Sunday, September 1, 2013

Justice League #23

How did Aquaman beat The Flash to Pandora's Box? Fucking bullshit!

Last issue, The Purple People Leader lured Constantine and Batman and a bunch of other people into a room with Madame Xanadu and Pandora's Box. And then he revealed the truly horrible secret that he's been keeping from everybody: the Box is actually a portal! Holy Fuck! No way! That's...well, that's a minor turn of events, I guess. I suppose the doorway opens into his devastated Earth in his devastated dimension. And that dimension is...Villains Month! Or something. I don't know. You should really read the comic book because all you're going to get from me are penis and vagina jokes.

Like my reaction to the end of last issue: "I can't believe John Constantine cocked up Pandora's Box!"

This issue begins with the Purple People Leader telling everybody his origin. He just couldn't fucking resist, you know? He's been ready to burst for months and he finally has Batman and a bunch of other heroes all in a position where they're curious enough to listen to him blabber. And, of course, he begins at the beginning when he crossed worlds with The Joker's Daughter during Darkseid's attack. I'm just making a guess because if The Purple People Leader is Evil Alfred Pennyworth and his Master that he's trying to save is Evil Batman, then the woman that came with him is probably Evil Batgirl. And since Joker's Daughter has not been talked about anywhere except that stupid Channel 52 in the back of every comic, I'm guessing she's part of the Trinity War reveal. Although they've also put her in Gotham's Underground, so it might just be another one of Ann Nocenti's brilliant ideas.

Madness! I suppose Good is Evil and Evil is Good! And Up is Down and Down is Up! And Black is White and White is Black! And Inside is Outside and Outside is Inside! And Cocks are Pussies and Pussies are Cocks! But North is still North and South is still South, so that's kind of weird.

It turns out The Purple People Leader may just be dictating his story to himself which seems a bit of a waste. How are the heroes going to know what a huge genius he was? If he doesn't tell them, nobody else will! What a fool.

Every hero that has made an appearance in this book up until now gathers at the location that Pandora first found her Box. She knows this because fuck you.

Who's laughing at Spiderman's Spidey Sense now?! "Something's not right! My 'Vibe' Headache is pounding!"

And then suddenly everyone is corrupted! Except they're a bunch of stupid idiots who allow the corruption to turn to violence. Why doesn't the place turn into a sexual frenzy? Sure, it can end in some kind of Bacchanal frenzy where people begin ripping each others throats out with their teeth. But at least we'd get to see some ass, dong, and titties while it happened. Bah. It's just too much to ask for this bunch of prudes. Although I still think Batman and Catwoman might get in a bit of hardcore anal in the middle of it all. John Constantine is the only one not completely losing his mind because he lost his fucking soul years ago. He's immune to Charm Spells.

It's just another scrimmage for Pandora's Box for a few pages. Although by the time they get to the second double splash page, I notice Mera has made the party. Welcome to the Fun House, darling! While she and Wonder Woman punch each other in the tits, The Flash and Catwoman get up to some interesting games.

Foreplay or is The Flash just sandbagging this fight? Seriously. The Flash versus Catwoman? Barry, you're not even fucking trying.

And then it turns out Mera isn't actually here either. It's Martian Manhunter in disguise. Why as Mera? Well fuck, only one thing I can think of. He was trying to get some Aquadick.

Superman turns out to be a Super Jealous Bastard who thinks that Wonder Woman is cuckolding him with every single hero on Earth. While I have no evidence that this isn't true, I'm fairly certain Wonder Woman has been a bit too busy fighting Gods to be banging Batman and Steve Trevor on the side. And possibly Deadman. And both teenagers inside of Firestorm. And Martian Manhunter's "The Orifice Filler" form. And Cyborg with, not Cyborg. I don't think his penis survived and there's no way his father created a cyber cock for him. Although it could be like his face! Half flesh and half titanium.

For some reason, Pandora's Box goes silent and everybody has time to gather around Superman to find out why he's so sick. And that's when the Secret Society's mole decides to spill the beans instead of letting them wonder what the fuck was going on and silently slinking out the back door.

I bet she works for Aquaman! I fucking knew Aquaman was the mole! God, I hate him!

It's a good thing it was established early on during Despero's attack that telepathy is hard to do on tiny people. For, you know, reasons that are too super scientific and complicated for the general comic book reader to fathom. So that explains why Martian Manhunter never knew that The Atom was working for Aquaman. And Aquaman has his own telepathy, so he's pretty good at blocking other telepaths!

Except surprisingly, it isn't Aquaman she's working with! Clever, Geoff Johns. You make all the evidence point to Aquaman and then flip the script and make the other mole Cyborg! Who would have thought the two minorities on the team were the bad guys? I suppose the only thing that saved Simon Baz from being a traitor is people would have been upset at the terrorist caricature! I was so convinced that it was Aquaman because he's so fucking boring! And his powers are inane in almost every situation! Sure, sure. A bullet or two will just bounce right of his face. Big deal! He's still just a fish-talker! Yes, I said it! Fish-talker! The worst Atlantean racial slur somebody can invoke! He's just a fucking Swimmer! A no good Water Breather! A lousy Dolphin Fucker! He's just, oh, uh, Cyborg! Remember Cyborg? He's an inadvertent mole!

Oh God! I can't watch! Somebody tell me what happens to his penis!

Cyborg's robot half decides to shed the flesh and then names itself Grid. That just shows it's still being somewhat influenced by Victor Stone's football hero identity! Why else would it choose an ambiguous name like Grid?! Grid helps The Purple People Leader recover Pandora's Box which, he explains, is just another kind of Mother Box. And then he reveals that his homeworld was the birthplace of evil (which, of course, is good) and that he's actually a butler (which, of course, means he's a wealthy land owner). And all of these revelations are marred by just one typo! Nicely done, editors!

And then a figure walks through the portal:

I knew that Coral Fondler was behind it all! Although this one is so much cooler. This is one is all Peter David cool.

Too bad Evil Aquaman falls over dead in the next panel. But what do you expect? He was only Aquaman! Even if he was pure evil! He was still just Aquaman!

Who here has a feeling Ultraman and Owlman are next to step through that fucking portal? Everyone? Yeah? Okay then! Let's finish this!

And there they are in a big double page spread that I can't scan completely so I'll scan the next best thing!

Not Pictured: Stormfire Deathstorm.

Madame Xanadu is the worst. She didn't see these guys walking over in her vision? Just all sorts of chaos and destruction? Get a real job, jerk.

Turns out The Atom was the female that came over with Alfred the Purple People Leader and that she's fucking Johnny Quick. Not that she fucks him fast. That's just his last name. Quick. And Owlman is Thomas Wayne, the brother Batman doesn't quite want to believe in. I think his Earth Prime counterpart still exists in some kind of Owlman form over here in Scott Snyder's Batman too. I'm not sure why Power Ring has a butterfly on his chest. Perhaps it has to do with metamorphosis. Or maybe he commands the power of light silk. Superwoman has brought with her a prisoner in a hood. I suppose that must be Lex Luthor, the nicest, most philanthropic guy on Earth Three. Which makes him wicked evil. Or something. Charity is frowned upon on Earth Three so he's probably really charitable. He also probably doesn't molest small children. The pervert.

And that's it for the Trinity War as it leads into Forever Evil, just another fucking title I have to read. Although one I'm really looking forward to! Yay bad guys!

Justice League #23 Rating: +5 Ranking. Love the Crime Syndicate's appearance and the death of Aquaman even if it was only the Aquaman from Earth Three. I think Trinity War could have been told across just Justice League and Justice League of America. It really could have been a four issue mini-series and the magic guys didn't really need to play a part. Although I like having them along! Just saying the pacing seemed a bit extended merely to fit in all three titles across both months.

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