Legion Lost #8

How many Ravagers are there? Do all of Deathstroke's children become Ravagers? I mean all of them except that pussy Jericho? Amirite?

When we last left the exciting land of Legion Lost, Tellus had a secret and he was told to "keep his eyes on the road" so that he "doesn't swerve and hit a tree" and to "save the world with his secret" and "maybe not all of my quotes are exact or even actually close." Timber Wolf had earned a shit-ton of money (that's a recognized unit of measure in Portland, OR) by illegal means. But since the people he stole the money from earned it by doing something illegal, I think that makes him a hero. Like Omar Little from The Wire!

But forget all of that for now! Because we've entered Cross-over Country! Time for the DC Editors to butt into the creative teams businesses and tell them what kind of story they're going to tell for the next few months! This crossover is called The Culling!

Urban Dictionary (my go to dictionary for all the straight dope facts, BOI!) defines Culling as "...the process of seasonally removing friends from a group based on specific criteria. This is done either to reinforce certain desirable characteristics, such as werewolfism (the term for having fun drunken alter egos), or to remove certain undesirable characteristics, such as snailism (the term for excessively hanging around when no one wants you there). The process of culling usually involves large amounts of salt." That probably means that Dawnstar is going to get salted because she's no fun and probably never gets drunk. Skitter will probably bite the dust over in Teen Titans because she's no fun and no use and no help and she's disgusting too!

Actually, I don't really think anybody in Legion is going to be culled. I take it The Ravagers are doing the culling. I sure hope somebody gets culled! And by that I mean killed and not having someone unfollow their Tumblr account.

I wonder how many secret bases are in Antarctica? How many under the sea? How many satellites in Earth Orbit? How many on the far side of the moon?

The men from N.O.W.H.E.R.E. have heard reports of the wolf man that robbed the drug dealers in New York. The description matches the description of the wolf man who escaped a military facility in Wisconsin. The description matches because both of these accounts were about Timber Wolf! And now they want him and his super group! The men from NOWHERE probably want to eradicate abnormality wherever they find it. Unless they've changed their mission statement from the Doom Patrol days.

The agent NOWHERE is sending to New York with his team is named Psykill. Get it? It's both PSYCHO and KILL in the SAME NAME! That means he's crazy and he'll kill you! He's also big and armored. Being a new villain, he'll probably kick some major ass through a majority of the cross-over.

Back in New York, Timber Wolf has returned with his ill-gotten gains.

It seems Tyroc is a jerk.

Tyroc, the self-proclaimed insecure leader, apparently has enough confidence in his lame sound powers to attack his friend and teammate, Timber Wolf, when he finds out Timber Wolf stole from "the primitives." Because having Tellus rape the primitives' minds daily by forcing them to give the Legion members free food and lodging is much better. Timber Wolf sides with me and decides he's going to rip Tyroc's face off for attacking him. And it would be justified!

I don't understand why writers feel the need to have super heroes in groups use their super powers against each other when they disagree. How is it ever acceptable? I expect Timber Wolf to not forgive Tyroc for this. Man, Tyroc is such a huge asshole.

Dawnstar and Tellus break up the fight and Timber Wolf storms out. This gives Dawnstar the opportunity to get mad at Wildfire again because he didn't take her side immediately. She pulled this last issue as well so I guess Tom DeFalco really wants to set them up for some break-up drama. Because I think they're in a relationship? Or whatever kind of intimacy can be had between a flying humanoid and a ball of negative energy encased within a suit of armor.

Once Timber Wolf gets outside, he's attacked by Psykill and Rose Wilson, The Ravager!

Ohhhh but you said we were gonna do some culling!

Tyroc suddenly realizes he should apologize to Timber Wolf and decides that they should probably talk out their problems. You think? It's easy to say that now after you already got in a cheap shot on Timber Wolf!

Surprise! Though bubbles that aren't telepathic! Bigger surprise! Fabian Nicieza's original plot to Legion Lost just got formally trashed by DeFalco!

Chameleon Girl wanders off to think about the REAL REASON they came back in time! Fuck Nicieza's reason! That plot was boring and thought up by a writer that isn't currently writing this book! You know, maybe Alastor will just gradually disappear completely from this book, leaving all the readers to wonder what the fuck the whole Hypertaxis Virus episode was even about! Way to fuck up the flow of the book by just trashing everything you don't want to bother with, DeFalco. What a lazy asshole.

Once out in the hall and all alone, Chameleon Boy Girl is accosted by a fake Colossal Boy. She used to date him (I guess?). But she doesn't realize he's a fake until he throws the first punch. She says that Colossal Boy never throws the first punch. What kind of relationship did they have?!

So, Miss Belief, does that mean you won't be my captor today? Or you'll definitely and truly be my captor today? I'm fucking confused.

Tyroc, walking down a separate hotel corridor, also manages to create some thought bubbles despite the editorial leadership at DC!

Of course you had a problem with Timber Wolf! You fucking attacked him, you arrogant prick!

Oh God. So Tyroc continues his thoughts and thinks, "I shouldn't allow the prophecy to--NO! I promised myself I wouldn't even think about that...." So Tellus has a big secret. And Chameleon Girl has a big secret REAL mission. And Tyroc has a big bad prophecy he's not thinking about or discussing with anyone. I'm sure the others have some secret that they won't share with the reader but they'll try to tantalize them into drooling curiosity. I'm more curious about what it's like to fuck a dead dog than I am about this stupid sudden mention of some Chaosdamned prophecy. I hope half of this team gets culled!

Tyroc is then smashed into a wall by someone named Windstorm. And then Wildfire is knocked through a half-dozen walls and into the open air by Psykill. And then Ridge, Crush, and Hammerfist bust through the wall and attack Gates, Tellus, and Dawnstar.

Wait, wait! I've got a better one: "We heard you like tuna fish sandwiches with pickles and feta cheese! Well, let's see how much you like THIS!" And then he, you know, punches her! No? Still awful? But guess which one of us was paid to think up our line! Yeah.

I'm sorry I ranked Legion Lost so low under Fabian Nicieza. Because even if I wasn't very interested in the group, it wasn't anywhere close to this bad! Tom DeFalco is going to write this comic into the basement! I'm guessing Green Arrow and Legion Lost will be exchanging places fairly soon.

The fight and the, open finger quotes, banter, close finger quotes, continues.

Hey! Watch who you're calling a freak, you walking marshmallow!

Make that "superior of my skills"?

The battle rages on for a bit until Psykill releases a wave of psychic energy that knocks everyone unconscious in a 3 block diameter. Except his teammates, of course, who activated their 'psi-shields'! The Ravagers pick up the unconscious Legion members and leave the city, headed for The Teen Titans Annual #1. The only evidence they left behind was a picture of Rose Wilson taken by Oz on his phone.

Legion Lost Issue #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. Overall, the comic is just going downhill. And it was starting in a valley at the bottom of the hill! The writing is that horrible comic book banter I can't stand. Friends attacking friends for no reason. Now if Timber Wolf had attacked first perhaps I could buy that. But apparently the insecure team leader decided to attack the wildest member. Bad leadership. And DeFalco throwing out all of the plots that came before his stint as writer. Lazy and lame.