Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Batman Incorporated Special #1

Damian's dead and Batman is posing on the cover of a comic book with a leaping cow. Fucking disrespectful.

This issue had better end with Damian being resurrected or I'm going to go stand in Starbucks and shit my pants in front of everybody.

No wait! I'm not going to do that! Not again, anyway.

Oh, ha ha! The ease and majesty of "again" in the making of comedy! Thank you, Judd Winick of Real World: San Francisco for that comic advice. I wonder what ever became of you? Enh, I guess some things will always remain a mystery!

Batman begins the issue sitting down in the Batcave ignoring the smell of cow manure as he checks the Bat-computer's case files on members of Batman Incorporated. You know what they say! A control freak's work is never done. And it's certainly never done right if you leave it up to someone else! So it's time to check in on Jiru, the Batman of Japan! Jabatpanman!

Jiro is the best because his secret Batcave lies beneath his Hentai/Sex Toy shop in the Ginza.

What the kids are screaming about is a vending machine vended them a human hand instead of an ice cream cone. I don't know what they're complaining about. Human hands are worth way more than a stupid ice cream sandwich.

Wait. Are they going to investigate the organ harvester or have a ménage à trois?

Jiro and Canary's detectivating lead them to a Capsule Hotel where business men check in and check out weighing a few ounces lighter. For once, that wasn't a euphemism for masturbating! It was a euphemism for having an organ harvested!

Actually, the businessmen never check out at all. They're completely harvested and then the bodies are thrown in the bay. This place must have horrendous Yelp reviews.

I was actually hoping for a Batcow Monthly Series but I think Batman of Japan would kick some serious ass each month.

Seriously though. Batwing is boring the shit out of me and Batman of Japan is just languishing in some editor's desk drawer? At least change Batwing's title to Batman Incorporated and follow stories of the various Batmen around the world month to month. Or just start up a Batman of Japan comic book! The New 52 is currently something like five comics short!

The story ends with the capture of Doctor Inside-Out and about eighteen thousand puns. And poor Jiro still doesn't have a shrink ray!

The next case file stars Knight who used to be Squire but is now Knight because Knight was killed by Batthing!

Oh come on! Be funny!

Knight pouts about for a couple of pages because Batman Incorporated has disbanded and Knight is dead and little girls want autographs. But then Springheel Jack attacks and suddenly Knight is needed again! Because the only other heroes are a Mechanic and some guy that wears a Potato Sack on his head. Also Knight is letting everybody call her Squire so I guess she's still Squire even though Squire is a dumb name for a hero without a Knight.

Her ass is pretty fucking impressive though. If you ignore the extreme bifurcation.

Squire defeats Srpingheel Jack and comes to terms with her loss by taking on the name Knight (I was jumping the gun!) and fighting Dinosaur Droogs manning flying battleships. Seriously. Look for yourself!

I'm beginning to think every other member of Batman Incorporated would be more interesting than Batwing. Although he did recently fight a Lion God and Termite Men. Maybe I'm just being lured away by the newness of these characters! Sorry, Batwing, it looks like our relationship has simply lost its passion and run its course.

Hey DC? If the Wonder Woman movie is "too complicated" to make, how about making this one starring Knight and her battle with the Dinosaur Droogs?!

The next person Batman spies on is Raven Red and Man-of-Bats.

The Raven Red story is about Raven Red battling Coyote in the high girders of a half-finished building while remembering a moment speaking with an old man that seemed to be preparing to jump from the top of a casino. The old man worked building skyscrapers and his story makes me feel queasy and uneasy just thinking about the men that built those steel frames. I'm not afraid of heights but those films of men walking around the girders fifty stories or more in the sky just make my stomach fall out of my body. And the man's story and description is exceptionally well told in this short story.

Speaking of heights and not being afraid of them, a recurring dream I used to have just came to me (because of the feeling this story gave me? Possibly!). I grew up in the south bay of the San Francisco Bay Area and was familiar enough with the hills of San Francisco. When you're driving up a really steep hill, it feels like nothing is grounding you to the world and there's absolutely no reason that the car isn't flipping over backwards and sending you tumbling to your death. I used to have dreams about being a passenger in a car driving up these hills. We never flipped over in my dreams but these dreams may have been the most terrifying dreams I had as a child.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is it's a really nice and evocative story. It's the type of story that every back-up story should try to emulate. This what I absolutely crave in a short eight page back-up feature. Well done!

The next case file stars Nightrunner, El Gaucho, and Dark Ranger. I'm most familiar with El Gaucho because he had the most panel time in the Preboot Batman Incorporated.

These guys are hanging out in Buenos Aires dealing with a city gone mad from some kind of high frequency radio madness attack.

Worst radio station ever. And that's saying something!

While he may be the worst disc jockey I've ever seen (again, that's saying something!), he does have a way with words.

Aquaman would be a good nemesis for a villain that nobody has ever heard of!

They eventually save the day. Batwing would be glad to hear that I'm not exactly clamoring for a comic book starring these guys. Although that's mostly because I still really don't know much about them.

And finally we get to the star of he comic book: Batcow! I'm not going to say this story is worth the cover price because everybody who reads the comic book will then demand that I repay them for thinking this story was worth the cover price. But it does have some really nice Batcow images that I'll probably have to make at least one new Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea header out of.

Batman Incorporated Special #1 Rating: Just a taste of some stuff that DC had better realize needs to continue. Keep Batman Incorporated's Characters working!

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