The Creeper #1

I expected to scan this cover and just get a gigantic lens flare.

I'm just going to read all of these in random order, so lets get Ann Nocenti's amazing piece of crap out of the way first. Bonus: Story by Dan DiDio!

So back in the 16th Century Japan which is a time when there were Japanese people and it was the 16th Century, a small boy named Jakku allowed a demon to live behind his tongue. "It's okay, Jakku," it would say when his father would begin drinking too much and verbally abusing the rest of the family. "Everything will be okay, Jakku." Jakku would waggle his finger and speak in a raspy voice when he was being the demon. Or pretending to be the demon, the Ninja Therapist his parents took him to would say. "You see, Mister and Missus Jakku, your son is suffering from a disassociated personality. He's escaping what he finds to be an insufferable home life that doesn't provide him the adequate feeling of love and safety needed for a young boy his age. Might I suggest a long, extended vacation? Perhaps to a monastery up on Mt. Fuji? They're completely isolated in the worst parts of winter and I hear one of them needs a caretaker for the winter while the monks go on a religious sojourn. Perhaps you and your family could go there and bond." The family thought this was a divine idea, especially the mother! Jakku's father decided he could get some Haiku writing done in the peace and stillness of the deserted monastery. But Jakku was worried that a change in locale would not confer a change in his father's attitude. "I don't want to go, Mr. Jakku," complained the demon before killing Jakku's family and the entire village leaving Jakku to wonder how he, alone, remained alive. "It will be okay," said the demon. "Everything will be okay."

I fucking can't stand arbitrary chaos! Give me well-scheduled and orderly chaos every fucking time!

For twenty years, Jakku's demon made him do horrible, terrible things but then left the blame on a passing tornado every time. But that did not fool The Mad Samurai! And since the Mad Samurai didn't know that Jakku's Demon had already explained why it chose Jakku on the first page, The Mad Samurai repeats the story on the third page. But you'd have thought that Ann Nocenti would have noticed.

So the Mad Samurai destroys Jakku and his little demon buddy. I think the Mad Samurai's name is Halloran and he wields the Soultaker Sword!

I'm pretty excite for Doctor Sleep, the sequel to The Shining set to be released this month!

So The Mad Samurai fought his way to the top of the Sword Clan of the Outsiders. He says he was crazy and he says crazy people know they're crazy. But he can't speak for all crazy people. He can only speak for himself. I suspect it's more that crazy people, at times of greater lucidity, suspect that they might be crazy. Like Philip K. Dick!

In my later years when I'm somehow recounting the tale of my death, I'm going to be sure to use a lot of sexual euphemisms.

Once inside the Soultaker sword, The Mad Samurai was tortured by The Creeper as was every other soul which was inside the blade. But only a few matter because they're characters that have been set loose from the sword over in Katana, like Maseo and Mona Shard and probably the Dragon thing that Killer Croc is supposed to be turning into his best friend.

Eventually the story begins to repeat shit from Katana. As if I ever needed to revisit that garbage! For some reason, The Creeper decides to possess a corpse. I'm not saying that I think that's stupid since this is a comic book but I am typing it: that's fucking stupid. But I suppose since The Phantom Stranger got him killed for The Font in the Sky's mysterious purposes, The Font in the Sky miraculously kept Jack Ryder's body in a state of near death and perfectly sealed freshness.

Once The Creeper possesses Jack Ryder (a feat known as "riding" which Ann Nocenti will never let us fucking forget. "I'm gonna ride this!" "Gotta go find a body to ride!" "Ride 'em if ya got 'em!" "Ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride!"), it goes on a random spree of chaotic randomness. It's truly terrible for all of the boring people trying to live boring lives who don't fucking care about things that ambitious people actually think everybody cares about. How dare people just want to raise a family and have a quiet life?! Ugh! So fucking boring! You should be out burning shit down or drinking a lot or yelling "WOOOO!" everywhere you to prove to everybody around you that you're living an exciting life!

I really don't like The Creeper. I have the smallest inkling of suspicions that it's because Ann Nocenti is writing him though.

Some stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder isn't dead. Then some other stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder is not dead. Then some sort of different stuff happens and people say Ryder is dead and other people say Ryder is not dead.

I can't tell if Jack Ryder is dead or not!

Whatever the case, The Creeper begins forcing people to commit atrocities overnight so that Jack Ryder can report on them in the morning. I don't think that's the Creeper's main reason; he just likes arbitrary chaos. But that's what happens anyhow. And then one night, The Creeper gets tired of letting humans have all the fun and he flips the fuck out on San Francisco.

If I could make one wish, I wouldn't waste it on world peace. I'd wish that Ann Nocenti would never write another line of dialogue for the rest of my life. Yes, my life. When I die, she can get back to it.

Then Jack Ryder experiences the same sense of grief and loss and survivor's guilt that little Jakka Torrance felt way back in 16th Century Japan. Get it? They were both named Jack! Hee hee hee hee! THE CREEPER!

The Creeper #1 Rating: Fuck you! I'm not rating this piece of shit! We do all realize that this is our only life, right? Because I don't think I've fully comprehended it yet. Why else would I spend so much of my finite awareness in this universe on Ann Nocenti's writing?! What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be punishing myself for some past sin that I can't quite remember. Or can remember but won't tell on a blog without first researching the statute of limitations on the punishment for that sin!

One non-Ann Nocenti thing that I did learn while reading this comic book is that it doesn't really matter which comic book the Villain has taken over because they're only tentatively linked to each other. So The Creeper is a magic creature so he gets to take over Justice League Dark. Even though it would have been better off if this were an issue of Katana. My guess is that DC actually wanted to sell some copies of The Creeper #1, so they didn't want to tie it to that crapfest Katana.