Superman #23

This looks like the cover to a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Or an Atari 2600 Cartridge.

Knowing DC's history of getting cover information wrong, I am not quite ready to throw a fucking Bacchanalia simply because Scott Lobdell's name isn't on the cover. I'm close! But I need title page confirmation first! And then, let the orgy commence!

I was wrong! I didn't need a title page to learn the truth! I now know it's true because the first page wasn't completely Lobdelled! And I haven't even read this page yet! Hallelujah!

I'm going to take credit for this abdication as well, okay? I think the last problem I need to solve is Nocenti on Catwoman. And seeing as how her last issue was co-plotted, maybe that's already taking care of itself as well!

Supergirl was a pretty good comic book when Mike Johnson was writing it, so I hope he continues just doing his thing. Although maybe if he could tighten up his plots a little bit, that would be great.

Let's begin this commentary in a really shitty didactic way by bringing up semantics and pseudo-philosophical bullshit. The Narrator says in that first Narration Box up there, "The great thing about being omnipresent is that you know everything. You can be at anytime, anyplace." Technically, you are ALWAYS at every time and every place. I suppose, if I don't want to be a total internet dick about it, the Narrator is speaking in a metaphorical kind of way about concentration and consciousness. Perhaps he's pointing out how you can sort of hyper-concentrate on one moment in time to truly enjoy it. Although, again speaking semantically, an Omniscient Being wouldn't need to do that. Hell, an Omniscient Being would have a shorter lifespan than any of us have! It would experience all time and space and everything in no time. Instantly. Quicker than instantly. And then what? It would be like the hugest and quickest orgasm of all time. Of all no time since it would begin and end without the concept of time even coming in to play! In comparison, we get to stroll casually through our desperately few decades and enjoy the scenery! Being omniscient and immortal isn't all it's cracked up to be, really.

It would be better to be semi-omniscient and semi-omnipresent! I think that's more the case of this Narrator. He is still subject to the flow of time but knows when and where everything will ever happen and can travel instantaneously to any of these points and observe or take part in them. Although, really, why bother? If you've already experienced what you're going to do when you head out the door for the day, why even bother heading out the door?

Currently the Narrator is observing the origin of The Psycho Pirate, one of The Twenty who made his very first appearance in The New 52 over in Superboy. A round of applause, please, for Psycho Pirate! He's such a flamboyant fop! I love him so much.

Maybe the Narrator is Oracle! Perhaps he's actually doing something for once!

But that was all four years ago! Now the Omnipresent Narrator (who was probably already saying these things while saying the other things four years ago) has some shit to say about Superman being covered in Metropolis's Pyschic Ejaculate, thanks to Queen Bee of H.I.V.E.

Wash that psychic semen deep into every pore, Superman!

It's a good thing the physical manifestation of psychic energy looks exactly like honey or else the whole Queen Bee/H.I.V.E schtick would be ridiculous! Speaking of H.I.V.E., the Narrator lets us in on some information previously held back by the less than omniscient Scott Lobdell who only created this New 52 version of them: H.I.V.E. is not only a secret organization bent on enslaving the minds of the entire world; it's also a social media site! Like!

Queen Bee tries to convince Superman that socialism is good for everyone but Superman has capitalism in his nutsack, so he's not fucking buying it! Free enterprise for everybody! Throw off the shackles of Government Honey and Worker Bee Psychic Health Care! Long live the 40 hour work week and, if you're lucky, two weeks of paid vacation! Yay for work! Yay for the system! Boo for tyrant Queen Bees who don't want us to think free thoughts because obviously individualism goes out the window at just the hint of psychic socialist programs!

Queen Bee is ruining everything with her dream of a socialist utopia. Thanks a lot, Obama.

That previous paragraph may have been a bit confusing because I was speaking out of both sides of my mouth, so to speak. It's also possible that Queen Bee's new world order is not a metaphor for socialist programs being forced on a capitalist society full of rugged individuals who are insulted that somebody would want to make their life easier. It could just be Queen Bee is an asshat and Superman doesn't like asshats.

This could be just a comic book and not social commentary. But you know what's great? Now that Scott Lobdell isn't writing it, I can actually believe there might be more to it whether there is or not!

Queen Bee, like every other character written by Scott Lobdell, believes that Superman revels in his power of the people. I know Mike Johnson is now writing her! But he's staying true to her roots!

It's a good thing the Narrator is along for the story so it can constantly explain everything to me or else I'd be completely lost. Psionics? What does that mean? Telekinesiwhat? Illusions? It's all so confusing! Even Superman can't cope because none of his powers work the way they should when everything he sees and hears is happening inside his head. He could be sitting in the tub for all he knows.

Eventually, Hector Hammond shows up. Which means, as I said last issue, Superman can now sit things out because all of this psychic shit is way out of his league. It's probably a good thing that Lois Lane has been infused with The Twenty's psychic powers so she can come to Superman's rescue.

Jim Shooter: "Why the fuck are there two Queen Bee heads in that last panel? Doesn't anybody remember what panel borders are for?! Readers are going to be confused by this nonsense!"

Queen Bee and Hammond begin using the citizens of Metropolis to battle each other. Superman is one of them until The Queen Bee rushes off to deal with Hector Hammond's body where he left it back at H.I.V.E. headquarters. And then Superman is free to save the day. Somehow. He needs to be a bit smarter than he actually is so he's probably going to go get Aquaman. Then once he gets Batman's phone number from Aquaman, Superman will get Batman to tell him how to save the city.

It's not that the Narrator isn't completely omniscient; it's just that he's quite apathetic as well.

Superman heads to H.I.V.E. Headquarters to defeat Hector Hammond and The Queen Bee but when he gets there, he finds Hector Hammond collapsed in a heap with a small head. And Hammond lets Superman know that The Queen Bee is dead. Because the Narrator has killed her and taken away Hammond's powers.

Surprise! This issue ends exactly like Superboy #23! No wonder Psycho Pirate claimed he was omnipresent!

Superman #23 Rating: No change. Can we just get new writers on all of Scott Lobdell's bullshit comics, throw out any plot with his taint on it, and just start over? It kind of feels like that's what's going on here. After all the stupid fucking bullshit buildup to H.I.V.E. and Hector Hammond taking over everything and ending the world, they suddenly get their asses kicked by Psycho Pirate. Deus Ex Fop much? Although since they're all part of The Twenty (I think they all are. Hector? I think. Maybe?), all of this battling between psychic assholes is still building toward Vril Dox coming to Earth and replacing all human minds with Coluan minds. Mostly the story has just been rambling bullshit going from whatever idea Lobdell could think up one month to whatever idea he could tack on to the story the next month. I wouldn't mind that kind of story if he didn't insist on telling a possible end of the world tale with every story. I also wouldn't mind if the characters were interesting enough to let the shitty plot take a backseat. Anyway, here's to hoping Lobdell is off Superman for good. Just...just...fuck that guy.