Ventriloquist #1

Great. How many image tags am I going to screw up typing "ventriloquist"?!

I was going to do a Who's Who entry on Scarface before reading this one but then I felt that was a bit occupationist to group them together when all they have in common is making dolls talk without moving their lips. Scarface is just a gangster bullying the man with his hand up his ass. He's only creepy because he's a ventriloquist's dummy. But Ferdie's least creepy feature is that he's a ventriloquist's dummy. His most creepy feature is that he acts like one of those guys that has to turn every thing anybody says into some kind of sexual innuendo. Fuck, I hate those guys. My dad is one of those guys! You're not being witty just because you can make a woman uncomfortable by pointing out how much you'd like to bang her after every thing she says.

Female: "I love the way these pants fit but they're so difficult to get into some days."
Creepy Guy: "I bet I can get into those pants easily enough!"
Female: "Ugh. I had such a hard day at work today."
Creepy Guy: "I don't find it work to get hard for you!"
Female: "Yeah. Great. You do know I'm about to call the police?"
Creepy Guy: "Po-lice let me bang you!"

Ferdie's chat up lines all seem fake and creepy in another way as well because I'm fairly certain Ferdie is a closeted homosexual ventriloquist's dummy. He's just trying so hard to be macho in that way men don't actually act macho. Well, except for those really fucking creepy ones. Like my dad and Mickey Rourke.

The real creep factor lies with Shauna though. She's some kind of Carrie mixed with the girl in the well from Ringu and every cast member of every episode of Big Brother. That last bit is the creepiest part of her personality.

Currently everything in Gotham is truly fucked up. Batman disappears and things just fall apart. In my mind, that's no city. That's daycare. The entire city should be knocked down if they can't even keep it together when Batman goes away for a few hours. While all the chaos rages on outside, Shauna and Ferdie have set up shop in an old theater. They're giving away food, the building has heat and light, and the Ventriloquist is planning on giving a "gasser" of a show. Hey, Ferdie! Stop being ominous! But first, they have an interview to explain Shauna's origin! Other than the Byrthday Party where she was teased relentlessly which led to her poisoning all of the other children and stealing the entertainment's Ferdie puppet.

I hate to judge people on their appearances but since Ferdie is a puppet and not a people, I'll engage in some idle speculation based on that well-moussed hair and sharp suit: he's gay. Although, really, I'm also basing that on his trying too hard to show that he's sexually attracted to the woman continuously fisting him.

Shauna begins her story at the beginning. Not as "at the beginning" as Tristram Shandy begins his story. But at her birth, anyway. That's close enough to the beginning for a Teen Rated comic book. Wouldn't want those teen boys and girls learning how to make a baby! Just imagine if they knew making a baby happened when a penis released its seed into a vagina! They might actually stop doing that! Anyway, the important thing was that Shauna was not born alone; she had a twin brother!

Twin is just the technical word for two babies born at the same time because apparently these two were anything but twins.

What the hell? She looks cute! She must be suffering from some Japanese Video Virus Curse or something that doesn't affect readers. She was also adorable at the byrthday party where she found Ferdie.

While Shauna's brother received all the recognition and became an annoying child actor, she went on to become a brilliant child murderer!

I wish I had the secret power to push children in front of cars move things with my mind!

Eventually Shauna's brother dies in a tragic swing set accident that couldn't be helped by anybody. It's just one of those things! And it's why swing sets should be built on that weird green foam rubber crap that was probably carcinogenic which is why they moved to bark or sand or, mostly, just parks without swings. When was the last time a park had a see-saw? And yet whenever there is a park nearby, the street sign for playground is two kids on a see-saw! How soon before those are completely recognizable by everybody going to the park? "Why the fuck is that the sign for playground? What the fuck is it?"

Meanwhile some Gotham Street Gang called The Crime Alley Cretins (because one of them had a thesaurus when they came up with the name) have heard about Shauna's gig. Mostly they heard how it had free food. Mostly mostly they heard that women were attending. And one day without Batman in Gotham City makes it feel like the end of the world has come and you've got to always be on the look out for keeping the human race going when the apocalypse hits.

Just before the show starts, Shauna nears the end of her origin story.

Continuity error! That sign read "Byrthday Party" in Batgirl!

Gotham City has the most dangerous playgrounds in the world! Swings over concrete AND see-saws?! Death trap! Why doesn't Batman put a stop to this nonsense?

So Shauna tells the story about how Rainbow Rodney gave her his Ventriloguist dummy because he saw how it would help her through all of her future troubles. Then she named it Ferdie after her brother and it immediately began to try to fuck her.

Goddammit, Gail Simone! Did you just brainstorm "all creepy things" and instill them in this character?

Gail Simone: "What would really creep people out? Incest!"
RocketSpouse: "Penises caught in hot tubs!"
Gail Simone: "Umm, thanks honey, but maybe not that. Oh! Japanese horror movies!"
RocketSpouse: "Pistachio ice cream!"
Gail Simone: "Yeah, I'll try to work that in. How about Ventriloquist dummies?"
RocketSpouse: "Oh yeah! That's why you're the writer! I was going to say kittens!"
Gail Simone: "Women in bra-less slips!"
RocketSpouse: "Scott Lobdell's MSN Messenger messages!"
Gail Simone: "Yeah but I don't know how I can incorporate that into the script, dear."

I forgot to add her ability at telekinesis into the creepy things!

Don't Batman and Batgirl have a responsibility to brief the police on the criminals they're taking into custody before they simply disappear when everybody turns their backs? I'm kind of close to blaming these police deaths on Batgirl!

Finally Shauna and Ferdie head up on stage and begin their act filled with lots and lots of Ventriloquist Dummy fucking things innuendo. It would kill if the audience was the normal Gotham populace. But since it's only people trying to find a place to survive, the entire act is really fucking creepy.

To be fair to Shauna, this is the normal audience reaction to every ventriloquist act. Seriously. How the fuck did that Terry guy win America's Got Talent doing this shit?

You know what? The black father in the audience? Wasn't he somebody's psychiatrist somewhere? In Detective Comics or something? The Evil Dentist? He looks familiar!

Oooh! Ooooh! Where is her right hand?! I hope it's...oh. That's the one that's up his bum. Never mind. Also, I guess the "K" sound is really hard to pronounce as a Ventriloquist!

Midway through the Ventriloquist's act, The Crime Alley Cretins break into the theater and interrupt the show! Good thing Ferdie knows how to put up a fight.

I was once accused of heckling once but the guy was an idiot. Like most people who heap hate onto someone or something simply because they got the wrong vibe or message or misinterpreted something at first glance. I'm looking at you, Tumblr.

So my friend Bobby Henline was blown up in Iraq a few years ago. Since he was really upbeat and inspiring in his attitude toward losing an arm and an eylid and his hair and a bunch of tattoos and a whole lot of skin, his counselor encouraged him to try stand-up. The first time he did stand-up was at The Laugh Factory or one of those places down on Melrose or wherever in Los Angeles (what am I? Google Maps?) while he was in Southern California getting some surgery consults. I flew down to visit him at the time and went with him to his first stand-up gig at an open mic amateur stand-up thing. Being that the audience really just consisted of me and Bob's nurse and a friend of Bob's nurse (maybe less than half a dozen other patrons but we sat close to the stage), the Emcee kept asking me questions about where I lived or what I thought of a comedian and whatnot. So I wasn't yelling out my opinion of anybody! I was being asked in-between sets! But Bob went up and told his jokes and he was pretty good. Now, before we went out, we had some whisky shots and he said if he was bombing, he was going to do his rap, "The Constipated Rapper." I said to him: "No. Do not do that. Under no circumstances should you do that!" But after he was done with his fairly successful set, he did Constipated Rapper as he walked off stage. Now, I'm not going to repeat the Constipated Rapper even though I know it by heart. I don't want to steal his material, no matter how bad it is. Remember, Bob was missing an arm and his entire head was burned so that he looked somewhat like Sloth from The Goonies. So he had the audience's sympathy, if anything. As he walked off and finished his rap, the Emcee said, "Bob, they haven't rapped like that for twenty years." After which I yelled out, "That's when he wrote it!" Because it was true. Bob wrote it in high school. That was twenty years ago at the time. But the other comics that were there made this weird negative sound that, in retrospect, sounded like twenty people saying, "Can you believe that cunt?" So one of the stand-ups came up later and simply berated me for his three minutes and wishing that I would get cancer. And I just laughed and laughed and laughed because he perceived the whole experience incorrectly and then decided to steal a Howard Stern move and wish cancer on me. Fuck you, you dumb-ass son of a bitch! I have no sympathy for people who decide to treat other people like assholes after they misinterpret a situation. I'm looking at you, Tumblr.

One of my favorite posts today was Neil Gaiman posting how he didn't want to answer a Doctor Who question because of the shitty reaction he got answering the previous one about whether the 13th Doctor should have been a woman or not. A moment where I defended him because, hey Tumblr: Stop attacking your fucking allies. Even if you think you can look righteous and smart and wise in the moment. It just hurts the entire cause, dickfaces.

Holy shit. I love Ferdie almost as much as I love Alysia. Oh! Power couple!

The issue ends with Ferdie killing all the Cretins and Shauna applying Ventriloguist Dummy Make-up to all the innocent guests she poisoned so they wouldn't heckle her during her terrible act. And it is terrible. Terrible in that way that is incredibly funny. I suppose that's why people go into ventriloquism. Because they know they don't need great material. You just tell old jokes that everybody sort of know but are funny anyway. And they're especially funny when a little dumby is telling them! And funnier when a homicidal dumby is telling them!

Ventriloquist #1 Rating: Rank #10 out of 52. So far, I've enjoyed this one the most after Cyborg Superman. I think it's because Shauna is just completely sweet and adorable as a child. I might have a differing opinion on what is sweet and adorable. Anyway, she's my kind of girl. And Ferdie could be my best friend.