Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Mongul #1

It looks like Mongul is standing behind a headless, kicking creature.

Do you think Darkseid ever gets sad? I have a feeling he only has two emotions: triumph and anger. And even triumph is probably at least 49% anger.

I don't really have anything to say about Mongul the Big Yellow Space Tyrant so I decided to talk about Darkseid the Big Grey Space Tyrant. I did recently just read Mongul's exciting three part first appearance in DC Comics Presents which really wasn't very exciting so I'm not sure why I chose to call it exciting. Perhaps I'm trying to develop some interest in Mongul by tricking myself with all the right buzz words.

Remember when DC put out the Mad Magazine covers that one month for some reason? Something about an anniversary or some other thing I didn't give any fucks about? I think they should have done limited edition lenticular covers for this month as well. Except they should have been x-rated. I'm pretty sure I would have purchased at least two copies of this issue if Mongul were in this exact same pose but flapping his huge yellow penis from side to side. Maybe add a little space jizzum oozing out of the corner of Hal Jordan's mouth.

I should get a marketing job with DC. I'll sell fucking comic books! And none of my DCXXX covers will be available digitally! Plus every DCXXX issue will have a special secret panel that's also a tab of acid. Then collectors will have to buy two copies: one to save and one to drop. Of course, they'll eventually be bored and out of dosed sugar cubes and wind up dropping their collected issue as well. Which will force them to go out and buy another copy. Although the secondary market on DCXXX issues might not be very lucrative seeing as how they'd all be missing the same panel and probably be covered in sexy secretions. But fuck the secondary market anyway! If I were working for DC Marketing, my job would be how to get more people to buy new copies!

I suppose the DCXXX Acid Washed Limited Editions would probably be illegal, so we'd have to start small. Like including coupons for marijuana edibles in comics distributed to Colorado and Washington. I wonder if medial marijuana dispensaries, strip clubs, and sex shops are set up to receive direct market distribution of comic books?

Warworld!'s back!

Just by the name "Oblivoron Federation," I've suddenly become very worried about who is writing this issue. If I had to guess, I'd say it was Jim Starlin. I don't really know enough about Jim Starlin to be worried about his writing but picking the name "Oblivoron Federation" doesn't send any positivosis chemicals to my optimosmitron receptors in my happy glands.

Commander Pyri of the Oblivoron Federation is teleported aboard Warworld! where he finds two alien races battling to the death. And Lord Mongul presiding over the bloody ceremonies. Stupid Superman and his stupid cousin couldn't stop Mongul from taking over Warworld! in this universe? Such a shame. Now everybody in the universe is going to die.

Mongul is either a military idiot or he purposefully misunderstands other people so he can feel righteous in his anger and subsequent bullying.

Commander Pyri did not demand that Mongul surrender. He just suggested that Warworld! allow a company of inspectors to board since Warworld! looks kind of dangerous and it does happen to be trespassing in Oblivoron territory. He then followed up the request to board with the statement that if they're not allowed to board, it will be seen as an act of aggression. That doesn't sound like demanding surrender to me! It sounds like an offer of one-sided diplomacy with a heaping helping of ultimatum!

After purposefully misunderstanding Commander Pyri (or simply ignoring any fucking word he said so Mongul can just take control and steer the conversation toward subjects he's most articulate on, like death and Warworld!s), Lord Mongul gives Commander Pyri a tour of Warworld!'s facilities just like Commander Pyri wanted in the first place. Mongul acts like Pyri was ignorant to not evaluate Warworld!'s offensive and defensive capabilities. But that's what Commander Pyri was trying to assess in his first contact with Mongul!

This is why I hate having discussions with most people. They never actually engage in dialogue. They ignore for the sake of their own agenda. And then Mongul continues to display reasons I don't talk with people.

They always wind up trying to tell me about their childhood! Interrupting my childhood stories to them! Dicks.

That caption actually isn't his worst offense in the above panel. His belief that he discovered "undeniable truths" as a child and still, many, many, many years later, lives by them and believes in them. This pride in Foundational Thinking and Stability and Remaining Constant might be the worst feature anybody can ever be proud of. Like Mongul here, you just wind up living by aphorisms and statements thought up to defend your own selfish desires. "Only through overwhelming strength is one fit and destined to rule." I'm not going to argue that often bullies and ambitious assholes often take up the role as leader. But I will argue whether they are fit for the fucking job. "Force of will determines longevity of reign." Right, right. Because Queen Elizabeth II is such a hardass (I know, I know! She doesn't really wield any power! But neither does the president of the United States!). "Natural selection decrees leadership." No it doesn't! It decrees survival of a species in specific environments! Leadership has nothing to do with it!

Cave Fish: "Hey! Hey guys! I was born blind and guess what?! It doesn't matter! We live in the dark, assholes! Y'all are just expending wasted biological energy having those stupid working eyes! Quick! Follow me! We will advance to greatness!"
Other Cave Fish put out their eyes like Cornwall putting out Gloucester's vile jelly.

Speaking of "Out, Vile Jelly!", am I the only one to ever walk out of a production of King Lear because I thought it was an usher yelling at me? No? Am I the only one that thinks of himself as a vile jelly?

Boy, I'm only a couple pages into meeting Mongul and I wouldn't even spend enough time with him to finish the pitcher of beer he purchased for the table at a meet and greet during Powerful and Influential People in the Universe and on the Internet Con.

Everything Mongul Needs To Know He Learned While Watching Two Rats Fight by Lord Mongul. Available on Amazon and at barely surviving mortar and brick bookstores everywhere.

Right in the middle of reading this comic book, I got the urge to check the mail. I received a check in the mail with possibly the laziest signature I've ever seen. And I'm going to scan it because if you can steal this identity and signature from the following scan, you deserve your place in the criminal pantheon.

I believe this person's name is "Vcosinewavefunction Tail."

Child Mongul decides to smash his unborn baby brother's Gestation Orb because great leaders deal with threats with grim and resolve. While that may be true, paranoid delusionists deal treat everything as a probable threat which needs to be dealt with with grim and resolve. Lord Mongul might not be so much a great leader as a paranoid schizophrenic. Not that the two can't go hand in hand! I just suspect most people wouldn't be ticking the "great leader" box on a citizen review survey of Lord Mongul.

On second thought, I have a feeling they all would! Or else!

After Mongul shows Pyri his robots and blaster blasters, he takes him into his garden so he can see his Black Mercies. According to the Who's Who entry I read, these things can put a person in a coma while they dream super happy dreams which they never want to awaken from. Unless I'm remembering it all completely wrong since I read it just before falling asleep last night. And dreaming about Darkseid being sad.

Mongul has apparently created a second strain which induces dread and nightmares. Of course he would since that's a more modern thing. You can't expect someone to have the proper punishment if they're living out the last of their lives in bliss. Although, Lord Mongul, you'll have to admit that by changing their nature, the fucking name "Black Mercy" doesn't fucking mean anything anymore, you Goddamned illiterate twat. Where's the fucking mercy now? "Oh, thank you Lord Mongul for allowing my life to end in PURE FUCKING TERROR!"

And last, his prize, Warworld!

"Isn't she lovely? And so deadly. Her kiss is fifteen times more destructive than that of the Death Star. You see, her attack is highly harmonic, which is to say it attacks the fleet's power trains causing intense heat, profuse short-circuiting, difficulty in flight control, loss of pressure, violent explosions, and, finally, death."

After the armada, Mongul and Warworld! send Oblivoron's moon crashing down on the planet below, killing nearly everything. But not everything! Because Mongul needs more races for his Universal Battle Royale aboard Warworld! I hope Warworld! never meets up with Arena World! I mean, I hope they do! What a battle!

Mongul uses the survivors as guards, gladiators, janitors, and medical research. He then recycles the planet into fuel and resources to run Warworld! And then he proves what I said earlier.

See! The fucker purposefully misunderstood to justify his bullying!

Lord Mongul's final act is to rip the head off of Commander Pyri and add it to the ranks of other people that mouthed off and disrespected him. Because how dare anybody stand up for themselves when threatened? Seriously. When you're threatened, you should either back down and take it and become a living spittoon. Because if you say one word against the bully, you're giving them just cause to rip your fucking head off because how dare you speak that way to them for no good fucking reason, you motherfucking asshole. God. Some people.

Mongul #1 Rating: It gets a pretty good fucking rating, this one. I like Mongul as a villain. This shit works! He's a despicable, power-hungry, self-righteous, pushy believer of his own truths. Like a politician or an internet troll! So far he may be the best presented villain that didn't have some sympathetic bullshit happen to him as a child. Although I do sympathize with his feelings toward his unborn brother. Like his parents couldn't feel complete with just him? Fuck them!

Oh, and I should also clarify that it was indeed Jim Starlin that wrote this with Howard Porter doing the art. And I like it very much!

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