New Guardians #21

Anybody else suddenly have Snow White on their mind?

I guess Kyle's father turned out to be a boring asshole because immediately after having dinner with him for the first time in twenty-something years, Kyle's decided to head into deep space on a fantasy adventure. I take it he's the burglar.

Kyle Rayner has been chosen by the Bohemian Guardians to be their guide on a Magic Bus trip across the universe. Hopefully when they take off from Oa, Kyle will fly them off in a white light bus with "Furthur" tagged on the front.

You're already making the same mistakes simply by believing that the universe needs to be policed!

What is wrong with these Guardians? Bohemian or Corporate, they're all the same. Why do they have to be in control? I suppose giving an honest and brave native of a planet a weapon to fight cosmic invaders could be a good thing. That would enable every planet the ability to protect itself from serious universal threats. But that's not what they do! Instead, they give a weapon to two beings per infinite sector (since I imagine the sectors continue out to infinity in a cone or wedge shape from Oa) to protect the entire sector. They also simply give rings to people who can overcome great fear. I suppose there are lower protocols that try to choose honest people as well. But I don't think it matters much since, according to Guy Gardner's old history, rings even give up from choosing the intended target if the target is too far away! Lazy fucking rings. After the Guardians miserly give out these two rings, they then demand the new Green Lanterns follow their orders and fight the fights they want them to fight. And then most of those threats have been creations of the Guardians or other Lantern Corps! The whole system is fucked up and needs an overhaul and I think it's going to take a bit more than an acid fueled road trip across the universe.

Kyle might be thinking some of the same things I'm thinking because he declines the job of tour guide. But Hal Jordan thinks he should reconsider.

Hal Jordan refusing to fight an ally? This truly is a brand new era for Green Lantern!

I had a visceral reaction to that first panel. That image of Hal Jordan really touched me. It brought back memories of the Green Lantern I first knew as a young boy and I suddenly realized why I'm always so hard on Hal Jordan. He fucking disappointed me. He dropped the ball. He became a villain and a dick and a failure and I guess I never forgave him. I missed his return in the 00s, so I can't speak to how he was during his comeback. But I've been bitter and spiteful toward him and I think it's time to forgive him. This is the first scene I've read in a long while that has left me liking Hal Jordan. And he just looks like a fucking hero in that first panel.

Hal accompanies Kyle out into space to beat up on some Space Sharks.

It looks like they're organic creatures modified into space ships. So there must be an alien race called the R'hemmorah who pilot them.

They battle Space Sharks while discussing Kyle's possible gig as parole office for the Bohemian Guardians. Hal doesn't trust them and he needs Kyle to keep an eye on them and protect the Corps from them if they should begin acting like the Corporate Guradians. I enjoy comic book scenes like this where two of the most powerful people in the universe aren't very concerned with the physical battle around them. The real problem is a philosophical one that they're trying to talk out. Obviously this scene isn't about Kyle and Hal trying to save the world from these Space Sharks. Still, it gets old seeing the most powerful characters in the DC Universe being beaten down time after time only to rise up and overcome. The physical threats they face should be their least concerns. Like Superman saving the astronauts and trying to disable the satellite's reactor in Superman Unchained, those are the threats that should challenge them. Trying to stop the threat to innocents. Let's see more of Superman not just beating down the next Doomsday type alien when it comes to Metropolis but Superman finding a way to not destroy Metropolis while battling the creature. That's the difficult part.

Kyle tells Hal he'll think about it and then goes back to Earth to think about it.

The Bohemian Guardians would love a lava lamp!

Kyle doesn't hit on Carol when he finds out she and Hal broke up. Instead he flies out to the edge of the Omniverse with the six dwarfs to investigate some thing called The Anomaly! Dozens of ships from around the universe have gathered around The Anomaly, including the tree rocket from Saga. The Anomaly simply looks like a massively massive wad of chewing gum. Or a space tumor.

Kyle wonders what it is and one of the Bohemian Guardians tells Kyle that the Guardians don't guess. They either know or they don't know. Which is kind of stupid since one of the main ways to figures stuff out in science is to guess! Sure, it's educated guesses based on previous observations of things. They're called hypotheses! And this Bohemian Guardian has one so he's just being a dick face when he first answers Kyle. I thought I might like the Bohemian Guardians better but they're not starting out on the right foot. Or the wrong foot. Or any fucking foot. Stupid bastards.

So, the Guardian's hypothesis is that it's the universe's reaction to a piece of the old universe remaining behind. As Kyle calls it, a cyst. That's a really good analogy, Kyle! Now they just have to pop it! Or leave it alone. I don't think they can remove it because there's nowhere to remove it to. Oh, maybe a black hole!

What to do with it may end up being a moot point since a crazy alien named Exeter guards The Anomaly and will not let anybody near it. Is this the same Exeter from Mork and Mindy? He really was a fucking alien!

I like this guy!

The Bohemian Guardians ignore Exeter's will and simply fly across the boundary commanding Kyle to deal with the alien. They really are arrogant pricks, aren't they? At least Kyle tries to talk with the alien as he manages to keep it from killing the Bohemian Guardians. Rayner's use of his power ring while battling Exeter sets off a chain reaction which causes the cyst to burst, releasing its physics-flawed piece of the previous universe. Not that the previous universe's physics were flawed. But they were probably different than his universe's physics. Which means the creature released from the cyst is going to warp all kinds of reality and cause all kinds of trouble.

Whoops!

New Guardians #21 Rating: +3 Ranking. Characters actually acted reasonable in this thing! Holy shit, Justin Jordan. I've been unsure what to think of Jordan so far because he had to take over that trainwreck Deathstroke and didn't really do much with it. And Team 7 was all over the place although, I suppose, it was meant to be another 90s style comic which I can't stand. So I couldn't judge there either. But this issue was really fucking good. How's that for a review? "Really fucking good!" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! DC, you can use that for your New Guardians' Trade Paperback advert in a few months.

Birds of Prey #21

I almost forgot that Calvin Rose is all dead and shit.

Quick recap: Talon appeared before Batgirl and Strix. Black Canary and Condor wandered off. Mister Freeze escaped. Starling is a fuckbag. And here we go!

This issue begins with Talon wrapping Batgirl up in her own cape and throwing her down a stairwell. He accomplished this because she spent most of the fight Narration Boxing to herself about how odd it was that a Talon wasn't trying to kill her. Take that, you over-thinker! Now Strix is going to have to fight Talon all alone. What chance does a Talon have against Talon? Oh, hmmm. I bet it's a draw!

I see Christy Marx is keeping Duane's love of falling characters alive.

That sign should say, "Coming Soon: Bruce Wayne's pockets get fatter and fatter as many Gotham citizens are marginalized!"

Meanwhile Black Condor continues to look like a fucking idiot. He's bragging about how he knows how to pull a hard drive out of a computer. You're lucky that was a removable hard drive, you douche bucket! Stop bragging about flipping a switch and pulling! Could you have done it if you had to open the case up? Do you carry teeny tiny screwdrivers somewhere on that stupid fucking costume? I HATE YOU! DIE ALREADY!

OH BOY! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TECHNICAL KNOW HOW ON THAT PURPLE HEADED TWIT!

Sorry for yelling. I need a moment to compose myself.

Batgirl radios Black Canary and Condor for help. So they use radio communicators and cell phones? Do they need the phones for long distance communication with each other? Or is the phone for setting up Birds of Prey auditions and gossiping about what Batman's secret identity might actually be.

On the street below, Strix regenerates faster than Talon because she's had more practice. She thinks about cutting off his head but decides to leave him be because she's a pussy. Or she has sympathy for him. One of those. She then climbs back up the side of the building because nobody has given her one of those Grapple Hook Shooters that everybody else in Gotham seems to own.

Talon wakes up and realizes he's been the victim of a mercy living. That's when the good guy shows mercy to the bad guy and then the bad guy yells at the stars for being liars and then throws himself off of a bridge. Except Talon doesn't realize he's supposed to kill himself after being shown mercy and simply goes back to work trying to kill Strix.

The two Talons crawl into a window to fight on some middle floor so it will be harder for the other Birds of Prey to find them. This way, they can have some alone time trying to kill each other before Black Canary screams Calvin Rose's face into jelly. I wish she would scream Condor's face into jelly.

This is what happens when Talons fight. You're dead! No, you're dead! No you are! You are! Pointless. If only Matthew Broderick were here to force them to play Tic Tac Toe two hundred million times.

Batgirl goes off on her own to find Strix while Black Canary and Condor wander around discussing stuff. It's really stupid stuff that nobody wanted to know anyway. They should just keep it to themselves because it's confusing and threatening and it's making me uncomfortable.

Is Dinah suddenly on drugs? What the fuck? Did he use his power to force her lips onto his? I wish she would accidentally hiccup and blow his brains out.

Did I miss something? Was there some kind of chemistry going on between these two? It's got to be his power, right? Maybe besides his Telekinesis, he also has the "Look at My Face and Want to Fuck Me" power.

Back to the Talon battle, Talon gets the upper hand on Talon but then Talon pulls a reversal and then Talon looks like Talon is about to die. But then Talon is about to stab Talon in the face and Talon realizes that Talon just can't kill Talon. So the Talons become friends instead. They rush off together to probably save Casey and her daughter over in Talon #9. Unless they're just going out for burgers. Maybe they're going to look for Mr. Freeze? I don't know! I might know if Strix would say something once in a while! Somebody should buy her some chalk or a pen and notepad so she doesn't have to keep finding rocks to scrape words in the dust.

Birds of Prey #21 Rating: No change. I'm so mad at Dinah right now. How could she kiss that stupid, goofy, jerk? She must still be confused and distraught over Starling's betrayal. I hope that's it.

Batwoman #21

Here we see Killer Croc making a huge mistake.

I feel like I should write some type of essay full of insight about Batwoman and lesbians and comic books and women but I don't think I have anything to say. The most important thing to me is good characters. I don't want to read about Batman who also happens to be a woman and also happens to be a lesbian. I want to read about a character where all of those things matter. I want her to be believable in her passions, whether they're her relationship with a police officer who's also a single mother or fighting injustice and stark raving madmen in her city. And since this comic book does all that, it never really occurs to me that I should talk about any of it!

I find it strange when fans call out creators for introducing "non-normative" characters into their comic books. Yes, I'm using non-normative to mean not straight white male which is also why I put the quote marks around non-normative because thinking that straight white male is a normal standard is pretty fucking ridiculous. It's just another category. When DC reported that The New 52 Alan Scott was gay, a lot of people bitched and moaned. In situations like these, I wish more people could be honest about their own feelings and the reasons they have problems with these things. But everyone hides behind arguments about tradition and gimmick and the loss of Jade and Obsidian (who happened to be Preboot gay). Of course, the fact that Alan Scott is so much younger is the only reason there's probably not a Jade or an Obsidian. He could easily have children. Perhaps on Earth 2, he felt pressure to pass and married Harlequin and had the twins anyway. That could be part of the story but before the comic book with the reveal even came out, people were arguing that they hated Alan Scott being gay because it means Obsidian and Jade don't exist.

I had a point there somewhere but, as usual, it got lost in my meandering. The bottom line about Alan Scott is that he's going to be written by writers that, hopefully, care about the characters and stories they're writing. So even if it was merely an editorial decision and they drew a name out of a hat, it still means a gay hero will be a main character of a book. For me, his sexuality doesn't matter one way or the other. I want to feel empathy for him and I want him to succeed and I want him to be interesting. By acknowledging that it doesn't matter either way to me, I mean to say that there should probably be more "non-normative" characters because they certainly DO matter to a lot of fans. Plus I guess it would certainly matter to me if every comic book character were straight white males. Boring! Although then some of them might become prison gay since there wouldn't be any women running about. Which, again, would make things interesting!

Let's take an even better example because it isn't spotlighting sexuality which wasn't the actual point of the previous few paragraphs. Let me point out Gail Simone's "The Movement". Here's a batch of diverse youngsters that are, so far, entertaining and a lot of fun. They're also very important to a lot of people who don't see heroes that look like they do very often. Or sometimes not at all! These things are just part of the character to me. They don't take away from nor add any emotional impact to me. So if Katharsis being Lao can add as much happiness as I've seen it add just from the messages Gail Simone receives on Tumblr, I think that's great. And Tremor is from India. And Vengeance Moth is in a wheelchair. And Mouse smells like urine. These things are important to the characters but even more important to fans that don't see enough characters like them.

As a straight white male (although the "white" is arguable on a genetic level, it's how society sees me. I, because of my close ties with my mother's parents and their brothers and sisters, have always thought of myself as Spanish), I've grown up in an atmosphere and a society that didn't criticize those aspects of who I was. So they're not of much concern to me. Which means characters can be of any race or gender or sexual identity and it doesn't matter to me. If they're well-written characters, I'll love them for being well-written characters. Which is, to me, one of the best arguments for more diverse characters. They matter more to more people than just another straight white guy. I've never identified with a character merely because he was male, straight, or white. My favorite characters when I was first reading comics were The Outsiders with Metamorpho and Black Lightning topping the list. So maybe I did identify more with male characters earlier in life since I also loved Halo and Katana but I instantly mentioned Metamorpho and Black Lightning. I especially loved Halo. SWOOOOON.

Anyway, I was just thinking I should discuss diversity at some point and why I never really discuss it much! I'm neutral on diversity so I'm not the target audience. But I'm also not the target audience on non-diverse comic book characters! I think that's probably a good part of the silent majority. Which means when a company thinks that diverse characters won't sell, they're absolutely wrong because they're listening to a vocal minority. I'll read ANY character if the story is well-written and/or drawn beautifully! Which probably means I shouldn't stay silent on being pro-diversity! So it's probably a good thing to be writing this. Take note, DC. White male characters don't sell because comic book fans demand white males. White males sell because that's what you're fucking selling us.

So when I say I'm neutral on it, I just mean I'm not emotionally invested one way or the other on the background of a character. I think diversity is important because it's so important to fans under-represented for years. The only time comic fans should ever be angry concerning comic book characters is when Scott Lobdell is shitting all over them.

So, on to Batwoman! Or, I guess I should say, Killer Croc!

This issue begins with Killer Croc recounting the moments during Medusa's assault on Gotham while he was The Hydra. His voice in the Narration Boxes is evocative of a Toni Morrison novel. He begins powerless against Medusa's voice as she pulls the Hydra from his guts. Later, after Medusa is destroyed, he's wounded and powerless to move from the middle of the rubble and destruction he caused. And then he's powerless to stop the Monster Squad from dragging him down into their underground lair. He's recounting all of this to Claire, a lizard woman lying in bed next to him.

Those first two Narration Boxes are magnificent.

Being that this is Interlude III, I was sure we wouldn't be getting any Batwoman and, at this point, I hope we fucking don't. Williams and Blackman are writing the fuck out of Killer Croc right now. Earlier when he was thinking about how he's never been more proud about destroying a large chunk of Gotham as Hydra except maybe how proud he was when he beat up Batman. And now, taking a look at Killer Croc in such an intimate way and perfectly within character. He's always full of bravado and machismo. And here he still is with his "About you, baby." But inside he's thinking about how he was a virgin when he met Claire and about how obvious it should be to everybody that he was. Here's this big ass brawler with the rock hard outer shell and we're getting to see his vulnerable side. Hell, his human side. DC characters need a shitload more of this kind of thing. Absolutely brilliant, sweet, and beautiful.

I can't help thinking he's going to fuck it all up with Claire!

Afterward, Waylon discusses his newly found knowledge about himself with one of the Monster Squad.

So being a werecreature is a bit like having Cerebral Palsy? Kind of an umbrella term for a whole list of differing manifestations?

I'm going to stick my tongue right up Williams and Blackman's ass now. Just get it right up in there nice and deep because this shit is so fucking smart. I love this werebeast idea and how it's a spectrum and not just a binary Werewolf kind of thing. So Waylon surmises that Cobblepot just has a little, maybe 1-2% Werebeast in him which causes him to act the way he does and, probably, identify with Penguins so much. Just a great image, that. And on the other end of the spectrum would be Waylon, Killer Croc, who can't manifest as a human at all. So it's easy to see how his Werecrocodile blood could be diagnosed as some kind of skin defect by humancentric doctors. Brilliant. Just...just...I think this comic book is giving me an erection.

Waylon denies being a shapechanger although it's pointed out to him that he's constantly changing shape which was actually a point I was going to make before I was distracted by this lump in my pants. I was really impressed earlier in this comic book series when Killer Croc was taken from simple Batman bad guy to alligators in the sewers Urban Legend working for Medusa. I believe I even commented at the time when he went from Urban Legend to full blown Hydra myth how well thought out a turn of fortune that was for him. To go from dark ally hood to urban legend to Mythological creature was quite an advancement for Killer Croc. And now Claire is claiming he's the Great Beast of Babylon. So I guess he's got some slouching to do.

The Monster Squad want Killer Croc to be their new leader but first, they declare, he must avenge Abbot and kill Batwoman. Well, that hardly seems fair. Batwoman didn't kill Abbot! Batwoman was finally working with him when Medusa turned him to stone. I hope the Monster Squad isn't merely using Killer Croc to advance their agenda. I'm going to feel really sorry for Waylon if they abandon him after he fails to kill Batwoman.

I think Maggie needs to get a stronger face wash.

Killer Croc decides to stake out Maggie and maybe come up with a plan. Or just bite her face off.

See? That's why she needs a stronger face wash. What did you think I meant, you sex maniacs?!

When Waylon attacks, he's back to his normal, DC Universe self. He just goes in all claws and teeth and "bat-bitch"es. He thinks to himself, "Sometimes I hate the crap that comes out of my mouth." He's basically a dumb-ass thug who, like most dumb-asses, doesn't think he's dumb at all. But he's self-aware enough to realize how cliche he is at being a big dumb brute. Williams and Blackman are building some really strong bully chops on this guy. His self-esteem seems to be a driving factor behind his violence. The tough skin is both literal and metaphorical.

I have no clue if Killer Croc has been written this way in the past since it seems a natural path to go down with him. I can only comment on this Waylon now since I rarely read Batman. I did read Shadow of the Bat for a few years. I wonder if there was a good Killer Croc story in that while I was reading it? No way I'd remember!

Killer Croc underestimates Maggie Sawyer, believing that she'll take cover while Batwoman battles him. Which is why he gets shot in the shoulder and punched in the face at the same time. And then his big mouth gets him in a little bit of big trouble.

The big mouth.

The big trouble.

Killer Croc begins turning back into Killer Hydra after he takes the shotgun blast to his head and he hears Maggie say his name. He keeps hearing his name repeated in his head and he's going wild. But then Hawkfire appears and Waylon begins to realize what would happen if he kills Batwoman. He thought killing Batwoman would earn him a welcome place among the Monster Squad. He'd be free and have a home and Claire and happiness. But as Hawkfire arrives and Maggie has her shotgun out and Batwoman is standing there glaring at him, he knows if he kills Batwoman, peace is the one thing he'll never have. He'll be run down until the end of time by the people that care about her. So he retreats. He flees back to find Claire and get her away from the warmonger leader of the Monster Squad, and away from Gotham altogether.

I bet Claire's baby winds up being a Werewolf.

Batwoman #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. Is it fair to give two whole rankings to a Batwoman comic book that barely had Batwoman in it? Sure, why not?! I really liked it! And I really liked how the panels were all laid out like scales. Oh, Batwoman. You just keep being one of the best, most consistent books of The New 52, girl.

Legion of Super-heroes #21

I bet the fifth member of The Fatal Five is a Legionnaire!

I'm sure a lot of people are wondering, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, how do you manage to write such amazing commentary on The New 52?" Well, let me give you a peak at the daily grind!

First I have to wake up my computer from hibernation. I don't know why it's called hibernation since I don't leave it untouched for months at a time. I had a habit of just leaving my laptop constantly running but then my fan started acting up and I realized that was probably a really bad idea. Or, more probable, I always knew it was a bad idea but didn't care because who wants to waste precious seconds waiting for your laptop to start up? So when I discovered hibernation mode, I trilled, "This is the setting for me!"

So after my computer fires up, I unlock it with my super secret secret code that isn't really keeping anybody off of my laptop since I'm the only one who uses it. But it will keep everybody off of my laptop if I die and then nobody will be able to discover and publish all of my amazing works posthumously. Maybe I should make a will containing a scavenger hunt that will lead the players to all of my passwords so they can unlock the mystery that was my life! Because after I die, I'd rather believe people would be super interested in finding out more about me than what will really happen. People will check my blog for a few weeks before forgetting about it. Then every six months or so, they'll remember and think, "Whatever happened to that guy? Maybe Tess has come back!" and they'll log on and find my account still inactive. Maybe a few people will send me emails and private messages that never get answered and slowly even Lord Google will forget that my page ever existed.

Anyway, after logging on, I'll think about what project I want to work on before I look over and see the stack of comic books I still need to read. So I decide to read one of those before getting to my real work and I'll pick up something like, I don't know, Legion of Super-heroes. Then I'll set it down and decide to check out Facebook to see what kinds of mediocre things my family and friends are up to.

After reading a few reposted Someecards posts and pictures of beers and children and another quote about how reading is the bestest from Soy Rakelson, I log off and check out my Twitter feed. God and Ricky Gervais and J. Jonah Jameson and Patton Oswalt make me laugh a few times and I log off. I'm really horrible at participating in social media unless I can type many, many words about myself. So then I check Tumblr's dashboard for an hour or so before coming to terms with my need to read Legion of Super-heroes. But by now I probably have to use the restroom and I walk away from the computer.

Returning a few hours later after being waylaid by a cat or two and forced to cuddle and nap while watching something mind-numbingly shitty on non-cable television, I wander back into my office to see Legion of Super-heroes lying on top of the scanner still in the mylar. So I turn around and yell to my non-certified spouse, "Want any tea from the local evil tea empire?" I don't think that question has ever garnered a negative response, so I put on some pants and head to the local Starbucks because who wants to make tea when it's super easy but it's super easier to go pay exorbitant prices for it down at the corner? On the way to Starbucks, I might sing a little song to myself like, "Semen tree! Semen tree! Semen tree can you see me?" One of the ten different coffee clerks will recognize me and ask if I want two teas and I'll say yes and then I'll sit in the leather chair if it isn't taken and think, "This is nice." That will make me realize I have old man tendencies and then my tea will be ready and I'll go home and finally sit down and scan the cover of Legion of Super-heroes as I check to see if The CRPG Addict has updated. If he has, I'll read his entry and marvel at how stodgy and winning-minded he is as he blows through game after game being annoyed by any whimsical factor present in every game he plays. And then I'll finally open up Legion of Super-heroes.

Big deal! The Persuader managed to kill one Duplicate Damsel! Hopefully it's not the one that's into Bouncing Boy.

On their way back to Earth, Brainiac Kid and his crew realize that Earth has gotten its ass kicked by The Persuader. Magnet Boy declares that they should have left a stronger defense. I didn't realize his super power was stating the fucking obvious. If you see a defense has been breached, I'm not sure how it helps to declare that defense should have been stronger. Elementary School Kid engages his obvious discussion for some reason. I guess arguing about the past is supposed to somehow help them cope with the present and come up with a plan for the future?

Yeah, I've got a solution! How about instead of thinking you're the only fucking fuckers capable of saving anybody else in the universe, how about tending your own gardens and trusting that other people can come up with some kind of defenses of their own? Hey! Then maybe you could have defended Earth! It's always the same, you Imperialist bastards! While trying to control the rest of the world to feel safe at home, you leave home unguarded and vulnerable.

Back on Earth, The Persuader in his hockey mask battles One Hit Wonder Boy and Chameleon Kid on a pile of Duplicate Damsel bodies. One Hit Wonder Boy knocks the mask off of Persuader and realizes his secret identity is the Goatee-faced Dickhead.

"The Legion doesn't quit!" "Dude, your leader ditched you!" "Oh. I quit."

Why do these heroes always listen to the enemy's lies? Even if The Persuader isn't lying, Jo Nah should assume that he is! Maybe while Ultra Boy is using his super strength, he can't use his skepticism.

Back aboard Brainiac 5's ship, Wearing Just a Bikini Lass is trying to save Mon-el's life. Wearing So Many Clothes Maybe He Should Share Some With Bikini Lass Boy offers to help by slowing down some key chemical reactions that Death needs to make a thing die. But no, seriously Chemical Kid, maybe offer Shadow Lass your robe.

Chemical Kid has "a list of chemical reactions to slow down in the medical tank." From that information alone, Dreamy Girl declares it "sound biology." I suppose she might be remembering what the chemical reactions were from a previous dream and doesn't realize that she hasn't heard one word about biology in the current linear time. Or else just telling her a smart guy gave him the list provoked the assumption that it was sound biology.

"Quick! Take a nap and tell me if Mon-el will live!"

Why is Dreamy Girl so worried about her husband that can change the density of shit and himself and his own shit? If he was crushed it's because he was too inept at using his one power. If One Hit Wonder Boy can rapidly switch from one power to the next as needed, I'm pretty sure Beard Man can work his density power instantaneously when needed.

Meanwhile in the Realm of Death, Invisible Kid and Polar Man learn the startling truth from dead Iron Butterface: they can go back to the land of the living but they might die there and then they'll return to the Land of the Dead forever! Oh hey! Thanks for the great information. So the other choice is to not try and go back and stay in the Land of the Dead forever? Great fucking advice, corpsy. I thought this side trip to the Land of the Dead might actually teach these guys something. Maybe Paul Levitz just couldn't think of anything exciting so he tried to make it ominous. Or maybe he wanted to show them in the Land of the Dead so the reader can see that Star Boy and Phantom Girl and Duplicate Damsel and Sun Boy aren't there.

Brainiac 5's ship arrives on Earth in time to see Metropolis falling to pieces. Tharok arrives to help Persuader finish them. And The Emerald Empress is here too after somehow getting out of her Inertron prison. I don't know how she did it but SWOOOOON!

Tharok is kind of a dick head as well. Emerald Empress should share some of that gorgeous hair.

I think Tharok is only there digitally or something because Persuader and Emerald Empress do all the work of dismantling the Legionnaires. I suppose the fifth member of the Fatal Five should show up as a last page surprise but until then, let's look at some of the reasons the Emerald Empress has stolen my heart.

The hair. The flying, destructive tit. That tush. And that joyful, contagious smile!

The rest of the Legion hide within Brainiac 5's force bubble which is impenetrable to the Persuader's Axe and Emerald Empress's Flying Tit. But that's okay because Tharok has the ability to turn it off! He does so and the Emerald Empress blasts the shit out of all the remaining Legionnaires. I have no idea what kind of force power comes out of the Emerald Empress's pet boob but it seems pretty deadly. It's strong enough to take an arm off of Mon-el, so I can only imagine how fucked up everybody else is now.

And instead of the fifth Fatal Five member appearing (maybe Tharok isn't as smart as he thinks and can't actually count very high?), Saturn Girl and Lightning Lad return to save the day! And for some reason I called them by their real names!

Legion of Super-heroes #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm really beginning to enjoy this comic book. Maybe all it took was to see the Legion get the crap beaten out of them issue after issue. Is that the draw? Seeing them nearly get wiped out again and again while suffering a loss or two in every big conflict because they have so many members to spare? This comic book is about to end and I think it's finally getting good. It's definitely finally getting to a place where new readers can enjoy it. You know, if those new readers had been willing to pay $2.99 each month for twenty months before the payoff began to seem worth it!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #21

I bet this issue takes place after Red Hood and the Outlaws #25.

That was a joke pointing out how DC often publishes comic books with editorial notes telling the reader that the story within the comic book takes place after a comic book that has yet to be published. That was an unnecessary sentence explaining another sentence which wasn't really much of a joke in the first place if I decided I needed to explain it. Perhaps I should just explain why I say everything that I say? I'm afraid if I do that, I'll never finish the commentary. I might not ever even open up the comic book! Which wouldn't be a bad thing considering Red Hood and the Outlaws has, historically, not been very good. That was me being charitable because what I really want to say is that Red Hood and the Outlaws has been a fucking miscarriage every month. And not a sad, human miscarriage which would be a sad and hurtful thing to say, but a doggy miscarriage where all the puppies weren't even puppy shaped yet and the mother ate them. Oh fuck, that's even worse! Pretend I just said miscarriage of justice and let's move on to other descriptions of how bad this comic book has been! I'm so sorry!

If I was really sorry, I would have edited myself and taken out the previous couple of lines. In fact, I just went back and edited what I had typed earlier and made it fucking worse! I'm a Goddamned monster! But speaking of miscarriages, I once had a daughter for about two days. We named her Astird after Jan's baby on The Office because that episode was on the night after my girlfriend's pregnancy test betrayed the fuck out of us and tried to shit all over our lives! Thankfully, Jesus and/or Mother Nature (but not Medical Science! It wasn't the bad guy this time!) decided to abort the baby a day later like a gigantic dickhead that supports abortion. I know that when things happen to religious people that they didn't expect to happen but they were really thankful that it did happen, they call it a miracle. So I went around claiming this was a miracle which may or may not have been tacky and offensive to religious people. But since they all secretly believe I'm going to Hell, I don't give a fuck what they think of my words!

Being less facetious in this paragraph, my girlfriend was concerned when she began menstruating after having just tested positive for being pregnant on approximately thirty-four separate pregnancy tests. So I did what most people do when you have medical concerns: I consulted with Doctor Lord Google! And I found many, many, many forums where sad and weeping women were having the same problem. I was concerned that I was feeling happy while all of these other people were terribly distraught but then I remembered that I'm a Goddamned monster and continued to read. It seems that all of these really, super-duper early pregnancy test kits give out a stunning amount of false positives if women happen to take them at exactly the right time. I suppose an egg is impregnated and the body begins producing hormones but the egg never actually picks a nice cozy spot of uterine wall with a picturesque view of the fallopian tubes. I probably have all of my sex information wrong because I had American Sex Ed. If I remember correctly, they combined it with Driver's Ed and Square Dancing.

I'm not sure I've even told my mother that story! So why am I telling a bunch of strangers who just want to hear about how poorly Jason Todd continues to be written?! Well, whoever waded through all those words to get to these words, I'll begin now with a picture to reward your patience.

Also Roy Harper Narration Boxing which is a fucking punishment. So, you know, sorry again!

With apology after apology, I think I'm going to get a reputation for being insincere! Unless all of my lying, facetiousness, and hyperbole have already sunk that ship.

Roy Harper isn't doing his normal Narration Boxing where he's speaking from a future place to some unknown audience. This time, he's speaking to Hugo Strange! It's so fucking weird to see Narration Boxing fitting within the context of the story instead of being a strange amorphous out-of-sync director's cut full of explication and over-explication! That sentence courtesy of my nonsense filter that desperately needed to say something.

Roy is wearing a new hat because Cheshire stole his hat. Or made it say loser. Maybe she did both of those things. His new hat says "Taco Robot." Is there a Taco Robot in Seattle? There's a Robo Taco here in Portland which I always thought was Robotaco but apparently is not that.

Roy Harper belly aches to Hugo about how he's losing his friends even though they were having so much fun. Were they really having fun? Were they really his friends? Those are the kinds of questions Hugo Strange should be asking! But he's not asking questions at all which is why I would be suspicious that he's not a real therapist! Instead he's telling Roy what Roy wants to hear! That he trusts too easily and he wears his heart on his sleeve and he's such a great shot with a bow and arrow. Well, maybe not that last one. But I'm sure Roy would love to hear it.

Meanwhile Kory is outside the therapist's office eavesdropping. I'm not sure that's how that's supposed to work! Shouldn't Hugo Strange have a secretary telling Kori to get the fuck away from the door? Even Dr. Katz had a secretary even though she was a worthless jerk. A super cute worthless jerk with an adorable attitude. Between my crush on Dr. Katz's Laura and Parks and Recreation's April, I think I might have a thing for sarcastic women that hate doing their jobs.

Essence appears outside the window simply to pass some relevant plot information on to Kori about how Hugo is selling Roy and Kori out to whoever is offering the half a million dollar bounty and that they're all just pawns in a much larger game and how they've arrived! Maybe these people arriving will be The Thirteen that Scott Lobdell made up as another Omniverse ending threat in a few throwaway lines during the Star Wars issues.

How come people always have time to say things like, "It's too late! No time to explain!"? Can't they at least try to explain using the sentences they just wasted saying how there's no more time and fuck you?

Meanwhile, Jason Todd is being hassled by assassins in the Pacific Northwest. He's in the Pacific Northwest because he stowed away on Green Arrows Heliflipper. The assassins are in the Pacific Northwest because they enjoy the mild weather and the lush forests. The assassins currently chasing him are Rictus (who?!), Lady Shiva, and Cheshire.

But the exciting kicking and punching will have to wait until Hugo Strange's plans come to fruition. I first learned the word fruition from The Police song, "Wrapped Around My Finger." That may have also been the first song that I really like because of the power shift at the end of the song. I first heard that album when I was 11 or 12 while vacationing in Yosetime. During that trip, my mother was reading Interview with a Vampire. This would have been a few years before The Vampire Lestat was published. I wanted to read it because it had vampires but my mom told me I wouldn't be interested in it. I'm pretty sure my eleven year old self would have hated it and completely misunderstood it and would not have even read many pages.

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah! Hugo Strange and the people behind the bounty! I don't know why I guessed The Thirteen when that was a stupid plot thread that I hope everybody forgot about. It should have been obvious to anybody except me that the people behind the bounty were The Untitled! I was hoping they had all died somehow.

Why do The Untitled care about Roy and Kori?

The Untitled may not be the jerks behind the bounty. Dr. Strange looks shocked to see them, so they may have just come back into the plot to add to the chaos. And what about Deathstork Deathstroke? He was hunting The Outlaws for free even though that goes against every fucking thing he believes in. But that scene where he says that was written by Scott Lobdell and Lobdell loves to write about people wanting to prove themselves in combat against other people. It's one of the few motivations Lobdell can come up with to advance a plot.

That would mean Hugo, Deathstroke, The Untitled, The League of Assassins, and whoever put up the bounty are all coming for The Outlaws. And The Thirteen! Can't forget about The Thirteen like everybody else forgot about The Thirteen!

Back to Jason Todd, he's gotten his ass handed to him by Blood Mage and Cheshire and Rictus and Lady Shiva and now Bronze Tiger in his new Weretiger form.

In keeping with The New 52 Theme of making Super Villains more supery, Bronze Tiger is now an actual tiger instead of simply a boring old martial arts expert who is boring and human shaped. BORING! Now he's a tiger! EXCITING! And probably GREEEEEAAAAT!

The League of Assassins take Jason to his new home in 'Eth Alth'eban which sounds like it might house an Elder God or two or three or all of them.

Back in Hugo's office, Hugo scarpers out of there and The Untitled claim they were behind the bounty to keep The Outlaws on their feet. I'm sure it makes some kind of comic book sense if you don't think about it and are simply reading each comic book as they come out and retaining just a vague memory of the plot from month to month. So The Untitled want to destroy the League of Assassins but they can't get inot 'Eth Alth'eban because of some sacred symbols or something. They need Roy and Kori to destroy the symbols to help them get in so they can kill the League and save Jason. Once Jason is back with Roy and Kori and the League is destroyed, the Untitled promise to go away forever. That sounds like a good deal! Rid this book of any Lobdell ideas as quickly as possible!

Roy joins with The Untitled but Starfire won't deal with them. She goes to find Essence in the hopes that with her help, they can save Jason. But Jason doesn't need saving because he's been chosen as the leader of the League of Assassins. I guess this means there is going to be a war or a well-structured debate or something.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is the first issue that I've actually kind of liked in a long time. A lot of plot threads are coming together and hopefully when this story arc is through, we can get some kind of coherent team structure with an actual reason for these three to be hanging out. I'm still not totally sure why they're outlaws!

Wonder Woman #21

It's only a slight matter of chance that you're reading this right now. Not this commentary. The entire blog. When I first created Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, I only did so because of the name. I posted a few lame entries here and there but didn't do anything with it. That doesn't have anything to do with what I was about to say. So, when I really got back into blogging, I was planning on creating an Aubrey Plaza Shrine and Stalking Site. It was simply going to be creepy pictures of Aubrey's face taped onto photos with me in them. But then either I thought better of it or I received a note from my future self telling me that the Aubrey Plaza Shrine didn't turn out so hot and maybe I should look into that whole DC New 52 thing to temper my obsession. And what do you know? My future self got me back into comics.

Unless my future self only sent that note back because the Aubrey Plaza Shrine worked and he met her and they fell in love and the selfish bastard didn't want to share her with me! Well, I'll show him! The stupid bastard forgot that anything I do to myself now, he'll have to live with! What's the quickest way to develop kidney stones?

Anyway, instead of writing about how adorable Aubrey was in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, I guess I'll write about Wonder Woman today.

Getting back into the story, Wonder Woman was busy fighting Artemis while Hera, Zola, Lennox, and Zeke tried to make a run for it. They didn't get very far before they were stopped by The First Born and Cassandra. There's enough family drama to allow Zola and Zeke to make yet another run for it! This buys everybody enough time so that Wonder Woman can save the day. Or at least save a couple of minutes since I don't think The First Born is going to be a pushover.

Oh my god! Remember how cute Wonder Woman was in Mystery Team?!

While Wonder Woman battles The First Born, Cassandra chases down Zola. I think I use that sentence structure too much. While this, that. I wonder if Aubrey likes that sentence structure? Maybe it can be a secret message from me to Aubrey. Every time I use it, she'll realize I'm thinking of her. See? I just thought of her!

Wonder Woman and The First Born and Lennox beat each other up for a bit but The First Born eventually gets the upper hand. It wouldn't be a comic book if the hero didn't appear to be completely down and out at some point.

Trust me: Cliff Chiang's Wonder Woman looks amazing underneath Aubrey's amazing looks.

Orion BOOM TUBES into the battle and begins going toe to toe with The First Born. I don't  remember if Orion is Darkseid's First Born. But it would make sense if he was! It would be like an even match or something. Orion is simply happy to be able to unleash his full fury on something other than a baby.

Meanwhile, Zeke has defeated Cassandra with his little round Orphan Annie Eyes. I don't know exactly what Zeke's power is but it seems to be knocking women out with his baby blues. They're not quite as stunning as Aubrey's velvet browns but that's to be expected being that the baby isn't adorable like Aubrey is.

Orion's Boom Scooter goes to fetch Zola and Zeke to keep them safe by BOOM TUBING them back to Apokolips. Hmm, that doesn't sound very safe so maybe he BOOM TUBED them somewhere else. Like the local Dairy Queen.

But before the destination of the BOOM TUBE is revealed, the entrance of the BOOM TUBE has to close. The First Born is holding it open so Lennox drop kicks him in the face and Lennox and The First Born wind up back where they started while the others end up on board some kind of star ship. Perhaps it's Captain Cosmic's starship and they'll all get to meet T2T!

Except it isn't. It also isn't Aubrey's apartment. It's New Genesis and everybody gets to meet Highfather!

Wonder Woman #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm glad Orion didn't take getting his balls squeezed personally. I know I never have. The reason I'm glad is because now everybody is on New Genesis and we get to see The New 52 New Genesis! Now excuse me while I go marathon some Parks and Recreation for the rest of the day. Again.

Supergirl #21

I usually try to avoid jokes that everybody is going to make. But sometimes I can't help it because I'm still about 78% the person I was in elementary school. And being someone with a name that's easy to joke about as well, I should feel bad and stupid and unoriginal for pointing out that Dick Bonk is a funny name.

Last issue, Supergirl's Fortress of Sanctuary accused her of being a clone. In retaliation for the insult, she killed her home. Or thought she killed her home since her home housed a Brainiac AI unit and those things are really hard to kill. I don't know what happened to Simon Tycho the Jelly Man encased in crystal. He's probably safe and sound encased in crystal on the bottom of the ocean. I'm sure he'll be back. And Sanctuary will probably be back as well.

Kara is currently zipping through space on a space motorcycle built by Dr. Omnitruth. Since the Doctor couldn't cure Supergirl of her toxic Kryptonite poisoning, Kara decided to go on a space road death trip. On her ride, she encounters a gigantic city in space vomiting fireballs in all directions. Normally this would probably be the first picture I scan but it's a double page spread and I'd rather scan this panel:

Diogenes Neves captures the same adorableness with which Mahmud Asrar infused his Supergirl.

The style of Neves's panels and lines are quite different from Mahmud Asrar's. And even though I love Asrar's Supergirl work, I can't be too disappointed when someone like Neves is taking over the duties. I don't know for how long, of course. I never know anything like that! But for now, I can accept this change.

But before the reader can learn the secret of this multicultural city in space (Kara heard a bunch of cries for help in various languages), she has to go visit Siobhan the Silver Banshee two days earlier to say goodbye. Because Kara is dying from that Kryptonite poisoning I mentioned earlier!

Well, to be fair, it's very unlikely the crap is going to kill you. So Kryptonite poisoning still worse.

I don't think that's really Siobhan! Where's her accent?! Although if her super power is to speak any language fluently, then Michael Alan Nelson is finally writing her correctly by dropping the brogue from her speech.

So Siobhan yells at Supergirl for a bit to buck up because I'm sure Siobhan's feelings are a bit hurt that Supergirl hasn't stopped by just to say hi and Siobhan is dealing with a major apartment disaster and a dick for an upstairs neighbor. Besides, Supergirl never actually comes right out and tells Siobhan that she's dying. I'm pretty sure that would induce hugs instead of scoldings about self-pity. It would at least allow for a proper goodbye. But Kara doesn't know how to tell Siobhan, so their goodbye just leaves both of them feeling pretty crappy.

Siobhan with the best line all year. She must have improvised it because Supergirl had to cover her face and pretend to cry so we wouldn't see her laughing.

Back to the present, a couple of aliens are discussing how the big flaming city with cries of help is all just a ruse to lure Supergirl to them. They set up a scenario where a Crix is destroying the city. Apparently a Crix is a monstrous threat but not monstrous enough that Supergirl won't be able to handle it. After arriving and saving some civilians, Supergirl comes eyes to eye with the gigantic creature.

Wait. What?! Why now?! Supergirl finally finds herself in a situation where punching in the face seems pretty appropriate and she holds back? I guess I should admire the fact that she finally realized she had a problem with first impressions.

Needless to say although I'm saying it anyway unless I get completely distracted as to why the fuck that phrase even if exists? "Needless to say?" Every time somebody says "needless to say" they say whatever they were going to say anyway! Shouldn't people just say, "Needless to say." And then everyone around them nods their heads in silent agreement. So what I was going to say whether or not it needs to be said is this: The Crix punches Supergirl in the face.

It then tries to eat her which is the gravest mistake a gigantic something can do! In the first few months of DC's New 52, there was a rash of creatures making that mistake and swallowing protagonists whole, even when they have lots and lots of razor sharp teeth like this Crix has. But the giant monsters seemed to have learned their lesson. Until now.

Why do all of these creatures think putting a dangerous thing in their mouths is the smart thing to do? Didn't they learn any lessons as babies? Oh, this might be a robot so it's not at fault. It's the programmer's fault.

Afterword, one of the aliens comes out to talk with Supergirl. He explains how the entire city is made of a material that can restructure and reshape itself. It's called N-10nth Metal! That's like a bunch of times more powerful than Nth metal! These people, the I'noxians, travel around the universe building scale models of destroyed planets. But they arrived at Krypton too late to get any information about it. Instead, they just collected a bunch of rubble floating in Krypton's orbit. Part of that is a statue that Supergirl remembers of a hero named Val-Ro battling a creature called Dramonicus. Supergirl thinks about the unbroken statue and Delacore the I'noxian creates it. And then he turns himself into Val-Ro and brings Dramonicus to life.

So whatever these aliens actually want, they're using the knowledge of Supergirl's desperate belief in H'el to bring back Krypton to manipulate her.

And then the second alien introduces himself to Supergirl as Cyborg Superman! I don't really know what that means. But I don't think Cyborg Superman is a shapechanging I'noxian. I'm sure he has some connection to Krypton which is why he needs Supergirl and he needs the N-10nth Metal for some nefarious purpose.

Supergirl #21 Rating: +3 Ranking. This comic book has always been far lower in the Rankings than I've been comfortable with. I actually like it a lot but it was too slow paced with the majority of each book being fight scenes. But the character and the plots I generally really liked. Now with Michaels Alan Nelson at the helm, the pacing is much, much better. And I'm still enjoying all the other aspects as well!