Thursday, September 19, 2013

Riddler #1

What a smarmy bastard.

What's brown and sticky?
Wrong. A turd covered in semen.

I don't really know any riddles except really stupid shit like, "What two letters cause a car to stop running?" "M T!" Holy shit, that was bad. But I was one of those jerky kids that bought joke books during the school book drive instead of actual books to read. Not that I wasn't reading books! I read a lot of shit. But I always bought dumb joke books or books with paper cut outs that you would fold up to create wacky monsters. Since I don't know many riddles, I'll tell one of my favorite jokes three ways.

First and Regular Way:
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Really? You've got a drink called a John Smith?"

Second and Better Way:
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Really? You've got a drink called a Tom Collins?"

Third and Super Hero Way:
Batman walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you!" Batman replies, "Really? You've got a drink called a Bruce Wayne? OH FUCK!"

I also really like the joke about Jesus being able to see Peter's house from here.

Surprise! The Riddler begins this issue with some riddles.

Here are my answers: Panel One: Me. Panel Two: Microsoft. Panel Three: Helena from Boxing Helena with five broke-ass broke assistants. Panel Four: The sock that wasn't jerked off into the previous night. Panel Five: My mom.

I'm pretty confident in my answers although I'm wondering how The Riddler knows my mother.

The Riddler is currently causing chaos during Ultraman's Eclipso causing prank so that he can infiltrate Wayne Enterprises Tower. As he swipes his specialized tricked-out security card to get past security, he says that the answer to his first riddle was "a card." Well, sure! If you wanted to choose the easy answer that wasn't about me! Anyway, time for a riddle of my own!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she saw a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim walking into the bar across the street and wanted to see the punchline.

Bruce Wayne allows his security to use guns?

Security attempts to apprehend the Riddler but fails to do so when the Riddler offers up the answer to his second riddle. That answer is "electricity" while I answered "Microsoft." I'm going to give myself that one since it's pretty close! While I'm at it, I'm going to give myself a point for the first one because I am a card!

Here's another riddle!

How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two but I don't know how they got in there.

My fingers have an issue with being thought of as the "servants" of the hand. Fuck it, they barely have anything to do with the palm. Bitch ass lazy shit. What is it good for? Clapping? Slapping? Rubbing the sha...oh yeah. It's important.

After Edward's first three riddles, his entire plan is going pretty smoothly. He's completely under control and looking dapper. He smoothly goes from one speed bump to the next, having everything planned out to the second. Calm and cool. He's got everything under control so you have to wonder why would he wind up in Arkham Asylum every time he's captured?

Oh yeah. That's why. That's some motherfucking psycho Blue Velvet shit right there.

I'm glad this scene is in here so that we can see how quickly the Riddler loses it when somebody fucks up his well-laid out, precise plans. Also when somebody touches him, I suppose. It's one of my favorite scenes so far in Villains Month although it doesn't quite beat out the final moments on Krypton between Zor-el and Alura in Cyborg Superman #1.

The Riddler needs to take a time out and do some breathing exercises to restore his calm. He's interrupted by an old acquaintance: an Arkham security guard from years ago that now runs security in Wayne Tower.

After seeing that last display, it wouldn't surprise me if George were the reason The Riddler were here to get even for stealing his cards in Arkham.

The Riddler repeats his riddle as he fights George although after reading the Riddler's Who's Who entry and his fighting abilities, my money is on George in a hand-to-hand encounter! But the Riddler has a literal trick up his sleeve! Drink! I said, "Literal!" Oh! Drink again! Anyway, the trick is an explosive dart and it helps answer the fourth riddle!

This riddle was unfair although we did get to meet George's right arm for a brief panel early on. Still, I think without knowing enough about George, I'm going to say my sock answer was good enough!

I'm beginning to think that "My mom" is not going to be the answer to the final riddle. Maybe the answer is The Joker!

The Riddler climbs to the top of Wayne Tower and continues with his game of solitaire that George interrupted four years ago. As the Riddler says, he's just killing time until Batman gets back. And solitaire is just about the perfect metaphor for killing time. Plus the entire issue is a game of solitaire as the Riddler matches wits with nobody. He simply invades a building that's nearly impossible to break into, fucks around a bit, and climbs to the roof to waste some time.

The Riddler #1 Rating: This one probably ranks in the top ten somewhere. The best part of his issue was when Ray Fawkes' name was spelled wrong in the credits. Ha ha! Good job, DC Comics! Oh, some other stuff was really good too! But the last thing I was confused by was the "To Be Continued in Batman #25." What about issue #24? What's happening in that issue? Will it be a one shot about Titus, Alfred the cat, and Batcow? Or does the comic just mean that the Riddler's card game will be continued in Issue #25?

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