Saturday, April 7, 2012

Justice League International #7

I think their Darkest Hour would be if Godiva stood alone.

Previously on Justice League International: The entire team was blown up on stage at their Coming Out Party.

And now, this month's Justice League International:
Booster is left standing in ragged clothing to show that he either survived an explosion, turned into the Hulk, or was attacked by a sex-crazed elderly landlady. He's holding an unconscious Fire while Guy Gardner uses his ring to fly some of the injured civilians to safety. They assess the situation:

Oh? There were energy creatures as well?

With asses even?

Batman suddenly appears carrying Godiva to safety. Can't he just leave well enough alone? I'm really getting suspicious! More suspicious than I've been reading the previous issues! He must have a ton of money tied up in this affair. Batman takes charge of the rescue detail with Booster while sending Guy to battle the energy beings. The Energy Beings that have yet to be shown even though the comic is already on page four! This comic book might as well be about two guys standing on the corner describing all the action across the street!

Oh, here they are! And they were on Page Two as well but they just looked like part of the explosion.

Guy Gardner isn't here to dance! I thought it bears repeating. What he was there to do was bask in the adoration of his fans. But since the Dancing Energy Beings broke up that party, now Guy is here to kick ass! That needed some repeating too! So he destroys the Energy Beings without any trouble while the villain's henchman watches from above.

Wouldn't it have been funny if he had been watching from the same roof Batman had been watching?

Godiva seems to have survived relatively unscathed since she was shielded from the blast by August General in Iron. Fire was unconscious, Ice had multiple leg fractures, and Mari was rushed to the hospital by Guy with critical injuries. And even though he's a Green Lantern, he got Mari to the hospital after other people wounded in the explosion. The other men have yet to be found in the chaos.

Just another example that DC's editors suck. I don't mind reading mistakes like this in people's Tumblrs. But I expect this kind of stupid crap to be missing from periodicals employing FOUR editors. Fuck you, Mike Marts, Harvey Richards, Brian Smith, and Darren Shan.

Andyway, Rocket Red is hauled from the wreckage by August General in Iron. Batman can tell just by looking at him that he's dead! Not August General in Iron! Rocket Red! He's kicked the communist bucket! Killed by terrorists on the day that he was to make a name for himself! And before he could turn into a traitor because of the virus he downloaded from Peraxxus' Signalman. Unless the Signalman uploaded information about the JLI from Rocket Red when he accessed it.

Back to the story, Rocket Red is now dead and probably fifteen fans are crying and writing angry letters to DC. "He was my favorite!" "I loved the way he incorrectly used American slang!" "Other stuff that DC's editors won't read because they're obviously lazy assholes!"

Booster also finds the bodies of Andre Briggs and Emerson Esposito, their United Nations liaisons. Or managers. Or agents. You know, I don't really know what they were doing. Booster also finds some of Rocket Red's armor and has Skeets link to it and pull off any information he can.

Back at the hospital, Lightweaver (the bad guy!) waits for the JLI to arrive so that he can finish them off! How come six other titles are ending at Issue #8 but this issue is really making it feel like the end for them. I think Dan Jurgens just didn't like the whole United Nations idea. Who wants a super team controlled by government agencies?

Shut up, you stupid bitch. Stick by your decisions, you flaming cunt rag.

Amid all of this chaos, everyone has enough time to blame the Justice League for causing all of this death and destruction. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm so tired of this plot. Make up your mind, DC Universe! Either you want the heroes to help out or you want to outlaw them. Just pick one and go with it. Enough of this, "Please help us!" but then "Innocent people were hurt while you were helping and you're to blame!" bullshit. I can't wait until the regular people in the comic book world begin blaming the people who cause bad shit to happen instead of the heroes trying to stop that shit from happening. And I agree that a lot of death and damage is caused because bad guys are simply trying to get revenge on the good guys. It's practically all that ever happens in the pages of The Teen Titans comics. People angry their town was destroyed in a fight? Fine. People angry that people were killed and the super heroes couldn't stop it? Fuck you. People angry because the super heroes they just hired were attacked and people were killed? Fuck you.

Booster storms up to the roof as angry as I am about the turn of events. And waiting to kill him is Lightweaver. Booster has a bit of a fight with this guy but he beats up Booster pretty quickly. Which is embarrassing because he's saying things like, "I'm Lightweaver and I'm gonna light you up!" and "The bomb was the shock; I was the awe!" and "That's the best you got? Seriously?" and "You ain't in my class, bro." Yep. Booster Gold was beat up by a guy who actually says 'Bro'.

Bro, that's embarrassing.

And just when Booster Gold is about to be killed by Lightweaver's samurai light show, Batwing shows up to save the day!


Is Justice League International going to become a franchise of Batman, Inc.?! (Hee hee, look at all that punctuation!) I hope so. If Batman is so keen on a Justice League International being set up, why doesn't he just back it with his gigantic batpockets?

Well, that's it for Justice League International #7. And I'm pretty disappointed. I thought this was supposed to be one of the fun comics? How much fun are we having now that Rocket Red is dead, Fire is in a coma, Vixen may never walk again (but who the fuck cares? She can still fly, right? And can't she still walk by using the power of any animal nearby that can walk?!), and Ice has multiple fractures and internal damage (Gods can be internally damaged? Cool!). I'm going to have to drop Justice League International one rank simply because it's supposed to be fun and if it is going to get serious on occasion, don't do it this quickly! Sheesh. And why is Batwing suddenly here? Shouldn't he be defending Africa? Oh! He's probably going to join the JLI as the African representative, replacing the crippled Vixen! And Vixen can become the new Oracle!

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