Killer Frost #1

Will we finally get the story about how she transformed way back in The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #1?

I'm not even sure if the woman caught in Ronnie and Jason's initial Firestorm transformation became Killer Frost. That title was such a mess for most of its run. I think it got a little bit too ambitious. You can tell by how many words were in the title.

This issue begins with Doctor Caitlin Snow arriving in the Arctic. I weigh out all the facts: her last name is Snow; she's narrating the comic book; she finds articles on hypothermia fascinating. Yep! She's going to be Killer Frost! I'm 38% sure of it. Which means the woman in the early pages of Firestorm never did get to become Killer Frost. Oh! Unless this is her since this is three years earlier! So there's still time to join the Hyenas or Jackals or Dog Patrol or whatever the fuck American Terrorist group masquerading as a corporate entity was called.

The big twist in Killer Frost's Reboot: the professor was impressed with her hard work and intelligence.

The Doctor that Doctor Snow is replacing was a Louise Lincoln who wandered out into the Arctic cold and froze to death. Louise Lincoln was the name of the second Killer Frost in Firestorm's history but I don't think the name is anything but a callback to the Preboot era. Doctor Snow gets some weird looks from the rest of the science team as she is led off to see her lab, the self-sustaining, thermodynamic ultraconductor. It was a machine that Doctor Lincoln was working on to create perpetual motion and, thus, free energy. Doctor Lincoln's logic for designing something that would break the law of physics went thus: "Fucking Superman flies and shit, shooting lasers out of his fucking eyeballs which, like, should totally not be possible, so why can't I fucking throw away the Laws of Physics too? Who does that fucking Superman think he is?"

Doctor Lincoln died before she could get her machine to work. Or maybe she died because she got her machine to work and then it was sabotaged, seeing as that's what happens to Doctor Snow after she fixes it.

Maybe he's just coming up for a celebratory hug?

It turns out all the other assholes at the outpost work for H.I.V.E. Which probably also makes them terribly written assholes. But what it definitely makes them is uninterested in a technology that will kill the money to be made in fossil fuels and other energy industries. Although why H.I.V.E. cares, I don't know. Aren't they just planning on mind controlling everybody anyway? If they're so concerned with money, they can just force everyone to empty their wallets on H.I.V.E.'s doorstep.

They trap her inside the chamber with the Ultraconductor and turn it on. But before it warms up and melts her into a really intelligent and hard working pile of goo, she rearranges some wires and shit. It's at this point where a person becomes superhuman or a corpse. Doctor Snow manages to get lucky and become Killer Frost. Or Killer Snow. She'll probably go with that for a few seconds before she realizes how stupid it sounds.

One thing left over from the Silver Age: she still likes to steal warmth by kissing. I'm so glad. I thought they were going to modernize that as well. "Bend over, Doctor. The best way to steal a body's core warmth is through the anal sphincter."

Gail Simone mentions scenes on Twitter all the time and people draw the scenes for her. How come nobody ever draws my fantasy scenes?! Come on, people! I want to see pics of Killer Frost rim-jobbing the life force out of people! You'll get loads and loads of new Followers when I post them to my site!

Killer Frost eventually makes it back home to Pittsburgh after kissing her way through another outpost and through a small airport, along a railroad, through a couple dozen cab rides, two greyhound bus trips, and a couple dozen hitchhiked rides. She should probably have Kiss in her name since it's her main weapon. The Kiss Stealer! The Anal Sphincter Kiss Bandit. Killer Rimjob.

Back in Pittsburgh, she meets Firestorm.

And learned she could be a real girl again!

But Firestorm eluded her attempts to steal his power over and over again. And then the Crime Syndicate came and killed her one chance of returning to normal. They had killed the Justice League. No more Firestorm. No more soft, tender flesh. No more hope.

Killer Frost #1 Rating: I really liked this issue. I liked that Caitlin Snow was a normal, happy, exuberant woman that a really fucked up thing happened to. And I like that it ends with Killer Frost hopeless and not very happy with the Crime Syndicate. Does this mean she'll be joining up with Black Manta to help defeat these Earth 3 assholes? Maybe Earth 3 Lex Luthor will escape from the Crime Syndicate's clutches and create his own Legion of Doom (Doom being a good thing on Earth 3! I think) with the villains that don't see a world run by the Crime Syndicate as a nice place to be. Or, um, maybe Earth Prime's Lex Luthor will do that since he was kind of the main character in Forever Evil! Sometimes I should think shit through before I actually type it. Then y'all wouldn't have to read nearly as much.