Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Grifter #5

That mask is so fucking stupid.

I'm going to assume that this woman, Sofia, that just saved Cole on her motorcycle has a really good reason for knowing about him and wanting to save his ass and put her ass in danger. I'm just going to assume that I missed something somewhere between my reading, scanning, and crying at the horrible writing. I'm also just going to assume that comic books were written better back when I used to read them. Why do people keep reading them if they're this bad? Not everybody has a stupid project where they're writing about every comic book they read. And, believe me, I don't even know how long this project will last if some of these titles don't find their footing by the half-year mark.

And where did Grifter get that mask? Did he really pick it up in the souvenir shop where he stole the hat in the first issue? Is it a sports mask? Or a kid's television show character? I thought it was just a bandanna that he tied around his face but the design and the eye holes are telling me that's wrong. I'm pretty fucking smart!

She just turned a bar room with one desk into the room behind her by pushing some buttons. But the comic didn't show how the scene changed. Hologram? Did a wall lower? Did the room rotate? Am I the only one who cares about details like this?

Cash has found himself in some basement room inside Green Arrow's Q-core building in Seattle with this woman, Sofia, who also knows about the Daemonites. They're going to hunt them together!

Tsavo the Daemonite is still hunting Cash. Tsavo mentions someone named Carver who apparently tortured Cash but I don't remember that at all! Did I fall asleep while reading this comic? Perhaps that was during the 17 days/minutes/hours/weeks/years/eons of Cole's lost time. Tsavo is supposed to stop hunting Grifter but he's going to go against orders. The orders come from this woman who captured Cole's girlfriend in Gotham.

And when one does get a hold of him, one dies from Grifter Tsavo poisoning!

This woman might be the only thing I like about this comic so far! Her expressions are so horrible! But I don't think they're meant to be funny in the way that Balki or Bones or that Israeli chick from NCIS mangles sayings. I think they're funny because Nathan Edmondson is trying to be serious when writing what she's saying! I can't be totally sure though. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt that he's finally writing something entertaining? Yes? No? Fuck, who cares! I find this woman as funny as RonnieStorm's mom in Firestorm!

Okay, she's not really mangling common English phrases. She's just sort of awkward and weird.

Okay, there's nothing technically wrong with this. But how do you know you're betting on the wrong horse until the race is over? I think this saying can only be used after Grifter is dead. "See, you dumb whore!? You backed the wrong horse! Bitch!"

Sofia has plenty of weapons to fight the Daemonites. She's been stockpiling for quite some time because she knew the Daemonites were trying to infiltrate Q-Core to merge their technology with Q-Cores' technology. I guess the security at Waynetech was just too much for them so they decided to go with this second rate firm. She didn't know who they were until Grifter exposed them by busting his ass through the front windows of Q-Core. Now they need some cash to hunt the Daemonites and Cole (his last name being cash!) has a solution for that.

And a guy with a really spherical bicep!

Grifter hits the streets of Seattle to find someone to grift! But as he's doing his lame lost locket thing (is this a Twin Peaks reference?), the world freezes and he's attacked by a bunch of Daemonites! It's a really good thing that normal bullets kill these things or Grifter would be dead pretty quickly.

Wait! What am I saying? I wish normal bullets had no effect on these things! Stupid Grifter!

Grifter is out of ammo and about to be killed by dozens of Daemonites. Cue the "act tough" routine!

Tsavo calls off the Daemonites and approaches Cole rationally. Of course, he's rationally trying to talk Cole into giving himself up even though Tsavo just got Cole's brother killed. Remember Cole's brother, MAX CASH! Man, that name never gets old. So of course Grifter isn't going to act reasonably! What Grifter does do is throw a Butterfly Knife at Tsavo's face!

An aside: I first learned what a Butterfly Knife was from my friend Sal. Sal lived around the corner from my cousin's house but I think I met Sal in third grade independent of knowing he lived so close. He trained in Taekwondo for many years and could jump a bunch of guys to kick a board in half and all that crap. This was also the mid-eighties and ninja stuff was pretty popular. So everyone had at least one Throwing Star hidden away from their mothers somewhere in their room. But Sal had a Butterfly Knife! Now, I'd actually known the term Butterfly Knife as a weapon previous to this due to Wizardry 3: The Legacy of Llygamyn. It was a weapon that only Ninjas could use and it made them officially super badass. I had no idea what it was until Sal got one of his own. End Aside.

That woman I like shows up to put a stop to this whole fight and I learn her name is Carver. So I think the torture he was talking about was when Carver was torturing Grifter's girlfriend! Now that makes sense. Carver appears with the Daemonite God, Black Curate. He's just a gigantic black Daemonite that doesn't do much but make Grifter say, "My God." I don't think he means that literally. Or maybe he does since he's part Daemonite! That is his God!

Grifter is captured but not for long. Sofia begins sniping the Daemonites and frees Cole. Carver, the funny lady, commands the Daemonites to eliminate the sniper! Man, like it's that easy! I'm always telling my crew in Call of Duty to eliminate the sniper and they fuck it up all the time and just splatter the wall with more of their brains! Someone get Carver a Predator Missile!

Oh, I made another mistake! Apparently that thing I thought was a God was just a gigantic ship. Well, excuse the fuck out of me! Maybe the artist should be clearer! Actually, it wasn't that bad. Maybe I'm drunk from reading Grifter and drinking Iced Tea!

So Cole is captured and Sofia has to beat a hasty retreat because the Seattlers begin moving again, see she has a gun, and call her a terrorist! Take that, stupid! Back on the Daemonite ship, there is a set-up for next issue!

Uh-oh! Here comes the God!

Believe it or not, I liked this issue much better than the previous issues! I was kind of entertained while reading it! I think it was mostly my mood, but that's something, right? And since Grifter is at the bottom of the heap, I think I'll throw it a boner (hee hee) and move it up the ranks one spot!
Seriously, it doesn't take much for me to move the comics at the bottom of the pile. But the comics at the top of the list have to have some majorly entertaining or surprising stories to move up past their competitors. And the ones in the middle, well, fuck. Who cares, really? They're all so mediocre!

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