Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders #2

Chip Kidd has gotten sloppy with his cropping.

This issue say Batman and the Outsiders on the cover so if you were a Batman and the Outsiders fan, you might think, "Hey! Maybe I should pick this up and enjoy some sweet, sweet on the bus stealth masturbation in my pants with this comic on my lap!" But you'd be wrong because you should only masturbate in public even if you are female and I'd like to see that while riding the bus. But especially if you're a guy because I don't want to see your O-face or have to dodge your bodily fluids when you reach enlightenment. Is that how you reach enlightenment? If it is, I must be doing it wrong because I usually just reach naptime. Maybe I just need more practice?

Anyway, what I was trying to say before my brain sidetracked me is that Batman and the Outsiders fans are going to be disappointed when they open this book and realize they're reading an OMAC comic book instead. Fucking OMAC. This is where if I touted myself as an unbiased comic book review site, I'd say, "Now, I have nothing against OMAC but when I purchase a Batman and the Outsiders comic book, I want to read Batman and the Outsiders." But I'm a completely biased comic book review site and I have everything against OMAC. Even DC Comics decided he was stupid which is why they changed his name from One Man Army Corps to something else which I can't remember. And he's always taking orders from artificial intelligence trying too hard to seem human. So for a long time, "Brother" Eye gave him "suggestions" on how to "save" the world. This comic book begins with not Brother Eye commanding him but Godmother. So I guess this is going to be some kind of fairy tale? Will OMAC eventually become a real princess/boy/woman respected for her accomplishments instead of just her good looks (although she'll still have the good looks because Hollywood is pretty sure audiences only have a limited ability to suspend disbelief)? Although now I'm sort of hoping this comic book goes all Boxing OMAC on me.

Geoforce does manage to show up on about page four which I'm grateful for. Not because I like Geoforce! It's just that a knife in the kidney is better than a thin, long needle up the urethra. I think. Having never experienced both of those things, I can't really compare.

Hey Letterer! That guy flying up in the air in the second panel? Not Geoforce.

Black Lightning is busy recovering from Sudden Onset Lightning Powers while a little kid bothers him. Then a big kid named Batman bothers him with the usual Bat-orders: "Drop everything and do what I say!" He probably stamps his foot as he says it while Alfred mutters to himself about spoiled brats and shitty health care.

Halo has recently exploded out of a coma burying Katana and a number of the hospital staff in rubble. But that's okay! She's a hero! Normal people should be glad to sacrifice their lives for added drama in the lives of super heroes.

Jesus Christ, Letterer. Am I going to have to continually correct you?! It's GABY not GABBY!

I suppose I should learn who the letter is on this comic book but I haven't hit the credits page yet and I don't want to skip ahead and see spoilers! Plus I should probably be yelling at Andreyko and not the letterer. Andreyko is definitely the one that scripted Halo yelling "Katana" and not "Tatsu" like she probably would have. Maybe Halo just learned, after repeatedly being threatened with hospitalization for punctured lungs, not to call Tatsu by her name in public.

Meanwhile Rex and Sapphire climb out of the shower and wrap camping tarps around their naked bodies because they're fucking weird, I guess. Metamorpho grosses Sapphire out. I don't mean he started making racist comments! He just turned into a monster while they were fucking and had trouble keeping his face from sliding off of his "skull." Skull is in quotation marks because Metamorpho doesn't really have a skeleton until he thinks about it and makes one for himself.

How does Metamorpho control his ability? If I had the ability to turn myself into any element, I doubt my body would respond to my brain thinking, "Turn into gold!" What do I know about the properties of gold?! It's shiny and it's the color of gold! Half of that you could have guessed without even having ever seen gold in real life! At least I could probably come up with a semblance of gold. Maybe pyrite. But how would I turn into other elements like magnesium? Or neon? Or Einsteinium? Is that one?

Geoforce meets up with OMAC and I forgot that Geoforce's name had a hyphen in it. I don't care. I don't think it should have a hyphen in it so I'm going to stubbornly refuse to type it correctly. Later I might even misgender him for kicks.

Batman and the other Outsiders arrive to help Geoforce defeat OMAC which is when I learn the letterer is Steve Wands. Don't worry, Steve! I'm not going to blame you for the previous gaffs. I'm sure they were due to Andreyko's scripting. And if you write anything about one of the characters being raped, I won't blame you for that either. We all know who's responsible for that! *touches side of nose because I think it means something*

The rest of the comic will probably be one long fight followed by an earthquake followed by everybody hugging Halo because she's better while Metamorpho cries in the corner.

Black Lightning insulting Batman to his face.

The earthquake actually hits in the middle of the fight because why not get that editorial mandated crap out of the way as soon as possible. After that, Andreyko returns to making mistakes in his script.

Halo was in a coma for the same amount of time Rex was human. She doesn't know he's "back"! It's also possible Steve fucked this up and that should have been Tatsu's line. Maybe I should just blame Marc and Steve equally for all of the mistakes.

Batman and the Outsiders defeat OMAC and he disappears along with Kamandi's New York. I guess. I actually don't think any of the cities will remain non-existent at the end of this. I think some of the creative teams took the Multiversal Thunderdome too seriously. Especially since these battles are set up in such a way that a city shouldn't disappear simply because one of the city's champions lost their own individual battle. I bet at the end of Convergence somebody snaps their fingers and all the worlds magically wind up in a happy place where their universe gets to exist in a state that never changes from each huge pending Crisis (in this case, Crisis on Infinite Earths).

After the battle, Batman is all, "Hey Rex! I hope you're not planning on killing yourself now? Oh wait! You can't kill yourself! Ha ha!" And then Rex is all, "Don't be too sure about that! Elemental Woman took her own life! Or will take her own life! Or...do Vertigo books count in our universe?" And then the story ends and everybody lives ambiguously ever after!

Convergence: Batman and the Outsiders #2 Rating: I enjoyed the art! It was happening! The story was average. There were mistakes. So I guess I'll rate this comic book 6 Roy G. Bivs out of Ten!

Divergence: Batman Beyond
"Trapped in the future, Tim Drake becomes the new Batman Beyond as he protects a Gotham City that stands on the edge of a great disaster."

I bet all of the Terry McGinnis fans are dancing in the streets over this decision, amirite?! That was sarcasm! I probably shouldn't use sarcasm because it makes me sound like Chandler Bing and nobody knows who that is anymore. The good thing about Tim Drake having time traveled to become Batman Beyond is that my theory about Tim Drake being Harvest has inched that much closer to being correct! He's got thirty five years of the time travel part down! Now he just needs to time travel another 965 years and somehow become a vampire!

In the Sneak Peek, Tim Drake learns that he needs to fight cyborgs and rescue survivors in the name of Terry McGinnis. Terry McGinnis fans learn that this comic book sucks donkey vomit. I think it's just more Futures End repackaged in a less interesting, um, package! And it's written by Dan Jurgens so it'll be set in the future but it'll feel an awful lot like 1986.

Convergence: Hawkman #2

I need a lot more practice drawing with my new touchpad.

Last issue ended without revealing who Hakwman's enemy was going to be in the big battle that doesn't matter anymore because it's been over for a week and I'm the only one still reading it. Heck, the entirety of Convergence was over sometime in the fall of last year when it was announced, fans discussed what they thought it all meant, then moved on and never actually cared about what it actually ended up meaning because most fans just love the sounds of their own voices.

Shut up. I'm no fan! I'm a critic! No! I'm le critic! It's fancier!

Hawkman and Hawkwoman have been battling Thanagarian rebels but now they've stopped fighting because Telos told them they were needed in a different fight. Hawkman is all, "Oh yeah! I'm gonna smash some guy in the face with my mace!" And Hawkwoman is all, "I'm a woman! Don't call me girl!" And the Thanagarian Rebels are all, "Why bother? The Bacon Maker has claimed the end of the world is nigh and when was the last time the Bacon Maker was wrong?" And my friend Doom Bunny was all, "I like my bacon limp! With a side of snickering at the word limp!"

The Hawks head out to find their opponents and run into a swarm of Man-Bats! I think they're Kamandi Man-Bats though and not the usual "drink a sketchy formula" Man-Bats. That still doesn't forgive them for being Man-Bats.

The Men-Bat realize they can't win so they decide to lead them over the Valley of the Rats because the Rats have all the good shit like stationary running wheels, and little plastic logs to hide in, and great big water bottles, and a chewed up bit of something or other that they all love to gnaw on.

Fucking rats! Nobody is surprised that rats and bats are working together! They're basically the same thing! Also, nobody is surprised that the fucking rats turned on the bats and blasted them along with Hawkman. Fucking rats.

The Hawks are going to win this battle easy because in a game of Hawk, Rats, Bats, and Lizard, Hawks beat everything. Their all the natural prey of hawks! And it doesn't matter if the Rats and Bats are walking, talking humanoid creatures because the Hawks are too! This comic book should be over in a few pages now. The last few pages will be Katar and Shayera vomiting up tiny bones.

Why did they take off his shirt but not hers? These rats are gay.

See? These rats want to upgrade to bats! They know they're just one solo flight away from being a hoity-toity bat! I don't think bats are hoity-toity but my friend Doom Bunny does. I think it's because of their turned up little noses.

Hawkman learns that the missile he and his lady are strapped to is filled with poison and about to be launched into Gotham City. Hawkwoman just stays out of the conversation because she still has her shirt on. That means she's calm! And not interesting to me!

"So humans! The tables are turned! Who poisons whom now?! Bwa ha ha ha!"

Hawkman notices that Shayera kept her shirt on and he's all, "Look at how calm you are in the face of me wanting a hand job just before we die!" And she's all, "Thank you!" And he's all, "Just touch my Nth metal! Come on! Just a little bit. Or just look at it even. Look longingly at it! Lick your lips. Oh mama!"

See?! They should have removed her shirt! And her pants and her underwear just in case! Stupid fucking rats!

The missile launches after the Hawks dive off of it but somebody blasts it with a laser and it turns around and lands on most of the rats. Stupid fucking rats. Stick to running mazes for bits of cheese! Who ever heard of a rat into aerospace engineering?! What does it think it is? A bat?!

As the Hawks begin to fly away, the Man-Bats return! The Man-Bat that thinks he's Cable declares how awesome it is that "rodents of the air and land finally unite." I know, right?! Just think how easy those mazes would be with air support?

If people had wings, would we experiment on bats instead of rats?

The people who destroyed the missile were...the Thanagarian Rebels! What?! That's not anything like Han Solo returning to save the day! Mostly because there were no rats and bats in Star Wars. Okay there was that Mouse Droid. And Salacious Crumb. And the Mynoks. Those are all kind of ratty and batty!

After the rats are defeated, the leader of the Thanagarian Rebels gives Hawkman the Bacon Maker. He and Shayera use it to get a glimpse of the future and witness Crisis on Infinite Earths. They're all, "Whoa! Good thing we missed that! Let's go fuck!" The end!

Convergence: Hawkman #2 Rating: I like how it ended with them fucking. Maybe they didn't fuck in your copy but the very last panel was a white panel and I just happened to have a marker, so my comic book ends with them fucking. I'd scan it for everybody to see but what would the little kids think? They'd be all, "Why does that man have an eel attached to his groin and why is it spraying mayonnaise all over that mound of strange flesh between Hawkwoman's legs?! And why do I feel so awesome down in my belly area!?" We can't have that! This comic book rates Five Traumatized Children out of Ten.

Divergence: Grayson
"Everything changes as Helena takes over SPYRAL! Plus: Grayson gets a new partner!"

I hope "everything" doesn't change because this was the best book of The New 52 before Convergence and we all want that to remain the same!

I wonder if Helena can now command Grayson to get naked? Can she authorize herself to give strip searches? With happy endings?

The story begins with Helena jumping out of some kind of super duper flying machine while Grayons and Agent One bicker on the radio in her ear. Then the action changes to Dick aboard an airplane talking to some kid in a Batman shirt. Dick is all, "Ugh. You like Batman?" And the kid is all, "Yeah! He's cool!" And Dick is all, "Have you ever heard of Nightwing? I hear he's more cooler!" And the kid is all, "That guy? He's dead!" Then some shady motherfucker throws Dick against the emergency exit door which Dick "accidentally" opens and the kid is sucked out of the plane. Dick follows because even though the kid likes Batman, he still doesn't deserve to die.

And Dick, you know, doesn't have a parachute or anything. What the fuck, Grayson?! Why you always gotta show everybody up with how brave and kind and nice and awesome you are? You're the worst. But in like the best possible way.

Luckily Helena arrives to give him a parachute just in the nick of time.

See? I knew I put the quotes around "accidentally" for a good reason.

How come Tom King's eight page stories are better than so many other people's full length stories? I'd pay $2.99 just for these! Well, maybe I'm being hyperbolic but I think you get the point. So good!

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #2

Okay but seriously, this issue is going to be called "Gorilla Warfare," right?!

I spent all day setting up a new laptop. Most of that involved networking it with my old laptop and transferring my iTunes library. The other major hurdle was digging up the installation disks of all the ancient programs I use in making my fantastic web presence known. I still use Microsoft Frontpage 2000 but mostly because it's like an HTML Notepad. It doesn't force a lot of stupid code into every new document you open and you can just barebones program the ass-fucking fuck out your page in much the same way that that cowboy webpaged up that other cowboy in that movie I never saw that was about quitting smoking. I also use Corel Photo-paint because I've been working on Dwarflover, a web comic, off and on for the last fifteen years. Since it's a collage comic, all of my regularly featured characters and their multiple body parts for ease of making action packed panels exist as Corel Photo-paint files. Plus I use so few features on these old programs that it's easier to tear my house apart to find the installation disks than to learn an updated program. Although I hate updated programs because I'm always getting buried in all the bells and whistles. When people say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, they're right even if they're right in the wrong way. Old dogs don't learn new tricks because fuck you and your stupid tricks. I'm enjoying not acting like a fool and jumping through your Goddamned hoops just fine, assholes.

So now I'm going to open this comic book and read "Gorilla Warfare!" by Marv "Can't Imagine Why I Haven't Retired Yet" Wolfman!

You know what? That's not fair to Marv. I think it's about time I come clean and tell everybody why I seem so biased toward Marv's writing in The New 52. It's because I am. That motherfucker lied right to my face at an Elfquest panel at Comicon fifteen years ago and said that the Elfquest movie was in motion and would be in theaters in just a few years! How dare you destroy all of my young hopes and dreams?! You, Marv Wolfman, are the reason my wonder died of starvation and my innocence was flushed down the toilet! I'm not surprised all of your comic book plots involve rape of some kind seeing as what you did to my tender, young, optimistic past self!

This issue also doesn't have a title. That's weird enough for me to rest my Sherlock Holmesian case and say Marv did name it "Gorilla Warfare" but the editors thought better of it and just left the story without a title.

But before we can get to the gorillas, Superman and Supergirl need to defeat all of the Phantom Zone criminals who don't understand that Jor-el saved their fucking lives. How about trying this next time you get the chance to escape the Zone, guys? Shake Superman's hand. Thank him profusely. Walk out of the Phantom Zone. Put on a pair of glasses. Get a job at the Daily Planet.

Is there a particular reason Kryptonians in the Phantom Zone are so strong? Was this in the era where anybody from Kryptonian was a super-person the instant they left Krypton's suck-ass heavy gravity and horrible chemical pollutants and debilitating bovine growth hormone?

Meanwhile in New York, Kamandi watches an army of talking gorillas battle an uppity talking humanoid rhino. Those guys are always sticking their noses into other animal's business! Don't hate me for that joke! Also don't point out that a Rhino's horn isn't a nose or anything like a nose because it's actually hair coated in semen.

Lucius manages to reopen the portal to the Phantom Zone and Supergirl and Superman escape after some minor drama.

This new laptop is so beautiful and powerful that I really should be using it to play games and not writing about comic books. I'm practically ignoring its sexy sleek design for something that costs five hundred times less than it! Or something. I'm not a mathematician! At least not anymore. Taking Calculus in high school as college prep and then having to take it yet again my first year of college as a math prerequisite for the computer engineering degree I abandoned for literature helped me realize that I never really cared how much water a dam could hold. Derivate this, assholes!

Lucius is the exact opposite of me! He knows so many math equations that his brain doesn't have room for trite and boring cliches.

The fire that Lucius is trying to describe is a city full of apes armed with automatic rifles. That looks like a job for Superman! Or The Flash.

Superman meets Kamandi who acts like a total fanboy. Superman is all, "I know, I know. Pretty fucking amazing, aren't I?" Supergirl meets General Symian and the reaction is a little bit worse. She punches an ape in the face and doesn't seem to have any qualms about it. I guess once an animal starts speaking, it becomes fair game for abuse from humans. But just think if the city were invaded by talking humanoid kittens and baby goats? Who would come to the rescue then?! Some asshole that loves punching cute things, I guess! Batman?

The apes blow up a building (probably a famous one that New Yorkers jerk off over constantly while they point out how stupid people from Chicago sound) so that they can get away while Superman acts like Superman and rescues people in trouble. He knows that he can deal with the damn, actually quite hygienic ape after the humans are safe. Plus he's met his new friend Kamandi who knows a lot about where General Symian likes to hang out, like the pond at Central Park or the dark theater just off of Times Square with the glory holes that look just like gaping ape sphincters. Probably because they are.

That first ape was talking real sexy before General Symian had to get all kill crazy.

General Symian captures Superman and chains him to a nuclear missile because he's obviously been reading too many of Kamandi's "ancient texts." Just murder him, you stupid ape! Oh wait. He's Superman. How do you murder Superman? I guess you could try strapping him to a...oh! I get it now! Keep up the good work, General! You are using Kryptonite for those chains, right? Otherwise...well, you know.

Guess what happens?! The otherwise! Superman easily breaks out of the chains and then flies the nuclear missile up into the sky while Supergirl rescues Kamandi. Supergirl's other job is to punch more monkeys.

That sounds like it would make a fun board game. Is this an acceptable trademark of Punch More Monkeys? I will sue your ass if you steal my idea for a game!

Supergirl just throws one punch to defeat the monkeys which is anti-climactic. That's how most of my loads and loads of Canadian and Summer Camp ex-girlfriends described me! Anti-climactic!

Kamandi is all, "Well, I guess you won and I'm going to stop existing soon. I'm going to go spend the last few seconds of everything with my friends." And Superman is all, "Great! Nice to meet you! Take care!" Then the earthquake hits and the story claims to be continued in Convergence #6. Which I guess it kind of was. Sort of.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #2 Rating: This issue wasn't bad. I was hoping for a really touching moment between Kal and Kara since Kara knows she's going to be dead soon (or at least truly believes it). Instead she just hides her feelings about it and tells Superman that she's just really worried about him. Could you worry any more about something with next to no chance of it happening?! He's Superman! Unless Lex Luthor straps on a kryptonite condom and buggers Superman in the K-hole (we would also have accepted the euphemism, "Fortress of Solitude"), he pretty much can't die. Anyway, this issue rates Six and a Half Headbands out of Ten.

Divergence: Martian Manhunter
"J'onn J'onzz always said he was the last of his kind. He lied. When Mars launches a full-scale invasion of Earth, the Manhunter will have to decide where his loyalties lie."

Please! We all know where J'onn's loyalties lie! Can Martians make Oreos? No? Well then! Kill the fuck out of those bastards!

NASA has lost contact with a man-and-womanned mission to the moon so the woman in charge, Helen Demoff, called in Martian Manhunter to check it out. She's all, "We need to study him because he's an alien that doesn't look human so can we really trust him? I mean, he's green! Plus, did you check out the Abs-Window on that uniform? GOOSH!" She also makes sure to explain his powers since most people that aren't huge DC Comics fans have just read the title of this Sneak Peek and went, "Who? What the fuck is a J'onn J'onzz?"

J'onn mentions, just before finding three dead astronauts torn apart by a white martian, that he experiences past memories constantly due to his psychic connection to everything. So he basically hallucinates as he walks around the surface of the moon. He also mentions how if the humans knew how harrowing his every day experience was due to being so closely tied to the trauma of his past, they would fear him even more than they already do. And then the white martian shows up and it says J'onn's name and I think it calls itself Epiphany and then it heads to Earth to cause trouble.

J'onn reports back to NASA and is all, "Yeah, um, the screen door on the lunar lander failed. Repeat. Screen door failed. All dead. No martian murderers up here. Also I'm pretty sure I wasn't hallucinating and that I didn't accidentally kill the astronauts although who can really say being that my experience of reality is kind of fucked up." And Helen Demoff is all, "Um, thanks for your help!" And Helen's assistant mutters under his breath, "Should have called Superman."

I think Martian Manhunter's series is going to be the Memento of comic books this year. Look to be confused by it when it hits the stands next month!

Convergence: The Flash #2

Out of 22 Convergence two issue sets so far, I've only picked up three where both covers had the Chip Kidd Variant. All these mismatched covers are probably hurting my collection! I should sue my Local Comic Book Shop!

Last issue ended with Barry Allen running into Tangent Universe Superman. Normally I'd suggest that they run a foot race to decide the winner of this contest but since it was determined in DC Comics Presents #1 that they're equally as fast (unless the ending was actually more ambiguous than I remember), and since Tangent Universe Superman is a magic being, I'm going to suggest something completely wild for their competition: card tricks! Think about it! Magic Superman should know loads of card tricks because he's, you know, magic! And what is magic except legerdemain? And legerdemain means "having fast hands" or something. Which is totally in Barry's wheelhouse!

Now I have to ask Lord Google what a wheelhouse is and what it has to do with a person's talents! Oh! It has to do with steamboat captains hitting home runs! Now I get it!

Stop running your mouths and pick a card already!

This issue is called "Race to the Finish" because it is a comic book about The Flash. What else could Dan Abnett have called it? "Hanging Out With Mr. Allen"?

By page four, the only running pun is the title of the story. And Tangent Superman has simply talked the entire time while Barry keeps responding, "So, like, we're supposed to fight or something?" Tangent Superman gains my estimable esteem by pointing out how nonsensical the original Star Trek episodes were. You might think he just means the ones where advanced beings make lesser beings battle but those are actually the ones that make the most sense! What's better than watching two roosters claw each other to death, amirite?! When is the last time any of you watched the original Star Trek and weren't twelve years old? Especially the episodes written by Roddenberry. I wonder why nobody ever explained to Roddenberry that an analogy was a way of telling one story by telling a different story that has no seeming similarities to the story the writer actually wants to tell? I think Roddenberry just thought an analogy was telling a story about 1960s human civilization but in space with aliens that looked just like humans and were dealing with the exact same thing with which 1960s humans were dealing.

It's a good thing that fact is simple because those are the only facts Barry can understand! Zoom! I mean Zing!

If Tangent Superman were as smart as he's saying he is, he'd realize that he's not convincing Barry to fight him at all! He's just giving Barry something to prove. I don't care how smart and magical Tangent Superman might be. The Flash can travel through time! The Flash can run at the speed of light! The Flash can vibrate his molecules until I can think up a joke for this third sentence because that's how comedy works! Tangent Superman has already lost this battle.

Now I want to see a fight between Midnighter and The Flash. Can Midnighter predict everything The Flash is going to do when The Flash can do five million things before Midnighter can even finish predicting The Flash's second move?

They're ramping up to the card trick face-off! Tangent Superman is so smart I bet he's dumb in whimsy! So Barry will win by challenging him to Fifty-two Card Pick-up!

So far this has been eight pages of these two guys just talking on the roof of a hotel and it's been one of the best issues of Convergence yet! Finally some thinkers working through the problem without worrying about some kind of time limit. I guess Barry never has to worry about time limits, and Tangent Superman figures he's already won. All those other super heroes panic too easily and figure they need to throw the first punch or they might lose.

And then on page nine, Barry throws the first punch. I spoke too soon! Coward! (It's still the best Convergence match-up so far!)

The Flash and Tangent Superman punch each other for a few fairly silent pages and it's enjoyable. I'm actually enjoying a fight sequence! I think because it was set up so nicely with the talking and the speaking and The Flash's inferiority complex. Eventually Tangent Superman uses his powers to stop The Flash's synapses from firing which if you're into biology means that The Flash loses. I guess. What's a synapse?! Wasn't that a tech company in the eighties out of Silicon Valley? How does keeping them from making employees redundant stop The Flash in his tracks?! It must have to do with time travel.

The Flash admits (under duress though!) that Tangent Superman outclasses him. Once Tangent Superman drops the synapse block, The Flash tries to surrender but Tangent Superman wisely stops him. I love that Tangent Superman is supposed to be hyper-intelligent and he actually acts like it! This is the part where I give Dan Abnett a rimjob for actually writing characters well. A figurative rimjob!

Tangent Superman realizes that while everybody on Planet Brainiac is divorced from their timeline, Barry is "disconnected from all multiversal timelines." That's because the asshole created them all in that Tale of Two Flashes comic book! Jerko!

This page gave me goosebumps.

After realizing that Barry is needed in the battle against the Anti-Monitor or else all the multiverses will die (including Marvel's, probably!), Tangent Superman yields and allows The Flash to win. To save DC Comics, he sacrifices the Tangent Universe because does anybody actually care about it? Just throw it in the trash alongside Jim Lee's Wildstorm! Don't worry, fans of those Earths! They still exist in The New 52 Multiverse somewhere! I think!

The issue ends with Barry saying something about not running from his destiny because of course it does! The Flash needs to go to a support group so he can stop dropping running analogies into every story he's in!

Convergence: The Flash #2 Rating: I really enjoyed this one because it had smart characters talking like they're smart! I mean one smart character and Barry! Zip! I mean zing! I give it 9.5 Cosmic Treadmills out of 10! This comic ran circles around the other Convergence comics!

Divergence: New Suicide Squad
"An unstable, violent group has broken away from the League of Assassins and only the World's Greatest Villains stand a chance of stopping them!"

Oh boy! A Suicide Squad composed of the World's Greatest Villains instead of the usual C-Listers that make the group more interesting! Here we go again with Sean Ryan at the helm filling the Squad with ringers that we all know won't die! I think this comic book title needs a new title! How about World's Greatest Villains Squad?

It's weird how little faith DC Comics has in a Suicide Squad built up around C-Listers. They're thinking too hard about this comic book. Maybe it will fail with C-Listers since you really do need an all-star writer to make that book interesting. And I suppose they can't risk this book failing with the movie on the horizon and all. It's got to be on the shelves when the movie makes it popular. And now it's going to have to be composed of at least a good number of the characters in the movie Squad so that when movie fans pick it up, they won't be disappointed by finding a Squad full of characters they've never heard of. And of course, Harley Quinn must remain on the team to ensure a certain level of sales, even if she absolutely does not belong in this group.

The team battles a Rocket Red and Captain Boomerang acts brave and defeats it by murdering some soldiers and stealing a tank. Then when Amanda gives him some Warm Fuzzies, he says, "Tank you." That took me a minute to get the joke because I thought Sean Ryan was just trying to make him sound Australian and failing. Then some government types (you know? The kind that are always interfering with Task Force X?) decide to start ending the program somehow. To find out how, purchase New Suicide Squad #9! On sale in June! Or just read my commentary on it. Probably ready for public viewing in August! I'm so far behind!

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #2

Why is Guy Gardner arm wrestling John Belushi?

At the end of last issue, Guy Gardner had hopped on a motorcycle and headed out into the desert of Planet Brainiac to fight for Metropolis. He could have been flying but Hal Jordan bogarted all the magic ring juice and took off with the battery. This Guy is from the pre-Crisis On Infinite Earths Universe but I forget who all of his possible opponents are. I guess one of the cities stolen was 1976 New York if he's battling the Not Ready For Prime Time Players.

You can tell the characters in this comic book are from an earlier era because it begins with Hal Jordan being crushed in a giant fist while Guy Gardner Narration Boxes, "Nobody roots for Goliath. We all want to see the hero slay the giant." My oh my how that soon changed, right? When did we all begin rooting for the bad guys? I think it happened stealthily! First Hollywood got us used to rooting for heroes that killed wantonly! Then they got us rooting for awful people that were wronged by even awfuller people! Pretty soon, we couldn't get enough of bad guys ruining everybody's day! Unless that was just me. It's possible I'm the only one rooting for Goliath. I'm a jerk.

I knew somebody somewhere in one of these Convergence things would remind the readers about the greatest weapon ever invented! Stewart is just lucky he didn't accidentally kill Hal and a billion other people with it.

This should be the version of John Stewart that survives! Let the New 52 John die and let this one take his place because this John has never been tortured by asshole writers! This John is so happy and carefree that he can belittle Green Arrow in the middle of a dangerous fight!

John and Hal soon find themselves unconscious and helpless. Except they're too unconscious and helpless to find themselves that way so pretend I phrased that previous sentence differently. Now it's up to Guy Gardner and his mighty baseball bat to save the day! I think those are the only members of the Green Lantern Corps in attendance so Guy will have to do.

Make that Guy and his new dog will have to do. Although if this dog is from Kamandi's world, shouldn't it be walking upright and trying to get Guy drunk? Get it? Because dogs love to hump stuff! I mean, humans love to hump stuff too! It's just that civilized people have decided it's bad form to rub your naked genitals on unsuspecting guests. For some reason. Stupid civilized people.

Guy has some nightmares about Zod and Sinestro before he wakes up to find himself tied up by Hercules and Jennifer Monroe. Guy's new dog is their old dog, Basil. I don't know who these people are. I mean, I know who Hercules is! I was once a twelve year old boy! I read all about his labors! Like that one where he cleaned some shit with a river. Or the one where he killed the hydra! Or the one where he did that totally lame thing so nobody ever remembers it at all. And then there was the one where he had to make a Stymphalian Omelette! I think there were a few more too but they're unimportant and possibly too racy to discuss in this all ages commentary. Except for that one where he had to express Cerberus's anal glands! Gross!

I should write a comic book entitled "The True Twelve Labors of Hercules" which reveals that they were all really embarrassing so he kind of changed them up a bit in the retelling.

Have I mentioned that Jennifer Monroe is super cute with a luscious rump?! Well if I did, I was lying! You shouldn't be interested in her at all, you pervs! I hope Supergirl doesn't get jealous of me and Jenny Monroe.

Jenny and Hercules decide that if Basil trusts Guy, Guy must be okay. Before Guy parts company with them (they're going to help innocents; Guy is going to die...I mean fight the Anti-God), he decides to challenge Hercules for his "Impervious Armor."

Apparently demigods don't know all the modern techniques involved in arm wrestling. Can you believe Hollywood made an action flick about arm wrestling? Men are into the most boring pastimes!

Herc and Jenny-Jenny-Bo-Benny-My-Face-Is-In-Her-Fo-Fanny lead Guy Gardner to the edge of Durvale where the Anti-God's Chaos Storm rages like a raging normal storm but more chaotic. Guy has Herc throw him into the city because he's now wearing armor that leaves him impervious to harm. As he's flying through the air, he does an Andy Kaufman imitation which I don't understand. But that's not surprising since I never understood anything Andy Kaufman did! Especially the cancer thing. How was that joke funny?!

Guy finds John and Hal taking naps. Then there's this huge advertisement for DC Comics to try to distance themselves from The New 52 which lots of fans hated. But they're trying way too hard by nicknaming their universe the "DC You." Oh please! Stop fellating the fans that hate you! You're trying too hard, DC! You'll never have the kind of fan praise Marvel has because the love isn't divided equally between the two companies. It's all about branding and once a person takes to one brand, they'll stick with it for no reason at all yet make up as many reasons as they can why the brand they chose is the best! For whatever reason, you've been losing the Brand Loyalty Race for decades! Here's the thing about Marvel fans: whenever I'm around a Marvel fan, they constantly tell me why they like Marvel better than DC. And most of their reasons are the same bullshit I've heard my whole life! Look, I don't care if a person chose Marvel over DC, or DC over Marvel, or American Spirits over Marlboro!

You want to know the real secret to increasing your Brand Loyalty, DC? The one that doesn't involve giving free handjobs to every one of your potential fans? Hire the best writers and artists and just let them create great fucking stories. Guess what? If the writers and artists realize you're serious about less editorial control, they'll come in droves. And the fans will follow! Okay, not all the fans. But how are you going to win over all the Wolverine fans when you don't have access to Wolverine?! And who wants the Cyclops fans? Yuck!

Anyway, good luck, DC! You've got a shit ton of great characters. You just need to make sure you've got great writers who love them directing their stories.

Back to Guy's adventure, John and Hal decide Guy's alright in their book. You know, seeing as how he saved their asses.

Guy decides to recharge his Green Lantern ring even though he was doing just fine with a baseball bat and a motorcycle.

Guy's plan to kill the Anti-God is to take it into space where it will react with regular old God and be destroyed. It also destroys positive matter God as well but it's not like he (or she!) was doing anything proactive with the universe. Good riddance!

After the victory, Guy celebrates in the best way ever!

Guy wins Multiversal Thunderdome!

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #2 Rating: It was pretty good because it had Guy Gardner in it and he bonded with a dog. What's better than that? Eight Bad Hair Cuts out of Ten!

Divergence: Gotham Academy
"Gotham Academy's newest student Damian Wayne drops by the academy -- and he is not pleased to meet his new classmates!"

I've actually got to go and I want to post this before I take off. So you all know how I feel about Gotham Academy. Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Now with more Damian Wayne! I'll read the Sneak Peek later and will love it. Read Gotham Academy, people! But don't read the parts with Maps because she's my favorite and I will not share her with you.

Convergence #7

I really wish Scott Lobdell would stop getting writing credits on these. It's biasing my whole take on the story!

I just realized last night that Grant Morrison's title, Batman Incorporated, was a pun! It didn't just mean that Bruce Wayne was turning Batman into an international business! It was about Grant Morrison incorporating every aspect of The Batman's long history into a coherent story about the one man. Nothing was out of continuity for Morrison. He found a reason for it all and "incorporated" it into the Batman he wrote for years. He was even allowed to continue writing Preboot Batman into the Reboot and tie him to Snyder's Batman as well. That guy can blow my mind even when I'm not paying attention.

I mention that here because where else am I going to mention it? In the new blog I'll be starting soon about playing every computer role playing game ever made like the way the CRPG Addict is doing but doing it all Iron Man style? I think I'll use his list and I won't go as in depth into the games as he did (because he did that already! What am I? Stupid! No way! I'm lazy! Duh!). I'll just approach them with a strategy to try to beat them in one play. When I die, I die and move on to the next one. I need to think of a name for the blog though, preferably one that describes what the blog is about as opposed to this blog name which is totally awesome but doesn't mention comics in it anywhere at all.

Speaking of comics, let's discuss the one I have in front of me right now! Not in depth! I'm just going to do a shallow read of the comic while making snarky remarks about the art and the pacing and the characterizations and the plots. I won't even recognize the theme if it has one! That's for poetic nerds with hearts and brains and love. Themes! Pshaw!

Anyway, I think the theme of Convergence is "look how messy converging things can be. Kind of like pressing that slice of bread with peanut butter on it against that slice of bread with jelly on it. Smoooooooosh!"

Scott Lobdell must begin the writing on this issue because it stars Oracle and guess what?! He's making him speak! And he's doing a thing with his hand! I think maybe Scott Lobdell took offense that Jeff King had Supergirl call Oracle retarded last issue.

Fuck you! The least powerful people in any universe are the omniscient ones! Talk about lacking freewill! No wonder Oracle looks like a big drooping cock. He's the most impotent motherfucker in creation!

You're blind, you big dumby, because you're a huge liar! If you can't see what happens next then you aren't omniscient. Have you ever considered that you're one of those fucking psychics that truly think they're psychic because they don't understand the difference between random thoughts and visions of the future?! I hate you Oracle! I hope you die because you aren't listening to Superman! Also, I think he might die here which is why he can't see what happens next. Hmm. I wonder what Alan Moore comic book Scott Lobdell stole that one from?! I mean, you know, if it happens.

Oh man I hope it happens! I've never been so excited to turn a page! I might even go for a walk just to savor the moment! No, no! I can't wait! Here it goes!

Well, he hasn't died yet! But maybe before this is all over!

I like how a great writer can write the smallest story in the world that has huge philosophical implications but Scott Lobdell has to create a cosmic creature that knows everything that has zero impact on the reader. It's not the huge splash that awes the viewer. It's the body passing through the surface without leaving any evidence behind that is the real trick, you stupid, clumsy beast!

Superman is busy saving Stormwatch from the temporal and antimatter energy cascading all over the local space around the planet lodged in some weird, dimensional sphincter. It makes no sense! Not the space sphincter! Superman having to save Stormwatch! They've faced worse than this at least six times before breakfast!

Zilius Zox continues to not be dead for some reason. And Guy Gardner is back in his old uniform with the big boots and the snazzy vest. Maybe it's the temporal thingamajigs?

Is there a super hero that is some kind of cosmic midwife? That's who they need to save this planet! I bet Marvel has a ridiculous superhero like that!

While the New 52 heroes look on in horror at what amounts to just another random space event that they really could just be ignoring if they had other things to do which they don't because all of their titles are on hiatus, every other hero from DC Comics history are busy punching each other in the face on the surface of Planet Brainiac.

But it doesn't last for too many pages because it's not as exciting as it sounds. We live in the video game age where we can enact this battle any time we want!

I like how Aquaman decided to ride Grodd and how Supergirl is basically disintegrating Ocean Master.

These little maniac superheroes love to fight! It's hard to get a decent screenshot of these assholes because as soon as you stick one bad guy into the mix, they go fucking nuts! I had other shots with Captain Marvel and Catwoman and Metamorpho and Blue Beetle and Fastback and Black Lightning and Captain Atom but it took me too long to figure out the screen shots and by then they'd killed the bad guys and moved on to other parts of the screen. This time I trapped them in STAR Labs but then I forgot to add a bunch of the other characters before I added Harley Quinn and they all went apeshit about her arrival. No offense intended, Grodd.

Anyway, the fight in the comic book ends when Telos erupts out of the ground in giant form. At least the brawl part of the fight ends. Once Telos arrives, Deimos turns his attention on Telos while everybody else stops fighting to enjoy the show.

The New 52 characters get a sneak peek at the alternate versions of themselves that exist when Planet Brainiac belches or something. It probably makes sense if you want to spend any of your precious life actually thinking about it. I wish Omniscient Narrators still existed so they would explain the comic books to me and I could just shut off my brain. Except that wouldn't work because my brain would constantly nitpick the writing and the art because I'm one of those jerk nerds that just can't help being a troll. I wish I were dead!

Except my death would merely give Deimos more power. That's what everybody finds out when Yolanda mentions it to Dick. Wonder Woman overhears the message and tells everybody else. Everybody else goes, "I don't know who that is but she's probably telling the truth!" Then they stop fighting. Which is the exact opposite of what comic book characters would normally do! If there's a chance at a misunderstanding, they're supposed to keep fighting! None of this believing something somebody said just because Wonder Woman claimed the woman was telling the truth. Since when did whatever version of Wonder Woman that was gain the power of her lasso just by looking deeply and seductively into another woman's eyes? I mean besides in my Paradise Island fan fiction?

In the end, Telos gains the upper hand. Sort of.

I bet Telos was the first Brainiac!

The person who asks "Nothing?" is Parallax. He's killed so many things that he thinks he can just go around killing whomever he wants. I guess that's why he eventually becomes The Spectre, right? That guy is a righteous asshole!

Parallax disintegrates Deimos before he can reveal Telos's true identity. I say who cares! Unless he had the power to give him back all of his memories so that Telos could be and remember the person he once was, it doesn't matter. What connection does Telos have to that past? The only reason it's important is because it will probably be a good comic book revelation to the fans!

Since Deimos was full of time traveler chewy goodness, pieces of time get all over everything when he explodes. It also gets all over The New 52 universe because Planet Brainiac was mostly in that universe when Deimos died. Oracle catches most of it in the face and begins to disappear. Everybody shouts, "Hooray!" And then Oracle's final words are about how reality is breaking apart and everybody shouts, "Again?!"

Convergence #7 Rating: This issue scores Ten Dead Oracles out of Ten because the worst character in The New 52 has finally died! I hope. He'd better not come back! The comic wasn't actually good enough to score a ten out of ten but who cares anyway? Did I tell you guys that Steve Pugh began following me on Twitter for some reason? I guess he likes seeing old comic book covers and panels with stupid jokes posted underneath them because that's all I use it for. Did I also mention that I have 21 Convergence comic books left to read? What a hassle!

Did you see IGN's blurb for the new Batgirl series in the advertisements? "Not your Daddy's Batgirl." That's so gross! Why did they capitalize daddy? That's weird, right? IGN had this to say about Gotham Academy: "Slick, charming, and, dare we say it, fun." Why would you have to be dared to say fun?! Is it a bad word? Are you too cool for comic book school, IGN? You can't enjoy fun comics without making a big show about it? You're low self-esteem is showing!

The Nerdist.com says this about Gotham Academy: "A little bit CW television series and a little bit Harry Potter, with a wee touch of manga-inspired storytelling...." It isn't any of those things in those portions at all! Your recipe is all wrong, Nerdist! Nobody is fucking anybody so it isn't anything CW! And I haven't seen an ounce of magic! And you're only calling it manga because of Maps and her brother, you racists!

DC Comics really should have gone with my blurbs for the books!

Gotham Academy: "I'm so old that my crush on Maps looks super pervy and gross!" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!
Batgirl: "I thought the ad said, 'A reinvention from the boobs up!' and I was all, 'I'll read that!'" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!
Grayson: "How do I get DC to use my blurbs? Do I have to say things like 'Dick is so good that I can't put it down!' and 'I haven't loved Dick this much since college!'?" -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #2

Hey DC! Pay more attention to where you stick the credits and the UPC Code! I'm having trouble jerking off here! Although the butthole with teeth is actually helping.

Last issue ended with Steel burned and broken by Gen 13 and her crew. Unless the crew is called Gen 13 and "Gen 13" is simply Fairchild. I think I've pointed out before how I didn't read any Image comic books because I was too discerning and intelligent and artistic and dignified. If I had read Image back then, I'd probably say that I read it because of a lot of the same adjectives because whatever I did (or would have done) was (or would have been?) the smart thing to do. If not reading Image was stupid on my part, I would have read Image! Thus it was stupid to read Image because I didn't read it! Q.E.D!

I've been giving 90s Image readers a hard time lately but I figure they can handle it. They must have huge piles of self-esteem if they weren't embarrassed to actually purchase Image Comics at their local comic book store.

Hopefully this issue ends with Streaky II escaping into the New 52 universe. It'll be a shame if Streaky II is stuck in whatever Limbo this Convergence universe gets stuck in. Although it looks like the entire planet might be moving into The New 52. It'll become the planet of continuity errors! Whenever some fangirl points out a flaw in a story, the writer can just say, "Oh, well that happened on Telos!" And then everybody can be...well, not happy, exactly but they can all kind of save face and just stop talking about it.

And the cat! Don't forget Streaky II!

Who wants to bet that when Nate and Jem take off to battle the other teenage heroes, Hamilton breaks every ethical vow he's ever taken and begins shooting Steel up with Nano-Bullshit! Sure he'll save Steel's life but it's theoretically the wrong thing to do! I think theoretical ethics and metaphysical philosophy trumps reality. But that's probably why I'm not an action hero! It's taking the bullet by the horns and just diving into the shooting ring that gets shit done! Not endlessly reblogging other people's opinions and adding, "THIS!"

Steel Girl and Steel Boy head out to find Gen 13 while hoping that Parasite has already taken care of them. Of course then they'll have to deal with Parasite. Or just run from Parasite. I suppose Parasite can be the hero of Metropolis and save it from nonexistence.

John wakes up and meets Streaky II. That's when he declares he wants a hit of whatever the cat got.

"John! We...let me turn this on and set up the needles...can't inject you with these...okay, that all looks good. Prepare for the injection...nanoparticles! There's no telling what...this will only pinch for a second and then you'll have super powers...they can do to you! I won't be a part of it! It's done!"

While John probably dies from being injected by unknown crap scraped from the inside of the dome, Steel Girl and Steel Boy contemplate teaming up with Parasite. But they're heroes! They're probably going to do the stupid and the right thing to do which is helping the other teenagers to survive! Afterward, they'll probably all go out roller skating and stop by the malt shop. Oh wait. This takes place in 1994, not 1954.

Gen 13 defeats The Parasite by covering him up with a dumpster. Well, that was easy. Other characters that can be defeated by being covered by a dumpster: Green Arrow, Speedy, Merlyn, Emiko, everybody else that uses a bow and arrow, and that's about it.

Steel Girl and Steel Boy see Gen 13 defeat Parasite and they yell, "That's our cue!" Now that Gen 13 have proven they can defeat somebody way more powerful than the Steel Kids, the Steel Kids attack because they suck at strategy and tactics and thinking.

Meanwhile John Henry steals Streaky II's thunder by living through the experiment and becoming as powerful as the cat. The only difference is that Steel cares about shit and Streaky II just wants to lick its shiny metal ass.

It forms anything you think of? That would be embarrassing! I'd probably jump out of bed with boobies and vaginas popping out all over me! And maybe a few cocks but that's only because seeing a hard cock is a turn on in certain contexts! I'm not into them all by themselves! I'm so straight the Romans based their systems of roadways on me! At least I think I'm straight. Can you truly be considered straight if no woman has ever let you put your dick inside of her?

Is it gay to stick chewed up Bazooka Joe bubble gum on the tip of your dick while one of your friends does the same thing and then stick them together? I mean as an elementary school kid! Not as a grown adult on lunch break at work!

The first thing Steel imagines is a bunch of bongs on his wrist. Then he makes some bongs on his back. Then he flies off to find his niece and nephew. He arrives just in time to steal (Get it?! Steel! Steal?!) all of the credit because the kids were actually doing just fine against the Parasite-weakened Gen 13.

And Streaky II too! How dare you forget him!

Just like most battles between good guys, the heroes begin to question why they're fighting after about eight minutes of battle. That's enough for the fanboys and fangirls to wet their unmentionables with unmentionable bodily fluids. Now it's time for one side to surrender so they can team up against Telos! Which actually just means ending this story while they wait for Convergence to end in the weekly books. Which it has already but I'm about two weeks behind in my reading. Stupid life and time and sleeping!

Steel tells the Gen 13 kids that he can beat Telos because he has Telos's seed inside of him. Maybe he says nanotech but seed sounded dirtier. Everybody makes up and decides to turn their attention to Telos. But that's when the Gen 13 kids disappear back through the portals from whence they came. And, presumably, became nonexistent because remember how San Diego disappeared in Convergence: Aquaman #2?! Good thing the Wildstorm characters still exist in The New 52. Although it seems DC has decided to wipe out everything else Jim Lee created previously. I don't think the history was any great loss.

They were cool? What the fuck are you basing that on, Natasha?! The size of Grunge's bulge?

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #2 Rating: This issue earned Five Railroad Spikes out of Ten because it was just a ho-hum adventure that didn't really tug at my heart strings or engage my libido. Also, Streaky II was thoroughly ignored by everybody even though he gave his normal life to save them all. Without Streaky II, Steel and the Kids couldn't have won!

Divergence: Bizarro
"Bizarro World loves Bizarro! In fact, they love him so much they devise a plan to trap him in an alternate universe just to get rid of him and his super destructive ways!"

I bet that alternate universe is The New 52 Universe! I also bet that this comic book will be confusing because Bizarro always says the opposite of what he means except for sometimes when he actually means what he means because the writer probably gets tired of the whole opposite schtick every now and then.

See? He's not Bizarro! And he wants them to keep fighting! So he deflates the ball to help out! Some of those things might not be true! Who can tell?!

Bizarro tells the readers his secret origin because it's the worst kept secret. It's basically told in the "How DC Comics Made This Comic Worse" blurb which I previously quoted. And now he's found himself on Earth! After seeing Superman, he finally knew who he was!

I am not ashamed to say I laughed at this! The dumber he is, the funnier I think I'll find him.

I'm pretty sure that his logo is painted out of ketchup and mustard he stole from Hot Dog On A Stick.

Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen enjoy watching Bizarro fly around the city causing mischief and mayhem. But then Jimmy mentions that some people think Bizarro is Superman's brother and Clark tells Jimmy that Bizarro has to go. He also puts the idea of a great road book coffee table into Jimmy's head which causes Jimmy to catch up with Bizarro and tell him all about the great land of Bizarro America: Canada. Bizarro, being an obvious genius, believes Jimmy and they load up Jimmy's Mustang and take off on the road! I hope they accidentally run over Green Arrow!

This looks silly in just the right way that I take my silly. So I'm looking forward to it. Bizarro is adorable!