Birds of Prey #21

I almost forgot that Calvin Rose is all dead and shit.

Quick recap: Talon appeared before Batgirl and Strix. Black Canary and Condor wandered off. Mister Freeze escaped. Starling is a fuckbag. And here we go!

This issue begins with Talon wrapping Batgirl up in her own cape and throwing her down a stairwell. He accomplished this because she spent most of the fight Narration Boxing to herself about how odd it was that a Talon wasn't trying to kill her. Take that, you over-thinker! Now Strix is going to have to fight Talon all alone. What chance does a Talon have against Talon? Oh, hmmm. I bet it's a draw!

I see Christy Marx is keeping Duane's love of falling characters alive.

That sign should say, "Coming Soon: Bruce Wayne's pockets get fatter and fatter as many Gotham citizens are marginalized!"

Meanwhile Black Condor continues to look like a fucking idiot. He's bragging about how he knows how to pull a hard drive out of a computer. You're lucky that was a removable hard drive, you douche bucket! Stop bragging about flipping a switch and pulling! Could you have done it if you had to open the case up? Do you carry teeny tiny screwdrivers somewhere on that stupid fucking costume? I HATE YOU! DIE ALREADY!

OH BOY! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TECHNICAL KNOW HOW ON THAT PURPLE HEADED TWIT!

Sorry for yelling. I need a moment to compose myself.

Batgirl radios Black Canary and Condor for help. So they use radio communicators and cell phones? Do they need the phones for long distance communication with each other? Or is the phone for setting up Birds of Prey auditions and gossiping about what Batman's secret identity might actually be.

On the street below, Strix regenerates faster than Talon because she's had more practice. She thinks about cutting off his head but decides to leave him be because she's a pussy. Or she has sympathy for him. One of those. She then climbs back up the side of the building because nobody has given her one of those Grapple Hook Shooters that everybody else in Gotham seems to own.

Talon wakes up and realizes he's been the victim of a mercy living. That's when the good guy shows mercy to the bad guy and then the bad guy yells at the stars for being liars and then throws himself off of a bridge. Except Talon doesn't realize he's supposed to kill himself after being shown mercy and simply goes back to work trying to kill Strix.

The two Talons crawl into a window to fight on some middle floor so it will be harder for the other Birds of Prey to find them. This way, they can have some alone time trying to kill each other before Black Canary screams Calvin Rose's face into jelly. I wish she would scream Condor's face into jelly.

This is what happens when Talons fight. You're dead! No, you're dead! No you are! You are! Pointless. If only Matthew Broderick were here to force them to play Tic Tac Toe two hundred million times.

Batgirl goes off on her own to find Strix while Black Canary and Condor wander around discussing stuff. It's really stupid stuff that nobody wanted to know anyway. They should just keep it to themselves because it's confusing and threatening and it's making me uncomfortable.

Is Dinah suddenly on drugs? What the fuck? Did he use his power to force her lips onto his? I wish she would accidentally hiccup and blow his brains out.

Did I miss something? Was there some kind of chemistry going on between these two? It's got to be his power, right? Maybe besides his Telekinesis, he also has the "Look at My Face and Want to Fuck Me" power.

Back to the Talon battle, Talon gets the upper hand on Talon but then Talon pulls a reversal and then Talon looks like Talon is about to die. But then Talon is about to stab Talon in the face and Talon realizes that Talon just can't kill Talon. So the Talons become friends instead. They rush off together to probably save Casey and her daughter over in Talon #9. Unless they're just going out for burgers. Maybe they're going to look for Mr. Freeze? I don't know! I might know if Strix would say something once in a while! Somebody should buy her some chalk or a pen and notepad so she doesn't have to keep finding rocks to scrape words in the dust.

Birds of Prey #21 Rating: No change. I'm so mad at Dinah right now. How could she kiss that stupid, goofy, jerk? She must still be confused and distraught over Starling's betrayal. I hope that's it.

Birds of Prey #20

Well at least maybe she'll be able to hit something with that gun.

Last issue hit us all over the head with a huge twist shocker that Starling is a big douchebag. Although she's been all over the place in this comic so far. She loves Black Canary. She hates Black Canary. She doesn't know Katana's husband is in her sword. She knows Katana's husband is in the sword. She knows Black Canary killed her husband. She doesn't know Black Canary killed her husband. She's always drunk. She's never not drunk. Okay, so that's been consistent. But now that she's betrayed the team, I have to believe that she's actually betraying the betrayal of the team. Or, you know, she's still loyal. One of those ways was a much clearer way to phrase it.

The issue begins with Black Canary meditating on betrayal. "It's the bread and butter of Black Ops!" "Everybody betrays everyone eventually especially when you have inconsistent writers like Duane Swierczynski!" "Starling was such a fine, upstanding, decent, loyal friend who never constantly accused me of murdering my husband and selling her out to hit squads! I can't believe this!"

Why does she mention being Black Canary? Is one of her super powers to not be duped by double agents?

Strix is trapped in ice and Starling has the rest of the Birds covered with her pistols. I don't know why they don't charge her and disarm her! Nobody but the wall behind them is in danger of being shot. Black Canary decides to talk it out to give Babs some time to cut Strix out of the ice. But talking it out probably isn't such a good idea because Starling actually raises some pretty good points that I'm sure Black Canary will ignore simply because her feelings are hurt. And fuck working with someone who just hurt your feelings!

Meanwhile Condor simply stands around looking stupid.

Black Canary refuses to work with a crazy person like Mister Freeze. A crazy person like Katana? Oh, sure. No problem! She just talks to her sword, stabs people, and blows up hotels filled with guests. But at least she doesn't go around pretending she can eventually resurrect her spouse! Umm, hmm. Now I'm not exactly sure why Black Canary won't work with Mister Freeze! I guess the only reason left is because he has a prick! Sexist!

The lab coats in Owl Masks try to make a break for it and Starling shoots the wall around them to get them to stop. It doesn't work. Also, it isn't just that she's a lousy shot this time although I would have liked to leave it at that if I didn't think everyone on the internet would correct me. Condor uses his stupid mental powers to stop the stupid bullets from hitting the wall. Big help that guy is! At least the walls won't need any repair.

While the heroes and villains battle for who gets to take down the Court of Owls, the Court of Owls' lab monkeys make a break for it. Mr. Freeze traps Condor and Black Canary behind a wall of ice and Condor is useless to manipulate that much ice with his telepathy. Or perhaps it only works when things are flying at him very quickly. And Black Canary refuses to yell at the ice because she might hurt someone. On the other side of the ice, Starling continues to try to explain how they could all work together to stop the Court of Owls. But nobody wants to work with her now because she's a fucking jerk that lied to them and liars need to stop lying already even if it means The Court of Owls thugs get away.

The mantra of The New 52!

While the Court of Owls' scientists retreat, one of them takes the time to phone the Grandmaster to let him know that the mute Talon has returned. The Grandmaster is just relaxing at home in his Owl Mask because I guess they never take them off? He tells her to make sure Mary Turner (Strix!) doesn't leave. So now the Court of Owls' scientists need to stand and fight or else the Grandmaster will be angry. And then it will be the Night of the Talons all over again!

It turns out Mister Freeze is only using his indignity as a cover to hunt the Owls so he can learn one of their secrets, most likely one that will help restore his dead wife that he doesn't want to remember is dead.

It's stem cells pulled from the corpses of liberal babies spawned by Satan in unholy black rituals learned from playing Dungeons and Dragons and ignoring the wisdom of Ronald Reagan.

Oy! I knew it had something to do with Dungeons and Dragons!

Now that Mr. Freeze has the secret that he believes will bring back his wife (probably. Isn't that the only reason he does everything?) even though I'm pretty the process only works if you stick the electrum in a person's teeth while they're alive, he's ready to leave with Starling. I wonder why Starling owes him a favor? What's there a connection? Why does Starling have a stronger connection with Mister Freeze than with Black Canary? I believe it has something to do with all of the Wildstorm characters being written like crap since Flashpoint merged them into the DC Universe. They may or may not have been written like crap before that but I wouldn't know having read nothing but The Authority.

Starling gets away because Black Canary screams at her and the scream collapses the hallway Starling was running through although it doesn't hurt Starling at all. I guess because flesh is malleable while stone is rigid. I think Jesus or Einstein or Kant or Brandi Carlile said something about being more like the willow than the oak and this explains that somehow. And Starling plugged her ears with her fingers, so that kept her head from exploding. The important thing to the story is that she gets away to be dealt with later. And the really important thing to this story is that stupid fucking Condor is still alive.

The team splits up because Strix needs to get out of the cold and into the sun to heal, so Batgirl climbs out of the building with her while Canary and Condor go after Mister Freeze. And then Batgirl and Strix run into a very special guest star for next issue!

Calvin Rose! Okay, okay. I guess the guest star isn't all that special.

Birds of Prey #20 Rating: No change. Man. I liked Sword of Sorcery so much that I'm really disappointed with Christy Marx's Birds of Prey right now. I'm still hoping it eventually gets better since Marx was left with a confusing mess with some really awful characters when she took over. I suppose I just have to give it time! I hate giving things time!

Birds of Prey #19

Intact Freeze Gun. Undamaged Leg. I guess this takes place prior to Batwoman #18.

Now it makes sense that Mr. Freeze was able to leave a message for the other Birds of Prey on Starling's cell phone! How could I not have seen it before? The two are working together. That's the only explanation for Mr. Freeze having Starling's number. Well, maybe there's one other explanation that has to do with Mr. Freeze picking her up at a bar by buying her fifteen shots of whisky and laying down some really strong game. But I highly doubt there are any other explanations! Besides God. God is always an optional answer to questions that can't yet be answered by science or smart people.

I don't know how Black Canary doesn't figure it out immediately though. The first thing she should have asked was, "How the fuck did Victor Fries get Starling's number!?" Then the next question she should ask is, "Is Starling's phone number listed?" And then she should have realized all of their secret identities were at risk because she allowed a fucking drunk to hang out with them. And since I'm tired of this train of thought, let me finish with this non sequitor: I hope Condor dies.

The team stands around The Birds of Prey's soon to be flooded headquarters wondering where they're supposed to meet Mr. Freeze. He left them with a riddle even though he's not The Riddler. If he really wanted them to bring the Talon to him, why didn't he just say, "Bring her to the Starbucks on the corner of 5th and Jackson. The one on the Northwest corner, not the one on the Southeast corner." While they are discussing where to go, Batgirl uses the phrase "mad-on" and I'm suddenly sorely disappointed in Christy Marx. Fuck how I hate that saying. And Batgirl says it with her stupid chin strap face mask. I hate that chin thing on her mask as well!

At least the other thing I hate, Condor, has some important words for the group.

These cell phones are serious security risks.

Strix runs away while they're bickering which is probably for the best. Now Starling and Strix are gone! They just need to ditch Condor and they'll be rid of all the members I can't stand! Of course it'll just be Black Canary and Batgirl after that. But there are plenty of female bird heroes that can join the group! Like...well, I can't actually think of any right now. But I'm sure there are bunches!

The rest of the group all split up to track down Strix. Good thing they have their hacked cell phones so they can stay in touch.

While Black Canary gets some parkas and comforters together for their fight against Mr. Freeze, she reminisces about her first days with Team 7.

So it was just a coincidence that her sonic scream that would manifest later just happened to match up with her Team 7 codename? Not that canaries are known for blowing up people's heads with their bird songs. But you know what I mean. Right?

The team quickly tracks down Strix who just ran away like a scared kid when she heard they needed to go back to the Court of Owls' lab. But to save one of her new best friends, she's willing to be brave and lead the way. Damn. I was hoping she'd simply disappear.

I understand that "Birds of Prey" is also a pun on the slang term of "bird" meaning female which is why the team is traditionally all women. But I think it's time for Black Canary to fire everybody and have an all male Birds of Prey team! Because there aren't enough male-dominated super groups out there! Plus the women have had their chance in this Reboot and they couldn't pull it off with Duane writing their exploits. But now that a female is writing the comic book, she should fill the team with males! It all balances out perfectly. Maybe the name can be changed to Cocks of Prey! And it could become a slapstick horror thriller erotica mystery tale!

I'd fucking buy that.

Anyway, they're off to find Starling!

Fucking Bruce Wayne. Just think how many homeless people he created with this new fucking project to make money on turning another district of Gotham into a swanky, high-priced condominium hellhole.

On the way, Black Canary describes her fishnet technology to Condor. I have a feeling she's exaggerating a bit when she describes them as "kevlar-carbon-fiber-polymer mesh with self-repairing nanobots". Really, Black Canary? You have nanobots crawling about your under things? I think that's creepy. Or sexy? No, no. Definitely creepy.

When the team arrives at the Court of Owls' lab, they only find two Owl Scientists experimenting on the corpse of a young woman that had jumped into a river. No sign of Freeze or Starling which is when Batgirl realizes what just happened. Mr. Freeze was looking for information that the Talons were not giving up: the location of this lab. So he tricked the Birds and Strix into leading him to the place. Very nice, Mr. Freeze! A+ on the Super Villainry!

Hmm. Now I just wonder who Mr. Freeze was working with last issue!?

Of course this deteriorates into a brawl immediately. And even though Mr. Freeze has a gun that sprays ice all over the place in every direction and could fill the entire room in next to no time, he still begins to lose and calls out for help from his big surprise twist sidekick!

Surprise! What a twist!

Birds of Prey #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. Starling's loyalties have just been all over the place in this comic book so far. But if she is working with Waller, then maybe Waller has Mr. Freeze on a bit of a leash and the whole plan is to deal with some Court of Owls' shit. Here's hoping that this story arc kills the current roster and we get a fresh direction from this comic book soon.

Birds of Prey #18

No more Turds of Prey! That was Duane Swierczynski's mark of shame. Christy Marx needs to earn a Shame Title on her own!

Last issue didn't matter because the one constant in Duane Swierczynski's writing was that nothing that happened ever affected anything else. That being said, I hope Christy Marx clears up what happened to Poison Ivy!

I read somebody's thoughts on Christy Marx's version of Birds of Prey and she said, "I just finished reading Christy Marx’s first issue of Birds of Prey, and you know what? I barely noticed a difference." That's a fucking insult if I ever read one! It also has me worried! I sure hope Christy Marx doesn't treat the Birds the way Duane was treating them! I think she meant that Christy is going to run with the story and history that Duane put down. That's fine. That's actually a good-writer thing to do. And since Amethyst in Sword of Sorcery has been a lot of fun, I'm really looking forward to this change in writers.

I'd say it can't get any worse but DC has burned me before!

The issue begins with Mr. Freeze torturing a well mustachioed Talon. He's not limping or anything, so this story must take place before Batwoman. When the Talon won't tell Mr. Freeze what he wants to know, Mister Freeze has his unknown partner dispose of him however he'd like. The unknown person would like to put a couple of barrels of buckshot in the Talon's head. Oh, which he does! Just in case that wasn't totally clear.

So Mr. Freeze is actually cleaning up some of these Talons and Batwoman goes and fucks with him when he wasn't actually doing anything else? Plus he helped fight against Medusa (or so he claims!). Plus he helped fight against The Rotten Justice League in Rotworld! Doesn't that count for anything? But that's all over. Now Mr. Freeze is going to go after Strix for answers. And that will cause trouble which might give Batwoman a good reason to have gone after him, even if Batwoman doesn't know that that reason exists.

The first scene with the Birds of Prey feels right. This book might be on the right track! Even the Narration Boxes act as Thought Bubbles instead of weird out-of-time commentary!

Why does Batgirl have that chin thing?! That isn't normal, is it? Get rid of it! It's ugly! Is she slowly stealing Midnighter's look?

Things slowly get worse. But mostly due to the art, I think. Strix throws Condor into a mirror during a sparring match. The art shows Condor fifteen feet away from the mirror according to his reflection when he's actually only about three feet away from it. Then Black Canary lectures Strix for being out of control which pisses off Strix and they tussle. The punching bag that ends up spilling sand all over the gym is shown all over the place and at crazy heights in every shot. Maybe the artists are still drawing to Duane's world where no panels relate to any other panels. And then Batgirl still wishes Strix can talk to them even though Strix can write. Get her an iPad already!

Instead Strix has to write "hungry" on the wall with a piece of her own shit.

Condor offers to cook omellettes for everyone. Yay! Condor has found his place in the group as the chef and caretaker of the Birds of Prey secret headquarters! I would really love that. I don't actually like him being on the team. But as the Chef/Butler/Maid/Manservant/Security of the team? Perfect fit!

Afterward, Starling gets angry at Black Canary and storms out. Oh, she'll be back! Amanda Waller isn't going to let her go that easily.

Black Canary also takes off so that she doesn't have to deal with anybody. I'm beginning to wonder why she started this team in the first place? She doesn't get along with anybody! At least not for more than a few pages. Dinah ends up in a coffee shop where she meets an elderly woman who mentions that she used to order her coffee in this place during Prohibition when they'd sneak hooch into her drink. My first thought was, "What the fuck? Is she a hundred years old?" Turns out she's ninety-nine years old! I hope she's the newest member of the Birds of Prey! And luckily she's a black woman because Dinah Lance needs some advice!

There's nobody wiser than a really elderly black woman! Except maybe a blind elderly black woman! I'm pretty sure the reason Luke didn't recognize Yoda on Dagobah was because he was expecting an old gray haired black woman in a rocking chair sipping her tea.

After Dinah's lesson in inner peace and tranquility, she returns to the Birds of Prey Secret Headquarters. Everybody is there, even Starling, because they all got texts from Black Canary to meet back at Headquarters. But Black Canary didn't send a text! And then it becomes apparent that I was entirely mistaken when I've been calling the headquarters secret!

Black Canary and Strix seem to be getting along just fine now.

Mr. Freeze obviously wants the Talon. Silly rabbit! Strix are for kids! I told you I'd eventually say that! But the warning was a long time ago, so you probably weren't adequately prepared for the awfulness of it. I'll give you a moment to recover before we get back to the story.

...

Okay then! Starling also has some really horrible jokes to share as well!

You've got to admire her horrible joke ability! Mr. Freeze interrupts her first crack and she doesn't miss a beat thinking up another!

Mr. Freeze must not know anything about Starling or he wouldn't have wasted his time attacking her first. Her bullets weren't going to hit anything except the wall behind him anyway. Black Canary gets frozen next because she has the ability to scream her way out of the ice. You know, if she was encased with some air in her lungs. Oh man. If she just got finished breathing out, she's fucked! But Condor is on it! He's done sweeping up and mopping, so now he can do some security! He uses his telekinesis to smash the punching bag (the one piece of gym equipment Black Canary can apparently afford) into Mr. Freeze's head.

What is wrong with these heroes?! They do see that he has a helmet on, right? Do they just assume it's easy break glass? As if he would wear something on his head that would shatter from anything less than Batman's fist? Amateurs! In this book and Batwoman!

Mr. Freeze sprays his misty load all over the room and then escapes with Starling since she was the only Bird unable to defend herself. But he sends the Birds a text message on Starling's cell phone she left behind, demanding they meet him later and to bring the Talon. I have a feeling he needs some information on resurrection to help his wife Nora.

Birds of Prey #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic deserves a boost simply because Duane is gone. But I don't care about that shit. Let's talk about super heroes and their cell phones! Do they all have two cell phones? One for the secret identity and one for the super hero? In one Superman issue, Superman answered Clark Kent's phone while in Smallville when he was supposed to be in Metropolis. Isn't that careless? And how else do super heroes get in contact with each other? Where do they leave their super hero cell phones when they're in their secret identity. That can't keep it on them or anywhere near their real home, right? Can't people trace those things or track their GPS? I liked my Super Hero Universe better before cell phones!

Turds of Prey #17

OF HER BOWELS!

I look at this comic book and I feel like a disappointed parent watching all of their hopes and dreams of the future flushed down the toilet by their selfish kid squandering all of her potential. This comic book could be so much more than panel after panel of characters performing actions that are not based on previous panels and project no causality onto future panels. The Birds search out a mastermind's hideout and suddenly find their minds wiped and they're out in an alley. Do they investigate and find out what happened? No. They just go about their business. Katana hacks Poison Ivy allegedly to death at the end of one comic and how do the Birds deal with the consequences? Nobody ever mentions it again. Ever. Black Canary watches Katana hack thugs to death with her sword as Starling puts bullets in people's chests one page, and the next page Black Canary is demanding that they don't kill. This comic book is like 95% of teenagers in their parents' eyes: a confusing mess. I wonder if the comic book looks at me as a stodgy old fart that can't get with the times, reliving his glory days while seeming to be a complete failure in the comic book's eyes. Boy, I'm sure glad I decided never to have comic books!

Last issue ended with Black Canary blowing up a power station with her Canary Cry. This happened because Kurt Lance has the power to magnify other people's powers and he's been hanging out in Gotham lately. So he must be close enough to screw with her powers. Although proximity might not matter with these two because I'm pretty sure Black Canary lost control in Japan as well when Kurt wasn't anywhere near her. This power station was also a Basilisk headquarters. I think. It might not matter since, as I explained earlier, this comic book has no sense of causality.

What is Catwoman doing robbing a jewelry store? According to Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, she doesn't steal that stuff anymore, having undergone "aversion therapy" to gems and jewelry due to her Eclipso Gem Heist.

Even though Black Canary's Sonic Scream can explode heads and destroy property, somehow Batgirl and Condor couldn't hear Black Canary's super out-of-control cry which destroyed the building. They go on assuming Basilisk set off their bomb. But Starling knows it was Canary's fault! And so does Strix who immediately attacks her. Fuck. I thought they got past this bullshit last issue. Now I just have to hope it's over quickly instead of wasting a quarter of the comic book.

The fight is over in only two pages but it allows for conflict between other members of the group which is the only way DC seems to utilize Super Hero teams.

DC Comic Book Fans: "You know what would be exciting? If the Justice League fought the Legion of Doom!"
DC Comics: "You know what you're going to get? Wonder Woman fighting Green Lantern!"
DC Comic Book Fans: "Well, after that's cleared up, maybe they can fight Despero!"
DC Comics: "Nope! After that, it's Superman and Wonder Woman versus the rest of the Justice League!"
DC Comic Book Fans: "What about Starro? That could be a big crossover event!"
DC Comics: "But wait! You haven't heard our plans for when everyone goes after Batman!"
DC Comic Book Fans: "I wonder what's going on in the Fantastic Four?"

Strix and Black Canary's little brawl gives them a chance to, once again, not talk about what happened with Poison Ivy.

Does not talking make Strix super wise and insightful?

Why are the Birds of Prey even a team? Starling mistrusts Black Canary and is constantly ragging on her about how Dinah possibly murdered her husband. Well, I guess Starling is on the team because she's in Amanda Waller's back pocket. But why is Batgirl with them? She and Black Canary have been arguing membership since the beginning. Black Canary hates killing but Starling uses guns. So why does Black Canary keep her around? Batgirl didn't want to join the team because crazy plant lady was one of them but she stuck around anyway. And now she's brought a known killer and loose cannon onto the team! And why the fuck is the Talon joining? Loneliness? I'd be more appreciative of a team that got along than one that's constantly bickering. And people wonder why the fuck I like Worlds' Finest so much! It's a fucking treat to see two heroes that love and respect each other and have a good fucking time just hanging out!

As the team bickers, the bad guys begin crawling out of the rubble.

Oh, so the bad guys can hear and recognize Canary's Sonic Scream but ever-vigilant, Batman-trained Batgirl is clueless? Fuck you, Duane.

Luckily the bad guys came prepared with the stupidest techno-gadgets this side of a Mr. Terrific comic book: HEARTSTOPPERS! They're floating balls that scan for human hearts. When they find one, they lock on to the person's chest and shock the shit out of them until they flatline and die. I don't know. This just sounds like someone in Basilisk R & D has a little too much free time on their hands. "What's the most ridiculous and convoluted contraption I can come up with to kill another human being? And the only way it wouldn't work is if one of our enemies did not have a beating heart! But oh ho ho! How likely is that to happen?! Amirite?!" But it just so happens they've deployed the Heartstoppers just when the Turds of Prey have recruited a member without a heart! Oh the humani-irony!

Black Canary's big plan is for everyone to take cover! But Batgirl asks, "Cover -koff koff-...sure... but where?"

Meanwhile behind cover, Starling is secretly speaking with Amanda Waller on her phone. There's a bunch of back and forth about Starling not having been hired to think but then Starling also being in debt to Waller so it sounds less like Waller hired Starling and more like Waller coerced and/or blackmailed Starling into being a gigantic traitor. When will the "big twist" pendulum swing back the other way and readers will begin to be surprised when a member of a super hero team ISN'T a traitor or spy?

While Condor keeps the Heartfuckers at bay with his telekinetic powers, a team of gun crazy government maniacs shows up to begin shooting at whatever the hell they want to shoot at. Luckily the person they shoot is Strix as she roundhouses a Heartstopper to death. Black Canary looks at the broken Heartraper and says, "Gee whiz, guys! This is Basilisk tech which means someone must be nearby and alive and controlling these things! Because, hee hee, I'm sure they aren't automated! Amirite? Tee hee!" Batgirl and Condor run off to find the guy with the remote, leaving Black Canary and Talon alone together. You know? As a test! To see if they can get along! Nobody seems to care where Starling is.

But the Talon decides she'd rather team up with a Heartstopper.

Batgirl and Condor take out the guy with the remote which kills the drones which means Black Canary will never know if Strix meant to do her harm or not! Who needs a team where the members actually trust each other? Fuck that. Where's the fun? So the mission wraps up with a bunch of captured Basilisk members and, probably, a bunch of dead ones in the rubble created by Canary's Cry. And just like a really good terrible comic book, it ends on the person with a drinking problem making a "joke" about drinking!

How many issues of starring in a really shitty comic constitutes "hitting rock bottom"?

Turds of Prey #17 Rating: -1 Ranking. I think I pointed out everything that was wrong with this issue already. If I went on now, it'd just be to cruelly hurt Mr. Swierczynski's feelings. And I like to pretend that I don't engage in that sort of juvenile display.

Turds of Prey #16

Last issue ended with Batgirl bringing the female Talon to join the team. This issue's cover? They're fighting the Talon!

My guess is that the Talon is punching Babs in the face because the Talon thought Batgirl was bringing her to join a well-written team. But her reasoning will have to remain a mystery because she's mute and can't tell anyone. I guess if she can do sign language and her reasons have to do with cookies, goats, and helicopters, I'll be able to understand her. I guess I know the signs for cats and raccoons as well!

How long do you think it'll be before I make a "Strix are for kids" joke? Probably fairly soon. I might even tell the joke three or four times! Get ready!

Black Canary and Starling are ready to fight the Talon even though the Talon is just sitting in the background stroking her pudendum.

If only there were a rabbit masturbating, I could tell my joke!

Batgirl urges her fellow Turds to try Strix out. They might like it. But they know they're in a Duane Swierczynski comic. They're right to be suspicious.

Please. If she were in a fugue state, she'd currently be Balthazar Getty.

Black Canary and Starling find it easier to believe that Batgirl is out of her fucking mind than to believe that the Talon that isn't currently trying to kill them because she's masturbating on a building ledge isn't going to start trying to kill them at any moment. I think that sentence made sense. If it didn't, you can rewrite it yourself and pretend that's what I wrote. Help me out and do some work, why don'cha? Sheesh. Do I have to read this crappy comic all by myself?

Am I the only one that reads "Strix" as "Str-nine"? I also read Netflix as "Netfiftynine." I also read the old Jack in the Box logo as "Jack in the Bejesus" because the "o" and the "x" merge and look like a Jesus fish. Did you know that if you write Christmas multiple times along the horizontal and then write it along the vertical making a big grid pattern of the word CHRISTMAS over and over again (like you probably see on wrapping paper and gift bags around the holidays), It says "SHIT" over and over again on the diagonal? People must see that, right?

S C H R I S T M A S C H R I S T M A
C H R I S T M A S C H R I S T M A S
H R I S T M A S C H R I S T M A S C
R I S T M A S C H R I S T M A S C H
I S T M A S C H R I S T M A S C H R

Anyway, it looks like maybe they might begin discussing things civilly even though the cover shows a different story. That's because the covers get things wrong all of the time. Maybe it's due to scripts changing after covers have already been painted. Or maybe it's just that DC hates their readers and just loves lying to them as often as they can. But the talking never happens because an unexpected guest (no, actually, he was expected) arrives!

Okay. I admit it, Duane. I chuckled at the idiot ex machina line.

Now I don't know why Condor decided he needed to smash into Strix. Perhaps it was an accident? I guess everybody has heard of the Talons at this point and the big, brave man thought he was saving the little women. Whatever the reason, I can't forgive him. Because now I suddenly have to sit through twenty pages of a fight caused by a misunderstanding that simply delays the Turds accepting Strix as their new member.

Obligatory paragraph where I wonder why nobody ever talks about what happened between Poison Ivy and Katana.

Obligatory panel with people falling off of a building.

Holy shit! I think Grunion Guy's "50 Birds of Prey" fanfic is coming true!

It's about this point when I'm distracted by the advert for the second trade paperback for Snyder's Batman. This is the review quote from popmatters.com: "Batman has become a showcase for the possibility of the literary and the explosive to be paired as equals." WTF? Fucking bullshit. Reviewers so love the taste of their own cum. How come DC isn't tapping me for review quotes?! I can wank all over myself too, DC! "Batman captures the feelings of a young man's first tour of duty in the jungles of 'Nam when he first encountered the dizzying relationships of Edith Wharton's "Age of Innocence" in the quiet, desperate humidity filled times between the chaotic rush of seconds-filled gunfire that lasted eternities. But even while praying that each muffled bullet he heard fired wouldn't end his short life, he couldn't forget the heartbreaking choice of Newland Archer that was destined to be wrong because he'd always love the fantasy of the woman he didn't choose more than the reality of the woman he married. Yeah. Batman is like that." Was that too long for a review quote? I guess once I start jerking off to my own words, I just can't fucking get enough. I should make a picture of my quote so that everyone can print it and paste it in their comic books over the popmatters' quote. Unless you like their quote better! If you do, you can stop reading right now and never find out what happens to the Turds of Prey!

Still here? Good choice!

Hold on a second! Black Canary wants to interrupt me with an insightful insight!

Says the Turd of Prey that wanted to kick Strix in the tits a few panels ago.

Meanwhile somewhere above Gotham (that's what Duane said in his meanwhile box! Apparently the Birds of Prey were on the tallest building in Gotham for Strix's interview), Starling tells Condor that his masculine bullshit damsel saving tune doesn't fly in a Birds of Prey comic book! It's just a lot of squawking and feather displays! When he drops birdshit like that, he just lays an egg and it makes him look like a cock that's hard to swallow. I think I might be ostriching the bird jokes a bit so I'll shut my flapping beak. Anyway, I should be making turd jokes not bird jokes! I'm so stupid!

Starling pulls off Condor's wings to get even with him for dropping her off the building in Yokohama. Ha ha! He'll be sorry for doing that when they both splatter on the streets of Gotham.

Or on the same roof Starling tackled Condor off of. I guess he flew them about for awhile which is why they were so far above all the other buildings. Pretend you didn't witness me interpret a comic book incorrectly. This'll be our little secret, okay? I'm sure you're the only one reading this stupid commentary anyway. Nobody else cares what's happening in this shitty comic book that I wish were better because it's the Birds of Prey! Come on! I want a well-written Birds of Prey comic book! Maybe DC can put out another one as one of The New 52 and call it, "The Well-Written Birds of Prey!"

Before Starling and Condor fall on Strix's head and piss her off even more, Batgirl gives a description of The Turds of Prey to Strix. She says, "We band together to take on the threats that no one else can." [Trigger warning: Sexist Jokes Ahead] What fucking threats are those? Severe cramping? An all female group of villains called the Harem Syndicate? Skinny jeans that cause saddle bags? Male dominated super hero groups that don't think twice about a roster full of men but always have to ask why the Turds won't put a man on their team? That last one was because everyone who read the Trigger Warning expected Sexist Jokes all aimed at women and then BOOM! I turned it around and called out men for their bullshit! Oh yeah! Touchdown dance! Or whatever you call the dance a woman does after her first menstruation! I never learned the name of that dance because I was never allowed to see the girl's filmstrip in fifth grade.

Everyone decides to play nice since they still have ten pages of comic book left to deliver an actual story. Condor knows where some Basilisk guys are that Black Canary wants to kick in the balls, so she allows him to tentatively join the Birds of Prey as their token male member. But only because he has a bird name!

I said male member.

It's too bad Strix doesn't talk because she can't participate in the zany back and forth dialogue that the other members engage in. I think I liked the ten pages where they weren't talking and they were simply punching each other in the noses.

As they break into the place where the Basilisk guy is demonstrating a device that will cut power to all of Gotham, Black Canary has one of her Kurt Lance Power Surges and blows a fucking hole in the Basilisk hideout. This sets off the power grid sucking bomb, sending Gotham into the dark. And just when the Mother of All Monsters is climbing into the city! The best part about the accident is that Starling is knocked out and finally fucking shuts up.

Turds of Prey #16 Rating: No change. I keep hoping this comic book will suddenly be worth reading but it never is. It's too bad that an all-female team is relegated to making bad all female-team jokes instead of just being a kick ass team. They even give Condor a hard time because he's male trying to worm his way onto their team. They should be giving him a hard time because he's an asshole and not worth having. And I don't know what value Strix is going to be. I guess her undead assassin personality should fit right in with the other block of wood personalities Swierczynski has given the other members of the team. Except for Starling. She's a right pistol, ain't she? Fucking annoying dick.

Birds of Prey #15

This comic should be called Turds of Prey! Although I wish it were called "50 Birds of Grey" instead.

50 Birds of Grey
By Grunion Guy

Dinah Lance sat upon the leather duvet wearing only her panties. Dinah wasn't sure who clothed the duvet in her panties but she didn't mind. It gave the room one of those sexy qualities that you find on the back cover of an NC-17 DVD box. Dinah was wearing her tight fitting t-shirt from Hot Topic that said, "Unrated" across the front. She thought it gave forth a vibe of sexual tension, the kind you feel when you're all alone on the bus and a homeless person enters at the next stop and sits down in the seat across the aisle from you. She also had some really cute pants on.

Condor walked in and she said, "Hello, Condor," because she didn't know his real identity yet. But that didn't stop her from flirting with him. She licked her thumb and crossed her ankles in a way that said, "If I hadn't just masturbated recently, I would be all over your thing." Condor got the hint and went to see if Starling was drunk and horny yet.

Luckily for Condor, Starling was always drunk and horny! He said, "Come hither and let me put my man sausage into your premium ice cooler." Starling gasped at his effrontery and touched it with her left hand.

"I have been around the guns my entire life, Mr. Condor, but I have never handled one that had already gone off in the pants." Starling pulled her wet hand away and passed out. Condor changed his clothes but he wasn't embarrassed because sometimes that happens with men when they have to be around sexy duvets and women as well.

Katana entered and kissed Batgirl right on the mouth. Then they did it in the way that women do it without either of them having a penis. You know how that is! It's really sexy and super hot! It involves lots of rubbing and compliments! When both of them had their self-esteem raised by a good margin, they were done. They both smoked a cigarette. Katana smoked one made of Japanese incense and Batgirl smokes a bat-cigarette.

Suddenly Dinah Lance literally screamed her head off. Everyone else lost their heads too. But not in a gory way that would not be sexy. It was in an exciting way that would be mysterious and make everyone wonder what would happen in the next issue and whether or not tops would be removed.

The End!

Turds of Prey begins with a scene that Duane seems to think is the best thing in comics because it happened so many times last issue and a few times in previous issues as well.

"I don't think there has been enough falling off of buildings! You can't go wrong with people falling off of buildings!"

Black Condor is trying to get this Dagger Guy to talk. But since Condor doesn't really have any reason to be pumping a Dagger Clan Member for information, he never actually gets around to asking him any questions. Just a bunch of "You will talks!" and "Let's try this another ways!" But this moment does allow for him to find out some information that he didn't know he was seeking: Yokohama is about to be gassed or explodified or something and everyone is going to die.

Meanwhile the scattered Birds of Prey are regrouping at the place they ate sushi earlier. They didn't actually have a plan to regroup. They just all think alike and want to keep the action moving. Fine by me! Who wants to read twenty pages of Starling wandering around Yokohama yelling, "Black Canary! Bat-chick! Crazy Japanese Lady!"

Katana doesn't meet up with them because she was kidnapped by the Dagger Clan. Her husband was thrown into a smelter to be killed. And she was tied up so that the Dagger Clan Leader could taunt her. I forget why they're so interested in her. Did they ever have a reason? Knowing the way Duane writes, they may not have had a reason. It was probably just something like, "Katana disgraced us! We must spend many valuable resources and risk many lives kidnapping her back to Japan and torturing her. It's the only way we'll get any fucking sleep at night." Oh wait! I think the Dagger Clan Leader is going to explain his evil plan now! Let's listen in!

Okay, yes. That's the evil plan. But why do you want to punish her?

I guess I could get out the last couple of issues of Birds of Prey to see what I'm not remembering. But they're not worth rereading and knowing the way Duane Swierczynski (I wonder if I make him say his name backwards, I can be rid of him?) has been writing The Turds of Prey without any causality linking events, I probably wouldn't learn anything anyway.

Seeing as how I'm thinking about it right now and so I don't forget later: What the fuck happened with Poison Ivy?! You don't end issue #12 with everyone upset that Katana just killed Poison Ivy and then never mention it ever again! Is anyone at DC reading this comic book?

The Dagger Clan are so desperate to besmirch Tatsu's name for eternity that they're just going to sit down in the sewer with her and blow up with the bomb they've planted. That seems a bit ridiculous. Hey, Dagger Clan Leader, you know you can set up webcam or something to make sure she's still there and then take off to a remote location. Then instead of waiting for a stupid fucking timer on your bomb, set it off remotely once you're far enough away and you know Katana is still sitting on the bomb. How satisfying is it, really, to get vengeance but not live long enough to savor it?

I guess it's too late to argue the point now. Mr. Dagger Clan Leader has made his suicide cult and now he's got to die with it. Unless The Turds of Prey can stop his nefarious plot! Because here they are! The Turds of Prey to the rescue!

And the first thing Starling does is shoot Black Canary in the ass.

Black Canary takes out the majority of the Dagger Clan with the loudest scream she's ever screamed. Not because Starling shot her in the ass but because she had a vision of her husband, Kurt Lance. Luckily Black Canary gave the other Birds some ear plugs that keep them safe from her super loud mega scream while still allowing them to hear each other speak at normal tones. Hey, it's comic books! Why should I think anything is ridiculous, right? They probably got them from Batman and Batman can do anything!

Further down in the sewers, Katana has managed to escape and save her Husband the Sword. While she's battling for her life, Condor flies out from even further down in the sewers covered in shit and carrying the Dagger Claw Bomb. But that doesn't actually help anyone since they're all still surrounded by hundreds of Ninjas all ready to die in a gigantic bomb blast anyway. I think the best way for Duane to get them out of this situation is to end the comic now and then begin the next comic book with them all standing in an alley with amnesia. Fucking seriously. He's done it before!

The writing in this comic book isn't very good. But the worst part about this comic book is that it should be about characters but none of these characters shine at all. They're just empty shells in recognizable costumes moving from action point to action point. Sure, there are some minor shallow differences. Batgirl is responsible. Starling mouths off and drinks. Katana is stern and amoral. Black Canary is a fucking mess. But this comic could be fantastic if it were driven by the characters themselves. Just as a current example because I'm currently rereading it, Shade the Changing Man by Peter Milligan is an amazing example of a comic driven by the characters and their relationships with each other. Sure, a lot of crazy things unfold and they hop from one weird happening to the next. But those things are practically a backdrop to the way Lenny, Kathy, and Shade interact with each other. They are what make the comic book so good. Okay, Peter Milligan is the real reason! So maybe Duane just stinks at this. I've never read any of his mystery books. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he can write those.

I mention the characters because I kind of liked this moment. It's the first time I've ever liked any panel with Starling in it, I think!

Hey, I didn't say it was the best two panels in comics! I said it was two decent panels in this shitty comic!

After this, they continue to run down the stairs to go deeper into the sewer with Batgirl flinging her batgrapple down ahead of them for some reason. I guess she can't fucking walk anywhere. Damn, I didn't mean it like that! Sorry, Barbara Gordon! I didn't mean to be insensitive to your previous predicament.

Katana's big plan to end the violence after the other Birds arrive just in time for a double page splash is to cut the bomb in half with her magic sword. Her husband assures her that it won't detonate. Perhaps he can disarm bombs from within the sword. After she cuts the bomb in two, she stabs the Dagger Clan Leader in the vocal cords and tells the other Dagger Clan Members to knock it the fuck off. It's over.

And it is! It was that easy! I think most of them didn't really want to die in the first place so they were pretty thankful that Katana just saved the fucking day.

I hope Ann Nocenti explains why the Dagger Claws were after Katana! [Imagine lots and lots of canned studio laughter after reading that sentence.]

Once the Turds are back in Gotham, they discuss needing a new member. They don't actually mention anything about Poison Ivy because it must be a touchy subject. But now that they've lost Katana as well, they feel they need more power. And Batgirl has an idea! Before I turn the page, I should try to guess! The person should be bird (or at least flying rodent!) themed. Babs says it's a strange choice but no stranger than Poison Ivy. Could it be the mute Talon that she and Catwoman helped rescue?

I almost forgot about this Talon until I started flipping through the Who's Who covers for a possible female bird candidate. I was on the "C" issues when I remembered Little Miss Talon.

Birds of Prey #15 Rating: No change. This issue was actually much better than many of the past issues. I'm not giving it any raise in the ranks though because everyone is still ignoring the Poison Ivy Problem!

Birds of Prey #14

Is Katana's plan simply to fall to her doom? Same as Black Canary and Starling's plan, I guess!

Is this the issue where we find out what happened to Poison Ivy after Katana supposedly killed her? My guess is that Duane will never mention it again because he doesn't give a fuck if his stories make any sense from issue to issue. He just gives the Birds a little amnesia and moves on to a new plot point. And the Birds just vapidly wander around from action scene to action scene believing they're accomplishing something. Or not believing they are and simply not caring.

I hope Condor replaces Katana as a member of the Birds of Prey because he has a bird name while Katana doesn't. What the fuck is she doing in this group? I know! I know! She's a "bird" in the British vernacular. But she's getting her own comic soon, so it's about time she breaks up with this lousy comic book.

And before everyone flips out that I'm hating on The Birds of Prey, remember that I don't particularly dislike anybody in this comic book (well, maybe Starling). I just hate the way they're currently being written. I want this book to be good! I want this book to be fun and exciting and all kinds of awesomeness. But it currently isn't anything but shit.

It's always the worst comics that have the worst editing. I think the editors can't bring themselves to actually read the finished product.

Some guy recently went through a bunch of my commentaries and pointed out where I made errors. I had to point out to him that I'm not charging anybody to read my crap and I don't have three to four editors on salary to make sure my writing is error free. Also, I never reread my entries after I'm done reading the comic book and commenting. When the next issue comes out a month later, that's when I reread my previous entry and do all of the editing. If anyone is curious as to how many horrible typos, grammar errors, word additions, or word subtractions I generally make, you can read my Blogspot version of this Tumblr page where I never go back and correct my errors! Have at it! Make fun of my horrible ability to not make any mistakes on my first stream-of-consciousness commentary on each comic. No, seriously. Someone make a list so I can go back and fix them! I don't have time to read 900 fucking entries!

By the way, I don't point out every error I run into in a comic book. If it ruins the flow of my narrative, I'll ignore it. There was one in the Shazam story in Justice League #14 that I just let go because I didn't want to wedge in another picture that didn't really fit in with anything I was saying. There have been others. My goal here isn't to edit every comic DC puts out. Unless Howard Mackie is writing it. And then I'm going to list all of his fucking errors, double dashes, dual periods, ellipses, and whatever weird punctuation he decides to throw in the mix.

Oh yeah! The picture underneath the Narration Box with the typo shows two ninjas climbing up the side of a building carrying a large safe. Really? Was the fucking freight elevator out of order?

I guess if they were taking an elevator or the stairs, Condor wouldn't be able to attack them. That would have been a good thing because for the life of me (and I'm not being purposefully dense), I can't figure out exactly what's going on here.

I get that he's attacking them. Then he's almost sliding off of the roof? And he's saying, "Gotcha," when he almost grabs onto the wall instead of sliding off the building? And then the ninjas are so fast that one of them runs over to the other side of the roof after being knocked out of the way and knees Condor in the groin? That's how I read this and if that's what's happening, fuck you. This is horrible plotting.

Whatever the case, Condor beats up the Dagger Ninjas and decides to look in the box. But before he can, Starling, Black Canary, Katana, and Batgirl appear on the roof to stop him. How did they get on the roof? Well, Batgirl swung up on a rope in that way that the Bat-Family does without anyone actually knowing how they do it. That's forgivable because it's usual. But Canary and Katana were in disguise as the Dagger Ninjas. And when was the last time they were able to scale sheer surfaces? I suppose Team 7 training accounts for Dinah's ability and Katana being Japanese accounts for her ability. Starling just appears in her corset. Maybe she was in the box.
 
Condor decides to put up a fight instead of finding out what they want. He has that telekinetic power thing that he uses to make Dinah kick Katana in the face and break the edge of the building so Batgirl falls off the side. He would also probably use it to stop Starling's bullets if she could actually hit anything but the wall behind her intended targets.

Ugh. Condor only uses this dialogue so that Starling can reply that she's currently drunk or some other lame joke that should never happen because why would Condor say this?!

Let's see what Starling has to say about being drunk or shooting while drunk or drunkity drunk drunk when I turn the page.

Oh, well then. I stand corrected! Starling is merely amazed that she didn't hit him although this has never amazed her before in the last 13 issues when she hasn't hit anything either. Well, at least she's going to hit the ground! Bwa ha ha! No, no. Batgirl will save her.

Maybe Condor just pointed out that he likes to get drunk so that he and Starling will have something to bond over later when he joins the group and Katana leaves the group and they're all remembering what a horrible person Poison Ivy was when she was alive.

Maybe some people reading this enjoy Birds of Prey and think I'm being nit-picky. Well, yeah, I am. But this next part of the action sequence is why I'm picking everything apart. Because this is the way Duane ignores every fucking thing going on in the comic simply to get on with the next part of his story. Ready?

Batgirl and Starling have been knocked off of the building. Where'd they go? It isn't revealed by the end of the scene. Black Canary knocks Condor off of the building with Katana now the only one left on the roof. Now Black Canary knows that he can fly, so why should she care that he's falling? Because she thinks she knocked him out. So she jumps off the building to grab him. Once she does, she tells him to cover his ears because she's going to use her sonic scream to save them. But she thought he was knocked out? Oh, who cares. They land safely and he can't hear so she chides him for not covering his ears even though the only reason she jumped off the building was because she thought he was knocked out. You know what? Who cares. NONE OF THAT IS WHAT I'M COMPLAINING ABOUT! This is:

Katana is now waiting for them on the ground with a gun!

Am I supposed to believe that Katana dove off of the building in anticipation of Black Canary kicking Condor off of it? Am I supposed to believe that Katana can break her fall using Shinto? Perhaps she can scale down buildings faster than Black Canary falls? Perhaps she learned how to teleport when I wasn't fucking looking? Now do you see why I nit pick the shit out of this comic book?!

Everybody goes back to Condor's lair to retrieve Katana's sword. And they all lived happily ever after.

Oh no! I forgot about the Dagger Ninja Clan! I was willing to let this comic book be over in fourteen pages!

In the middle of all of this terribly exciting ninja fighting action, Starling takes a time out to give Amanda Waller a call. Batgirl escapes out of a window and crashes to the ground because her line was cut. Katana is captured again and taken to finish her punishment. And Black Canary is knocked unconscious by Condor after they escape. The team is split up and down for the count. How will they overcome such a devastating turn of fortune next issue? How can I even guess when Duane Swierczynski just ignores causality?

Birds of Prey #14 Rating: -2 Ranking. This shit is some terrible shit. I wish it wasn't shit but it is shit. I would like to read a good Birds of Prey comic book and not a shit Birds of Prey comic book.