Saturday, September 14, 2013

Count Vertigo #1

By far, the biggest douchebag of The New 52.

One of the great DC Universe cosmic coincidences during the Preboot years was that a man named Count Werner Vertigo was born with a hereditary inner ear condition that gave him serious vertigo. Unless his parents were just assholes. But it's his last name that was Vertigo, so I don't suspect it was his parents. Perhaps the medical condition was named after this family. But the Reboot has fixed this inane coincidence by renaming Count Vertigo as Warren Zytle. Or Werner Zytle. Whatever. He's still a pretentious fucking dick jelly with a lame power.

I don't want to hear any arguments for why his power is super effective. Just like I don't want to hear about how truly awesome Aquaman is and how he's "more than a guy that talks with fish." Because his power levels aren't the point. He makes people dizzy. He has the same exact power a vodka. And the power isn't even his! It's an implant that helps his condition. Take out the implant and suddenly he's suffering from vertigo himself and puking on Green Arrow's boots. Worst of all, he's aristocratic. He thinks he's better than everyone. Sure, sure. He is better than Green Arrow. I still hate Green Arrow because of what J.T. Krul did to him twenty issues ago.

But enough about my super ability to not let things drop. Fucking J.T. Krul. That guy was the worst. Captain Atom and Green Arrow probably had to start a support group for poorly written superheroes.

[[MORE]] Werner Zytle has come to America Canada to do some Bruce Wayne-type publicity for his charitable organizations. But Count Vertigo has come to America Canada to remember why he came to America Canada.

Because he was a bad child with a bad inner ear condition! Bad!

Werner's mother had to come to America Canada to become a whore so she could save The Count. She seems to be a bit bitter about the entire ordeal. What's her problem? Vlatava was only a little shit country with no real power or wealth. It's not like it was Markovia! Or Latveria.

Instead of saving The Count, she sells him to a medical research school that specializes in turning children into super-powered freaks. I'm speculating! They might just randomly stick electronic gadgets to the kids faces to see if anything cool happens. Count Vertigo's power was probably an accident which, when he discovered it, destroyed the Research Hospital and the entire staff, as well as all the little firestarters and Carries and tommyknockers that were housed at the facility with Little Werner.

Do not taunt the kid with the fucking huge contraption on his head!

Werner gives back better than he got because he's a fucking Count, bitches! He's in line to be king of Vlatava! It doesn't matter if you've never heard of it! What are you king of? Your fucking cock, that's what! Count Werner Vertigo is going places! And no institution can hold him, even if they made him what he is. He eventually kills his doctor (and probably everyone else) and escapes to reclaim his rightful place as the ruler of a shitty little country in Eastern Europe.

That was nine years ago that he reclaimed his homeland. And now he's back in America Canada to reclaim something else he'd thought he'd lost forever.

Bah. People and their petty attachments to nostalgia and family.

I don't get why people become so attached to other people! In love or hate! Geez! There are over six billion of us! Take your pick when you need a little companionship! Making any of them special is just cause for trouble. You know who wouldn't need a secret identity? Somebody with no friends or loved ones! And anyway, isn't that the DC Universe that Dan DiDio wants?! Who needs fucking love anyway?!

Not that I think Count Vertigo had his mother found because he needs a fucking hug. Oh no. I think he's got a little something else in mind here.

No, not sex, you filthy-minded asshole! Jesus. The minds on some of you people.

And then he fucks her.

No, no! He kills her! Because he's smart! He may be a gigantic asshole. But at least he knows that mothers aren't really worth all that Hallmark would have you believe.

Count Vertigo #1 Rating: While this issue was a well told story, I'm getting a little sick of seeing the fucked up lives of the Villains as children. Stop trying to humanize them! The reader is supposed to root for the hero! The Villain is supposed to be a cypher that just does evil for evil's sake. Building character?! Villains don't deserve character! They just deserve to be hated and reviled! But now every time I see Count Vertigo, every time I'm supposed to scowl and root for his defeat, all I'm going to be thinking is, "That bad ass bastard put his mother in the ground. Way to go, Werner!" Stop making me like the Villains so much, DC!

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