Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Green Team #4

Big deal. It'll grow right back. And if it doesn't, she's rich enough to buy a new one.

Speaking of Ernest Hemingway, I've got a degree in literature and I've never read a single one of his books. I'm only interested in reading one of his books because I've never read one of his books. I was assigned A Farewell to Arms in one of my college classes but since the final essay was only going to require discussion of two out of three books, I skipped reading it because I'm an efficient motherfucker. I also missed reading a lot of standard books assigned in Junior High or High School because I was always in the Advanced Classes or the Classes Where All We Did Was Study Various Versions of Romeo and Juliet. I will hate you until the day I die, Mr. Souza! So while I was reading Samson Agonistes, everybody else was enjoying Where the Red Fern Grows and Animal Farm.

Okay, that's enough banter. I have a lot of comic books to get through before I can read Forever Evil! So hold on tight, bitches! I'm turning these commentaries up to whatever the metric of eleven is! Probably ten!

Don't worry if that didn't make any fucking sense. We don't have time to stop every few sentences and think, "Hunh? What the fuck?" Just go with it! Sheesh!

Last issue, J.P. and Commodore 64 unmasked Riot and were super shocked to discover he was...well, I don't know who the fuck he was because the comic book decided to go all anti-dramatic irony on me. What did I decide that was? Undramatic Irony? You know, where the characters learn something on-panel but the reader isn't privy to the revelation? I suppose I could call it bullshit as well but there are children reading this.

A lot of shit has happened between issues. On page two, they're already confronting Big Daddy Riot.

I'm going to be in Las Vegas in October and I'm going to try running around the casinos in this kind of get-up! Minus the gun! Although I have a feeling with or without the gun, I'd be in for a shitty evening.

Before a nice, leisurely conversation can begin, Cecilia flips the fuck out and begins throwing Blackjack tables. I can't say I'm surprised that talking didn't happen before violence. But I am surprised that Cecilia gets her arm ripped out right at the top of page four. Just like the cover! And over so quickly! That's impressive since most covers usually spoil the big surprise moment that comes at the end of the issue.

Pick your caption: "Like the way you were born was any better?" or "Mo's obviously not the brains of this team."

Mob Rule Riot simply wants Commodore 64's suit since he believes it should have been sold to him. Although I don't know why he'd want a stupid mecha-suit when he has his multiplying powers. Unless the suit can multiply as well! That might be the case since Riot's clones don't all pop out of him naked.

Commodore 64 is captured and dragged away while Riot's clones continue to battle Mo and J.P. and Cecilia and Abisha. That gives time for Big Daddy Riot to reveal his secret identity!

Surprise! He actually is Big Daddy!

The revelation that Riot is Commodore 64's daddy isn't as exciting as it would be if I knew more about these characters. But it is exciting since I believe that Daddy Issues make the world go around!

Even though it was established last issue that the suits would only work for the person who first uses them, J.P. is able to use Cecilia's disc (which was originally his!) to become the Gold Green Team Power Ranger. It might be because his DNA was inside of Cecilia when she used the disc and the disc is kind of confused. Or it could just be that editorial thought it would be weird to have the big macho guy in the Pink Power Ranger Suit. Let me state, for the record, that I disagree. Anyway, J.P. fries all the clones left to battle the Green Team.

Meanwhile Commodore 64 is taken to his father's Secret Lair in Nice, France, where he can reveal his nefarious plot like a good maniacal villain!

Oh man! I don't have an heir! That means I need to discover the secret of immortality too! And how am I going to help the world grow without providing an offspring with severe Daddy Issues!

Do I need to say "needless to say" before I say J.P. and Cecilia and Mo and J.P.'s sister whateverthefuckhernamewas show up just in time to save Commodore 64's life? They were led there by pieces of Cecilia's mangled arm! But they're just the distraction to help Commodore 64 end his Daddy Issue's once and for all.

Is this the Scientific Version of "from dust to dust"? "From sperm to sperm!"

My favorite part about this moment is how the father in the podcast "Kids on Comics" is going to have to discuss this with his ten year old. I listened to their podcast on Green Team #1 and the son seemed super excited to continue reading this comic book. Now he's going to wonder why a son killed his father. Hey, Kids on Comics Dad? Might I suggest an Ancient Greek Play you might want to talk to him about? Although he may be weird around your wife after that.

Oh Mo. You're still young! You'll learn!

My main Daddy Issue? I didn't give a fuck what that drunken sot thought. So I have no ambition and am a complete failure!

Green Team #4 Rating: No change. Cecilia's arm will be okay when somebody sticks another dick in her. Disc! I meant disc! Sheesh. I can't wait until they figure out why J.P's disc worked on both Cecilia and J.P.! My bet is on the sperms!

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