Sunday, September 15, 2013

Solomon Grundy #1

Now I can't stop thinking of Solomon Frye or Soliel Moon Grundy.

Was there ever a comic book like Brave and the Bold that teamed up Bizarro and Solomon Grundy? I can't imagine nobody has done it. I just have to get my hands on that comic book wherever it is.

Bizarro: "We not go rob bank later!"
Solomon Grundy: "Okay. We sit here."
Bizarro: "Exactly! Let us sit here all day and not go rob bank in a few minutes!"
Solomon Grundy: "Me cook tater tots."
Bizarro: "Yuck! Tater tots sound gross. Me angry you not making them!"
Solomon Grundy: "But me do cook them! Smell! Sniff air! Mmmm! Good!"
Bizarro: "Where you learn to talk? Harvard? Ha ha! Me not funny."
Solomon Grundy: "What we watch now?"
Bizarror: "Me favorite show to miss am Big Brother. Me not miss it enough."
Solomon Grundy: "You fucked up. Me leaving."
Bizarro: "Let door hit ass on way out! Take tater tots with you!
Solomon Grundy: "You big jerk!"
Bizarro: "Thank you! Me mean, fuck you! Wait. What I mean?"

I suppose I should get serious since this Earth 2 version of Solomon Grundy is super fucking serious. He's not longer some undead chump in a stolen suit that took his name from a nursery rhyme. No way! He's the fucking Avatar of the Grey and he's here to rot your fucking face off!

The issue begins with Solomon Grundy escaping prison.

His prison was the moon.

Green Lantern is going to have to think of a better place to store Solomon Grundy next time. He could pick Venus since I doubt Solomon Grundy has a powerful enough leap to reach escape velocity there. Although Green Lantern might have some trouble getting him to Venus since Alan Scott loses power the further he gets away from Earth. I wonder if Green Lantern can make a light rocket that could reach Venus? How long does Alan Scott's constructs last? Only while he's concentrating on them? Do they have a distance from the ring where they become untenable?

Since this is happening on Earth 2, Solomon Grundy had better watch out because the Crime Syndicate hasn't killed all the wonders here. Although Steppenwolf may have. Hmm. Whoops.

As Solomon Grundy wanders about the Midwest draining the life from whatever he finds, he remembers a time before he was the Avatar of the Gray, back when he worked in a slaughterhouse in Slaughter Swamp outside of Gotham City. He worked for a man that was using his power over the poor families in the swamp to rape his employees' wives. And one day, Solomon's wife couldn't bear it anymore.

This probably isn't Solomon Grundy's memory since I suspect that Solomon and Pinney's baby turns out to be the Avatar of the Grey after he's abandoned in the swamp.

Solomon fishes his wife out of the swamp while reciting his Solomon Grundy rhyme. When he gets to the part about dying on Saturday, he slaughters his boss and all of his co-workers. Because why not, right? They're probably just as horrible and ill-tempered as the boss.

Oh come on! I'm sure you're all a bunch of assholes too!

Solomon kills himself and slides into the swamp to die. But then he hears his baby cry and comes around. Because he can't bear seeing his child starve to death when he never comes home? No, no. Probably because he can't resist the sound of such a sweet and succulent little morsel.

In the "NOW" of DC Time, Solomon Grundy finds himself a city and begins rotting as many people as he can in the hopes of attracting the attention of Green Lantern. But not of whichever Wonder controls the Power of the Red, I guess. Would that be the Red Lantern in the Apokoliptian Fire Pit in Rio?

The military try to defeat him and seem successful after he blows to bits. Although the bits rot anything they touch, so that might not be a good idea next time. It would be worse than fields of land mines. Bits of squidgy Solomon Grundy flesh that people and animals might step on and instantaneously rot. Hmm, maybe it's equal to land mines.

After blowing up, Solomon Grundy just reforms from the ground outside of town. This blighter really needs an escort back to the moon in a hurry. He's pretty much unstoppable! But he's not quite as bad as Trigon, really. In fact, he brought a rapist to justice instead of raping an entire universe. So he's practically a good guy!

Solomon Grundy #1 Rating: This issue didn't have a whole lot of substance. It was basically a rhyme set to pictures. The pictures were nice to look at. Except for most of them were filled with death. So that was a downer. But what I really want to know is what happened to the baby?! Where is Baby Solomon?!

No comments:

Post a Comment