Sunday, April 15, 2012

Static Shock #7

Hopefully this issue will be comprehensible.

Last issue, the most interesting thing about this comic (the cloned sisters) was resolved. Sharon Two saw Static treat his clone with respect and trust and so she decided to treat Sharon One the same way. So she took her middle name as her first name, Cassandra. And everybody lived happily ever after.
Except me! That was stupid bullshit! But I can't blame the writer, Scott McDaniel. At least not completely. Some blame has to go to DC for cutting the book short and ruining McDaniel's story arc. But that's all behind us now! Two more issues that don't have to worry about anything but completing themselves within one issue. Or something. That sentence was stupid.

I think that might be wrong.

This issue begins with Static flying around blasting things and dodging missiles while thinking about how he's been doing this for two years and how people in the country have sex with farm animals. I'm not sure how that fits in but it could make for an exciting story arc!

Static finds himself battling two war droids. I just mistyped Static's name in that last sentence (but then corrected it so bad ass you'll never know I fucked up in the first place! (except that I'm telling you now)) and typed 'Stasis'. That should be his nemesis. And it should be a cute chick in his class named Stacy S. Hybernate. She would be a fat mathlete with acne and braces and greasy pig tails and she'd develop a huge crush on Static. She'd plan out he beginnings of crime sprees that would never actually develop past the point where Static arrives and then she'd flirt with him as he tried to put her down. And she'd talk about how they have so much in common because static refers to something being stationary or fixed and how something in stasis is static and maybe Stasis could get a little Static in her!

I decided to draw her. STASIS! Oh! And she has a lisp! So she calls herself, "STATHITH!"

Back to this comic book which isn't anywhere near as good as the comic book in my head, the story goes back in time 68 minutes so that the reader can see how Static ended up fighting two War Droids. You know what I would have liked? I would have liked the story to just start 68 minutes ago and we'll get to the androids when we get to the fucking androids. You got that new writer Marc? Stop trying to be all Epic Poemy and shit. You suck at it.

Static's shirt is imaginary! Ha ha!

Virgil and his sisters are headed to Star labs because his sisters need to know which one is the real sister. I'm sure they'll find out that there's no way to actually tell because the cloning process duplicated the cells exactly and they'll be exact exact duplicates. Then they'll just have to hold some kind of contest. Like maybe a kissing contest. With each other!

Once in the lab, Doctor Lewis, some STAR Labs hotshot asshole, spoils Teen Titans #6 for me! What a fucking douchebag. Hey, Doctor! I hope you're a surgeon because you're going to have to remove my foot from your ass in a second! Ha ha! Oh, the old jokes are the best!

Oh man that sounds so fucking hot!

Before the test can get started, the War Droids attack STAR labs! Virgil heads into the hall and changes into Static so he can go bust their metal asses. Back in Doctor Lewis's lab, the Quantum Entanglement Spectrometer collapses and almost kills the Sharons. And it collapsed before we could see them entangled! No fair.

Static confronts the War Droids because he still doesn't know why they're attacking.

Aha! I see the problem.

Static's electricity doesn't work just like it hasn't worked before. So instead, he uses his electricity to turn the robots into electromagnets. Which he's done before. Come on, Static! Get a new schtick! Oh! Oh! Schtick should be another character in the new Static Shock series featuring Stasis! Schtick could be Static's pre-school sidekick! His power will be the ability to fill a room with a smoke screen and every time he uses his power, he'll yell, "I'M SMOKIN'!" and he'll fake like he's smoking a cigarette! I'm not going to draw him.

After the robots collapse, Static checks out their internal logs and finds they were programmed to go apeshit crazy. So he does some more smart guy stuff and locates the mystery person who has infiltrated STAR labs to cause trouble. While he's hunting for this guy, Vanessa, the chick back home he has a huge hard-on for, calls him up.

Probably because you're a giant pussy who also got his start on a children's television show!

The mystery guy turns out to be a villain named PHAYZE! He's stealing stuff from STAR labs and can go through walls and shit. He subtitles himself the Master of Density! And since Static can't stop him normally, he super charges Phayze's molecular bonds so that they stay nice and tight and Phayze can't get through the walls anymore. Nice one! And I won't even try to deconstruct how stupid it is!

Turns out the guy was stealing an invention that combines hydrogen and oxygen from the air to create fresh water. Sounds great except for that part about Hydrogen not really being abundant down where the stupid thing will be set up to make water. But he's stealing it for a country that desperately needs water so Static contacts Hardware, makes sure Hardware has another one (because Hardware made it!), and lets the guy leave with it. That's something Superman would do!

The sisters never get their testing done but they don't actually need it anymore. When the equipment fell on them, one sister reacted and saved the other. That was all the proof they needed to know that they were different. And that's all they needed to continue with their sham doppleganger lives!

Also, it turns out Virgil did tell Cassandra (Sharon Two) that he is Static. So she was just pretending along with him at the dinner table last issue. But Static doesn't feel comfortable telling his other sister! I guess Static treating them like two separate people also helps make the sisters different as well. Although only one of them knows about that!

Static Shock Issue #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic was much, much better. It really works nicely without all the clutter that it's been dragging around with it for a few issues. I'm glad that syndicate is gone and all the crap that came with it. I think sometimes an author just wants to go for broke and throw as much as he can into the mix. But in a 20 page comic that comes out monthly, I think all it can do is overwhelm the reader and clutter up the good parts of the storyline.

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