Legion of Super-heroes #21

I bet the fifth member of The Fatal Five is a Legionnaire!

I'm sure a lot of people are wondering, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, how do you manage to write such amazing commentary on The New 52?" Well, let me give you a peak at the daily grind!

First I have to wake up my computer from hibernation. I don't know why it's called hibernation since I don't leave it untouched for months at a time. I had a habit of just leaving my laptop constantly running but then my fan started acting up and I realized that was probably a really bad idea. Or, more probable, I always knew it was a bad idea but didn't care because who wants to waste precious seconds waiting for your laptop to start up? So when I discovered hibernation mode, I trilled, "This is the setting for me!"

So after my computer fires up, I unlock it with my super secret secret code that isn't really keeping anybody off of my laptop since I'm the only one who uses it. But it will keep everybody off of my laptop if I die and then nobody will be able to discover and publish all of my amazing works posthumously. Maybe I should make a will containing a scavenger hunt that will lead the players to all of my passwords so they can unlock the mystery that was my life! Because after I die, I'd rather believe people would be super interested in finding out more about me than what will really happen. People will check my blog for a few weeks before forgetting about it. Then every six months or so, they'll remember and think, "Whatever happened to that guy? Maybe Tess has come back!" and they'll log on and find my account still inactive. Maybe a few people will send me emails and private messages that never get answered and slowly even Lord Google will forget that my page ever existed.

Anyway, after logging on, I'll think about what project I want to work on before I look over and see the stack of comic books I still need to read. So I decide to read one of those before getting to my real work and I'll pick up something like, I don't know, Legion of Super-heroes. Then I'll set it down and decide to check out Facebook to see what kinds of mediocre things my family and friends are up to.

After reading a few reposted Someecards posts and pictures of beers and children and another quote about how reading is the bestest from Soy Rakelson, I log off and check out my Twitter feed. God and Ricky Gervais and J. Jonah Jameson and Patton Oswalt make me laugh a few times and I log off. I'm really horrible at participating in social media unless I can type many, many words about myself. So then I check Tumblr's dashboard for an hour or so before coming to terms with my need to read Legion of Super-heroes. But by now I probably have to use the restroom and I walk away from the computer.

Returning a few hours later after being waylaid by a cat or two and forced to cuddle and nap while watching something mind-numbingly shitty on non-cable television, I wander back into my office to see Legion of Super-heroes lying on top of the scanner still in the mylar. So I turn around and yell to my non-certified spouse, "Want any tea from the local evil tea empire?" I don't think that question has ever garnered a negative response, so I put on some pants and head to the local Starbucks because who wants to make tea when it's super easy but it's super easier to go pay exorbitant prices for it down at the corner? On the way to Starbucks, I might sing a little song to myself like, "Semen tree! Semen tree! Semen tree can you see me?" One of the ten different coffee clerks will recognize me and ask if I want two teas and I'll say yes and then I'll sit in the leather chair if it isn't taken and think, "This is nice." That will make me realize I have old man tendencies and then my tea will be ready and I'll go home and finally sit down and scan the cover of Legion of Super-heroes as I check to see if The CRPG Addict has updated. If he has, I'll read his entry and marvel at how stodgy and winning-minded he is as he blows through game after game being annoyed by any whimsical factor present in every game he plays. And then I'll finally open up Legion of Super-heroes.

Big deal! The Persuader managed to kill one Duplicate Damsel! Hopefully it's not the one that's into Bouncing Boy.

On their way back to Earth, Brainiac Kid and his crew realize that Earth has gotten its ass kicked by The Persuader. Magnet Boy declares that they should have left a stronger defense. I didn't realize his super power was stating the fucking obvious. If you see a defense has been breached, I'm not sure how it helps to declare that defense should have been stronger. Elementary School Kid engages his obvious discussion for some reason. I guess arguing about the past is supposed to somehow help them cope with the present and come up with a plan for the future?

Yeah, I've got a solution! How about instead of thinking you're the only fucking fuckers capable of saving anybody else in the universe, how about tending your own gardens and trusting that other people can come up with some kind of defenses of their own? Hey! Then maybe you could have defended Earth! It's always the same, you Imperialist bastards! While trying to control the rest of the world to feel safe at home, you leave home unguarded and vulnerable.

Back on Earth, The Persuader in his hockey mask battles One Hit Wonder Boy and Chameleon Kid on a pile of Duplicate Damsel bodies. One Hit Wonder Boy knocks the mask off of Persuader and realizes his secret identity is the Goatee-faced Dickhead.

"The Legion doesn't quit!" "Dude, your leader ditched you!" "Oh. I quit."

Why do these heroes always listen to the enemy's lies? Even if The Persuader isn't lying, Jo Nah should assume that he is! Maybe while Ultra Boy is using his super strength, he can't use his skepticism.

Back aboard Brainiac 5's ship, Wearing Just a Bikini Lass is trying to save Mon-el's life. Wearing So Many Clothes Maybe He Should Share Some With Bikini Lass Boy offers to help by slowing down some key chemical reactions that Death needs to make a thing die. But no, seriously Chemical Kid, maybe offer Shadow Lass your robe.

Chemical Kid has "a list of chemical reactions to slow down in the medical tank." From that information alone, Dreamy Girl declares it "sound biology." I suppose she might be remembering what the chemical reactions were from a previous dream and doesn't realize that she hasn't heard one word about biology in the current linear time. Or else just telling her a smart guy gave him the list provoked the assumption that it was sound biology.

"Quick! Take a nap and tell me if Mon-el will live!"

Why is Dreamy Girl so worried about her husband that can change the density of shit and himself and his own shit? If he was crushed it's because he was too inept at using his one power. If One Hit Wonder Boy can rapidly switch from one power to the next as needed, I'm pretty sure Beard Man can work his density power instantaneously when needed.

Meanwhile in the Realm of Death, Invisible Kid and Polar Man learn the startling truth from dead Iron Butterface: they can go back to the land of the living but they might die there and then they'll return to the Land of the Dead forever! Oh hey! Thanks for the great information. So the other choice is to not try and go back and stay in the Land of the Dead forever? Great fucking advice, corpsy. I thought this side trip to the Land of the Dead might actually teach these guys something. Maybe Paul Levitz just couldn't think of anything exciting so he tried to make it ominous. Or maybe he wanted to show them in the Land of the Dead so the reader can see that Star Boy and Phantom Girl and Duplicate Damsel and Sun Boy aren't there.

Brainiac 5's ship arrives on Earth in time to see Metropolis falling to pieces. Tharok arrives to help Persuader finish them. And The Emerald Empress is here too after somehow getting out of her Inertron prison. I don't know how she did it but SWOOOOON!

Tharok is kind of a dick head as well. Emerald Empress should share some of that gorgeous hair.

I think Tharok is only there digitally or something because Persuader and Emerald Empress do all the work of dismantling the Legionnaires. I suppose the fifth member of the Fatal Five should show up as a last page surprise but until then, let's look at some of the reasons the Emerald Empress has stolen my heart.

The hair. The flying, destructive tit. That tush. And that joyful, contagious smile!

The rest of the Legion hide within Brainiac 5's force bubble which is impenetrable to the Persuader's Axe and Emerald Empress's Flying Tit. But that's okay because Tharok has the ability to turn it off! He does so and the Emerald Empress blasts the shit out of all the remaining Legionnaires. I have no idea what kind of force power comes out of the Emerald Empress's pet boob but it seems pretty deadly. It's strong enough to take an arm off of Mon-el, so I can only imagine how fucked up everybody else is now.

And instead of the fifth Fatal Five member appearing (maybe Tharok isn't as smart as he thinks and can't actually count very high?), Saturn Girl and Lightning Lad return to save the day! And for some reason I called them by their real names!

Legion of Super-heroes #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm really beginning to enjoy this comic book. Maybe all it took was to see the Legion get the crap beaten out of them issue after issue. Is that the draw? Seeing them nearly get wiped out again and again while suffering a loss or two in every big conflict because they have so many members to spare? This comic book is about to end and I think it's finally getting good. It's definitely finally getting to a place where new readers can enjoy it. You know, if those new readers had been willing to pay $2.99 each month for twenty months before the payoff began to seem worth it!

Legion of Super-heroes #20

But he's just a monstrous baby! I wonder what his first words will be?!

I don't do a whole lot of photoshopping on the comics these days and when I do, I don't usually point it out. I'm only pointing it out this time to say this: whenever an image is photoshopped here on Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, I'm the one who did it. In some ways, I don't use Tumblr correctly although if you're reading this on Blogspot, I'm using that super correctly! Today I reblogged a quote by Bill Watterson because it was simply too reflective of the way I've lived my life to not repost it. Plus, Bill Watterson. Greatest comic strip comic ever. And that includes Charles Schultz and Berkeley Breathed. That isn't to say those two guys weren't also geniuses but to show how much of a genius genius Bill Watterson is. My point is that about 99.85% (I did the maths!) of this blog is written by me, photoshopped by me, and scanned by me. That doesn't mean I'm claiming I do all the DC art and writing! Sheesh! Stop being such a devil's advocate nerdgirl!

It's probably also why I only have like 8 Followers and zero sugar parents.

Somehow the phrase "sugar parents" disturbed me and that led me to thinking about last Sunday's Mad Men. While watching it, I actually said, "No wonder Don Draper is so screwed up!", paused for a second, and then said, "Besides the dozens of other reasons!" Such a good show.

Speaking of good entertainment, I should read something besides Legion of Super-heroes! "Oh! Burnzinga!" he burned, speaking of bad entertainment like Legion of Super-heroes! Ha ha! Double burn!

Now I feel bad for overly criticizing the Legion of Super-heroes. I shouldn't judge so harshly! They're from the future. They don't know how to entertain 21st Century audiences. All of their funtime punchlines are lost in a slew of future speak. Slew means vomit, right?

I hope the Emerald Empress is in this issue! I'd forgotten that I had developed a huge crush on her last issue. I guess that's not much of a crush. In my defense, I did immediately get drunk after reading Legion of Super-heroes #19. So my brain cells tasked with the duty of remembering the crush didn't stand a fucking chance.

This issue begins with Ultra One Hit Wonder Boy, Glorith, and Chameleonic Kid hanging out on Glorith's homeworld. I think this world is one of those super fantasy type worlds where spells are better than technology and fairies are doctors and everybody lives in castles and men view women as their equals.

And people surf gigantic birds amongst the cities in the sky.

Meanwhile, Tiny Wazoo otherwise known as Phantom Girl is trying not to be crushed by the Promethean Giant's giant promethean finger. She's wondering why she suddenly can't find Invisible Kid. She's not very smart.

Although I maybe should apologize since after she wonders that, Invisible Kid is shown with Polar Boy as they wonder where the hell they've gone. So I guess they didn't just turn invisible. It looks like Invisible Kid's power has some kind of weird side-effect that occasionally takes his invisible ass into the Realm of the Dead where they meet some of their old, dead teammates.

Here they meet The Flatulent Corsair, Iron Butterface, and The Great Quadruple Belted Divide.

Teammate is a good word because all of the letters cancel each other out. Does anybody else do that regularly? Like when I'm walking into a store and see the words, "Store Entry." My mind sorts the letters, removing those in pairs like a game of concentration, to arrive at another, leftover word. In this casy, "Sony." In school, whenever a teacher passed out a ditto or worksheet, I would take a pen and begin crossing out letters that matched until I was left with a bunch of single letters. At least having lots of single letters didn't cause me to break down or anything. I just felt like I scored horribly and hoped the next worksheet would be better.

Back on Witch World with Glorith and company, they arrive at The Black Witch's castle. I don't know anything about The Black Witch or Blok (though he seems familiar) or Glorith. But apparently The Black Witch has Mordru imprisoned on this world and the disaster befalling the world is threatening to free him. Since Mordru is Merlin's rival and a magical magic man, I'm going to assume it's the same Mordru just thousands of years later and in deep space. The Black Witch manages to free up some of her concentration to depress Glorith and her gang by showing them Sunboy's empty costume and telling them she can't feel Tiny Wazoo's presence in the universe and, lastly, that Validus is currently eating out the chewy center of the world under their feet.

I'm pretty sure the 31st Century is fucked. It's a good thing this can simply be relegated to Alternate Timeline Status!

Meanwhile on the Promethean Giant where everyone is dying and the Legion is slandering the local sentients by calling them cannibals, it appears that Tharok himself was controlling the Promethean Giant. Which probably explains why the Giant kept poking holes in himself.

I don't think any Legionnaires have died! Even Sun Boy probably still exists in heat radiation or something just as preposterous.

Back on Fantasy World, Validus has eaten his way to the center of the Earth and is about to sink his big old baby teeth into the Gem at the Heart of the World when The Whack Bitch appears with Ultra One Hit Wonder Boy, Crok, Glorithole, and Chameleon Kid. Even though Validus is possibly the angriest and most powerful creature in the 31st Century in DC's Universe, he probably has a weakness when it comes to magic. That's the thing about magic: it affects everyone. Especially when the writer needs it to.

But the two magic people don't do anything but watch as first Ultra Boy THOOOMS Validus in the face with his Ultra Strength and then Blok THOOOMs Validus in the stomach with his Super Tackle. Meanwhile Validus just screams, "RRRAGHHH!" and "RRRAGHHH!" and...well, you get the fucking picture. He's not talking at all.

Meanwhile Brainiac is trying to figure out the Fatal Five's current roster. Tharok, The Persuader, Emerald Empress, Validus, and some mystery guy. I won't even hazard a guess since I know just slightly more than nothing about the Legion of Super-heroes.

The battle against Validus takes a time traveling twist as the magic people finally get their act together and perform a grand illusion! The illusion transfers Validus to another place and time to float in deep space among the debris of a shattered world. It's very possible that they sent him back in time so the regular New 52 people will have to deal with him. Also this is usually where I bitch about Flashpoint but the sake flowing through my veins has made me not care. Also, I don't really know that Validus was transported through time; the Black Witch merely implies that that's the case.

At the same moment, Ultra One Hit Wonder Boy and Chameleon Kid are transported back to Earth where they find the Persuader standing on top of Hormonal Growth Spurt Girl.

Legion of Super-heroes #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know what it is but I'm kind of liking the Legion of Super-heroes right now. It could be the sake or some alteration in my brain chemistry, but it's hitting me just right right now. Maybe I'm just feeling elated due to my crush on the Emerald Empress. It's too bad she was encased in Inertron last issue. I miss her so much.

Legion of Super-heroes #16

Am I the only one that thinks a blowjob chain was just interrupted here?

Why do I always have to be so critical of the comic books when I read them? I'm talking about the non-Scott Lobdell, non-Tom Defalco, non-Ann Nocenti comic books. I know why I'm critical of comics written by those word molesters. Mostly I'm just going for the laugh. I almost typed "cheap laugh" but my jokes are worth every fucking penny I imagine people would be willing to spend on them if I actually were charging people to read them. But I'm not a real critic anyway. I don't mean "not real" in the sense that I don't get paid to do it or "not real" in the sense that vampires aren't real. My criticisms are mostly just wild exaggerations and extraordinary twists of logic spit out by a raving lunatic. That last part is most probably why people seem to enjoy reading them. But what I was really wondering is why do we, as a society, feel compelled to criticize to appear intelligent? I think it's harder to sound smart when praising something because you have to work harder to lift the other person up along with yourself. It's easier to look smart when you've battered the critiqued thing beneath your mighty barrage of insults so it lays smashed and broken beneath your now seemingly towering intellect.

Or maybe it's just fun to tear shit down. Have you ever thrown a rock through a window? That's pretty fucking satisfying on a simply visceral level.

As long as people find valid reasons for showing why something sucks, I'm all for it. But I think people don't realize how much more satisfying it is to read or see something you initially feel you don't like and to figure out what the auteur may have been doing and why instead of tossing out an easy, "That was shit." Here are some of the laziest criticisms that people use to sound smart that I can't fucking abide because they say absolutely nothing: "I didn't like that movie because it was far too different from the book."; "That was offensive."; "That sucked because so-and-so has never made a good movie/written a good book/satisfied me sexually."; "Your point is invalid because TYPO!"; "The New 52 sucks because it's different."; "Why the fuck did I buy this issue? And just when I thought I was beginning to like this comic book. Blech!"

I shouldn't even be bringing this stuff up just before I tear into Legion of Super-heroes, eviscerating it for the sheer pleasure of evisceration. Now every time you read "This is stupid!" in this commentary, you're going to roll your eyes and think, "What a fucking hypocrite!" Although what you should really do is type a comment in that Commentary box at the end and say, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea? You're an asshole!" That would be more acceptable than never knowing someone thought I was an asshole. Maybe I'm just stalling because I don't want to read Legion of Super-heroes because it's so fucking stupid. Did you read Issue #15? All they did was punch dinosaurs in future Barcelona! I think Paul Levitz was too busy that month to hand in a real script so they entered "Legion of Super-heroes" into DC's 1954 Comic Book Writer Simulacrum Program (a HAL-like machine created to write Comic Book Code acceptable comic books) and it spit out a bunch of punch cards with an acceptable Legion script. For some reason, the CBWSP always shoves dinosaurs into the plot, probably because it wasn't allowed to write about sympathetic criminals or sordid activity or unpleasant activity or corrupt judges or corrupt police or corrupt government officials or criminals that never get punished or brutal torture or excessive gunplay or physical agony or gory scenes or gruesome crime or scary shit or lots of blood or depravity or lust or sadism or blowjobs or vampires or ghouls or werewolves or cannibals or zombies or normal torture or profanity or obscenity or werewolves giving blowjobs or smut or vulgarity or secret symbols that may or may not corrupt a child's sense of propriety or large boobs or curvy asses or illicit sex or abnormal sex or cannibals receiving blowjobs or wild sex or any sex at all, come to think of it, or seduction or rape (which Republicans think of as sex so that's been covered already anyway). So all that was left was dinosaurs!

Hopefully Paul Levitz wrote this issue and it will be better.

This issue starts off with Ultra Boy and Phantom Girl and even though I knew it was coming, it made me fucking laugh. Phantom Girl's real name: Tinya Wazzo. Is there a mental disorder where you remain at the same mental state as when you were eight years old? Arrested development? Is that the one? That's the nurture part. But I also live in Portland, Oregon where "young people go to retire" and where the height of entertainment is changing the STOP signs into POOP signs. That's the nature part! Tinya and Jo are discussing the coming election of the new Legion of Super-heroes leader that none of them get to vote for. I guess you're supposed to believe that every member of the Legion gets a vote but really the readers are voting. I hope they all vote for Chlorophyll Kid or Comet Queen.

Dream Girl's power should be "precognition" (with the quotes) because half the time it's just a dream and half the time it's a glimpse of the future. Legion must spend a lot of wasted time on unnecessary dental work when Dream Girl has dreams of members losing their teeth.

I had a vaguely disturbing dream the other night. A group of teenaged Japanese girls were found murdered and strapped into the side of a van dropped inside a pond at a minigolf place. The girls were strapped to the walls of the van in an alternating pattern with the first girl right side up then the next one strapped in upside down and so on. I dreamt the Fark headline was AVAVAVAVAVB+. I don't know what the B+ stood for because I couldn't bring myself to examine the photos of the poor girls. Apparently I was at some kind of wedding for someone from my high school class because I recognized a lot of people from Santa Clara High and they were all practicing for the wedding by singing the Flintstone's theme song. Fuck, I hope that was just a dream and not a glimpse of the future because I just couldn't stand to go to a wedding from someone in my high school class. Oh, and the poor Japanese girls.

Everyone is talking about the upcoming election! It's so exciting! Some people want some other people to win and some other people want some other other people to win! The drama! So much of it!

I'm pretty sure looking suspiciously at somebody through the haze made by a cup of hot tea is against the Comic Code Authority.

Meanwhile Chameleon Boy and Shrinking Violet are checking to make sure Validus of the Fatal Five is still nicely locked up in his Inertron Cube (see cover!). They shrink to microscopic size and slip inside to see if he's nice and cozy.

He seems okay. Now how about getting back to that election?!

Except Validus isn't okay because that's not Validus! It's just an illusion that has been fooling everybody in Legion up until now. It's a good thing Chameleon Boy wanted to investigate Validus up close after they found all those clues that the Fatal Five are reuniting. I still don't know anything about Validus and the Fatal Five. So let me read up on them in the Who's Who!

Validus is apparently the child of Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl who was stolen at the in-. Stupid Who's Who entry is missing a line! That's how it ends and then it picks up with Darkseid on the next line after that! I don't know what the "in" is beginning but I assume that Darkseid was behind Validus being kidnapped. It goes on to say that Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl didn't even know of his existence! So that missing line is really important! And then he was sent back in time over a decade? And he was a perpetual infant? Sounds like he was a very dangerous monster with the mind of a baby but Tharok (the other Fatal Five guy Legion has been worried about) was able to control him. I have no idea how much of that stuff still holds true since this is The New 52 and not the months immediately following Crisis on Infinite Earths!

So the Fatal Five is about ready to start causing trouble but first the Legion of Super-heroes Election is finally over! Everyone has voted and the winner is:

Tiny Wazoo! Yippee!

Legion of Super-heroes #16 Rating: +1 Rating. I don't know what Paul Levitz handed in last time but it was one of the most uninteresting scripts I've read so far in The New 52. This issue was much better. With the Legion, it feels like the pacing has to be exactly right. It needs some action to move the various plots forward. It needs some casual time for a few members to talk about personal crap. It needs some set-up for future plots. And it needs some relationship drama. This one had a little bit of all of those things balanced well. Even though I didn't mention Mon El's sexual harassment of Shadow Lass. I'm pretty sure running your unwanted, pervy fingers through someone's hair is against Legion of Super-heroes Policy on Unwanted Advances Made by Male Members of Legion. There is no policy on unwanted advances made by female members because when is an advance by a female ever unwanted by a male? Especially when everyone in the league is young and attractive. Actually, there might be an addendum dealing with Infectious Lass touching anybody over in the Substitute Legion. Although I'd risk it! She is one sexy spirochete-laden disease factory!