker became Besties. And even though the Narration Boxes have been a bit flippant and tongue-in-cheek, I think these express the moments of Beast Boy's short and violent time with the Teen Titans well. He really hasn't had a chance to deal with seeing the other Ravagers stabbed by Deathstroke and seemingly killed (they were merely captured for use in battles at Harvest's Gym later). Do more of this and less whatever you normally do, Mr. Lobdell! See? I can even be respectful when you perform adequately!

Solstice and Superboy show up next to help keep Kid Flash from disappearing into the future. I hope Red Robin shows up last and says, "Grab my hand! I'll save you!" And everybody will pout and stomp their feet and glare down at him and say, "No." Then they'll all willingly head into the Analomaly instead of having to hang out with that douchebag Tim Drake.

Who, I might add, was being controlled by Trigon while he was being a douchebag so these brats had better get it together and forgive him already!

Red Robin does show up last and has a strategy! He tells Superboy to use his telekinesis to disrupt the portal because that will do something that will help!

Dude! Drop it! Let it go! Sheesh, you weren't even hurt by it! Superboy just likes causing trouble.

Red Robin's plan works and Kid Flash is saved! Umm. Yay? I thought this month was supposed to be Flash dealing with his future? I should know better than to speculate on future events of Teen Titans based on how one issue ends. I'm not even sure Scott Lobdell rereads or remembers anything he writes. But that's okay! At least the team seems to be getting along which is all I fucking wanted at the end of last issue. All that sudden drama was bullshit.

Meanwhile in the 30th Century:

I don't know who these jokers are but hold a grudge much? You're in the 30th Century. Bar Tor went to the 21st. He's long fucking dead by now! Get over it.

Everybody is happy that Bart didn't die. Except Raven keeps adding snide remarks to the conversation which seem to be trying to get members of the Titans to doubt other members of the Titans. She'd better rein it in a little, the stupid mole! She's going to blow her cover on her first night as an infiltrator! Also, her costume is horrible. I just thought that should be mentioned every fucking time I have to look at it. Just awful.

Afterward, Beast Boy and Bunker hang out because they're going to become best friends and have long, deep, funny discussions about the existence or non-existence of God. But before they can learn they're best friends, Bunker has to head back to Mexico because his boyfriend has finally come out of his coma. I'm sure he's in his coma because Bunker crushed him with his psychic bricks on accident.

Just offshore, Cassie is thinking about her father who she might now never get to know since he's been shattered into a bajillion pieces by the First Born over in Wonder Woman. But that's okay because she's feeling all vulnerable and full of Daddy Issues which enables Superboy to swoop in and act charming and innocent. It's easy to act charming and innocent when you're only about eight months old! And I guess Superboy's super hot and sexy "personality" has finally tipped the scales against Cassie's hatred for him trying to kill her because they finally decide to see who has the stronger gag reflex.

I wonder if Timothy kept his mask on when Cassie fucked him?

Inside Teen Titans Control, Red Robin explains all the strengths and weaknesses of his team. He says of Solstice: "Everything about Solstice and her past indicates she should have given up on herself--on life--long before we met her." What a dick! "Hey, Solstice! I'm fucking surprised you didn't just eat a bullet already! Man, you're a loser! Total victim, again and again! Are you too stupid to realize how pathetic your life is?!"

That might have made me look like a bigger dick than Red Robin!

Tim Drake is supposed to be a pretty smart cookie, so I think he knows that Raven is still under Trigon's influence. He's completely up her ass about how strong and good and wonderful she is. How she has so much strength to stand up to her father. He sounds like he's trying to convince her to truly rebel and join the team. It's why he told her what dire straights all the other members were in before joining. He wants her to realize she's one of them, if she'll only let go of her past. And he's really very subtle about it!

Here's Scott Lobdell telling everybody to stop fucking asking him what it stands for because he can't fucking think of anything good. No wonder! The acronym has three more letters than H.I.V.E. and he came up with a complete shit acronym for that!

How about Nasty Ogres Who Hurt Every Runaway Ever?

And finally in the Titans working through their relationship panels, Kid Flash decides he loves the taste of Burnt Cinder Lip Gloss.

Boom! Super quick jizz in the pants!

The issue ends with Bunker and Beast Boy leaving the Titans to go on a super buddy road trip across the United States so Bunker can be at the side of his man, Gabriel. I hope Gabriel ends up being Bunker's evil son from the future that's also his father from his past and now his lover! That's what Cable was to Cyclops, right?

Teen Titans #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. There were some actual glimpses of a good team here! I hope Bunker and Beast Boy get their own comic book and it's written by somebody else! Anybody else! No, not Ann Nocenti! Anybody anybody else!