Legion of Super-heroes #21

I bet the fifth member of The Fatal Five is a Legionnaire!

I'm sure a lot of people are wondering, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, how do you manage to write such amazing commentary on The New 52?" Well, let me give you a peak at the daily grind!

First I have to wake up my computer from hibernation. I don't know why it's called hibernation since I don't leave it untouched for months at a time. I had a habit of just leaving my laptop constantly running but then my fan started acting up and I realized that was probably a really bad idea. Or, more probable, I always knew it was a bad idea but didn't care because who wants to waste precious seconds waiting for your laptop to start up? So when I discovered hibernation mode, I trilled, "This is the setting for me!"

So after my computer fires up, I unlock it with my super secret secret code that isn't really keeping anybody off of my laptop since I'm the only one who uses it. But it will keep everybody off of my laptop if I die and then nobody will be able to discover and publish all of my amazing works posthumously. Maybe I should make a will containing a scavenger hunt that will lead the players to all of my passwords so they can unlock the mystery that was my life! Because after I die, I'd rather believe people would be super interested in finding out more about me than what will really happen. People will check my blog for a few weeks before forgetting about it. Then every six months or so, they'll remember and think, "Whatever happened to that guy? Maybe Tess has come back!" and they'll log on and find my account still inactive. Maybe a few people will send me emails and private messages that never get answered and slowly even Lord Google will forget that my page ever existed.

Anyway, after logging on, I'll think about what project I want to work on before I look over and see the stack of comic books I still need to read. So I decide to read one of those before getting to my real work and I'll pick up something like, I don't know, Legion of Super-heroes. Then I'll set it down and decide to check out Facebook to see what kinds of mediocre things my family and friends are up to.

After reading a few reposted Someecards posts and pictures of beers and children and another quote about how reading is the bestest from Soy Rakelson, I log off and check out my Twitter feed. God and Ricky Gervais and J. Jonah Jameson and Patton Oswalt make me laugh a few times and I log off. I'm really horrible at participating in social media unless I can type many, many words about myself. So then I check Tumblr's dashboard for an hour or so before coming to terms with my need to read Legion of Super-heroes. But by now I probably have to use the restroom and I walk away from the computer.

Returning a few hours later after being waylaid by a cat or two and forced to cuddle and nap while watching something mind-numbingly shitty on non-cable television, I wander back into my office to see Legion of Super-heroes lying on top of the scanner still in the mylar. So I turn around and yell to my non-certified spouse, "Want any tea from the local evil tea empire?" I don't think that question has ever garnered a negative response, so I put on some pants and head to the local Starbucks because who wants to make tea when it's super easy but it's super easier to go pay exorbitant prices for it down at the corner? On the way to Starbucks, I might sing a little song to myself like, "Semen tree! Semen tree! Semen tree can you see me?" One of the ten different coffee clerks will recognize me and ask if I want two teas and I'll say yes and then I'll sit in the leather chair if it isn't taken and think, "This is nice." That will make me realize I have old man tendencies and then my tea will be ready and I'll go home and finally sit down and scan the cover of Legion of Super-heroes as I check to see if The CRPG Addict has updated. If he has, I'll read his entry and marvel at how stodgy and winning-minded he is as he blows through game after game being annoyed by any whimsical factor present in every game he plays. And then I'll finally open up Legion of Super-heroes.

Big deal! The Persuader managed to kill one Duplicate Damsel! Hopefully it's not the one that's into Bouncing Boy.

On their way back to Earth, Brainiac Kid and his crew realize that Earth has gotten its ass kicked by The Persuader. Magnet Boy declares that they should have left a stronger defense. I didn't realize his super power was stating the fucking obvious. If you see a defense has been breached, I'm not sure how it helps to declare that defense should have been stronger. Elementary School Kid engages his obvious discussion for some reason. I guess arguing about the past is supposed to somehow help them cope with the present and come up with a plan for the future?

Yeah, I've got a solution! How about instead of thinking you're the only fucking fuckers capable of saving anybody else in the universe, how about tending your own gardens and trusting that other people can come up with some kind of defenses of their own? Hey! Then maybe you could have defended Earth! It's always the same, you Imperialist bastards! While trying to control the rest of the world to feel safe at home, you leave home unguarded and vulnerable.

Back on Earth, The Persuader in his hockey mask battles One Hit Wonder Boy and Chameleon Kid on a pile of Duplicate Damsel bodies. One Hit Wonder Boy knocks the mask off of Persuader and realizes his secret identity is the Goatee-faced Dickhead.

"The Legion doesn't quit!" "Dude, your leader ditched you!" "Oh. I quit."

Why do these heroes always listen to the enemy's lies? Even if The Persuader isn't lying, Jo Nah should assume that he is! Maybe while Ultra Boy is using his super strength, he can't use his skepticism.

Back aboard Brainiac 5's ship, Wearing Just a Bikini Lass is trying to save Mon-el's life. Wearing So Many Clothes Maybe He Should Share Some With Bikini Lass Boy offers to help by slowing down some key chemical reactions that Death needs to make a thing die. But no, seriously Chemical Kid, maybe offer Shadow Lass your robe.

Chemical Kid has "a list of chemical reactions to slow down in the medical tank." From that information alone, Dreamy Girl declares it "sound biology." I suppose she might be remembering what the chemical reactions were from a previous dream and doesn't realize that she hasn't heard one word about biology in the current linear time. Or else just telling her a smart guy gave him the list provoked the assumption that it was sound biology.

"Quick! Take a nap and tell me if Mon-el will live!"

Why is Dreamy Girl so worried about her husband that can change the density of shit and himself and his own shit? If he was crushed it's because he was too inept at using his one power. If One Hit Wonder Boy can rapidly switch from one power to the next as needed, I'm pretty sure Beard Man can work his density power instantaneously when needed.

Meanwhile in the Realm of Death, Invisible Kid and Polar Man learn the startling truth from dead Iron Butterface: they can go back to the land of the living but they might die there and then they'll return to the Land of the Dead forever! Oh hey! Thanks for the great information. So the other choice is to not try and go back and stay in the Land of the Dead forever? Great fucking advice, corpsy. I thought this side trip to the Land of the Dead might actually teach these guys something. Maybe Paul Levitz just couldn't think of anything exciting so he tried to make it ominous. Or maybe he wanted to show them in the Land of the Dead so the reader can see that Star Boy and Phantom Girl and Duplicate Damsel and Sun Boy aren't there.

Brainiac 5's ship arrives on Earth in time to see Metropolis falling to pieces. Tharok arrives to help Persuader finish them. And The Emerald Empress is here too after somehow getting out of her Inertron prison. I don't know how she did it but SWOOOOON!

Tharok is kind of a dick head as well. Emerald Empress should share some of that gorgeous hair.

I think Tharok is only there digitally or something because Persuader and Emerald Empress do all the work of dismantling the Legionnaires. I suppose the fifth member of the Fatal Five should show up as a last page surprise but until then, let's look at some of the reasons the Emerald Empress has stolen my heart.

The hair. The flying, destructive tit. That tush. And that joyful, contagious smile!

The rest of the Legion hide within Brainiac 5's force bubble which is impenetrable to the Persuader's Axe and Emerald Empress's Flying Tit. But that's okay because Tharok has the ability to turn it off! He does so and the Emerald Empress blasts the shit out of all the remaining Legionnaires. I have no idea what kind of force power comes out of the Emerald Empress's pet boob but it seems pretty deadly. It's strong enough to take an arm off of Mon-el, so I can only imagine how fucked up everybody else is now.

And instead of the fifth Fatal Five member appearing (maybe Tharok isn't as smart as he thinks and can't actually count very high?), Saturn Girl and Lightning Lad return to save the day! And for some reason I called them by their real names!

Legion of Super-heroes #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm really beginning to enjoy this comic book. Maybe all it took was to see the Legion get the crap beaten out of them issue after issue. Is that the draw? Seeing them nearly get wiped out again and again while suffering a loss or two in every big conflict because they have so many members to spare? This comic book is about to end and I think it's finally getting good. It's definitely finally getting to a place where new readers can enjoy it. You know, if those new readers had been willing to pay $2.99 each month for twenty months before the payoff began to seem worth it!

Legion of Super-heroes #18

How's your Level 12 Intelligence going to get you out of this mess, hunh?

The only thing you need to remember about last issue was how Sun Boy was eaten by aliens.

Oh, I guess The Fatal Five were up to no good and caused a massive power outage across the entire universe. That seems to be an issue back on Earth at Legion Headquarters. A huge crowd mob has assembled outside Legion HQ to blame the Legionnaires for the problem. They threaten them. They throw rocks at them. They act really surly! But Harmonia tries to talk them down. Almost hit by a rock? No problem! She remains calm and assures them Legion is on the job. But when a Futurecast Blogger begins asking probing questions about Brainiac's involvement in this disaster?

"No more questions!"

The Legion know who the truly dangerous citizens are! They aren't the ones that resort to violence. They're the ones that begin asking questions. And questions can only lead to answers! And answers are, well, answers are pretty good, actually. Unless the answers portray you in a bad light! If I were these citizens, I'd be even more suspicious of Legion now than I was before I was trying to kill them!

A group of Legionnaires have decided to travel to the planet in the center of the Federation to investigate the power outage. The group is composed of Cosmic Boy whose role is to shout orders, Lightning Lass whose role is to power the ship, Shrinking Violet whose role is to question orders, and Shadow Lass whose role is to constantly point out how much shit they're in. It sounds like they have all the important jobs covered, so it's time to see how everyone is doing on Rimbor.

Rimbor's a total loss and Chameleon Boy, Ultra Boy and Glorith ditch it to head to Glorith's homeworld for some advice from her Magic School Teacher.

Back on Earth, Dream Girl is no help because her power has a major problem.

How many Legion Man Hours are spent researching whether her dream was simply a nightmare about her teeth falling out or a prophecy that they were all going to die from radiation sickness? You suck, Dream Girl.

Still another group of Legion members were fiddling about on the "organic stone" skin of a Promethean Giant. This group was composed of Phantom Girl whose main tactical advantage in battle is to not be hurt, Polar Boy whose possibly the most useful in this group since Sun Boy has been eaten, and Invisible Kid whose main tactical advantage in battle is to not be seen. I have a feeling this group wasn't on a mission in which they thought they'd have to do battle. Perhaps they were on an interplanetary mission of Hide and Seek?

Goddammit! They weren't cannibals! Just like eating a dolphin wouldn't make you a cannibal, Polar Boy! It would make you a dick though. So these aliens were dicks! But they weren't fucking cannibals!

The Promethean Giant they're on must be ticklish because it almost kills them with its giant finger when they start walking about. Good thing they can go intangible! Well, good thing one of them can go intangible! The other two guys are fucked.

Back on Earth, Dream Girl is going to be really sorry she spent all that time having sex with Star Boy instead of dreaming a dream that might have prevented what happens next.

Oh, he'll be okay. The one guy you don't have to worry about when a building falls on him is the guy that can change the density of the building that fell on him.

And finally it turns out that Tharok is controlling the Promethean Giant.

Legion of Super-heroes #18 Rating: No change. Another boring issue. I really liked the last issue a lot and now it just went back to the erratic pacing of a half dozen uninteresting stories. Because there are so many characters to follow and so many threads, the pacing is really important in a book like this. While the creative team nailed it last issue, this issue was just too many boring threads of everybody dealing with having no power. I was almost a fan last issue, Legion! You almost landed me! But I fought too hard and got away. Good luck getting me to fall for your bait a third time. I'm pretty sure last time was only the second time I almost liked the Legion of Super-heroes!

Legion of Super-heroes #10

Is the Dominator inseminating them with his Spooge Stick? Last issue was practically tentacle sex and now this cover is turkey baster rape.

Should I trademark the term "Spooge Stick"? I wonder if I should make some available for sale. I'll post them on Etsy and get some homeless people to pose mostly naked while romping through the forest inseminating hikers. With the Spooge Stick! Hmm, maybe I should think this through better. I can already see my photo shoot turning into a whole shitload of rape convictions.

Last issue, Dream Girl and Brainiac 5 were kidnapped by a single alien because Brainiac 5's power is thinking up stuff and Dream Girl's power is dreaming up future stuff and neither of them have the power to fight back.

Hey! If Brainiac 5 were truly smart, he'd just ask Dream Girl what kinds of things he's going to invent in the future and then invent those things! He should ask her how he solves the problem of time traveling after Flashpoint and then she can think about that and take a nap and wake up with a vision of how he fixes it. And then Brainiac 5 can just do that! Come on, Brainiac 5! How come I'm smarter than you? I'm going to call myself Brainiac 6! And if the problem is that Dream Girl can't know what she's going to dream about ahead of time, just invent that thing that's supposedly been invented already that helps you have lucid dreams! Then give it to Dream Girl and all of your fucking problems are solved while you can play Xbox and drink beer!

I just thought there should be a band named Turkey Baster and, of course, there is. So I listened to their song "Today's the Day." Turkey Baster would be a better band with a new band. I can hear the song that the song I'm listening to should be and it's good! You know, with a different band playing the instruments and singing.

This is the Dominator's Earth Embassy. It is yonic. That means it looks like female Dominator genitalia. Unless the male Dominators have the vaginas.

Spellchecker is sexist. It understands "phallic" but not "yonic". Most houses are actually yonic so this means the Dominators, psychologically, aren't really that different from humans. Their Embassy is womb-like. It is a return to the familiar. Human houses are created the same way. Comforting and belly-like. Uterine. It's only when men begin needing to show power and strength in business that towers and churches and skyscrapers begin to thrust themselves upward, penetrating the once virginal skies. And then the rockets really wreck her smooth blue opening.

Cosmic Boy has decided to infiltrate the Dominator's Embassy so that he can get proof that they have something to do with the abduction of Brainiac 5. He needs this proof so that Legion can attack the Dominator's homeworld without a bunch of bureaucrats and politicians throwing temper tantrums because Legion is supposed to listen to them no matter what because they said so.

This is Cosmic Boy's plan. I think. I don't know if I don't understand it because it's future-speak or because I don't know anything about the Legion of Super-heroes or because I'm just fucking retarded.

Oh! Cham probably means Chameleon Boy (or Lad or Girl or Lass) and the data-vampires are some kind of electronic doodad that steals information. I don't know why Cosmic Boy is so sure that information on the kidnapping will exist in the Dominator's Embassy computer. I would suspect the Dominators would keep all of their horribly incriminating anti-earth plans secret from the Dominators at the Embassy just in case of Legion infiltration like this. Especially when Legion has shape-shifters on their squad.

Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl find themselves captive on Dominion, the Dominators homeworld.

Coluans like Brainiac 5 have neurons in their asses? Oh wait! She meant probing differently. They've just been abducted by aliens though so Dream Girl should be more aware of the connotation of the words she's using.

Dream Girl is going to take a nap and try to envision their future escape (so she can use lucid dreaming to aid her precognitive dreams) while Brainiac 5 searches the chamber for ways out.

This panel is way sexier than it's meant to be.

Speaking of sexy things that shouldn't be sexy, my friend Brent and I invented sexmath. I decided it should be called "Algebraandpanties." This was my equation: 8=D(0). Then his sexmath equation was 69-69=(0). My equation may also be stated thus: 8=D(Y). That's pretty sexy too. Everyone at home should try coming up with Sexmath equations of their own. But remember kids: Sexmath is hard!

Cosmic Boy's raid didn't turn up anything. Without proof, Legion has been commanded to stop bothering the Dominators. But Star Boy (who should, actually, drop the Boy once you decide that full facial hair is your look) recruits a bunch of other Legionnaires to quit so that they can make a private raid on the Dominators without getting anybody in trouble. I'd have to say this is a slight technicality that will probably be overlooked by the Dominators when they realize Legion is attacking them. I doubt they'll look into it, see these particular members quit and thus have no affiliation now with Earth, and so won't declare war on Earth. Oh, but maybe they'll declare war on the Terrorist Threat and invade Earth for harboring Terrorist Super Powers! I can't imagine any patriot can see the fault of that logic, eh?

Meet your new rogue terrorist threats! I mean loyal companions and true patriots! I mean both, I guess, depending on whose side you're on.

Otaki has the ability of "Mindsense." What is that? I wonder if her brother has super powers and is named Otaku. I have a feeling Mindsense is that ability I suspected existing last issue where a person can sense any other person anywhere in the Universe. And with Mindwaji's Space Tracking ability, they'll find Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl in no time. Actually, with those two powers, can't they locate them right now and prove to the politicians that Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl are on Dominion?

Back on Dominion, Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl are being fed on one page which ends with Brainiac sticking a fork in his bed. Then the scene shifts to Cosmic Boy and friends for a page. Then when the action returns to Dominion, Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl have escaped and are fighting a bunch of the tiny slave Dominators. I guess Brainiac 5 was able to make a laser out of his mattress? Whatever happened that isn't shown, they're both caught and put back in their cells. And then Dream Girl has a terrible vision of the future!

Which one? Come on! Your future vision sucks if you can't glean that piece of information!

The Dominators are making some kind of Dominator Caste based on Brainiac 5's physiology. So they can have a Smart Ass Caste. And they're thinking about making a Caste based on Dream Girl. I wonder if they'd end up being hot Dominators?

And that's the end of the comic and the rescue team never makes it to Dominion this issue. Which means the cover is a spoiler for next issue! And the Dominator on the cover is carrying a Spooge Stick since he's take the DNA from the Legionnaires to create Dominators based on their powers and genes. So I think this is probably the first DC Comics' cover to depict actual semen.

Legion of Super-heroes #10 Rating: No change. This issue was definitely an improvement over some of the other issues but not so much that it could win over this non-Legion of Super-heroes fan. Or Legion of Super-heroes non-fan? Whichever!