Batgirl #44

Sploosh.

Dear Diary,
I have so much to tell you that I'm holding in a mega-pee so that I can write this bit before I run off to write the rest of the entry on the toilet because that's how long it's going to take to release all of the pee I'm holding. And the farts. So many farts. But you'll understand why all of the blocked up farts when I finish this. So. Many. Many. Farts.

So remember last entry how I fought a tiger because I'm the baddest-ass bitch in Gotham? Remember how I kicked it's ass but not too hard because it was adorable and I didn't want to hurt it. I bet Batman would have hurt it because Batman is a Bat-asshole. So those tigers were like a total clue in The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. I was all, "A-ha! It was the Tiger who ate the people!" At that point, some detectives would have been all, "Where is my big red 'Case Solved' stamp because this case has been solved?" Then they would have locked up the tiger and went back to eating danishes and lecturing their daughters and trying to bang Batwoman and embarrassing themselves in front of Catwoman. I think that references all of the police in Gotham that are not also working for God. But not this girl with the super fine and tight ass! I don't mean tight butthole although that's probably pretty tight too although how tight can it be when I've actually clogged a Las Vegas hotel toilet with just my poo? I mean, those things must be made to flush dismembered bodies and I blocked one up with just the poo that came out of my petite little butthole! If a guy put his penis in my butthole, would he even feel anything?! Now I'm worried about what Lucas Fox will think of me when we totally do anal later and he'll be all, "Am I in? I don't think I'm in. Is it possible I just stuck my penis in a wind tunnel?!"

Hey Diary? What base is anal anyway? Is that an inside the park homerun? I want to know how to slyly refer to getting anal from Luke when I tell Alysia and Frankie all about it. But not Dinah! I'm never telling that big whore any secrets anymore ever! She was totally supposed to send me a Black Canary t-shirt like two weeks ago and here I am still shirtless and unhip. How is everybody going to know that I was like the first huge fan of Black Canary if I don't even have one of their original shirts with the sleeves and neck cut off?!

AnySwayze, Diary, I should probably tell you what happened. It all started when Alysia called me and was all, "GBG! My fiance has totally disappeared and I don't know the phone number for the police! I know your father is like some police guy so you probably know the number. Can you call it after you've called the bakery to make sure the wedding cake is ready?" And I was all, "No problem! Batgirl to the rescue!" And Alysia was all, "Oh! Yeah, that's a great idea! Can you get Batman instead though!?" And I was all, "How dare you!" And then I went to find Jo because Jo's disappearance was linked to The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People! A case that was just about to be solved!

Where's my big red "Case Solved" stamp because this case has been solved!

The Velvet Tiger had kidnapped Jo and sent the tigers out to eat people! It was obvious by the length of her skirt and the cum stains around her mouth that she was a villain and the girlfriend of Jeremy! She was also way hotter than me. What is up with every woman in this city being sexier than I am?! No wonder I'm still a virgin. I need to move to Metropolis!

Look at that?! How is my toilet-clogging-poo launching butthole supposed to compete with that?! I want to stick my tongue in that and I'm a huge hetero!

So Velvet Tiger escaped under mysterious circumstances that had nothing to do with anybody's incompetence at all. That meant it was time to sneak into Fox Tek to see if Luke was maybe showering or something. Hopefully something which involved his dick being out, like looking at porn or eating a sandwich. Instead I ran into Qadir who had recently received a package clearing his name in The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. The return address was Delphi which meant it was from Frankie since it referenced the name she's apparently decided upon but nobody has yet voiced. Why is everybody so afraid to say we should call Frankie "Oracle"?! What is wrong with us?! It's so contrived it makes me wonder if my own existence isn't just some fantasy world cooked up by some goofball hipster and his sexy old artist named Babs who would probably totally want to kiss all over the fictional blogger who critiques their fantasy publication.

Okay, so the next part is where Qadir and Luke don't fight over me and I don't say, "Hey guys! No problem! Plenty of orifices to go around!" Instead it's just the part where they prove that Jeremy's girlfriend is The Velvet Tiger and I was all, "Pshaw! Way ahead of you! Now watch me run from the room and tell me if I do it as well as The Velvet Tiger, guys!"

Dammit! That ass is cute and all but I don't think any tongues are putting on their helmet lamps.

This part makes my vagina sad, Diary, so I hope you can manage the proper somber tone while I tell it to you. Jeremy helped The Velvet Tiger with information that enabled her to pull off The Case of the Tigers Who Were Eating People. So that's one probably too old for me but I would have accepted it anyway penis out of the running for making me a woman. I wouldn't mind having sex with a guy ten years older than me but not with a criminal! Who does Jeremy think I am? Batman?! I don't need a sexy nemesis ruining my vagina's good reputation!

AnySwayze, I found out where The Velvet Tiger's lair was and ran off to save the day. Of course Alysia was waiting outside the residence because she'd tracked Jo down as well. Is everybody in Gotham the World's Greatest Detective?! How are they all beating me to all the punches?! No wonder I can't get laid! Just like Batgirl, my vadge is late to all the fruitcake parties! I told Alysia to wait in the car because I'd be so embarrassed if she was also a better super hero than I was! Then I took a page out of Batman's Manual of Entering Buildings The Wayne Window and Door Repair Way while saying the most awesome and hilarious line you've ever heard anybody say outside of a Spider-man comic book!

My line was totally more cutting and witty than this but I just can't remember it verbatim! I'm pretty sure I also said "slut" a lot more in the original line.

But that line doesn't matter anyway because I totally kicked that bitch's ass. Also Alysia snuck in to save Jo while I was fighting which was totally okay by me because I got to give her a Big Manga Wink like I love to do! Usually I say it after I say something kind of dirty and don't actually do the wink. I usually say something like, "Oh Luke! Your meat is so hard and savory. Big Manga Wink!" Also Luke probably just said something romantic like, "Babs, munching your vadge is like gargling distilled water infused with saffron!"

Dear Diary, I am not going to tell you about the part where I said "Bring it" because I'm super embarrassed about it and I'm lying about it happening and it never happened in any timeline ever. Period. Shut up.

Also maybe I was fudging the truth about kicking Velvet Tiger's ass. She kind of stuck me with tranquilizer dart I'd already stuck in one of the tigers which made me sleepy and now I probably have Tiger AIDS. But she was all, "Now that you are nearly unconscious and unable to fight in much the way I'm unable to fight even when fully conscious, I will kill and eat you like Cunty McSlutbitch the Third!" She totally said that.

Two cleavers! And I thought my butthole was big!

So just before I died, my Batgirl Cycle (the motor bike! Not the menstruation!) crashed through the window, knocked out Velvet Tiger, and saved my life! The police cleaned up the mess over danishes and worrying about their daughter and fantasizing about Batwoman and I went on to the part of the story that made me hold my pee and farts in for like hours.

Oh my goodness! Who knew the vagina could make so much moisture?!

At least now I know there will be one heterosexual dude at the wedding! Look out, cherry! Here comes Luke's penis!

Batgirl #44 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you don't like Batgirl, you're probably uptight or something. You're probably the kind of person I could call on the phone when I'm about to barbecue some kebabs and say, "Hey! I need some sticks! Bring your ass over here!" Also I probably shouldn't review comic books by insulting people who don't really like a comic book for probably not very legitimate reasons but reasons nonetheless. I should probably say nice things like, "I know you didn't like the comic and that you're really smart and totally wicked good in the sack but maybe you should try reading Batgirl again, you stupid idiot." That's probably a pretty good blurb for the trade paperback! Hey DC Comics? Are you ever going to use one of my blurbs?! They're the best you're ever going to get! None of that boring Comic Book Resources shit where they say things like "It's a comic book that I read!" when they have to review a terrible book by Scott Lobdell.

The Flash #44

Yay Ambush Bug!

I haven't been reading many comic books this weekend because I've been hanging out with Jim Doom from Doomkopf.com this weekend. He came to town to see The Prids' twentieth anniversary show which was Saturday night and probably not nerdy enough to talk about on this blog. I don't think any of their songs were about Wonder Woman or The New Gods but since I couldn't really hear the lyrics, I might be wrong. Usually when I mention things I've done in my life (not that there's much to mention besides the cookies I've eaten or the number of times I've masturbated), they don't actually have anything to do with the comic book I'm about to read. But since Van Jensen used to write for Doomkopf.com under the name "Jean Claude Van Doom," profit! I often begin sentences in ways that I probably shouldn't and wind up realizing I don't actually have anything left to say in the subordinate clause. If my editor hadn't decided to leave me because she can't take the joke where I scream at her that she's fired for trying to improve my writing, maybe I'd actually have somebody to tell me that it's better to reorganize my sentence than to write another couple of sentences explaining why the previous sentence was written so poorly. And I can't blame my writing assistant Pickle Boy since he quit to go work in a sandwich shop.

It would actually be better if the above wasn't true because I don't like talking about how much I hate a comic book plot when I'm practically best friends with the writer of that comic. I guess I could blame all of the time travel nonsense on Robert Venditti. He can take it because I'm practically sucking his cock over in my current reviews of Green Lantern where Hal Jordan is a sexy rebel space motorcyclist who is constantly space rebelling against any space thing you've got. Maybe "sucking his cock" is a bit hyperbolic. Although if I ever run into you at a convention sometime, Robert, wink!

This issue begins with The Flash drowning at the bottom of Loch Ness. My favorite bit about it is how Brett Booth catches the intense pain and crushing fear of drowning in one image.

That was a joke. He catches neither of those things. The octopus does add a certain amount of dignity to the proceedings. No wait. I just checked my dictionary and "dignity" was the wrong word.

Professor Zoom narrates as The Flash saves himself from drowning. It's the typical villain speech about how he wants to kill the hero but first he wants to humiliate him and his entire family and every generation of his entire family and then maybe stop by Popeyes for a quick lunch after which he'll get in some more humiliation. Eventually, after humiliating The Flash no longer does it for Professor Zoom's penis, it will be time to kill The Flash. But as everybody except the guy who can time travel knows, that'll be the one time Professor Zoom won't be able to kill The Flash. Super villains are fucking idiots. You never kill tomorrow a hero whom you can kill today!

Although I guess if you can time travel, you can kill yesterday a hero whom you didn't kill today.

Where did Brett Booth learn to art? I'm having a hard time believing he was actually able to draw that pirate or turtle to get into an art instruction school. I guess nobody ever asked, "Can you draw a man's torso and legs in the proper proportions?! If so then you can be an artist! If not, you can draw comic books!"

Professor Zoom wants to humiliate and discredit The Flash so that The Flash won't become a martyr. That makes sense! That's what the Anti-Monitor did wrong during Crisis on Infinite Earths! He killed Barry before making sure the authorities found all of that child porn on his laptop. Although it was more Supergirl who became the corpse everybody rallied behind in Crisis. I'm not sure anybody even really knew Barry was dead until he wasn't returning their calls after the Crisis was over.

Meanwhile Singh decides to get into a fight with Hartley about keeping their relationship in the closet. It's totally unbelievable because David starts the fight just as Hartley is pulling out a tray of freshly baked cookies. You can't actually get into a fight with the smell of fresh cookies in the air. It's physically impossible. But Singh thinks he can't be a cop in Central City if people know he's gay. Please! Of course he can be a gay cop! He'll just have to endure a lot of not very funny doing it in the butt jokes from all the dumb heteros he works with. And let's face it, he probably hears those on a near constant basis anyway! Guys are not creative when it comes to ribbing each other. It's usually just a lot of pointing out how often the other guy enjoys doing gay things. I think about 35% of it is just being juvenile, 10% is actual homophobia, and the other 55% are soft offers gauging how gay the temperature might be in the room so they know if a little after work dick sucking might ensue.

Oh! He just wants to keep The Pied Piper in the closet! I bet it's not because he's dating an ex-super villain. It's more that he's dating an ex-super villain that used to call himself The Pied Piper. Who was also gay. Inappropriate jokes in the workplace ahoy!

That reporter Iris West is more trouble than she's worth! Doesn't she respect anybody's privacy?

Now it's time for some Wally West action! He's no longer a miscreant abandoned by his parents. Now he's a fun-loving kid who obeys the law who was abandoned by his parents! It's a good thing Barry taught him how to be white!

Oh shut up, you little bastard! The two aren't mutually exclusive! Although if thirteen year old me had had this attitude, I wouldn't be subjecting myself to rereading Marv Wolfman's The New Teen Titans.

Wally gets to take time out of school to work on cars in the Central City Police Department because Wally is an engineering prodigy. Of course he is! He's in a comic book, isn't he? He's got to be the absolutely greatest at something! He's such a good kid now! I'm glad Barry worked all the rebelliousness out of him by taking him to that baseball game that one time.

Professor Zoom's henchmen arrive at the Central City Police Station to call out The Flash. When Barry sprints from the room to go meet them outside, Director Singh finally notices the bunch of papers flying everywhere signifying a speedster just left the room. Hopefully he'll figure out Barry is The Flash so he can point out to Barry how obvious it is every time Barry super speeds out of a room.

The Flash's first move is to say a bunch of inane comic book crap. His second move is to punch Block in the face.

His third move is to get his right arm set before his super healing kicks in and he's left with a mangled, useless limb.

Professor Zoom has some kind of machine that uses The Flash's own speed energy to blow up the Central City Police Department. I guess it also gives Wally West his powers. The other part of the plan is to explain to Iris West how The Flash is to blame for this destruction so that she can do no other research than accepting the story from the one person who delivers it and then print that story. How else is anybody going to know The Flash is to blame for killing all of the police in Central City? Anybody seeing what happened would just assume The Flash failed to stop some super villain terrorist's bomb!

The Flash #44 Rating: No change. I don't know why I'm currently buying issues of The Flash. I really should just wait out this idiotic Professor Zoom time travel story. Although judging by the last few Flash story arcs, I don't really have any reason to believe the next story arc won't also have to do with time travel and be idiotic as well. At least if I stopped reading this comic book, I wouldn't have to look at Brett Booth's misshapen people with overly long legs and derpy faces.

Deathstroke #10

This fight probably began because somebody didn't have enough time to explain the situation but they did have enough time for a battle. Or Deathstroke was paid to kill Green Lantern.

Last time in DEATHSTROKE!

A maniac named Lapetus (a fictional character based on the already fictional Titan of Yore named Iapetus (Was "Titan of Yore" too much? Should I scale the pretend nerd back some?)) was ravaging Paradise Island while Superman, Wonder Woman, and Deathstroke had an easily resolved disagreement. I don't mean the disagreement was easily solved! I just meant that it was the kind of disagreement that would normally be easily solved unless the two people disagreeing want to punch first and second and third and fourth and to discuss things rationally only as a last resort. And since the two people with the disagreement were Superman and Deathstroke, a lot of punching and passing the blame around happened before everybody realized they were on the same page about saving the world. That's when Lapetus returned with his Magic Polearm to destroy everything.

Deathstroke reminds the readers through inelegant Narration Boxing how he was beaten by Superman and Wonder Woman. Or was he beaten? Perhaps he was holding back, he postulates. And then he corrects himself and says, "Or maybe the sword was holding back." See? The God-Killer Sword is now the main character of this book. Without it, Deathstork Deathstroke would have already failed this mission several times over. And Deathstroke knows it, too.

Apparently Deathstroke is a thirteen year old boy.

But even though Deathstroke has a fucking awesome sword, he knows he, Superman, and Wonder Woman are going to have a tough time defeating Lapetus because Lapetus has a totally rad spear.

Just in case the "fucking awesome sword" bit hasn't convinced you that Deathstroke's mind was transformed to that of a thirteen year old when his body was transformed into that of a younger man, here's a little more proof.

I'm so fucking pumped now!

I hesitate to even mention this movie because it might cause some people to look it up on Netflix and watch it, but I recently watched Death Race 3: Inferno and I'm dumber than ever. I bring it up because it's filled with characters who are bad-ass motherfuckers who don't back down and always have some rebellious thing to say. Also they can back up all of their tough talk and never get beat by the opposition unless it's the one time in the movie where the bad guy is allowed to get the upper hand so you can see the raging motivation in the protagonist's eyes. I don't understand why that's the kind of character Hollywood thinks everybody wants to see. I suppose they're selling movies to a bunch of emasculated males who feel they have no real power in their daily lives so they need to live vicariously through characters who stand tall and kick ass and never allow anybody to disrespect them ever. One of the reasons Mad Max is such a great character is that he's not the omnipotent hero that people expect from movies like Road Warrior or Beyond Thunderdome or Fury Road. He's vulnerable and constantly getting the shit kicked out of him. But he endures; he survives. And he doesn't just do so by looking out for just himself. He fights for others. Okay, so he doesn't ever go into a situation looking to help other people. He's just trying to get by the best way he knows how. But once he's embroiled in their conflicts, he doesn't abandon them. He helps out even when, by the end of the movie, his situation isn't much improved except that he's free from enemies once more. For a short while, of course.

One of the complaints I've heard about Fury Road is that it doesn't have a story. It absolutely has a story. It has as much story as the previous two Mad Max movies. It's just that the stories aren't really Mad Max's stories. He's always just an NPC in some PC's campaign.

While I'm busy digressing, let me also say this about Death Race 3: Inferno! The movie sets up the story about a guy who becomes Frankenstein after a deadly accident. Now he wears a mask but he still races with his old crew. But he's not allowed to tell them that he's their friend Lucas. Why? I don't know. Business. Or politics. But his anonymity only lasts about ten minutes (I don't actually know how long it lasted. But it doesn't last long) before his crew find out he's their old friend they thought was dead before they all begin the next Death Race. And then they're all angry at him and feel betrayed. I guess because they're a bunch of selfish assholes (just like the characters on Arrow!). So the whole anonymity subplot has no actual story reason and lasts for nearly no time. It's only set up so that Frankenstein and his crew can be enmeshed in instant drama and conflict. As a Writer (with a capital "W"!), I was disgusted by such an amateurish contrivance! The entire movie was written in much the same way! And yet I still watched it until the end because I love it when I'm hating things. Which brings me out of the digression and into a nice segue leading back into Deathstroke!

Superman attacks Lapetus but is blasted back by either the Magic Spear or Lapetus's scathing insult of "alien parasite"!

First off, there was no old plan. Second off, what other battles can you choose from? It's sort of you guys versus Lapetus and that's about it.

The new plan is for Wonder Woman to fuck off and protect the other Amazons whom she didn't care about back when she let Lapetus find his body parts while she dickered with Slade. Superman is going to go stop the erupting volcano which has already pretty much destroyed the entire island anyway. And God-Killer Sword is going to battle Mighty Piercer (that's the name of Lapteus's Magic Polearm. Maybe). That seems like a fair division of labor. Why have the God of War battle the Titan of Mortality, right? Better to have the God-Killer Sword take up that challenge, even if it isn't called the Titan-Killer Sword. I think that's just semantics.

What the fuck? Is there an on/off switch deep inside? I suppose he can freeze breath everything but wouldn't frozen lava expand causing more earthquakes, open chasms, and general destruction? I could be wrong since I'm no geologist. Maybe there are on/off switches inside volcanoes.

Deathstroke and Lapetus have more of that inane pre-battle dialogue which goes something like "Mine is eight inches!" and "Well, mine is almost seven inches but as thick as a Coke can!" Then they pull them out and touch them together. Lapetus calls his "my beloved sister" which is weird, right?

Superman stops up the volcano with a big rock so that takes care of the high amounts of pressure which caused the volcano to blow in the first place, right? He didn't just cure a symptom or anything. Island saved!

I realize Tony S. Daniel got the name of the Titan wrong when he chose to call it Lapetus (unless the Letterer just couldn't read Tony's typewriting) but he gets the incestuous relationship between Iapetus and his sister almost exactly right! Here's some of the stuff Lapetus says: "My beloved sister, you possess this weapon and guide my hand to victory...". Whew! I'm starting to chub up at that language! But wait! That's not all! "To feel the caress of your power...it fills me with everlasting joy." This is some erotic stuff! And it's about to get erotickier!

Their dicks are touching.

Deathstroke, using his keen tactical mind and immense strategic intelligence, begins to realize that something is weird about Lapetus's Mighty Penetrator. There's something in it that really shouldn't be in it according to everything society teaches us about not fucking your sister. And since Lapetus can read Slade's mind, he comments on Slade's thinking as he works through what he's perceiving. Lapetus's big insult is this: "It's amusing. Watching your tiny intellect wrestle with what is so beyond it. Like a termite attempting to read poetry." Yeah, but what poetry? I mean, I figure a termite can probably understand some of Keats' thoughts on the brevity of life but I'm not sure it would have the scope of understanding to immerse itself in the self-made mythology of Yeats which is needed to truly understand most of his work.

Deathstroke realizes that the Mighty Penetrator houses the spirit of Lapetus's sister. Now if Tony S. Daniel has his mythology straightened out better than he has the names of the mythological characters, this might be Slade's chance to appeal to the sense of justice of Lapteus's sister Lhemis. Or Deathstroke will either try to destroy the spear or just resort to name-calling to hurt Lapetus's feelings by saying his weapon is a bitchy slut of a whoring cunt.

Of course he takes that tactic! Too bad Slade didn't say "Sister. Wife. Whore." Because then he would have been three for three!

How would any horrible comic book writer ever make it through a battle scene without using this tactic where the protagonist gets the stronger antagonist off his game by getting him angry? After seeing how well calling a female loved one of Lapetus's a whore worked, Slade doubles down and says she's ugly to boot! Although everybody knows that's not true! When has an ugly woman ever appeared in a comic book?!

Slade uses his God-Killer Sword to slice the Mighty Penetrator in two even though it's not called the Spear-Killer Sword. I guess it's okay since the spear was full of the essence of a Titan. So close enough.

Thanks to getting Lapetus angry, Deathstroke is able to kill him. That's why Deathstroke doesn't care about Rose and What's-His-Name. Because if he truly did instead of just acting like he does, he'd open himself up to somebody else using this blind rage tactic! He'd be mincemeat in no time! He'd probably battle Nightwing and Nightwing would be all, "I met Rose once. She's really a sweet and caring kid when you give her a chance. No way could she actually be your child." And then Slade would be all, "RRRARRRAAAAAGGGHGGHGHH!" Then Nightwing would be all, "I spent a lot of time fighting by the side of Joseph. Never met anybody who cared more about the feelings of other people than that kid. Joseph was great. Again, how is that your kid?" And Slade would be all, "Who is Joseph? What are you talking about?"

With Lapetus dead, everybody celebrates and claim Deathstroke is a hero! National Deathstroke Day becomes celebrated on "Paradise" Island for many years to come! Superman and Wonder Woman do not try to arrest him at all for his work as a hired assassin! I guess he's also killed 939 people now. Or should I include Lhemis the Spear? Yeah, probably! So Slade's kill count is now 940!

After the battle, the Gods have some paperwork left to deal with.

Please don't let Superman and Wonder Woman step in and stop this! Slade must die!

The Gods want one of Slade's children. Or Slade can sacrifice himself. But Slade decides that ripping out his right eye is enough of a sacrifice. He demands the gods "take it or leave it." And then the issue ends with a note about how next month he's going to battle Amanda Waller. So I guess the god's take the deal. Idiots. Hopefully they take the eye and his new youth and maybe his writer as well!

Deathstroke #10 Rating: No change. Deathstroke continues to be a character that only middle school males probably enjoy. The character has nothing to make him likeable accept rebellious brashness and bad-ass motherfuckery. If only he had a dark sense of humor, I could begin to like Slade Wilson again. Maybe give him a hint of vulnerability. Let him realize he isn't always going to come out on top. Let him get his ass handed to him every now and then by an actual hero. I realize this comic book isn't meant for me. But since I began this paragraph saying who it is meant for, everybody else should probably just avoid purchasing it. You should also avoid insulting the comic because middle school males are mean and heartless and not afraid of vitriolic, anonymous attacks.

Gotham By Midnight #9

Good night!

Detective Rook of Internal Affairs has finally decided that busting The Midnight Shift (aka The Spooky Files) for spending police funds on personal items wasn't going to be enough. Now it's time to shut the whole thing down because they're getting too close to the truth. At least that's why The X-Files were shut down. At first The Smoking Man and his government cronies were all, "Mulder is the only real threat to our schemes! Let's send him into the basement where we stash our porn and extra pencils so he'll be too distracted to stop us! And why don't we send that red head with the shoulder pads down there to scoff at everything he believes. That should totally piss him off!" But then Mulder began to get too close to their schemes while hunting chupacabras and Bigfoots and swarms of bees. So The Smoking Man was all, "Shut it down! Fire him! Give Shoulder Pads cancer! Clean it up and tear it all down!" But then fifteen years later, Mulder was all, "You can't keep us down! The truth will be known in a limited run story arc that will hopefully acknowledge that Californication was my life in the Witness Protection Program!" And Scully was all, "I hope this limited series will raise some interest in A Cock And Bull Story, available at local movie rental places and Netflix! Also check me out in Bleak House! And have you nerds noticed I just keep getting more and more attractive the older I get?!"

What was I talking about? The Spooky Files being shut down, right? Yeah, so that's happening now.

Sergeants Casimiro and Palmer have Corrigan in the interrogation room and they're ready to give him a non-paranormal case of what-for. Of course that won't work because he's super paranormal. They'll be lucky if they don't wind up damned to hell after this interrogation.

Meanwhile Detective Rook has his men tearing apart The Spooky Files Headquarters while Ms. Manhunter keeps him and his people in line.

Grand larceny? Pedophilia with intent to pedophile? Resisting arrest? More illogical things that they obviously wouldn't be arrested for?

Sergeant Palmer tries to pin all of the corpses associated with Corrigan's cases on Corrigan. But Corrigan is all, "I didn't do it! It wasn't me! I didn't kill any of those people or destroy Arkham or express God's wrath in any way!" But Palmer is all, "Tell that to their mothers!" Or something. That sounds like something an Internal Affairs prick would say. I suppose Corrigan can't get out of trouble by letting The Spectre leak out of his eyes as proof that he isn't to blame because then he'll just have two more corpses that will be blamed on him.

Meanwhile Doctor Tarr continues to investigate the Black Flowers. He declares that they're signs from some creature trying to help The Spooky Files to find the locations where evil will express itself within Gotham. Maybe they're from Black Orchid. Does she poop black flowers? What are her powers again? Does anybody actually know?

Detective Drake's interrogation goes sideways as she suddenly feels the need to scream. Black flowers begin growing on the door of Corrigan's interrogation room. And then God's wrath begins to awaken! Internal Affairs is about to solve their mystery!

Because God works in mysterious ways. Duh!

Then Detective Drake screams and somebody is royally screwed. I hope it's her slacker boyfriend. She really needs to be single so I can moon over her. Who am I kidding? She's C-list mooning material at best! I mean she's attractive enough but she's still a cop. And a banshee. I may be into dangerous fictional women like Vampire Tig but I'm not stupid. A banshee cop? Forget it! That's taking too much of a risk even for me.

Sergeant Casimiro threatens to ruin everybody working for The Spooky Files and that's the final straw. The Spectre pops out and points a single claw at Casimiro while Drake lies on the floor wailing away in the other interrogation room. Somebody is about to die and/or shit their pants for the first time as an adult.

Mystery solved! Also those two extra corpses on Corrigan's arrest warrant I mentioned earlier.

Why has this comic book been cancelled? It's chock full of Old Testament and that thing is pretty popular! I guess it doesn't have enough vague messages that can be read as God hating homosexuals.

Speaking of The Old Testament, I take issue with the bit about Onan being a reason for the Catholic Church's condemnation of birth control. That story isn't about Onan breaking "natural laws" by pulling out during sex. It only means that if you want it to mean that because your church Dogma has told you that it means that because they want people of their faith to have as many children as possible who will likely be brainwashed into their faith. No, the real reason God is displeased with Onan is because he breaks a contract where he stated he would give his brother's wife children so he could bang her. The story isn't about sex at all! It's simply about contract law!

Before The Spectre goes back into Corrigan's head, Corrigan asks it a question and receives the wrong answer.

Whoops! I guess Jim Corrigan is God?

Gotham by Midnight #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. Can I be speechless? Am I allowed, as a comic book reviewer, to be speechless? Well, fuck you. I'm speechless. It began in that panel where The Spectre emerged and pointed at Casimiro and then just kept happening until sometime past now. I don't know when it ended because it hasn't yet. Still speechless. Never you mind all the words I typed between the statements that I'm speechless. I'm speechless, Goddammit!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #4

I knew it too! Master Comic Book Reader!

This is part two of the sexy story I was writing last time which was wholly original and super sexy. It was full of man parts interacting with lady parts and lady parts interacting with shower nozzles and lady parts being looked at by man parts (the eye parts!) and man parts being hinted about because they're far too gross or sexy to mention completely or to show erect if you want your book to become a movie which can be shown in a theater whose floors are only sticky due to spilled pop. At the conclusion of the first sexy part, Power Girl had just been overcome by Vartox the Puritron's Semen Eye Beams. They were all "SPLOOSH!" and Power Girl's breasts were all "STICKY!" and all the readers were all satisfied. But now the readers have had time to get unsatisfied which is also called horny in less respectable places of soft repute. So I must satisfy them once more with my sexy writing style!

Before I continue with my story, let's play a game! Plumber or Power Girl?!

If you guessed "plumber," you probably forgot which comic book I was "reviewing".

Power Girl and Vartox the Puritron were locked in a vicious battle of punching each other in the faces. I will not describe the battle in detail because this is not a story about kinky behavior. I will not have people who get turned on by violence getting turned on by reading my sexy story for people who get turned on by not-so-subtle innuendo about man rods and pool parties in panties. If you're into violent boners, you should probably be reading Batman. I'm pretty sure he's beating the teeth out of somebody right now in his Annual. You should put your pants on and go to your local comic book store to pick it up. But wear a long coat because nobody wants to see your raging bat boner if you are a guy or your slowly spreading love stain if you are a woman who probably forgot to put on her underwear and is wearing white Capri pants.

Harley Quinn joined the battle riding on the back of her Joker colored Battle Cat which could speak. I don't remember where it came from. Maybe it's Groovicus Mellow's Space Dong? If so, it's bigger than I suspected! And I was suspecting a pretty big Space Dong based on Groovicus Mellow's look by which I mean skin color unless even stereotypes that I would like to be typed with are bad and then I meant because he just sounds like the type of guy who would own a big Space Dong. And also it's probably a rescue because that's the cool way to get a Space Dong. You don't want to support greedy Space Dong Mills. Although I don't actually think Harley is riding Groovicus's Space Dong into battle at all. Obviously this is Harley's Space Pussy.

Vartox the Puritron began to choke Harley Quinn to death because he was exhausted by her eyeballs trying to look up his loin cloth. But then Harley's Space Pussy began to purr and Vartox was all, "Why am I so calm and happy now?! Only true monsters do not love Space Pussy! You can tell the character of a person by their love of Space Pussy! When a person sees a Space Pussy and is all, 'Argh! Get that awful thing away from me! It is so selfish and doesn't approve of me at all and it has hurt me feelings! I wish it were a Space Dong because they will love anything! They will even love things that have just beaten them with a miniature Spaceball Bat!', you know that person is not a person to be liked at all and is probably a big jerko!" Also in the background which I should probably describe so I could fill a few hundred pages like that Tolkien guy, some mushrooms were growing and looking like stumpy penises which means normal sized.

Harley Quinn's Space Pussy convinced Vartrox to stop being a Puritron because it was so soothing to look at and to listen to as well if you're into that sort of thing. So Vartox was all, "Hey! I am myself again. Let us shagadelic, baby!" And then somebody probably said "That's what he said!" because Michael Scott was quoting Austin Powers but now everybody is just quoting Michael Scott. "That's what he said," everybody probably just said.

If anybody was wondering where Harley Quinn got her Space Pussy, I have decided, of my own free will and from my own imagination, to come up with Harley's Space Pussy's Origin Story.

And then the giant Space Pussy licked itself.

Vartox the No Longer Puritron grabbed up Power Girl in his arms and kissed her which gave him the feelings inside that one gets when one kisses a person whom a person wants to kiss. Good feelings, probably, since I see people kissing all over the place and it seems like they like it. Sometimes it seems like they really like it if they are wearing jogging pants or white Capri pants! Usually when I see people kissing at the mall, I think of saying something super witty like "Get a room!" but then forget to say it because some butt touching happens and then I just think "I hope they don't get a room at all and just do it right here in public!" It's about that time that I start to get really uncomfortable eating my hot dog on a stick.

Power Girl threw Vartox against a mountain because she still has Puritron feelings having been raised on Krypton where nobody ever put ding dongs in hoo-has because they had a really excellent Test Tube Baby program. Jor-el was the only Kryptonian that was curious about sticking his ding dong in a hoo-ha instead of in a test tube. And Lara was totally into giving it a go too because she was a total slut. I wish I would meet a total slut! Where does one go to meet one? The zoo? An arcade? The Hallmark Store?

Thanks to the magic of Harley Quinn's Space Pussy, Vartox was once again his normal self and the fighting stopped for all time. At least between the the heroes of the story! More fighting will take place later against Oreo the Buzzkill.

If Earth is where all of the sluts are, how come I can't find any?!

Oreo the Buzzkill attacked with his army of Sex Nuns. Not that they're nuns that like to have sex but they're nuns who think the number of sexual partners a person should have is none. It's a pun or something. Whatever it is, it isn't very erotic at all! I thought this story was supposed to be full of sentences that make your stomach feel like you have diarrhea but in a good way. I guess I'll have to pad it with some of those moments so everybody gets their money's worth (even if no money was spent to get this worth).

The explosion exploded Harley Quinn across the barren landscape that was not completely barren due to all of the penis-shaped mushrooms growing in the background. As Harley flew through the air, her thong underwear that she had put on backwards disappeared for mysterious reasons that probably won't be explained later since that part doesn't matter. The part that matters is that her lady parts were now flapping and flopping all over the place. Unless lady parts do something else when exposed to the air. Perhaps expand and throb? If you've seen lady parts before in real life, just picture them doing whatever they were doing that time you saw them. Also if you are the type of lady who isn't turned on by lady parts, just wait until the next sentence! Harley thought she was dead for sure but she was caught in the arms of Vartox whose loin cloth had fallen to the side exposing his penis which looked like a mushroom. But it looked like a huge mushroom that had veins in it and was probably throbbing too. It was either circumcised or uncircumcised depending on which one you find more attractive although since it was erect, it probably didn't matter. It was the exact right size to not be intimidating at all and looked like the kind of thing you would want to put in your mouth, like a Popsicle or a retainer. It was super hot to look at especially since it was now so close to Harley's exposed lady parts which were probably dripping or erect or whatever they do when they're in proximity to a penis. The readers probably had to take a break now to go masturbate because this scene was so exciting.

But then Oreo the Buzzkill turned his gaze on the naked flesh of his enemies and was perturbed! Wait a second. Let me check the dictionary. Yes, yes. He was perturbed verily much!

So the whole world conquering thing was due to having a small penis? Now we all know what Mongul's Dong looks like! What's the smallest mushroom? That's what it looks like!

Power Girl defeats Oreo the Buzzkill while he's distracted by Vartox's Massive Space Dong (not the pet kind of Space Dong this time but actually his penis). But that's not the end of the story! The end of the story will only take place after Power Girl and Harley Quinn defeat Oreo's boss: The Harvester of Sorrow! I bet he was cheated of his youth. I bet somebody turned some lie to truth.

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #4 Rating: +2 Ranking or something, I guess. I mean, this comic book is fun and enjoyable but it shouldn't be read by anybody because it is full of sexy things which Americans are not allowed to read. They are sinful and inappropriately fun. As an American, I know I should not be reading this at all. It is my duty to be dour and to tsk tsk anybody that thinks about sex in any way other than for making a baby. When an American has sex, he or she should only be thinking about babies the entire time. Men's sex talk should be things like, "I am going to put my penis inside your vagina in the hopes that I can shoot enough sperm into you so that one of them will swim up your lady parts that I don't know the name of because I never had a proper sex education class and the sperm will fertilize your egg which will immediately become a living being loved by all strangers (at least until it is born and then forget about it)." Then the woman should say, "Oh yes, yes. Make a baby inside of me! But be careful that I do not orgasm because women should not be enjoying sex at all. That is the man's prerogative!" Then nine months later everybody can enjoy the baby until they are shot in a random act of violence that can not be stopped so why even try. America!

The New Teen Titans #39 (January 1988)

You can throw a naked chick on the cover of a comic book if you hint that it's some kind of religious baptism.

The Titans take some time off so Raven can learn that she should stop trying to fuck Dick. Jericho and Adeline stop an armed robbery at an art gallery but that wasn’t enough to make the Teen Titans heroic this issue. What was enough to make this a great issue where the Teen Titans proved they were worth reading was Starfire being naked for the majority of it.

Number of Issues In Which The Teen Titans Act Heroically Or Strut About Naked: 4 out of 39.

Justice League 3001 #4

Oh look. Another comic book I can read because I haven't been shot by some nut with a gun. Lucky me.

I'm not anti-owning guns. But all gun owners are fucking cowards. All of them. You want to continue to be able to own a gun legally in this country? Take some fucking responsibility for every person killed with a gun. Apparently you think the amount of American lives taken by guns is worth owning your gun or else you'd participate in finding an actual solution to this problem instead of grasping tighter and tighter to your precious weapon. What we need is second and third tier punishments for gun crimes. If you believe your gun will never be used to commit murder because you're so fucking responsible with it then you should agree to punishments that extend beyond the shooter. If the gun is used in an accidental shooting death, you get manslaughter. If the gun was stolen, the previous owner of the gun should be charged as an accessory to the crime. If the gun was legally purchased, the seller should be levied with a hefty fine or, if sold outside the letter of the law, charged as an accessory to the murder as well. Go ahead. Keep your fucking guns so you can feel safe. But don't for a second believe that part of the cost of your gun isn't, every day, being paid in somebody else's blood. Live your life of paranoia and mistrust, only feeling safe and comfortable because you can shoot the fuck out of the boogeyman you just know is eventually going to come crashing through your living room window. Owning a gun isn't about freedom. It's about locking the cage from the inside because you're terrified of everything out of your control.

My favorite part about the current state of Second Amendment Supporter debate is that it's all about crying about how quickly people complain about guns when a mass shooting happens. So their argument is that people should just fucking accept that guns are everywhere and one day one of them will, once again, eventually be used to kill a bunch of people? Just shut up and take it? Are only brain dead people on the side of the NRA because I haven't seen a debate tactic this bad since my seventh grade debate team tried to argue that cheerleading causes teen pregnancy. Although we did have a lot of pregnant cheerleaders that year.

Only when a mass shooting takes place where the shooter is using a bow and arrows will the mantra "guns don't kill people; people kill people" be an acceptable argument. Until then, guns kills people. When a lot of people die, it's because of a gun.

Anyway, I'm going to read a comic book now. If you're a gun owner, you're probably not reading this sentence. Although if you have stuck around, you probably understood my point without being personally insulted by my comments. Because they aren't personal. But something needs to be done and I think that something needs to come from gun owners. Either you're going to have to find a solution or you're going to have to give up your gun. I suppose you can also just continue to feel happy and safe with your gun and your delusional beliefs that these tragedies only happen because evil exists in the world and because the victims were too dumb to not shoot the killer first. I suppose that's a justifiable way to continue living too. I suppose.

This issue is just a story told by an idiot full of comic book shenanigans. Teri is the idiot. Her shenanigans are supposedly just a training exercise.

I hope The Joker still exists in 3001!

Teri has been sent by Lois Lane in her Ariel disguise to run around the frozen planet of Nirvana until she freezes to death. Teri doesn't know she's supposed to freeze to death though. She thinks she's helping locate some mysterious signal. Teri doesn't freeze to death nor find a mysterious signal. But she does find Mirror Master 3001! This meeting allows Giffen and DeMatteis to write a "I knew Barry Allen and you're no Barry Allen!" joke which maybe 10% of the people reading this comic book probably remember from the vice presidential debates in 1988. Giffen and DeMatteis love their recycled old jokes!

Mirror Master has come to Nirvana to retire and try to figure out life in the 31st Century. So I guess he's the original who probably lived in a mirror and didn't age for 1000 years. But since he's not into petty theft anymore, he winds up in a buddy comedy with The Flash (Teri Version).

The Flash's suggestion is, of course, to run.

Mirror Master disappears into a reflective surface of polished ice and The Flash is mauled by Piranha Bears. But she survives to never tell anybody about her meeting with The Mirror Master until telling her story to a drunk and passed out Diana now. The final revelation is made when Teri tries to drag Diana out of the bar and back to headquarters.

Of course Diana and Etta were lovers! I guess that revelation isn't as revealing as I made it out to be by calling it a "revelation" as opposed to "confirmation of previously acknowledged suppositions."

Justice League 3001 #4 Rating: No change. DC Comics should really consider more comic books like Justice League 3001. I don't mean more comics by old writers recycling the same old jokes they've been writing across their entire careers. No, I mean more comic books that take place in their own special DC Universe. In fact, DC Comics should color code the comic books depending on which DC Universe they take place in. Forget having a special label for the 52 different universes. Just let certain stories take place in certain universes without having to write an entire sourcebook on every universe. The comic books should be color coded by the DC Comics Logo on the front cover. So Gods and Monsters currently have a Gold Logo, so any story that takes place in that universe should have a Gold Logo on the cover. Any story that takes place in the universe with the Crayola Time Lords should have a Magenta Logo on the cover. Comics taking place in the Justice League 3001 universe should have an Argyle Logo. Comics taking place in the DC Youniverse should have a Hot Pink Logo while comics in The New 52 Universe should retain the regular Blue Logo. And finally, comic books taking place in Eddie Berganza's Universe should have a Turd Logo. It would make sense! Then people who are only interested in certain characters from certain universes could readily tell which comic books to pick up!