Doctor Fate #1

DCyou! Where Dr. Fate wears skinny jeans and a hoodie!

Doctor Fate! Doctor Fate! Does whatever a doctor does!
Leaves a sponge! Inside a guy!
Malpractice insurance premiums rise!
Look out! Here comes the Doctor Fate!

Is he smart? Listen jerk!
He does radioactive work!
Can he cure your cancer?
That doesn't even deserve an answer!
Hey, there! At the bar! Doctor Fate's on a break!

In the still of the morgue! He drinks like a fish!
Hates non-paying patients like that kid from Make-a-Wish!

Doctor Fate! Doctor Fate! Friendly neighborhood Doctor Fate!
Bills insurance a three figure sum!
Uninsured? Charge two hundred thousand and one!
Look out! Here comes Doctor Fate's bill!

It was obviously time for another Spider-man song since I perceive everything through the constant tune of that song playing in the back of my brain. Also Doctor Fate is making the THWIP gesture for some reason.

The issue begins with Anubis the Stray Dog running about Brooklyn threatening people with an afterlife. So scary! But then he sees some lightning and realizes Bastet is trying to fuck up his plans. He calls her a bitch but that's okay because he's a dog and he didn't mean it as an insult but simply a descriptor, even if he got it wrong because Bast is a cat. And you don't call a female cat "bitch." You call her Princess Fuzzy Mittens.

Get it? He's a medical student who must accept his fate! That's why he's called Med Student Fate!

Khalid decides not to accept his fate because most people try desperately to avoid their fate. But it's called fate for a reason! Get a dictionary, Khalid! Although if running from your fate and completely avoiding fate is your fate, I guess you can escape your fate!

If I published a dictionary, the entries for "fate" and "destiny" would read "See astrology." And the entry for "astrology" would read "Bullshit." I was destined to have a dumb blog about comic books. Not because when I was born, some god or the stars or fate decreed it would be. It was my destiny because it happened! Destiny can only be proclaimed after the fact. If something happened, it was destined to happen! The proof? Because it happened! But saying that something is your destiny before it happens is just surmising! Also, I think "fate" and "destiny" are supposed to represent some kind of grand design with a bit more import than they're usually given. Stop saying things like "I feel like I was born to do this; this is my destiny!" when you're about to run the obstacle course on American Gladiators. And if you think your fate was to "inspire" or to "raise awareness" of something, go sit the fuck down. I only want to hear about your fate or destiny if you were meant to cure cancer or discovered the greatest sexual position ever. You know, something important. Raising awareness is nothing more than masturbating in people's faces. Good for you. I hope you feel important now because you got your little bit of fame while raising awareness for something that you forgot about as soon people forgot about you.

I should say this blog is meant to inspire people! "If I can be a buzzkill on the internet, anybody can! Go for it! Live your dreams! You can do anything you put your mind to if you're kind of hard working and sort of talented but (most importantly!) super extremely lucky!"

How is Bastet not the most powerful Egyptian god? She's a cat in America! We love cats in America! She's worshiped daily. Every LOLcat meme is an altar to Bastet generating near endless amounts of praise! How is Anubis any more powerful? Do Not Want Dog wasn't any more popular than Invisible Bike Cat!

Khalid calls up Shaya, his girlfriend, to tell her he's freaking out because the Bastet statue at the museum tried to give him a shiny gold helmet. Shaya is all, "Pshaw! That's as silly as a museum statue trying to give me wings and a mace! TTYL!"

On his way home, Khalid stupidly jumps onto the subway tracks to save a young kid. That's when he discovers he has powers! Even without the helmet! Unless the helmet has followed him and it's doing all the magic itself.

Also, the magic could have been provided by Allah. Ha ha! No, that's silly. It was probably the magic helmet.

Puck the Cat (also known as Bastet or Bast or Bastt or Ubaste or "Holy shit the cat is talking!") tells Khalid that he should probably accept his destiny because nobody is going to keep paying $2.99 per month unless he puts on the fucking helmet already.

Meanwhile Anubis stalks the flooded city.

What is an evaculation order? Is that where citizens evacuate the city while jerking off?

Puck the Cat leads Khalid back to the museum to accept the helmet of fate. Right before Khalid puts the helmet on his head, Puck is all, "Did I mention you'll pay a heavy price for wearing that? No? Well, good luck!" Then Puck dies which makes this the saddest first issue of any comic I've ever read. And yet it's drawn like a newspaper comic strip and those aren't supposed to be sad! I mean, sure, occasionally some writer will try to step out of the comic strip box and do something touching but they still need to fill the space with old jokes and supposedly funny non sequiturs! But Puck makes sure to mention that she'll be resurrected in the Wheel of Life so the readers shouldn't feel too bad. She'll be back!

Khalid learns that while wearing the helmet, he's not completely himself. But at least he's not completely Fate either. While he's trying to come to terms with his new self, a tree falls on his father's cab.

Is this guy Anubis's chosen mage, Wotan?

Doctor Fate #1 Ranking: On its own, Doctor Fate is setting up a reasonably interesting world where the main character has a purpose. He also has a normal life he'll need to balance with his new role as magic protector of everything. As another part of the DCyou universe, we have yet another threat to end the world. I wonder how Anubis feels about the Martians trying to conquer the Earth while he's trying to wipe it clean for his own purposes? And do any of these other would-be conquerors realize that everything is going to end anyway if Superman dies, therefore their plans will be for naught? And I'm sure Lobdell's Doomed will bring about another end of the Omniverse disaster looming on the horizon. I also feel like the Powers That Be at DC Comics want every new character to be another Ms. Marvel or Burnside Batgirl. I don't mind characters embracing modernity but these are fictional worlds as well (for example, a magic helmet and talking dog-god) so every character doesn't have to be eternally connected to every other character with their noses in their cell phones. Although I did like how Khalid's mother uses her cell phone to actually call him while Khalid spends his time texting his girlfriend.* And now I won't finish that thought because it turned into an unexpected pun and I refuse to allow puns to have power over me. Instead I'll leave it as a riddle for you to wonder what I would have said after the sentence ending in an asterisk.

Martian Manhunter #1

It might just be me but isn't taking the name "Manhunter" sending the wrong message if you're an alien wishing to befriend mankind?

I think the issue begins with a crack deal. Except the dealers are children and the crack is Oreo cookies and the junkie is Mr. Biscuits. Mr. Biscuits is probably one of Martian Manhunter's aliases since "Mr. Biscuits" is way friendlier than "Martian Manhunter" or "Grogg the Childchomper." Of course Mr. Biscuits might just be another Martian who hasn't discovered Oreo cookies yet because the children bring him a bag with a random assortment of cookies inside of it. But he'll learn! Everybody learns the power of Oreos.

Mr. Biscuits has red eyes and green skin like J'onn but he wears a sack over his head not like J'onn. That's probably significant in some way that will be determined after the scene where Martian Manhunter rescues a plane from falling out of the sky. That's the kind of thing Superman would usually do except he's too busy dealing with a bullshit story arc about his loss of powers and his loss of identity. Since nobody seems to care that Martian Manhunter is the most powerful character in the DC Universe (probably because his weakness is fire which is easy to introduce into a plot for added tension whereas Kryptonite is a bit harder to just throw into every Superman story), he gets to continue to be really powerful and to be a hero. Nobody would call J'onn a boy scout! Mostly because martians aren't allowed to be boy scouts.

As J'onn struggles to save everybody on the plane, he has a hallucination.

We learned in the Sneak Peek that J'onn hallucinates constantly.

J'onn's greatest weakness isn't fire at all. It's being unable to comprehend reality. Most everything in this comic book isn't actually happening. I'm sure J'onn is just standing in an elevator ranting and raving as everybody decides to just take the stairs.

J'onn's currently suffering from a megalomaniac delusion that he was created as a living weapon to conquer Earth. He's probably channeling Superboy's thoughts right now. Being a strong telepath, he just can't keep other people's thoughts out of his head. It's probably how his delusions manifest.

As J'onn is saving this plane, wars break out all over the Earth because something called The Epiphany is taking place. I guess that's where Mankind suddenly realizes that the Martians are really in control and they're about to kick ass and chew whatever Martian's chew as a sweet snack but which they're currently out of.

But Martian Manhunter has a plan! He heads to NASA to ask Helen Demoff to kill him. I like that plan! It'll save me $2.99 per month!

I think Mr. Biscuits is the real Martian Manhunter!

Even though it seems like a cheat, I wouldn't mind if Mr. Biscuits turned out to be the real Martian Manhunter and the one saving the plane is the one that's made every appearance so far in The New 52. Let him be a weapon that was meant to destroy Earth. His characterizations have been strange ever since he appeared in Stormwatch. And we never did learn why he battled the Justice League way back when, did we? I'm sure it was because he's actually a monster. At one point in this issue, he's called a monster and he reacts a bit defensively. He can sacrifice himself to save Earth from the other Martians while Mr. Biscuit turns out to be the J'onn J'onzz DC Comic readers are used to. He's already been established as loving cookies. That's a huge clue!

Martian Manhunter #1 Rating: I don't know about this series yet. I need a second issue before I can decide if I like it. There just wasn't a lot of meat on this issue. It basically boiled down to everybody finding out that everything wrong with the world is because of the lizard people martians disguised as human beings. Helen Demoff even catches a glimpse of one as it reads the news. Just like one of David Icke's videos!

Secret Six #3

Maybe this is the issue we find out if The Ventriloquist can make Ferdie talk while performing anilingus! What is the secret?!

I'm going to be magnanimous and not mention how long it's taken for three issues of this comic book to appear on the stands. I'm not going to be magnanimous enough not to mention how magnanimous I'm being though! I'm only human!

When we last saw the Secret Six, they were standing around patting themselves on the back congratulating themselves on having escaped the death box from the bottom of the sea. What they weren't doing was going their separate ways and ruining Project: Mockingbird. No, they decided they should probably stick together to protect each other from Project: Mockingbird. I have a secret six suspicion that the whole point of Project: Mockingbird is to get these stupid assholes working together. And they fell for it! Which is why I referred to them as "stupid assholes". That's not the secret! That's obvious!

This issue begins with a Pocket Aphorism I guess you're supposed to cut out so you can take it with you and read it just before all of the critical decisions you make in your life.

Don't try to cut this one out!

I don't know what it means but it feels so much like an old school comic book with the newsprint pages that I can't help but love it. Also, don't you hate when people Limbo like they don't mean it? It's like, "Get out of the line, jerko! You're bringing the party to a grinding halt with your half-hearted Limbo skills! If you're going to bend over backwards, bend the fuck over backfuckingwards, fuckfucker!" How many times have you found yourself yelling that at a party, amirite?

Do young people today even know what the Limbo is? Why would they ever learn when their parties are full of girls rubbing their asses on guys' crotches?! Remember when we thought Twister was a sneaky sexy party game?! The kids today just have to dance and they're already dry humping on the first date! What is the secret?!

This issue is called "The Nine Levels of Suburbia" so I guess that's what the Limbo reference was for although I still don't get it. Is "Limbo like you mean it" akin to "Dance like nobody is watching"? I can't decide if it's better to masturbate like nobody is watching or to masturbate like everybody is watching. Maybe it depends on where you choose to masturbate?

Catman is currently cruising Suburbia topless when he comes across a big jerk beating his dog for not obeying him. You can tell the man is a big jerk because he is wearing funky sunglasses or maybe because he's got a crew cut or possibly because he's wearing a track suit or maybe because he's beating his dog. I forget which one of those made me realize he was a jerk. It could also have been his thick neck or his gaudy tennis shoes.

After humans are long gone, raccoons will become the next sentient species at the top of the food chain. Unless they also destroy themselves with diabetes.

If I had to guess, I'd say raccoons are already smarter than about thirty percent of the humans on this planet.

Catman threatens the guy who turns out to be a cop. Oh! That's what makes him a jerk!

The next removable aphorism is "The lust that lingers" which may not actually be an aphorism. I don't know what it is! But it has "lust" in it so it sets up the next level of Suburbia! Apparently the Secret Six are now living in a house in the suburbs to hide from Project: Mockingbird. None of them were made to live in the suburbs. They're not married. They have no children They're not excited about lawn care. They don't gossip about their neighbors unkempt yard. They probably won't participate in the Block Party which will cause the entire neighborhood to view them with suspicion. The suburbs are boring them to death. It's worse than the box (probably).

Okay, maybe they enjoy block parties and the whole hating spending time outside with the neighbors is just me.

What constitutes weird sex? I think weird sex is that sex where you get really close to your partner and maybe entangle your legs a bit so your genitals aren't quite touching and instead are just sort of staring at each other and then you both just kind of get off somehow by being close but not touching? Is that a thing? It's weird if it's a thing! What is the secret?!

Everybody currently on the couch admits to having engaged in the weird sex on the couch. Especially Ferdie. Ferdie especially admits to it. He also has drills in the palms of his hands so my guess is at least two of the Secret Six are now bleeding from their assholes.

Big Shot, P.I., lectures the group on maintaining a more child-friendly atmosphere in front of closed doors since they have a child in the house (Black Alice!) whom he wants to protect. So the group has the father figure taken care of. Now they just need a mother! That will probably be Strix.

The third act's aphorism is "Gluttony becomes you." So true!

The house belongs to Big Shot, P.I. He used to live there with the love of his life so I guess the neighbors are cool with his guests visiting him for awhile. He's normal enough to suddenly have five other people and a puppet with a dirty mouth move in with him to fill the empty space of his lost love.

Although he's really just doing it for Black Alice. And maybe a little bit because he secretly likes Ferdie's dumb dirty jokes. That's not the secret.

The next chapter's aphorism is "Greed is the word" because it's the word that you've heard. It's got groove. It's got meaning. In this chapter, The Ventriloquist offers to go shopping with Porcelain because she probably wants to kill Porcelain in a simulated shopping cart accident since Porcelain has been flirting with Catman. But since Shauna is into Catman, Ferdie will probably have to kill Catman. Eventually they're all just going to have to stop trying to possess each other and just all fuck whoever wants to fuck whenever they want to fuck with whomever. Or something.

The next chapter's aphorism is "Anger is the sea that never ebbs." That's because it doesn't have a moon. And is on a planet with no rotation. And doesn't exist? I don't have a science degree so I'm really out of my element here. The literature degree just means I've read lots and lots of things that will never enable me to connect with the world because I'm too busy connecting with dead people who also couldn't connect with the world. So, you know, it's not a useless degree at all!

See? Porcelain doesn't seem to be too hung up on possessing Catman. She's cool in the way all the Millennials grandparents were cool in the seventies.

Porcelain beats the shit out of two jerks on the way to the store. You can tell they're jerks because they're white and they're male and they have loads and loads of muscles. I know that also describes Catman but he's not a jerk for some reason. I think because he's into man-butt.

The next chapter's aphorism is "The trouble with heresy." I think part of that aphorism is missing because I don't know why heresy is troubling after reading that and now I might accidentally engage in some because I don't know why I shouldn't. This chapter has Ferdie sitting in front of the television and then proclaiming "Television is the devil" because Ferdie is a dumb lying puppet whom I won't like anymore if he keeps dissing my surrogate mom.

The next chapter's aphorism is "Violence wears a man like a weapon" which totally makes sense if you're nutso cuckoo. This chapter stars the Secret Six's mother, Strix! This issue has yet to establish Strix as the mother figure but I'm sure it will come with time. Right now, she's a bit lost.

Don't worry, Strix. Most of us don't know how to home. We're just all doing our best. My mother wasn't very good at it either until she was attached to a cable box.

Big Shot decides to have a bit of a house meeting over breakfast only to discover that everybody hates the suburbs which, you know, isn't that surprising. Don't we all hate the suburbs? Is that a thing people actually like? I guess the thirty percent of people dumber than raccoons probably like it.

Porcelain mentions seeing a guy beating a dog while he was out so now Catman needs to go kill a cop and ruin their hideout. Well, he doesn't go that far. But he does kick some ass and Daddy Big Shot has to pull his ass out of the fire.

Now the Secret Six has a dog and a cat and a child and a father and a zombie assassin and a foul mouthed puppet. Awww! They really are a family!

The last chapter's aphorism is "Treachery among friends" and it explains why Big Shot has a sensitive fucking nose and my mind is reeling and I think I might have passed out for just a second. You see, it might not explain what the secret secret is but holy fuck me in every holey, it sure drops a big one. And the surprise secret isn't that The Riddler is Mockingbird. It's that Big Shot is Ralph Dibny, the Elongated Man! (Although "Dibny" was spelled "Dibney" in the issue which almost threw me off because I'm so picky about everything! (not really))

Oh! That was a spoiler! SPOILER WARNING! I think my entire blog has a spoiler warning so I'm not really too concerned. Plus I'm still reeling from the revelation because all that shit with pictures of Sue Dibny everywhere is hurting my heart now. And his whole concern over the couch being ruined by weird sex due to his sensitive nose? Totally should have realized it was Ralph at that point! So on character! Great fucking job, Gail Simone.

Oh, also, just to make it clear: Ralph "Big Shot" Dibny is working for Mockingbird and, as I pointed out earlier, the whole Project was to get these stupid assholes to work together.

Secret Six #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. So worth the wait. I was never a huge fan of Gail Simone's New 52 Batgirl. But her team comics are impeccable. She knows how to develop interesting scenes that bring out bits of every character so that you really begin to know them in short order. The Movement only lasted ten or twelve issues but it had more character development packed into it than most of the titles that have been focusing on a single character for nearly four years. And this issue was just brilliant! I love issues where we get to see the characters just spending some down time with each other and this was completely that. But not only was it that, it was also relevant to the overarching plot of the series. It was needed to bond these characters together. I'm a fan. And I'm so glad this is how The Elongated Man was reintroduced into The New 52 even if it means Sue is still dead.

Sinestro #12

I'd rather have had a Joker Variant.

This is really important work I'm doing. In the future, historians are going to want an unbiased opinion of the material published by DC Comics. They'll stumble upon my site and think, "Enh. Good enough." And that's ignoring all the good I'm doing for the present as well! Keeping my hatred laser-focused on DC Comics keeps me from blowing up bridges and punching every fucking asshole blocking the sidewalk while standing outside of a bar smoking and talking and not realizing how even their friends probably don't really like them very much.

The issue begins with Sinestro and Soranik standing above the reactor at the core of New Korugar. A traitor among the Yellow Lanterns has triggered it to meltdown which will destroy the new home for Sinestro's people. They waste three pages having a useless conversation.

Soranik: "We must evacuate the Korugarians!"
Sinestro: "No need. I will stop the meltdown."
Soranik: "But what if you can't?!"
Sinestro: "I will."
Soranik: "But you might not!"
Sinestro: "But I will."
Soranik: "But just in case you fail..."
Sinestro: "I won't."
Soranik: "You'd put your people at risk...?"
Sinestro: "There is no risk. I will save them."
Soranik: "But just in case you can't!"
Sinestro: "But I can!"
Soranik: "You dick! I hate you! Why am I even here?!"

So now new readers understand that Sinestro is an arrogant bastard who doesn't feel he needs to listen to anybody's advice. Why should he? They're all more incompetent than he is. If he left anything up to anybody else, it would all get done wrong. So he does things his way (which is obviously the best way) and everybody will be happy, dammit. The reader also learns that Soranik is a useless chump who is only hanging around to help her people but just winds up being told, over and over, to shut up by her father.

Of course, if you didn't want to read the first few pages in the most unflattering way possible, you might see it as a moment where Sinestro is having a bit of self-doubt about whether or not he'll ever truly be able to help the Korugarians. He's promised to keep them safe and now he's ashamed that he's placed them in greater danger. He cannot face his own errors so he decides not to tell anybody about the meltdown. If he can take care of it himself, nobody will know he isn't completely in control at all times. And Soranik is just a daughter desperate to get her father to see things differently than he normally does. Saving the Korugarians should not be about him and his shame! It should be about the Korugarians.

After Sorankik storms off, Lyssa remembers that this is the point in time that she is supposed to have a conversation with Sinestro.

Since Lyssa can see the future, the only reason she knows what Sinestro's Plan B is is because Plan A fails. Right?

Soranik heads off to help out the Korugarians without her father's approval. Umaraal, an elder among the Korugarians (maybe. I don't really know who she is!), informs Soranik that Sinestro has never changed and she was a fool to ever think he had. So I think my flattering way of reading the first few pages was me just being fooled into thinking that Cullen Bunn's writing had changed. Apparently Sinestro is just preparing to become a God or something, and he's just waiting for the Green Lanterns to disappear from the universe.

Meanwhile some yellow space sperm named Ranx breaks its way into Warworld to fertilize it.

Afterward, Sinestro goads Soranik into a battle which ends with her becoming a Yellow Lantern. Sinestro's just trying to save her because the Green Lanterns are about to disappear. I think that means he loves his daughter and he should have a Violet Ring now! And since this entire thing was really just a manipulation to get Soranik closer to fear so she could become a Yellow Lantern, maybe Sinestro is the traitor who set the reactor on its course just to toy with his daughter? That's less farfetched than Tim Drake becoming Harvest, right? And I was right about that one too! I mean, I will have been right given enough time. You'll see!

Sinestro #12 Rating: No change. The best part of this issue was that it was called "Daddy Issues." Although Soranik has less Daddy Issues than every single other character in the DC Universe! She doesn't seem like she needs to prove anything to him at all, or that her life is the way it is due to his abandonment of her. She just wants to help her people and keep her father from harming them due to his arrogance and negligence. Sinestro probably has more daddy issues than Soranik does although I don't know what they are. I'm sure there's a story out there somewhere in which Sinestro has a flashback to his awful father which made Sinestro declare he would never be like him and then, later, unwittingly became just like him. That's just the kind of story that DC Comics loves for their characters' backstories.

Wonder Woman #41

Why is Dick Van Dyke threatening to blow up Wonder Woman?

This issue is called "Balance" because, like all women, Wonder Woman has had to find a balance between her home life and work life. Men never have to figure out that balance because they don't feel guilty about not spending time with their kids or cheating on their wives. Men never think, "Should I be spending this much time at work?" They just think, "Twelve hours at work? I deserve a four hour break at the strip club on the way home!" Balance schmalance! The idea that women need to balance their schedules was created by a bunch of men who feared not having dinner on the table after getting home with cum-stained britches. Play on a woman's guilt and she'll always think she's being selfish when she's actually being codependent! Good work, men! Now even Wonder Woman is confused!

Diana begins by feeling sorry for Donna Troy because Donna Troy wasn't responsible for her actions. She only murdered all of the Amazons' brothers because Derinoe created her to murder all of the Amazons' brothers (and Wonder Woman too, of course!). So Wonder Woman decides to visit Donna Troy and make her feel bad.

"A monster? No! You're just all these other horrible things!"

After chastising Donna Troy for feeling miserable, Diana heads over to visit Zola and Zeke. Zola mentions how she doesn't know how Wonder Woman does it all: superheroing, Godding, Queening, Girlfriending! It's just crazy that she finds the time! All Zola has to do is watch Zeke while lounging safely around Mt. Olympus and, by golly, it's exhausting! Being a non-working mother is the hardest job ever! It sucks spending every single minute with the greatest object of your affection! Sure, she doesn't have anybody adult to talk to but in my book, that's a positive! Besides, I'm sure the Home of the Gods could figure out a way to set up Skype.

"It's so hard being the mother to an immortal God who doesn't need me for anything but hugs and belly raspberries!"

Wonder Woman is also visiting Mt. Olympus because she needs to pick up her new uniform from Hephaestus.

Does the "V" stand for "vagina" so she knows which way to put the suit on?

I don't know how the new outfit helps her embrace the woman she's become. I guess it's like getting her first pant suit?

After her visit to Olympus, Wonder Woman stops by a bridge where some kid is threatening to blow himself up if he doesn't get to meet Wonder Woman. It winds up being some villain who attacks her but she continues to think it's just some kid looking for attention. It's not until the villain calls her The God of War and then escapes does Wonder Woman think that maybe this wasn't some poor kid who just needed a hug. The villain is working with a glowing green pit. Together, they plan on stealing the mantle of the God of War! But the villain doesn't know how to do that. The glowing green pit is all, "Don't worry! I've got just the weapons you need!" Then it spits out a Pegasus and a bow with a few arrows.

Wonder Woman #41 Rating: No change. No wait! -1 Ranking because it was a twenty page comic book for $3.99 in which really not much happened. Sure, we get two pages of sketches of Wonder Woman in her new outfit with commentary by David Finch about how his wife was all, "Stop drawing her with your dick in your hand!"

"But honey! This is hard! I'm just not interested in drawing clothing! I want to draw titties!"

David Finch goes on to explain how difficult it was coming up with a design that made Wonder Woman look tough but feminine. He then quickly adds that "feminine means whatever a woman is, regardless of shape, size or demeanor." So then why was it so hard coming up with the concept if feminine was just an automatic part of the outfit because she was a woman regardless of how she looked?

DC, you owe me about thirty-six cents for the bullshit two extra pages that should have been story! How hard is it for David Finch to fill up two extra pages of story?! He usually wastes at least that many with unnecessary double splash pages! But really, DC. You owe me thirty-six cents. I know the Finches didn't realize they needed a 22 page comic book for the beginning of the DCyou but you had already planned on the price increase so you had to stick these bullshit pages into the back. Fuck you, you monsters! No wait! You aren't monsters. You're just misguided, confused, and self-indulgent.

Robin, Son of Batman #1

Goliath the Werebat is either Bruce Wayne or Alfred's right hand or Tim Drake.

Hopefully Patrick Gleason is a better artist-writer than David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. I'll probably determine that he isn't not out of any objective skill he has but out of my subjective sour, and ever worsening, attitude toward comic books. As art, comic books are the crusty boogers of long grown fifth graders still haunting the underside of elementary school desks. But I'm not sophisticated enough to appreciate art via any other medium because movies are too long, poetry is too individualized, novels have too many fucking words that usually aren't fuck, and television isn't art, according to the Sophomores in my Humanities class in college. I suppose I could get my fix through children's books since everybody at every Portland Wine Tasting always has to mention how their favorite book was always one by Seuss or Sendak or Eastman (probably just to show that they're still full of wonder and childhood goodness and the adult world hasn't crushed their spirit at all although the way they're chugging that fucking wine says otherwise). I also don't go to wine tastings so that last sentence might be bullshit. But I can imagine what it would be like if I went to a wine tasting and in my imagination, it's exactly as I described it!

Okay, so I really don't think comic books are the bottom of the barrel when it comes to art. I think they have an opportunity to tell stories in ways that no other medium is able. So the problem isn't the medium at all; the problem is with the writers and artists within the medium failing to use it to its full advantage. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised when the only comics I'm really reading right now our superhero comics. I have plenty of comic books in trade paperback editions that prove writers and artists know full well how to take advantage of comic books (Chris Ware probably top among them. Get thee to Building Stories or Jimmy Corrigan preposthaste!). But those comic books aren't as fun to comment on as I read them. Those are the kinds of comic books which deserve critical essays written about every aspect of their existence. But those are fucking hard to write, you know?! That's why you won't find me saying anything about them here. But writing about Robin and his gigantic Werebat that makes no goddamned sense at all? Welcome to the funhouse!

And a cowfucker too, unless I'm mistaking the reason for using the word "engorged"!

The Pot calling the Werebat fat is the ruler of Bialya which probably means he's a lover of Black Adam (in the fandom sense, not in the sodomy sense). Robin crashed the Robinwing in this man's country and Goliath fucked this man's cows and now this man wants to make Robin his son. Just to remind everybody what New 52 Damian Wayne comics are all about, a decapitation is depicted seven panels in. Can't have a Damian Wayne comic book without somebody losing their head! Anyway, Robin is going to have to fight the Prince to prove he is worthy to become a prince himself. I think instead of taking this rich guy up on his offer, Damian is just going to beat up a whole mess of people soon. Or very soon. Whichever comes first.

Oh! It was very soon!

Patrick Gleason Artist-Writer Update!
His storytelling is clear and concise. He sets up action so that it makes sense as it takes place. Just in this first meeting, he gives the reader a clear feel for the size of the room, the location of Damian and those within it, and makes sure that the background adds additional information about the owner of the location. I'm only four pages into the comic book so I might be optimistic. Maybe Patrick Gleason spent three weeks doing these four pages and the rest of the comic book is going to be a mess! But after these four pages, I trust that Gleason knows how to write, draw, and pace an intelligible story. That might seem like low hanging fruit but after some of the shit Artist-Writers have published, I'll be ecstatic with simply intelligible!

The story flashes back to Damian back at Wayne Manor. When it takes place is anybody's guess because Damian himself is the cause of much consternation to the continuity purists. Did Batman's search for Damian take place after Batman Eternal and Endgame? If not, where was Damian? How could Batman have searched for Damian after Endgame if he was dead?! Perhaps this will explain how Damian was running around the world on his own during Endgame. Perhaps Gleason won't even deal with it. As for me, I only care up until the end of this paragraph.

Meanwhile in Gotham Harbor, somebody is recovering the mask of Nobody. The mask has file footage on it revealing the identities of Batman and Robin. And the certain somebody recovering the mask is Nobody's daughter, Whats-her-name Ducard.

While Robin is left at home because Batman wanted to patrol on his own, Damian gets a message from somebody that Goliath has escaped so Damian has to sneak out to go take care of his pet Werebat. Apparently he's got an Alfred on Al Ghul Island who takes care of the pets he doesn't have time for just like the Alfred back in Gotham taking care of Alfred II, Titus, and Batcow.

Some consider it a privilege, not a job, to tend to their pet's every need!

Damian has to fetch a whistle on a submarine from the "Year of Blood" which I know nothing about either because it's something new Gleason has come up with or it's something that happened during the years I wasn't reading comic books or it's that thing where Damian killed lots of assassins while Talia trained him that I can barely remember. I've been playing too much Nethack again so I'm totally into this pet/whistle connection thing going on. While Damian is down in the sub, something from behind a sealed door calls out his name. It makes Damian sweat so it must be super scary. Like Japanese Urban Legends scary!

Damian uses the magic whistle to control Goliath and they beat up a few more guards before escaping. But Goliath flies too high so that Damian passes out to have a nice dream with Dick in it. Although it quickly goes from a pleasant dream where Damian is treating Dick like crap to a nightmare where Batman is interrogating Damian about "The Year of Blood."

Damian wakes up screaming the way he never does because it would indicate he isn't in as much control as he wants everybody to believe. He finds he's still on Al Ghul Island because he told Goliath to take him home and that's Goliath's home. It also gives Damian another opportunity to call something stupid. But after his dream, Damian figures he should probably stay on the island until he's dealt with The Year of Blood. So he heads back into the submarine to take a sneak peek at whatever was calling him from behind the door.

Was Damian working for Planetary that year?

On board the submarine are all the trophies Damian kept after concluding every mission during the Year of Blood. One trophy per day. Now Damian wants to begin the Year of Atonement where he redeems himself for every trophy he took during the Year of Blood. So "Robin, Son of Batman" is a bit like the comic book version of "Friday the 13th" the television show. And I bet the final day of Damian's atonement will be when he partakes of a Couples' Skate with Nobody Jr. and then they kiss while sharing some nachos in the snack room. So cute!

Meanwhile in Nanda Parbat, Talia al Ghul climbs out of a crevice where she was dropped way back during Batman's search for Damian's corpse. She confronts a creature called the Lu'un Darga which bears nearly the same symbol as the symbol on the object Damian chose to atone for first. Damian's object was connected to something called "The Guardian" and had six little whisker arrow things pointing up. Lu'un Darga's symbol has six little whisker arrow things pointing down! I bet the Guardian was supposed to have kept Lu'un Darga in its pit but Damian killed the Guardian! Or, you know, something vaguely like that or something.

Robin, Son of Batman #1 Rating: This feels like a near seamless continuation of Batman and Robin because, obviously, the art is exactly the same. But I feel like Gleason and Tomasi must have shared ideas on who Damian is and how he acts. Some might be thinking how wrong can somebody really write the little prick, right? But seriously, I can see Damian Wayne being written horribly. We need to share some kind of compassionate link with him. Early in the comic book when Damian is training alone in the Batcave, he stumbles over Alfred II and falls into a pit. He finds himself lying next to the skeleton of a bat. Now, I'm sure bats die and decay all the time in the cave, and this is probably one of them. But the way Damian looks at it, you can tell he's already realizing how much he has to atone for, even the smallest things he did like killing a bat in the batcave. He'll always have reminders of the person he used to be and he needs to find a way to set that boat sailing away as his father once, I guess, said. And Gleason sets it up nicely to have the daughter of Nobody as Damian's foil for the series. I would probably give this start an A+ if I wasn't such a monstrous asshole. Instead it gets a C- because I have a reputation to uphold!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1

Is this comic going to tell the tales of their alternate dimension shenanigans where Power Girl winds up married?

I think this is going to be one of those comic books that I don't need to write much about because I don't really need to remember what's going on from month to month. And everybody pretty much knows what they're going to get with an Amanda Conner/Jimmy Palmiotti slashfic by this point. Although throwing Justin Gray into the mix is kind of kinky.

The issue begins with Harley Quinn and Power Girl having been teleported to La Galaxia del Sombrero by The Clock King. Harley and Kara run into a horny Yoda dude. Then they encounter an eight-headed hydra thing which swallows Power Girl much the way the horny Yoda dude wanted to do. But playa didn't have no game. He was all, "There's a party in my pants and I already came. Oh. I said that wrong. Meet my hydra!" And then the hydra was all, "Roar! Gulp! Boing!" And Harley was all, "Holee holee holee holee!" And DC Comics was, "Is this check big enough, Mister and Missus Amanda Conner?!" And Justin Gray was all, "Can't we do a waaaAAAaaaaAAAaaar stoooOOOooooOOOOoOOOoooreeeeEEEEeEEEeee?" And I was all, "No way in hell am I going to take this commentary seriously."

Eventually, a massive robot head lying in an overgrown jungle welcomes Kara back and initiates the Love Nest Protocol. I think that means she's going to have to slip into something more comfortable! Which, judging by her regular costume, will turn this into a Mature-rated comic book.

The robot head offers to take Harley and Karen to the man behind the Love Den, Lord Vartox. He's currently busy right now with Oreth Odeox.

Judging by his outfit, his facial hair, and an earlier mention of his penchant for free love and a fetish for humans, this is probably the tamest way Lord Vartox could have been introduced.

Holee word that doesn't normally rhyme with holee but Harley makes rhyme with holee by adding "-olee" to it, the ladies' ship gets shot out of the air and crash lands on the planet. I bet Power Girl is going to be angry! And Harley will be somewhat nonplussed and maybe a little bit too excited.

Oreth Odeox has taken it upon himself to rid the universe of hedonism. So he's a bit like the Guardians with their mission to rid the universe of masturbation! That makes Oreth the second worst villain (after the Guardians!) to ever appear in a DC Comic book. Why is the Justice League battling Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor? They should be battling all of these aliens that want to end orgasms.

This guy has a low bar definition for prostitution!

Power Girl decides that lost on an alien planet and surrounded by hostile alien creatures who are comparing her private parts to the feet of alien animals is the best time to lecture Harley about not killing sentient creatures. I suppose there's no better time for it, really, since if she doesn't tell Harley this exact second, a lot more alien creatures are going to die. Harley's defense is that it was a tiny gun and she really didn't expect it to be so powerful. Power Girl should understand that because, let's face it, hasn't Power Girl most likely killed multiple humanoid aliens whose bones just weren't able to take the same amount of beating as a human? She'd only discover that after smashing them into jelly with a punch that should have just knocked them out, right? No way Superman hasn't accidentally killed a human or five dozen in his life just calibrating the right amount of power to put behind his punches. Plus what if it's an extra sunny day and he's got a bit more power than usual so that his usual force is just a bit more lethal than normal?

See? Those guys are in hazmat suits for a reason! I bet those with damaged suits are now dead! Or maybe they just didn't want to get any semen on themselves.

Intermission mit Spoilers: I watched The Babadook last night and lost interest in whether the mother survived the trauma after she killed her dog, whether she was possessed or not! For those two people that didn't notice, Babadook equals A Bad Book. One thing the movie helped me realize is just how terrifying being schizophrenic can be. I'm not saying the mother was schizophrenic; she was just having a severe mental breakdown brought on by years of guilt, grief, stress, and overexertion. But because experiences on LSD are about as close as one can get to schizophrenia, and because I love LSD (although it's been about thirteen years since I last did any hallucinogens (or any drugs stronger than a Vicodin)), I always thought it would be interesting to live with that perspective on a daily basis. I wasn't totally naive though! I knew it would also be exhausting and often confusing in the moments when your perception really skews and you lose all sense of ego or time or place. And it probably wouldn't be as enjoyable without being able to find a peaceful moment where you could reflect on and contemplate your experiences of warped perception. But The Babadook was a well done portrait of just how terrifying madness can be. The end!

That Intermission was brought to you by Power Girl's sound effect (BADABOOOM!) which reminded me of what I watched at three in the morning last night.

Power Girl and Harley Quinn meet up with some residents of Planet Let's Fuck, Baby. They believe Power Girl is "the mother to all." I think that means Vartox has a machine that turns his sperm into people and he extracts his sperm with a special medical device called a "Power Girl Fuck Android."

I bet his teleportation ring is his anal sphincter! Is that too naughty for Amanda, Jimmy, and Justin's little bit naughty book?

Before Power Girl and Harley Quinn can be led to Vartox, they're beset upon by dozens of Odeox's henchmen in hover cycles. Be with us next time when we'll hear Harley say, "Holee Karflippian Toeee, we're skunked!"

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1 Rating: Let's face it. This feels a little lazy. I'm not sure it was worth paying three writers to produce this story about two female superheroes dealing with a planet full of repressed fascists with an unhealthy obsession with quenching some of the best body fluids evolution ever invented. Stephane Roux is killing it on the art though. She should get the biggest cut of the book. I expect next issue's bawdiness will be funny because it's funny and not just funny because it's bawdy. This issue's jokes were not as well crafted as my $3.99 would have expected. There was a horny Yoda which was funny because he was Yoda but horny. There was a love den which was funny because it had lava lamps and 1970s smells which was funny because this generations' grandparents were swingers. One guy was named Mo'zit Blaqhed which was funny because his entire head was covered in zits and then Harley shot it with a gun and popped it like a big zit. Power Girl's camel toe was mentioned which was totally hilarious because she probably would have one, right?! Stupid comic books not being realistic enough to show camel toe. You know Superman and Flash would have pretty major moose knuckles, right? Then a black guy with an afro named Groovicus Mellow appeared to call Power Girl the "foxiest mama in the universe" which was totally hilarious because black people talked that way in the late sixties and seventies! Plus half of his afro was burnt off and he had a beard like Carl Anderson (and everybody else in Jesus Christ Superstar, really). Am I too grown up for a comic book like this?! No, no. The comic book isn't grown up enough for me to completely support it! It needs to be filthier! It needs to go full on Heavy Metal! Or worse! Although I'm having a hard time thinking what would be worse than Heavy Metal. Maybe a cartoon full of naked people but with a soundtrack by Linkin Park and Coldplay?