Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Wonder Woman Annual #3 (August 1992)

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Wonder Woman Annual #3 (August 1992)
By William Messner-Loebs, John Dennis, Dave Johnson, Ande Parks, Clem Robins, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Kevin Nowlan
Edited by Frank Pittarese and Dan Thorsland

• Let's get back to bullet points, shall we? This is like The Matrix but for nerds. Hmm. There's something wrong with that statement but I just can't identify quite what it is.

• Eclipso currently sits on his bone throne in a crater in the moon. Do you think the creators of this series meant for that to be so sexual? Did I invent that his throne was made of bone just to create the image of a penis in a moon hole? It's hard to say when about 66% of every thought I have is a delusion created by my brain to make the world more entertaining for myself.

• According to my blog's tags, this is the first comic book I've reviewed by William Messner-Loebs.

• The cover of this comic book turned my pants into a bone throne. In a mere matter of seconds, it will also look like a triple wax carwash down there. I think I have a thing for feral women.

• This issue begins by firing all circuits on my male gaze just to have my horned-up levels' legs kicked out from under it by reading the caption.

Too bad I'm not into necrofellatio. Is it weird that I began that sentence with "too bad"?

• The person making that terrible assumption about Wonder Woman is, surprisingly¹, an on-the-scene local news reporter. The reporter is a woman so she's apparently never heard of the Girl Code. I also have never heard any of the Girl Code because when I ask about it, they usually just say, "Ewww!" But I think there's something there about hyping each other up and not assuming that they've died and then broadcasting their humiliating failure to the entire world².

• As she broadcasts, Cassie continues to pull down her knickers and shit all over the Girl Code.

"Being that Wonder Woman can't fly, she had to walk instead of fly, which she can't do, fly, I mean. She sucks at flying. Just the worst. Probably dead because she can't fly."

• Some guy named The White Magician shows up and, well, even in 1992, I'd maybe have thought twice about that name. He wears white and has white hair but he also has what is colloquially thought of as "white" skin so, you know, maybe that name is saying more than you actually want it to say? Because "white", especially in 1992, was the society accepted neutral position³ which meant if the person's "race"⁴ wasn't mentioned, one would assume "white". If you have to go above and beyond to express your "whiteness" or your "Defender of Western Civilization" status⁵, you're probably making a bigger statement than just the color of your costume and hair.

The White Magician's power is literally making people choke on their own shit.

• The White Magician spends a full page or more invoking all sorts of DC magics that I've never heard of before. Zatanna could have saved the day with a couple of backwards words. Madame Xanadu could have wrapped this shit up by manipulating a bunch of actual heroes in no time at all. But this guy is doing the equivalent of a Great White guitar solo in a small club.

Love bites! Love bleeds! Oh fuck! Oh shit! Why's my dick burning?!

• While White Magician fucks around with the dark arts for the benefit of the news crew, Wonder Woman climbs up a building and tries to hug the terrorist into surrender. You know how she does. She's all, "Look, you're being a toxic male. Maybe get therapy?" And he's all, "I'd rather turn on a machine that removes the friction between air molecules, murder the HR rep of the job that fired me, take a woman and her small child hostage, and blame everybody who doesn't have a metagene for my failures!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Okay, but maybe don't do that?" And his gun is all, "Bratratrat!"

• Wonder Woman takes a few shots to the wrist bracelets and everybody around her is all, "He's a lone gunman! Being a white man, he's the only one responsible for his actions! He doesn't represent his entire race in the same way society demands anybody of a minority group represents the entire group!" Except it couldn't be that explicit, right? Because this is 1992 and according to Comics Gaters, comics only went woke in this millennium. Right?

I guess white supremacists in 1992 could easily overlook a blatant allegory simply by saying, "Well, I don't have a metagene so this guy obviously doesn't represent my idiotic way of thinking!"

• The main problem with this guy is that his metagene has yet to be activated. So he's just a mediocre white dude. But he knows he's better than other people because he's white. I mean because he has a metagene!

• I had to check the cover of this issue again because I got the odd feeling that I was reading a Bloodlines annual and not an Eclipso annual. I guess this is just foreshadowing for next year's big annual crossover event. Maybe this guy becomes Gunfire or Dildosniffer. Were those Bloodlines characters? If they were, I know one of them was written by Warren Ellis.

• The White Magician's spell of bowel-cleansing fear takes place just as Wonder Woman's de-escalating the situation. It affects everybody on top of the skyscraper: the killer, Wonder Woman, and the two hostages. Wonder Woman's big fear is disappointing her mother and the Gods. I would have guessed it would have been Batman.

• The killer, Roger or Robert or whatever, dies from choking on his own shit while Wonder Woman and the hostages just get a little collateral shit swallowing. But I have to think part of the reason Wonder Woman failed was because she was calling him by the wrong name while trying to calm him down.

Whoops!

• Even though The White Magician fucked everything up and his costume isn't anywhere as spectacular as The White Rabbit's, Wonder Woman still accepts an invitation to his mansion for dinner. As a way to apologize to her for completely fucking up the rescue, of course. Not as a way to get into her biker shorts. Not that she's currently wearing biker shorts. But she does go to the dinner in her star-spangled onesie.

• The White Magician's dinner conversation makes me think that perhaps my earlier discussion around his name was way more astute than even I would have guessed.

First he starts the edgelord shit with all the "Oh, I imagine you'll be offended by just about everything, no?"


And then he, um, just gets right to the KKK point.

• The hostage from earlier was a Black woman. Diana was insistent she was the real hero because she threw off the fear spell to save Diana from falling off the building while Diana hung by her foot holding the young girl who first fell off the building. The White Magician wouldn't even acknowledge this fact and now we see why. Obviously a Black woman couldn't be the hero! The look Diana gives this guy says it all.

• Wonder Woman, while pointing out how seriously pathetic white supremacists are, pulls the old Don Draper in the elevator meme exactly two decades before Don Draper does it.

Although Don Draper is lying in that scene and I've got a feeling Wonder Woman seriously means it.

• 24 pages in and not a whiff of Eclipso.

Speaking of whiffs . . . yes please!

• It turns out the local reporter Cassie and the White Magician are fucking. It also turns out Wonder Woman likes watching them fuck.

• Okay, so maybe they don't actually fuck on panel while Wonder Woman watches. But you don't think this is the reaction of somebody who loves the cuck chair?

Messner-Loebs staying true to Wonder Woman's origins as a horny little Amazon.

• Ultimately, I have no fucking clue why Wonder Woman went to dinner at the White Magician's home. I mean, the only conclusion I can make is that she was horny after her close call with death and he was offering. Perhaps when she was blasted by his Spell of Terror and she inundated with feelings of self-loathing, she needed a good fuck to get her confidence back. And the White Magician, while racist, is good looking enough. Also he has a penis⁶.

• The reason Cassie was calling Wonder Woman politically correct is that Wonder Woman admitted that justice, in the parlance of Titus Pullo, makes her wetter than October.

• The White Magician gives Diana a circlet with a Black Diamond on it. She demures but quickly accepts because she's super fucking horny and I can't believe I don't remember this comic book! How did I not start reading Wonder Woman after this?! I should have assumed half of each issue was just Diana trying to get laid.

• Wonder Woman slips into some kind of hypnotic fantasy after donning the Black Diamond. She believes that she has taken the White Magician to Paradise Island and he's brought in developers and horny men. When she confronts him, he goes all Twitter Incel on her.

If that doesn't get her to Eclipse, I don't want to think how far he'll have to go.

• The White Magician isn't working with Eclipso. He just wants Wonder Woman possessed with Eclipso's power so that he can bind her and drain her of the power. Wonder Woman winds up bound by tentacles in the garden with resting Eclipso face.

• Oh, also? It doesn't take. Eclipsed Wonder Woman escapes to either kill the White Magician or eagerly sit in the cuck chair.

• PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE CUCK CHAIR!

Okay. Close enough!

• I don't want people to think I'm into women in hardly any clothes choking other women in even less clothes. I mean, I guess I am because that panel was hot. But I'm not so into it that I actively look for it! What kind of sicko porn search terms do you think I like?! If one of your guesses was "Penguin Costume With Butt Access", congratulations. I guess?

• Wonder Woman lets Cassie go and then fails to kill the White Magician as he slips into another dimension just as she goes for the kill shot. Eclipso, now in total control, decides he got his revenge by trashing the White Magician's house because Wonder Woman is free to fly off to the moon at the end.

• Fly? I thought she couldn't fly? I guess she's more Eclipso than Diana now.

The Ranking
Goddamn! This issue was actually kind of fun. And confusing. I think maybe it contained a lot of actual lore and characters from the 1992 regular series. Or maybe it didn't and this was just a short little story about a horny woman, a racist illusionist, and the God of Vengeance? It's weird because I hate annuals but, I mean, this one was enjoyable! I bet it was because I went back to using bullet points! Yeah, I probably enjoyed it because of the thing I did and not because of the art the artists did! Whew. I feel better now! Go me! __________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Not actually surprising.
² At least the part of the world that receives broadcasts from WTBN.
³ I'm not saying it was correct. I was just media-biased shorthand accepted by a white supremacist society
⁴ In quotes because "white" and "black" are not exactly the most scientific way to determine a person's race. Unless you're a Nazi scientist or somebody's Republican uncle.
⁵ Looking at you, high school friend Soy Rakelson, who disappeared from Social Media in 2016 after Trump won the election because you knew your "Defenses of Western Civilization" were no longer sustainable with your "morality". I mean in your eyes. Everybody else already knew they weren't sustainable and wondered why you kept insisting on debating obviously (to everybody but you, apparently) racist shit. Especially when your closing argument for every debate was, "Where's your faith?" Oh? Sorry I argued facts and logic while you were gummed up in religious dogma while concentrating on attempting to trap us with pre-approved C.S. Lewis logic traps.
⁶ I'm assuming.

Young Heroes in Love #4

If Junior hits it off with Zip-Kid, he can stop fucking mice.

I don't want to assume that Junior and Zip-Kid are going to become romantically involved just because she's got the only vagina he won't drown in. Certainly she has her own agency and wasn't specifically created so that Junior can have a romantic love interest, right? Right guys? Tell me I'm right. Please?

I don't really remember Zip-Kid too well because she isn't gay and I didn't have to write a letter to DC that purported to be about her sexual identity but was in fact about me and how lonely I was. But I think she can actually adjust her size which it seems Junior can't. So why would she want to fuck Junior when she can bang Hard Drive? I bet Zip-Kid comes so hard when she's small and wraps herself around a regular sized dick. Now everybody who likes dick is probably thinking about how awesome that would be because it totally would be awesome. I'll let you think about it for a few more seconds.

Okay! That's enough! Get your mind back on comic books, you disgusting perverts!

Everybody is sad because they're being drawn by a guest artist.

Hard Drive has run off crying so Superman is all, "That guy don't seem so hard." Blushing little lightning bolts, Superman clarifies, "In the British sense and not in the erotic sense." I wonder what Superman Red was doing while Superman Blue was fighting Tottenjaeger? That might sound like a stupid question to people who actually knew what was going on with electric Superman after he returned from the dead. I never read any of those comic books. I'm sure one of my friends explained it to me at the time but it must not have been interesting enough for my mind to retain it.

Superman questions Hard Drive's leadership skills because Superman can't remember a single time Batman ran out of the room crying. He never even did that when Kevin Smith was writing him! But Zip-Kid appears for the first time and is all, "I'm Zip-Kid! You don't know me or my huge tits (huge for a tiny woman, that is!) but let me explain what just happened." She then provids a stupid excuse as to why Hard Drive lost his temper and ran away crying which Superman readily accepts because he's a naive and gullible idiot. Unless he's just too kind to question anybody's honesty and simply knows when a person is lying to save face on all sides. Maybe Superman is the opposite of a naive and gullible idiot. Maybe I'm the naive and gullible idiot!

No, no way. My mom certainly would have yelled that at me at least once growing up if I were one.

Zip-Kid heard the mummy was back and figured the Young Heroes would be back too so she thought she'd appear and try to be recruited. She's pretty hot so that means she probably automatically makes the team. Unless she still has to declare which two other members with which she'll become entangled in a romantic triangle and she'll only then be a full-fledged member.

Last issue, Bonfire read a hidden message in Frostbite's ice sculpture so she confronts him about it now.

Pretty sure the filthy message was for Off-ramp and the guest artist wasn't told Frostbite shouldn't look so happy about Bonfire wanting to sit on his dick.

Hard Drive hears Bonfire's lustful words to Frostbite and once again uses his mind powers to get her to forget him. Frostbite doesn't notice and I don't know why. I think when Bonfire said she wanted to dip his icicle in her foundry, he grimaced, awkwardly adjusted his neck tie, and excused himself stage left.

Junior makes a pass at Zip-Girl only to find she not only has huge tits and a gigantic zipper but also a boyfriend. A mouse, watching from under the sofa, tightens its sphincter, squeaks, and runs away.

Frostbite seems upset that Bonfire suddenly wants to fuck Thunderhead again which seems weird because I'm fairly certain he's gay. I suppose I should trust the story I'm reading rather than my memory since the me that made that memory probably hadn't put as much thought into bisexuality as the me that's currently writing this. Although that probably isn't a whole lot more. Me back then probably would have been, "Is that a thing?" And me now is more like, "Oh yeah. That guy fucks chicks and guys. Cool beans." Although by 1997, I'd already been propositioned by my friend Doom Bunny's friend Michael when we were both sleeping in Doom Bunny's living room after a party. Michael climb up from the floor so we were chest to chest and leaned in close and asked, "Have you ever been with a guy?" I said, "No." And then he said, "Do you want to be?" And I said, "No-o-o-o?" Then he said, "Oh, sorry!" Then as I lay there in the dark feeling horny, I thought, "Why aren't I bisexual? I sure wouldn't mind being jerked off right now!" So I totally would have thought about bisexuality by the time I read this!

At some point, Zip-Girl returns to normal size and everybody becomes annoyed with Junior because he doesn't. He then has to confide that he's incapable of changing size. It's so emasculating that I can hardly feel enjoyment in this next scan.

Va-va-va—oh, poor Junior—voom!

Junior almost quits but then he and Frostbite walk in on Thunderhead and Bonfire boning and the intense drama pulls him back into the team. Plus, you know, maybe he still has a chance with Zip-Girl.

Young Heroes in Love #4 Rating: B+. The Teen Titans was never this good. How could it run for 120 or more issues and this comic book only went for 18? Oh wait. I know how. Because comic book fans are idiots who will read any comic book, no matter how shitty, as long as it has a character they love. This comic book only had new characters so it already lost a good portion of its potential audience right out of the gate. Comic books with new heroes are like going to a concert and hearing the band play songs off the new album. Nobody wants that shit! Give us Batman and Free Bird!

Shade the Changing Girl #8

Who brought the young girl to a velociraptor fight?

• Marge Sausage was apparently only doing the art for one issue. Now I'm really going to have to dig deep to find anything positive to say about this comic book.

• Oh wait! I know one. It has a female lead. Boom! Worth reading. Also she's a person of color. Can you refer to alien bird species who love to fuck as a POC? I'm probably a white guy in his mid forties, so I don't know anything about saying the correct thing. I mean, I thought I knew how to be a generally kind person and then I found out, online, that I was actually gross and problematic. At least now I know how all the gay kids felt in 80's high schools when they heard people calling terrible things gay! Because now every aspect of me that I never actually think about unless I'm filling out a census form is the new way to call something gay! I imagine it would hurt if I wasn't already full of self-confidence due not to my circumstances of birth but to my being so objectively awesome.

No it isn't! That's the definition of dying in a way that will cause people talking about it to have to bite their tongue before they completely blame the victim!

• You know what's wrong with this country? We've become too afraid to blame the victim! Sometimes blaming the victim is really important. Like when somebody crosses the street at night and in the raing while wearing dark clothing which causes them to be hit by a car and killed. In that instance, we need to blame the victim as hard as we can! It's not like it was the driver's fault in that situation! It's not like it was an accident that couldn't be avoided! The victim's death was due entirely to the victim's poor choices. And by refusing to blame the victim, we obfuscate the reason the victim died and dance around the real danger. By not blaming the victim, we discuss things like the speed limit on the road and the lack of a crosswalk and the need for drivers to be more aware of things they couldn't possibly see in time to stop because who could have guessed that person would suddenly be on the hood of their car when the driver was blinded by oncoming headlights and the heavy rain and the darkness of the stupid sun not being in the dumb old sky! None of those things would prevent the death of a person who treats reality as if there are respawn points!

• Obviously there are times when we shouldn't blame the victim. Stop taking something I wrote and deciding I'm a monster because you have no reading comprehension! Maybe you're the gross and problematic one in this situation! You ever think of that?!

• You know what? I bet you Internet Scolds think of that all the fucking time. I bet you're constantly thinking that. I can't imagine being part of a community of people who are obsessively looking for a flaw (or a perceived flaw through a purposeful misunderstanding) in any of the people in their community so they can out them and receive praise for being so fucking perceptive and righteous and noble! Anybody can look at a huge fucking jerk and point out why the person is a huge fucking jerk. But not everybody can look at their best friend who is supposedly just as socially just as they are and tear their fucking heart out when they make a misstep. It must be so stressful to be a young person in this day and age. You can't make one mistake — NOT ONE FUCKING MISTAKE — before your life is ruined and you have to change your Tumblr URL. Man, I'm glad I don't give a shit what anybody thinks of me!

• I think this commentary is getting away from me! I've only read two Narration Boxes on the first page so far! Excuse me while I discuss this problem with my brain.

My Super-Ego: "Hey. Get back on track, you secretive monster! You're fucking making us look bad! People are going to read this shit and determine we're gross. GROSS! That's the worst thing you can be on the Internet!"
My Id: "Go fuck yourself! Masturbating!"
My Ego: "Ugh. Again? What the fuck is wrong with me? Don't worry about Id, Super-Ego. I've got this! I can get this train back on the rails!"
My Super-Eggo: "L'eggo me!"
My Super-Ego: "Knock it off, Id! I know that was you pretending to be a version of me. That is wrong. You can't do that."
My Ego: "Look, I think I've got Id back in the closet, okay? I can deal with this. Just let me handle things from here."
My Super-Ego: "Why the fuck should I trust you? That Id fucker pulls your strings and you know it! You need to stop listening to his obscene whispers and fall in line. Do you want to die homeless in a Seattle gutter? Do you want to fling yourself off the Fremont Bridge in a state of manic energy? Do you want to be known as the neighbor who sometimes kicks around a soccer ball in the middle of the street without any pants? Then get a fucking grip and start following my orders!"

• Okay! I'm back! Let's get this shit done so I can go do some keepie-uppie!

• The destination Shade has not chosen because she didn't do any research before traveling and just hopped on any old fucking train that pulled up at the station is Gotham City. See? Blame the fucking victim! She deserves to be gassed by The Joker at this point!

• Luckily for Shade, she's looking for danger. She just ditched the only friends she made on Earth and is in a state of self-destructive self-pity! No better place for that than Gotham City! Or that house on Ash Tree Lane. That place is a sublime location for losing oneself in their own doubts and self-hatreds.

Me. And me!

• Shade spends multiple pages doing touristy stuff that I think is some kind of essay on cities and the people who live there? Maybe something about how the people of Earth are meant to be but ultimately fail to live up to their ideals? Or maybe just a fun romp through Gotham? I seem to have lost interest after all that digressive writing I did!

• Shade wanders about having pseudo-profound thoughts about life and cities and art and relationships and dinosaurs until she comes to a theater where the Sonic Booms are playing. Apparently she remembers a version of them from the old television show Life With Honey. So she rushes in to be thoroughly disappointed. Or completely uplifted? Really, it could go either way. Although since she's experiencing music and Young Animal is basically DC's hipster brand, I'm pretty sure music will be treated as a religious and transcendental experience next issue.

Shade the Changing Girl #6

Now kiss!

My catch phrases are "Now kiss!", "Whoops!", and "This isn't an offer to suck Tom King's dick at the next convention, wink, wink!"

I'm not really enjoying this comic book but I don't think I'm meant to enjoy it. In the same way Shade the Changing Man seemed to be written for me in my late teens and early twenties when I most felt lost trying to forge a path into adult life and relationships, this book would probably resonate for a young person trying to navigate the social labyrinth of high school friendships and rivalries. I could be wrong and it might be just as banal for them as it is for me. My point is that I don't think I have the capacity to know the difference. Is it as boring as I think it is? Or is there something here that really connects to a certain person in a certain place in time?

In Vertigo's Shade the Changing Man, Shade eventually had to battle with the original owner of the body he had taken over, serial killer Troy Grenzer. It seems the only way to travel from Meta to Earth is to leave one's body in the Area of Madness (or just on Meta, I guess? This comic goes about the transportation in a slightly different way than Vertigo's Shade the Changing Man) and to arrive in a body of a person just on the brink of dying. It's that "on the brink" part that seems to cause trouble because the person doesn't completely die. So while Rac Shade had to deal with serial killer Troy fucking Kathy's brains out, Loma has to deal with mean girl Megan demanding her body back so she can once again torture all of her high school friends. I don't think the Grenzer thing happened as quickly as this confrontation is taking place. It seems like in comics these days, you have to sort out the established problems much quicker.

While Loma fights for her life, Megan's ex-boyfriend decides it's all about him and his feelings.

Ooh! A two man job? Maybe this book just got interesting!

Okay! My hand is now down my pants. I'm ready for the two man job! I hope they pull the old Chinese fingercuffs routine!

Megan's ghost gets upset that her old boyfriend Wes doesn't realize that her body has been hijacked by another person. Why should she be surprised?! Guys don't recognize personalities! All they see are tits and ass. And Loma still has those! Duh!

Back on Meta, Mellu has recovered the Madness Vest. It's still on Loma inside a protective coffin that Mellu can't open. But she's determined to gather an army together to invade Earth so she can get the Madness Vest back. That's a bit of plot I'm not too concerned with. It's just another standard alien invasion story! Why can't the Mellu stuff be written out of this comic book? It should just stick to the Mean Girl stuff.

River and Teacup rush to help Loma battle Megan. Between the three of them, they convince Megan that nobody ever liked her and Megan explodes into a rain of pink dandruff. Then Loma, Teacup, and River become the bestest of friends forever! But nobody pisses on the pile of pink dandruff to make sure it doesn't reform into Megan! They've obviously never studied my guide to exorcism.

Mostly the guide is just using the excuse that you're exorcising ghosts when somebody catches you peeing on their stuff.

See?! A nice warm stream of piss would have kept the pink dandruff from floating around in the air! Which would have prevented it from going into Megan's mouth to settle in her uterus. Oh man. Does this mean blow jobs can get you pregnant?!

The Ranking!
No change! I already told you I don't have the expertise to judge this comic book! And judging by most of the other comic book reviewers on the Internet (you know, fat white guys who know how much an Alpha Black Lotus is worth), none of them have the expertise either!

Shade the Changing Girl #4

The male gaze sexualizes every comic book cover with a woman on it. Especially one that's possessed by a gawky bird creature from another planet. So fucking sexy.

The Review!
No change. In this issue, Shade the Changing Girl learns the power of apologies. The title is even called "All Apologies". I totally couldn't remember who sang that so I asked Lord Google. He said, "What? Are you kidding? You don't know? How uncool are you?" And I was all, "I'm not uncool! I just don't remember! I'm like old and shit!" And Lord Google was all, "Snort! It's Nirvana, you musically illiterate plebe." And I was all, "Oh shit! I totally should have known that. I mean, I can sing the fucking stupid song!" And then I sang the fucking stupid song. Then I thought about how embarrassing it would be to admit that I couldn't remember that Nirvana sang "All Apologies" and I said, out loud, "No fucking way I'm writing this in the commentary!"

After apologizing to all of Megan's friends and family members so that Shade can feel more relaxed in her new life, she remembers what happened at the lake. She remembers she drowned and nobody sprang to save her and everybody was kind of happy that she was brain dead. Whether or not she wields that knowledge as power against her friends will have to wait to be seen. Because after Shade realizes her friends aren't just afraid of her because she's an asshole but also because they basically let her die, the story ends and it's time for the back-up story.

But first, I should probably say something smart about this story. Here it goes! You should always apologize to people when you feel you've hurt them. But you should never apologize to people who demand that you apologize to them. Because those people are just using it to have power over you. Don't let them! You're only enabling their terrible behavior if you apologize! Besides, an apology given under duress isn't an actual apology. And when you do apologize under duress, 95% of the time, the person will be all, "You don't really mean it. Not good enough. You're gross." So, in closing, you should only apologize if you mean it and you should never apologize if somebody demands one and if you don't apologize when you know you've hurt somebody, you're just being a fucking dick.

Here's a good example of an apology I made this week! While playing Overwatch, my friend was complaining about how nobody on the team was helping take the point. I was frustrated because I kept getting hooked by Roadhog meaning I was mostly respawning and not helping take the point. So I got short with him and went off on how I couldn't help take the point because I was fucking respawning! Then the game ended and we played another game and then I was all, "Sorry about snapping like that, Will. I was just really frustrated and shouldn't have turned on you." No big deal but it really brought the tension back down and we had fun and even began winning again.

Here's a good example of an apology I would choose not to make! If I used the word retard in one of my commentaries and some anon messaged me and said, "You shouldn't use that word and you should apologize because it literally hurts people." Then I would just ignore the message or make a stupid joke because what do I fucking care about somebody trying to get me to change when they'll never interact with me again? People like to say that thing about if you step on somebody's toe, you apologize. Well, sure! But demanding that I fucking not ever do something again and that I should apologize for it isn't the proper reaction to somebody having their toe stepped on. If I stepped on somebody's toe and they screamed at me, "You gross fucking asshole! How dare you, you piece of shit! You're garbage!", I would not apologize to them. I would think to myself, "Ha ha. I'm glad I accidentally stepped on your toe, you lunatic."

The backup story is about Element Girl and how she just wants to be normal. But instead, she isn't normal at all and also lives in a desert. The end.

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #2

Why is Guy Gardner arm wrestling John Belushi?

At the end of last issue, Guy Gardner had hopped on a motorcycle and headed out into the desert of Planet Brainiac to fight for Metropolis. He could have been flying but Hal Jordan bogarted all the magic ring juice and took off with the battery. This Guy is from the pre-Crisis On Infinite Earths Universe but I forget who all of his possible opponents are. I guess one of the cities stolen was 1976 New York if he's battling the Not Ready For Prime Time Players.

You can tell the characters in this comic book are from an earlier era because it begins with Hal Jordan being crushed in a giant fist while Guy Gardner Narration Boxes, "Nobody roots for Goliath. We all want to see the hero slay the giant." My oh my how that soon changed, right? When did we all begin rooting for the bad guys? I think it happened stealthily! First Hollywood got us used to rooting for heroes that killed wantonly! Then they got us rooting for awful people that were wronged by even awfuller people! Pretty soon, we couldn't get enough of bad guys ruining everybody's day! Unless that was just me. It's possible I'm the only one rooting for Goliath. I'm a jerk.

I knew somebody somewhere in one of these Convergence things would remind the readers about the greatest weapon ever invented! Stewart is just lucky he didn't accidentally kill Hal and a billion other people with it.

This should be the version of John Stewart that survives! Let the New 52 John die and let this one take his place because this John has never been tortured by asshole writers! This John is so happy and carefree that he can belittle Green Arrow in the middle of a dangerous fight!

John and Hal soon find themselves unconscious and helpless. Except they're too unconscious and helpless to find themselves that way so pretend I phrased that previous sentence differently. Now it's up to Guy Gardner and his mighty baseball bat to save the day! I think those are the only members of the Green Lantern Corps in attendance so Guy will have to do.

Make that Guy and his new dog will have to do. Although if this dog is from Kamandi's world, shouldn't it be walking upright and trying to get Guy drunk? Get it? Because dogs love to hump stuff! I mean, humans love to hump stuff too! It's just that civilized people have decided it's bad form to rub your naked genitals on unsuspecting guests. For some reason. Stupid civilized people.

Guy has some nightmares about Zod and Sinestro before he wakes up to find himself tied up by Hercules and Jennifer Monroe. Guy's new dog is their old dog, Basil. I don't know who these people are. I mean, I know who Hercules is! I was once a twelve year old boy! I read all about his labors! Like that one where he cleaned some shit with a river. Or the one where he killed the hydra! Or the one where he did that totally lame thing so nobody ever remembers it at all. And then there was the one where he had to make a Stymphalian Omelette! I think there were a few more too but they're unimportant and possibly too racy to discuss in this all ages commentary. Except for that one where he had to express Cerberus's anal glands! Gross!

I should write a comic book entitled "The True Twelve Labors of Hercules" which reveals that they were all really embarrassing so he kind of changed them up a bit in the retelling.

Have I mentioned that Jennifer Monroe is super cute with a luscious rump?! Well if I did, I was lying! You shouldn't be interested in her at all, you pervs! I hope Supergirl doesn't get jealous of me and Jenny Monroe.

Jenny and Hercules decide that if Basil trusts Guy, Guy must be okay. Before Guy parts company with them (they're going to help innocents; Guy is going to die...I mean fight the Anti-God), he decides to challenge Hercules for his "Impervious Armor."

Apparently demigods don't know all the modern techniques involved in arm wrestling. Can you believe Hollywood made an action flick about arm wrestling? Men are into the most boring pastimes!

Herc and Jenny-Jenny-Bo-Benny-My-Face-Is-In-Her-Fo-Fanny lead Guy Gardner to the edge of Durvale where the Anti-God's Chaos Storm rages like a raging normal storm but more chaotic. Guy has Herc throw him into the city because he's now wearing armor that leaves him impervious to harm. As he's flying through the air, he does an Andy Kaufman imitation which I don't understand. But that's not surprising since I never understood anything Andy Kaufman did! Especially the cancer thing. How was that joke funny?!

Guy finds John and Hal taking naps. Then there's this huge advertisement for DC Comics to try to distance themselves from The New 52 which lots of fans hated. But they're trying way too hard by nicknaming their universe the "DC You." Oh please! Stop fellating the fans that hate you! You're trying too hard, DC! You'll never have the kind of fan praise Marvel has because the love isn't divided equally between the two companies. It's all about branding and once a person takes to one brand, they'll stick with it for no reason at all yet make up as many reasons as they can why the brand they chose is the best! For whatever reason, you've been losing the Brand Loyalty Race for decades! Here's the thing about Marvel fans: whenever I'm around a Marvel fan, they constantly tell me why they like Marvel better than DC. And most of their reasons are the same bullshit I've heard my whole life! Look, I don't care if a person chose Marvel over DC, or DC over Marvel, or American Spirits over Marlboro!

You want to know the real secret to increasing your Brand Loyalty, DC? The one that doesn't involve giving free handjobs to every one of your potential fans? Hire the best writers and artists and just let them create great fucking stories. Guess what? If the writers and artists realize you're serious about less editorial control, they'll come in droves. And the fans will follow! Okay, not all the fans. But how are you going to win over all the Wolverine fans when you don't have access to Wolverine?! And who wants the Cyclops fans? Yuck!

Anyway, good luck, DC! You've got a shit ton of great characters. You just need to make sure you've got great writers who love them directing their stories.

Back to Guy's adventure, John and Hal decide Guy's alright in their book. You know, seeing as how he saved their asses.

Guy decides to recharge his Green Lantern ring even though he was doing just fine with a baseball bat and a motorcycle.

Guy's plan to kill the Anti-God is to take it into space where it will react with regular old God and be destroyed. It also destroys positive matter God as well but it's not like he (or she!) was doing anything proactive with the universe. Good riddance!

After the victory, Guy celebrates in the best way ever!

Guy wins Multiversal Thunderdome!

Convergence: Green Lantern Corps #2 Rating: It was pretty good because it had Guy Gardner in it and he bonded with a dog. What's better than that? Eight Bad Hair Cuts out of Ten!

Divergence: Gotham Academy
"Gotham Academy's newest student Damian Wayne drops by the academy -- and he is not pleased to meet his new classmates!"

I've actually got to go and I want to post this before I take off. So you all know how I feel about Gotham Academy. Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Maps! Now with more Damian Wayne! I'll read the Sneak Peek later and will love it. Read Gotham Academy, people! But don't read the parts with Maps because she's my favorite and I will not share her with you.