Saturday, September 14, 2013

Grodd #1

Oh you silly monkey! You're upside down!

I don't know if I'm in the mood to be funny right now. I just got dressed down in one of my commentary's comments section because I'm not allowed to call out assholes. Apparently I "come across as condescending, self-righteous, arrogant and disrespectful." All that says is you've been reading my blog! Anyway, I'm just trying to get people to focus their anger in healthy directions! I've been alive a long time! I've seen movements harmed due to overreacting assholes in the mix pushing people away from their side! Okay, maybe most of those movements were in Dungeons and Dragons campaigns but you can learn a lot from role playing! But now that I've been told that my cock outweighs any experience or wisdom I might have on a subject, I should probably just stick to jokes about monkeys. Good thing this comic book has a monkey in it!

I think I just flattered myself by saying "my cock outweighs any experience!"

I hope my audience has very few monkeys in it because I don't need people complaining about my views on Monkeys as well as my views on attacking allies and my views on the nonexistence of God and my views that Canada is in America.

And before I begin reading, let me just apologize to Commenter Natalie for using her serious comments as fodder for more stupid fucking jokes. All comments to my blog are appreciated! They're also probably going to be talked about. Especially if they tell me I'm being a dick. Or should I say cunt? I don't want to be accused of sexism but I don't know which word would make that less likely!

Grodd's issue begins before the Justice League have been defeated. The Gorillas of Gorilla City are helping to rebuild. And some Gorilla is narrating and going on and on about destiny and whether destiny exists or is it made up or blah blah blah fucking blah blah blah. I'm sure the narrator is Grodd since this is his comic book.

I would answer "Yes" to his first question.

The way time works, destiny is one of those words that means something different when looked at in different points of a person's life. You would say of a child that he's destined for greatness but he may never become great. It's a belief and a dream. Destiny doesn't preordain anything and it's up to the child to choose its path. But at the end of that child's life, if he did become great, one could look at his accomplishments and say, "He was destined for greatness." And it would be true because he's already chosen his life's path and gone through it and that's the way it turned out. Funny thing about time is that that's the way it was meant to turn out because it turned out that way. Sure, it's a tautology but it's my attempt to explain why I would answer the stupid monkey's question with a nonsensical yes. It's both. Whatever your life was like at the moment of death is the way your life was meant to be at the moment of your birth. We just can't see it because, and this is the strange bit, we've yet to choose it. Yes, I believe we choose our path even though it's preordained. Nothing is forcing us to choose the path we take but once we've taken it, it becomes the only path we were ever meant to take. See?

Now if you want to bring up alternate dimensions that exist for every choice we ever make then fuck you! Let's read some more about monkeys!

The Narrator continues his philosophical musings and they're all fairly well-thought out and interesting.

I am convinced that "conviction" has never been used more perfectly than in this Narration Box.

And then the eclipse happens. And even though Ultraman set it up to block out the sun in Happy Harbor, Rhode Island, it also blocks out the sun in Central Keystone City, Whatever Fucking State It Is In. And then it looks like Johnny Quick is paying the city a visit or the Earth is splitting open. Maybe it's Gorilla Grodd on a moped.

Yep, it's Grodd! But no moped. Sad face.

I was hoping Grodd would appear back in time to attack Keystone Central City so that Barry and Hal's first meeting would be fighting time traveling Grodd just like one of them said way back in an early issue of Justice League. But then The Flash Annual #2 showed that wasn't how it happened because they were obviously talking about the aliens they had to fight to save the children. I think some of them were apelike. But instead of Grodd traveling through time, he was just now freed from the Speed Force by the Crime Syndicate. And now he has Speed Force powers too!

Since The Flash is (presumably) dead, The Pied Piper makes his triumphant return in order to save the city!

Oh! I meant embarrassing return. I had my dictionary upside down.

Since Centone Keystral City is just chock full of bad guys, a few come by to join up with Grodd: Chroma, Tar Pit, and Girder. They left out my favorite of this new batch: The Folded Man! I hope it's because Grodd plans on killing these nobodies and Buccellato wanted to keep The Folded Man alive so he could become super awesome and The Flash's greatest enemy.

Grodd does react negatively to these chumps trying to join his cause and he kills Girder for his insolence.

Maybe since he's made out of girders, he survived that ass kicking.

Solovar tries to stand against Grodd, telling him that they have decided to make peace with the humans. But Grodd says "Fuck that shit!" and attempts to kill Solovar while crashing a helicopter full of humans into the ground with his new "force of mind" powers. The gorillas and the humans attack Grodd en masse but it's not enough. He's just too powerful for them all.

Ha ha! Good one! Now flip over a car!

The humans that Grodd lets live are put into an internment camp while the Gorillas turn Kentral Ceystone City into Gorilla City. Solovar and the other Gorilla Elders are chained to the fallen Flash statue and used as Grodd's throne. And apparently Chroma didn't get to last too long in The New 52.

But there's The Folded Man! Yay!

Grodd puts the Mayor and the Elder's head on a stake near his new throne to promote the clarity of his new vision. I'm pretty sure that vision is "Shut the fuck up or you'll head will be put on a stake." But Grodd didn't count on one of the side-effects of being infected with the Speed Force: super-duper-hyper ADHD. He rules Gorilla City for all of a couple of hours and then grows bored, leaping away to whatever destiny or evolution or destiolution have in store for him. But what's going to happen to Gorilla City now? I suppose that story will take place in Forever Evil: Rogues Rebellion!

Grodd #1 Rating: Better than most of the other comics from the first week! I like that it all took place in the "NOW" of The New 52 and that it didn't involve Grodd's mother beating him and calling him a fucked up chimpanzee. Besides, we already saw how his daddy issues caused him to eat his father's brains and how being king meant everything to him. And now that he got it, he still wasn't happy. Isn't that always the way? Why is that always the way! I'm glad I don't know what I want to make me happy so I'm not unhappy wishing I had that thing to make me happy! Instead I'm just happy! Maybe I'm just an idiot.

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