Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Eclipso #1

I suppose the Purple Diamond just doesn't sound very frightening.

Can you believe there are people out there that really like this character? They're probably the same kind of jerks that like The Creeper too! And Jack Kirby's Demon! Whoever likes those characters is probably the most boring person in the world.

Ha ha! Just kidding, jenstansfield's husband! I hope I made you cry! I mean didn't make you cry! Whatever. What do I care? Your wife calls me Cunty McDickhole.

Speaking of The Creeper and The Demon, I sense a theme with these characters! They're people taken over by other creatures who do horrible and monstrous things! I deduced that all by myself without Lord Google's help or anything! And then after returning to normal, Jason Blood/Jack Ryder/Bruce GordonGordon Jacobs get to look shocked and play innocent and point out how it's not their fault (of course The Creeper wasn't always this way). No wonder somebody would look up to these characters! They get away with anything they want and then blame it on some fictional "evil side."

jenstansfield: "Who ate the last piece of cake I was saving for when I finished off these last three bottles of wine?!"
The Husband: "What? I don't know! How odd!"
jenstansfield: "Why is there red frosting all over your Jack Kirby Demon t-shirt that Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea covets?!"
The Husband: "Oh my! How did that get there? I did have a dream of a dank beast huddled in the corner of the kitchen in the dark tearing into a great big fuzzy cake."
jenstansfield: "Fuzzy? Oh my god! Where is Leela?!"

I should read Eclipso now that I've creeped jenstansfield out with my knowledge of her I've gleaned from her Tumblr. I mean, now that my dark, evil, monstrous half did all of that stalkery weird crap just for a joke dialogue that was probably a spot on rendition of her life at home. Especially the drinking part!

I should put all of my Followers' names into a hat and draw one out to write about each commentary! Except who has a big enough hat for that?

Disgraced physicist Gordon Jacobs has hidden himself away in his home due to his Solar City project ending up in disaster. If it's anything like his old Who's Who entry then he became Eclipso and destroyed it himself. If it's different than that then he probably just got drunk and leaned up against a solar tower that wasn't properly secured and knocked the entire city down like a bunch of dominoes. But now he's just received a package with a Black Diamond in it and he believes it's his cure. For either alcoholism or Eclipsoitis. I can't be sure which.

How is he supposed to let you out, little Eclipso? Cut out a paper moon and hold up to block the sun? Now I want to download that song.

I don't repeatedly watch movies very often but I've probably seen Paper Moon about six hundred times. I'm probably exaggerating. It's probably closer to twelve. But that hardly sounds like a lot so I had to pad my case for being the biggest fan of that movie ever! I really like that part where the guy does that grift and the little girl smokes and swears a lot. So good.

Gordon acts surprised at the little talking demon in the diamond. I think Gordon was working with Black Diamond dust to control the raging impulses of inmates in Arkham. I might be mixing up some characters since Team 7 was so long ago. But since Gordon thinks the Diamond can help him, he must at least know of the research with it. And maybe he's suffering from mental illness and he just flew into a rage at the Solar City unveiling. Whatever he knows about the Black Diamond, he certainly didn't know about Eclipso until this moment. And he's going to get to know a lot more about him when Ultraman shoves the moon in front of the sun.

Eclipso explaining the beginning of creation in the only way that Dan DiDio knows how to make a story sound profound and important.

The first time I spoke with a little man in a crystal, I instantly believed everything he said and became a believer in God on the spot. Of course he told me God was an Ewok. But why should I doubt him? He gave me evidence of God by making words out of sounds! That alone should be a proof of God! How could evolution produce vocal cords that just happen to be able to pronounce the words of every language? What are the chances?!

Next comes a double-page spread and I realize why Dan DiDio took over writing duties for this issue. It's because he has to tie all of the Black Diamond Probability stories together so that they make some kind of sense. Although that crossover actually already made sense. Which is weird. Maybe it's because Scott Lobdell wasn't a part of it. Although I'm fairly certain he takes a shot at Ann Nocenti.

See? He's saying his time with Catwoman was so ridiculous that it brought him close to despair! I think we all know how you feel, Eclipso.

Eclipso convinces Gordon to cut himself with the diamond as Bennett (Gordon's ex-fiance's father who financed Solar City or something) drives up to his residence out in a fairly excluded area. Which is weird because I'm fairly certain Dr. Gordon Jacobs received the Black Diamond in Gotham City in a scene from a comic book title I can't remember. The scene in this issue where the Black Diamond is delivered seems to be a rewrite of that but I just can't remember what comic it was in. Oh no wait! I got it! Totally different.

Catwoman #16 has Trip (Catwoman's fence and manager for a few issues) delivering the Black Diamond to the home of "Bruce Gordon" where it's accepted by a man named Alex Montez. Those are both the names of characters that have been Eclipso's host. I guess DiDio didn't like that direction and maybe that's a bit of a hint as to why Eclipso feared he would never find the right person because Alex Montez was a likely candidate having hosted him in the Preboot Universe and since Montez was the man who did the experiments at Arkham with the Diamond. Maybe it was Alex Montez that sold this bit of Black Diamond to Gordon Jacobs via eBay after he decided to go another direction with his experiments at Arkham.

As Bennett approaches Gordon's house, Ultraman pushes the moon in front of the sun. Eclipso kills Bennett while Gordon flips the fuck out over this sour deal from inside Eclipso's mind. Apparently Gordon never read Faust. Or saw Little Shop of Horrors. Because now he's stuck with his little devil as it whispers things it can give Gordon if only Gordon does as it says. And thus Gordon decides to hold off on getting rid of Audrey II the Black Diamond.

Eclipso #1 Rating: Maybe as a solitary, stand-alone issue, I'd have thought this was okay. But it has Dan DiDio's continuity stink all over it. He was so desperate to have Eclipso be both part of the stories told in the Black Diamond Probability and to also be separate from any flaws of that story, that he kept the history and then shoved the Black Diamond into the hands of someone that had nothing to do with that crossover at all. In other words, Dan DiDio (or his monster half!) got to eat his cake and the cat too.

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