Thursday, September 12, 2013

Bizarro #1

"Bizarro orgasm out of eyes like normal heterosexual man!"

My love for Bizarro began with the Super Friends versus the Legion of Doom cartoons. He was dopey and wacky and irreverent. But most of all, he was just misunderstood. Seriously, who could understand that fucker? Sometimes he'd say, "Me not like beauty!" because the Bizarros of Bizarro world based their life on celebrating the ugly. But then sometimes somebody would get a hold of him and make his character say things like, "Me love beauty!" But that meant that he hated beauty because he was speaking in opposite Bizarro speak. But that just made every conversation with him fucking confusing because you'd think he loved beauty in that first quote I wrote! So I don't blame anybody for misunderstanding this jerk. He wasn't evil; he just perceived reality differently than we did.

But it would really have fucking helped if he could decide how is Bizarroness expressed itself from appearance to appearance!

I'm not even sure where Bizarro has come from in The New 52. I suppose that's what this issue is for since he hasn't been seen anywhere else. Although Superboy did just run into another version of Superboy over in Superboy. But that Superboy looked normal. I hope this Bizarro isn't the Harvest son clone that was tossed into a dumpster way back in the Pre-Issue #1 Superboy storyline. I really hope this Bizarro was created as wackily as the old Preboot Bizarro!

This story begins in the pages of Action Comics when Superman broke free from captivity while being held by Lex Luthor. That was when Lex Luthor thought that Superman's real shape was a deformed calf? Yeah, what an idiot. During Superman's escape, he managed to spit blood all over Lex Luthor's nice suit. Which is really all Luthor wanted. Although if you want a DNA sample from a man whose skin you can't pierce with a needle, there's always a better way! You know, a mouth swab.

Luthor's dream was to create a super hero that could go toe to toe with Superman but would also be his willing slave. Lex Luthor always wants so much.

Lex Luthor has a small prick.

That was obvious and immature of me. And I'm usually so mature! This whole Bizarro thing must be getting to me. Instead of writing intelligent, insightful, mature musings on the nature of Bizarro and how his flaws and his outlook make him truly the most tragic character in DC Comics, I'm making tiny dick jokes. It's so unlike me! I'm a bit ashamed! I'll try harder to be more academic.

Lex Luthor's test subject becomes ravenous after being subjected to Luthor's prick. His muscles engorge, his skin turns chalky white, and breaks free from his restraints. And it won't listen to a word Luthor says. Why should it? It got what it wanted. Now it just wants to go home to its own bed.

"Me hate the D! Me get enough of it! Me not want more at all! Me want long, loving relationship! Me love Lex Luthor!"

The creature rampages through Lex's laboratory but Luthor has some safety measures! Like a Kryptonite gun that doesn't work on it. And some Super-heated Plasma Lexbots which fail to stop Bizarro. Not to mention (although mentioning them so that's a stupid beginning to any sentence ever) the Quantum Tunneling Apokolips Swinehunds. You might think those would stand a chance but they're worse than Lexbots. Lex Luthor simply has one chance left.

Oh. Well fuck. I was going to say his connection in the marines.

Luckily for Lex Luthor, his penis caused all the trouble and his penis finishes it as well.

I knew it would end this way! Believe me. I've been here.

Lex Luthor decides he humans just can't handle Kryptonian DNA. That's what everyone has been telling Lois Lane for years! But now Lex Luthor has proven it! So he abandons his hybrid experiment and begins cloning a new hero from pure Kryptonian DNA. It's a sad little thing growing in test tube B-0. That's not an emoticon! But it is Bizarro! Apparently he'll be making his appearance in Forever Evil!

Bizarro #1 Rating: Me not like at all! Pure crap! Bottom ten in rankings! Which mean it actually pretty good! Unless me just confused. What me know? Me rank at #8 because me think it tell pretty good story about Bizarro. Plus me think it maybe explain scars on Lex Luthor's face! That worth the read alone!

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