Sunday, September 8, 2013

The Creeper! (as seen in Katana)

Alter Ego: Jack Ryder
Occupation: Investigative Reporter
Marital Status: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Boston, Mass.
First Appearance: SHOWCASE #73
Height:6'0" Weight: 194 lbs.
Eyes: Blue (as Creeper: Black)
Hair: Black (as Creeper: Green)

Fired as host of a local TV talk show, Jack Ryder took a job as a network security investigator [What the fuck does that mean?] and found himself assigned to protect professor Emil Yatz [Network security investigators offer bodyguard services? I'm just asking! I have no idea what Jack Ryder fucking does!], a Russian defector being sought by Soviet agents who intended to kidnap the Professor and return him behind the Iron Curtain [Holy fuck! Remember when we lived in a world with an Iron Curtain?!].

In order to infiltrate a costume party where the kidnappers were rumored to be gathering [All of them dressed as the ass end of a horse costume.], Jack threw together a makeshift outfit from old odds and ends, including yellow makeup and a shaggy sheepskin rug. Thus clad, Jack was able to discover that the Professor was being held prisoner at the party, but while attempting to free Yatz, Jack was critically stabbed [A natural 20?] and taken prisoner as well.

Yatz had in his possession two discoveries which represented his life's work and which he could not bear to let fall into this enemies' hands [Two items to show his life's work? That's one ambitious motherfucker. The only thing anybody would get from my life's work falling into the wrong hands is a really amazing grip for masturbation. Seriously. It's stunning!]. One discovery was a serum that served as an instant healing aid. Designed to provide greater strength and stamina, Yatz used the serum to treat Jack's wound. The other discovery was a device capable of rearranging the molecular structure of matter, making it weightless and invisible [Imagine if he spilled the second discovery on his first discovery! D'oh!] This disc-like device Yatz implanted in Jack's wound, which completely healed moments later as a result of the serum [Gross. And malpractice.]. Pressing the activator for the device, Jack found that his costume had become invisible. Tapping the activator again, Jack's costume reappeared, even as a stray bullet killed Professor Yatz [Now, I'm a Writer with a capital "W", so you'd think I'd be able to figure out just exactly why that last sentence is so fucking funny.].

Using his newfound power to overcome his foes [His power to make his clothes disappear? That would probably only overcome me if I were particularly horny when he encountered me. But then he just might get a glimpse of my life's work!], Jack realized his bizarre appearance gave him an edge over his opponents and decided to play the role of madman to the hilt.

Laughing insanely and speaking like an otherworldly creature, Jack defeated the terrified kidnappers [Really? They're at a costume party and they're terrified of a man in a costume? Worst fucking Russian hitmen ever. EVER!], earning the name The Creeper in the process [Because he kept standing around yelling, "Look at me! Naked! Now not naked! Now naked! Now not naked!"?].

Over the next months, as Jack was pursued by both the Police [Understandable.] and the underworld, his career as The Creeper suffered various ups and downs. He even went temporarily insane at one point as a result of the Professor's serum [Not to mention the gigantic fucking disc that was shoved inside of him.]. Cured of his insanity with the aid of the Batman (see Batman [Just in case you don't know who the fuck that is, asshole.]), Jack ultimately moved from Gotham City to Boston, where he now works as an investigative reporter while continuing his war against crime as The Creeper. [Look at that. They couldn't even pretend that last statement was exciting enough for an exclamation point. How come there isn't a piece of punctuation used for the end of really disappointing statements? The Unimpressive Point?]

An Olympic-level athlete and brawling hand-to-hand combatant, The Creeper has devised a leaping, capering, singular style of battle designed to cover his comparative inexperience. Couple with a maniacal laugh, this freeform combat style has made The Creeper a most formidable foe [Fuck I'd love to see a UFC contender who used laughter as part of his attack.]. As a result of Professor Yatz's serum, The Creeper has amazing recuperative powers, as well as extraordinary strength and stamina.

The molecular transducer implanted in his side enables Jack to transform himself into the Creeper [You forgot to capitalize the "the", assholes!] and back to Jack Ryder again almost instantaneously. As The Creeper, his costume remains on his body, invisible and virtually weightless [Don't you mean as Jack Ryder? Idiots.].

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