Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Blackhawks #5

Look at that ass! Lady Blackhawk knows the comic was cancelled and she's trying to show all the fanbois what they're going to be missing for not supporting this comic.

Blackhawks is drawn and inked by robots! The penciller's name is CAFU and the inker's name is BIT! And the colorist's name is Guy Major! Seriously? This comic book's creative team is like a super team of their own!

On their strange space journey, Wildman begins to open up to Canada about his relationship with Kunoichi. But Canada doesn't want to hear it. Not because he isn't the bestest of best pals with Wildman but because he feels Wildman is jinxing them by confessing secrets in case something bad happens. And they don't want anything bad to happen. Me, I really don't care! It'll be more exciting if they die!

Canada and Wildman's ship lands on a giant space station orbiting Earth. Just add this ship to the list of strange, alien, foreign things in Earth Orbit that nobody has noticed! I hope it doesn't crash into Brother Eye or Simon's satellite from Supergirl! That would be tragic!

Canada and Wildman exit the craft and are greeted by a couple of dogs with the Up voice translator.

"We love you! Take us for a walk! Food? Food? Food? Food? Food?"

Wildman is bit while Canada takes care of business and beats the shit out of some dogs!

Seriously, growing up in Atlanta, you need to learn to do this.

After the dogs are put down, Canada jabbers on about space having a smell. He says it smells like fried steak and molten metal. He smelled it on the ship and that's why he stole it. He sussed out from just that smell and the high technology of the ship that it would probably take them, of its own free will, into space and aboard a space station where they could contact the Blackhawks for rescue.

That's some pretty logical conclusions that you completely didn't jump to at all, Canada! Maybe the ship they hijacked was parked next to a Steak House which was locate behind the steel processing plant! And why would a futuristic ship automatically have auto-pilot that kicks in whenever a couple of dumb hicks board it? You got lucky, sir! Lucky somebody was writing this story and it wasn't happening in a way where nothing ever works out for anyone because nobody is writing reality for an audience that needs a story to make sense.

Man, I'm a real douchebag! I should just congratulate Canada on his mean mental skills and move on. Good work, dude!

Let's get back to the smelling space thing! This just comes off so weird in a story like this. It doesn't really fit well or make sense in the context. I'd believe that Canada didn't have a plan and just hopped on the first thing that looked like a ship and crossed his fingers that it would help them escape before I'd believe he smelled space on this ship and that gave him a plan. It's more like the writer, Mike Costa, learned the fact about space having a smell and then decided he had to incorporate it into his story somehow. But I'll go back to being nice to the Blackhawks now! And Mike Costa and his two robot artists.

Back at The Eyrie, the hangar is being examined to see how much damage has been done. Seeing as how Kunoichi flew a fighter jet into a Uranium Rod, I imagine the area is probably going to be sealed off for a number of years.

Oh, my mistake! I suspect that Blackhawks will end with Issue #8 when everyone dies from radiation poisoning.

As they're discussing made-up clean-up times, Wildman radios in on Lady Blackhawk's private frequency. To confirm his identity, Lady Blackhawk asks for Wildman's private code. It's a string of letters and numbers and the keyword, 'skinemax'. So what we've learned about Wildman so far this issue is that he hates beating up dogs that can talk and he loves softcore porn.

Wildman and Canada want to be rescued but The Blackhawks have no way to venture into space because the United Nations is called the United Nations and not the United Galactic Space Nations Federation. But it doesn't matter anyway because Mother Machine butts into the conversation. She's a little bit disappointed so she turns off the oxygen and the heat and flings the satellite into a decaying orbit so that it will crash to Earth. Take that, you rotten children!

While they're talking with Mother Machine, Wildman suddenly realizes what the satellite is. It's a weapon that launches debris from space to a targeted location on Earth causing an explosion like a small nuclear blast with no chemical signature. He deduces that this is how the prison was destroyed. Except I'm pretty sure the prison was destroyed by a person full of Nanocites turned into a bomb. I'd check the first issue to make sure but my cat is sitting on the comic book box.

But let's just pretend I got it wrong and the writer isn't rewriting the story months later. Now that Wildman realizes he has a space weapon, he sets it up to target Bespoke. He knows where Bespoke is on Earth because he left his sunglasses there. And they're Blackhawk Sunglasses, so they have a tracer on them. Canada isn't sure this is a good plan.

Says the guy who just beat the shit out of two talking dogs.

Wildman executes his plan and executes Mother Machine and every living (or somewhat living) thing in Bespoke. And simply because they wanted to take over the world! Jerks! Next, they ride out the decent of the satellite and rendezvous with Lady Blackhawk in a jet with a carbon fiber cable. Or something. Through some mid-air reentry tricks that Dick Grayson and Batman probably pulled off thirty years ago in some DC Celebrates the Space Shuttle Special, Wildman and Canada escape the plummeting satellite and survive! And now they smell like space!

The comic ends with Wildman telling his exciting tale to Kunoichi as she sleeps in a medicated fog. He walks out and a voice awakens Kunoichi from inside her own head. It's Mother Machine! She's infiltrated Kunoichi's nanocites! Dun dun DUN!

Just three more issues of Blackhawks left! I guess the first story arc is kind of over? Mother Machine blows up a prisoner in a prison for some reason. Testing the Nanocites? Then Titus is dropped on the site as the Blackhawks investigate. Why? Why did Mother Machine need another person at the site? To make sure the explosion worked as planned? And then Titus gets captured and is beat up and then disappears to return in the next Volume. And Mother Machine gets blown up by her captives. And all for what? Mother Machine wanted to take over the Earth by releasing Nanocites. I'm not sure what happened and why!

Maybe I'll reread these five issues later and see if the story actually makes any sense from Mother Machine's perspective. I just don't get her motivations for the actions she took within this story. I'm sensing a lot of that in these New 52 comics. A lot of stories that don't stand up under light scrutiny.

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