OMAC #6

Sweet Leilani looks a bit like Blackfire, Starfire's sister.

This episode of OMAC is called "One More Amorous Conflict"! Look at that poor exclamation point all alone outside the quotation marks. Awww. It's having an amorous conflict of its own! Pushed outside instead of being hugged tightly to the lowercase t. It's so sad.

I bet that exclamation point has a better story to tell than OMAC! Or not. I haven't actually read this comic book yet. The series ends on Issue #8. If I were writing it and they cancelled my title, I'd just make nine panels of OMAC sitting on the curb pouting on every single page of the last three issues. But I guess Dan DiDio probably played a major role in canceling his own title! Boy, that must have been a hard conversation to have with himself.

"Hey, Dan."
"Yes Dan?"
"I know you probably thought that you were going to write the best comic in the New 52, you know, seeing as how you're pretty much the big head honcho."
"Oh, yeah. Totes."
"Yeah. Um. Totes. Anyway, have you seen how well it's been selling?"
"No, I haven't seen the numbers yet. Been too busy whipping Jim Lee while he sits at his desk and making sure Keith Giffen doesn't slip any "Didio has a small dick" joke into the OMAC art."
"Well, we'd better sit down for this."
"That good, hunh?"
"DiDio, we're cancelling our title. I'm so sorry."
"That fucking idiot Keith Giffen! I knew his art fucking sucked! And his jokes were terrible! Did you see what he tried to say about me in Ambush Bug: Year None, Issue #6!? Yeah, it wasn't a joke that we never published #6! Half the comic was pictures of me fucking my own mother! I would have fired that asshole right then and there if Keith didn't have that iron clad clause in his contract signed by Julius Schwartz that gives him a writing career at DC in perpetuity! Fucking prick!"
"Um, yeah, yeah. It was all Giffen's fault. The, um, bastard."

Do I still have to read the comic after fantasizing that exchange? That enough? No, it's not? I still have to read this stupid OMAC book, hunh? Okay. Well, whatevs.

On the first page, OMAC is frying the fuck out of Kevin Kho's face with his laser fingers! And I think Brother Eye is exploding out of OMAC's chest and they're all swimming in lava as well! And Kevin is wearing tighty whiteys and I think the entire thing is some weird sex dream.
No, seriously.

See!

Kevin fell asleep and had this awesome dream while researching his current employer, Cadmus. He also seemed to be researching super heroes since he had a paper near him with Ted Kord and Pamela Isley's name on it. He also had a screen shot of Batman with a boom cube.

I once had a dream that I was fucking a vampire and as I was doing that, I was holding her down and the sun crept across her face and turned her to ash as we were doing it. Too much personal information?

Brother Eye decides to leave Kevin alone for awhile so he heads off to bother Maxwell Lord over at Checkmate Headquarters which is hidden beneath Mt. Rushmore.

I didn't know Lincoln and Teddy were kissing on Mt. Rushmore!

Brother Eye and Maxwell Lord talk a little bit about a Zero Patient. They LITERALLY talk only a little bit. Neither one seems to want to give the other one any more information than they might already have.

When did the word 'literally' become the new 'seriously'? When did 'literally' become an intensifier? When did 'literally' basically become 'figuratively'?! Stupid internet generation.

Maxwell Lord actually knows nothing about Zero Patient and was just bluffing Brother Eye. So Lord calls up Mokarri at Cadmus and yells at him for awhile. Mokarri pretends there is no Zero Patient but by the way he's looking up at some giant OMACkian purple thing in a Hoth Healing Bubble Tank, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he's lying.

And then two kids fall off the face of Checkmate Headquarters because...oh, wait. That's an ad for the Kubert School. Hey! I've never seen Joe Kubert and Maxwell Lord in the same place at the same time! I bet they'd like each other!

Back at Cadmus, Kevin's co-worker, Tony, wants Kevin to go on a date with him. I mean, he wants to go on a date with some consultant and the consultant will only agree to date Tony if he brings along Kevin. Tony calls it a double date so Kevin invites his girlfriend Jody. I don't know if that's what the consultant wanted though. I think she just wanted to date two men at once! Maybe I'm just confabulating that because the consultant never actually appears in the comic and Tony does mention a 'double date' and not just a date. Anyway, Jody agrees to go on the date because she needs to keep her mind off the fact that her cousin was just in a horrible plane crash.

No, fucking seriously!

I haven't read The Challenger's of the Unknown comic yet! Now I'm excited because it was mentioned in another comic book I'm reading! Cross-over!

I also don't think Tony gets the idea of dating and double dating. When you ask a girl out, she should want to go out with you! She shouldn't be making it a condition that you bring your douchebag friend along. Or your doughnut friend either. I get the feeling Leilani isn't actually interested in Tony!

This bird is wild!

So they all go out on their date. Kevin tells Jody he'll never disappear again. Except maybe when he has to make a surprise guest appearance in Justice League International because the Justice Leaguers have been conscious for far too long. And then Leilani arrives and I'm always surprised that Giffen can draw sexy women.

Not that I think he's a bad artist! It's just his style can be so goofy at times, I forget he draws better than three quarters of the DC artists that are trying to be dynamic and modern and edgy and sexy. Look, her clothes actually look like clothes instead of painted skin!

They sit down for dinner and things immediately get tense. When Leilani shoves the waiter on his face, everyone begins to think maybe she's not exactly normal.

Oh great. She's from Apokolips!

And she's looking for Mother Box. Is that what they all found over there in the pages of Justice League? Mother Boxes? Or maybe Baby Boxes. Still, I like the name Boom Cubes. When Kevin denies having it, she freaks out and transforms into her Apokolips form. And Kevin OMACTIVATES!

Is this the woman that went by the name Lashina over in Ostrander's old Suicide Squad run? Or is she just a new Apokolypsian threat?

This is the most sensical sexist costume in the DC Universe. Probably because it comes from Apokolips where there is no luxury and good times. Her limbs are well protected for combat where she expects to stay at a decent range using her whip. Her limbs would be most susceptible to attack. And her torso is free to give her greater movement and dexterity while snapping a whip. The strip across her breasts isn't there to hide the nipples. It's to keep her mammary glands from swinging wildly and getting in the way since they're so enormously huge like everything else on Apokolips.

OMAC has actually never heard of Mother Box. And even if he had, how could he tell that to Leilani? "MOTHER...BOX!" "I...KNOW...IT!" "IT...SPACE...TALK!" "WEDGIE!" But Brother Eye has heard of it. Brother Eye says that it is part of what makes Brother Eye and OMAC who they are. It's an integral part of their team.

Oh yeah! The Female Furies! I remembered Granny Goodness but forgot about her Furies. Bernadeth, I believe, is the black-haired bitch she's referring to.

OMAC takes Leilani out by reversing the power flow in her whip. He can do this because he and Leilani basically have the same Apokolipsian energy source. Leilani then sends her crow tattoos to suck the power out of OMAC. Which begins to work until Brother Eye shoots down a power surge to OMAC who is then able to smash the crow tattoos to bits. OMAC then chokes Leilani and is about to kill her when she Boom Tubes away, threatening to be back with her Furies at her side!

After the fight, Kevin slinks away like David 'Bruce' Banner while Jody and Tony console each other. And then back at Checkmate Headquarters, Brother Eye sends an assassin from Kord Industries to kill Maxwell Lord. But it doesn't work.

Man, that's just rude! Did DiDio write this just to get even with Giffen over something Giffen said? Or wrote? Making Giffen basically relive the the trauma of Blue Beetle being shot in the head. What a jerk!

After this, Maxwell Lord vows to destroy OMAC and Brother Eye! And he might be successful seeing as how there are only two issues left!

OMAC Issue #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was, by far, the best issue of OMAC yet. Very entertaining in that comic book way I'm continually going on and on about in a vague way and never quite explaining what exactly I'm looking for!