Convergence: Hawkman #2

I need a lot more practice drawing with my new touchpad.

Last issue ended without revealing who Hakwman's enemy was going to be in the big battle that doesn't matter anymore because it's been over for a week and I'm the only one still reading it. Heck, the entirety of Convergence was over sometime in the fall of last year when it was announced, fans discussed what they thought it all meant, then moved on and never actually cared about what it actually ended up meaning because most fans just love the sounds of their own voices.

Shut up. I'm no fan! I'm a critic! No! I'm le critic! It's fancier!

Hawkman and Hawkwoman have been battling Thanagarian rebels but now they've stopped fighting because Telos told them they were needed in a different fight. Hawkman is all, "Oh yeah! I'm gonna smash some guy in the face with my mace!" And Hawkwoman is all, "I'm a woman! Don't call me girl!" And the Thanagarian Rebels are all, "Why bother? The Bacon Maker has claimed the end of the world is nigh and when was the last time the Bacon Maker was wrong?" And my friend Doom Bunny was all, "I like my bacon limp! With a side of snickering at the word limp!"

The Hawks head out to find their opponents and run into a swarm of Man-Bats! I think they're Kamandi Man-Bats though and not the usual "drink a sketchy formula" Man-Bats. That still doesn't forgive them for being Man-Bats.

The Men-Bat realize they can't win so they decide to lead them over the Valley of the Rats because the Rats have all the good shit like stationary running wheels, and little plastic logs to hide in, and great big water bottles, and a chewed up bit of something or other that they all love to gnaw on.

Fucking rats! Nobody is surprised that rats and bats are working together! They're basically the same thing! Also, nobody is surprised that the fucking rats turned on the bats and blasted them along with Hawkman. Fucking rats.

The Hawks are going to win this battle easy because in a game of Hawk, Rats, Bats, and Lizard, Hawks beat everything. Their all the natural prey of hawks! And it doesn't matter if the Rats and Bats are walking, talking humanoid creatures because the Hawks are too! This comic book should be over in a few pages now. The last few pages will be Katar and Shayera vomiting up tiny bones.

Why did they take off his shirt but not hers? These rats are gay.

See? These rats want to upgrade to bats! They know they're just one solo flight away from being a hoity-toity bat! I don't think bats are hoity-toity but my friend Doom Bunny does. I think it's because of their turned up little noses.

Hawkman learns that the missile he and his lady are strapped to is filled with poison and about to be launched into Gotham City. Hawkwoman just stays out of the conversation because she still has her shirt on. That means she's calm! And not interesting to me!

"So humans! The tables are turned! Who poisons whom now?! Bwa ha ha ha!"

Hawkman notices that Shayera kept her shirt on and he's all, "Look at how calm you are in the face of me wanting a hand job just before we die!" And she's all, "Thank you!" And he's all, "Just touch my Nth metal! Come on! Just a little bit. Or just look at it even. Look longingly at it! Lick your lips. Oh mama!"

See?! They should have removed her shirt! And her pants and her underwear just in case! Stupid fucking rats!

The missile launches after the Hawks dive off of it but somebody blasts it with a laser and it turns around and lands on most of the rats. Stupid fucking rats. Stick to running mazes for bits of cheese! Who ever heard of a rat into aerospace engineering?! What does it think it is? A bat?!

As the Hawks begin to fly away, the Man-Bats return! The Man-Bat that thinks he's Cable declares how awesome it is that "rodents of the air and land finally unite." I know, right?! Just think how easy those mazes would be with air support?

If people had wings, would we experiment on bats instead of rats?

The people who destroyed the missile were...the Thanagarian Rebels! What?! That's not anything like Han Solo returning to save the day! Mostly because there were no rats and bats in Star Wars. Okay there was that Mouse Droid. And Salacious Crumb. And the Mynoks. Those are all kind of ratty and batty!

After the rats are defeated, the leader of the Thanagarian Rebels gives Hawkman the Bacon Maker. He and Shayera use it to get a glimpse of the future and witness Crisis on Infinite Earths. They're all, "Whoa! Good thing we missed that! Let's go fuck!" The end!

Convergence: Hawkman #2 Rating: I like how it ended with them fucking. Maybe they didn't fuck in your copy but the very last panel was a white panel and I just happened to have a marker, so my comic book ends with them fucking. I'd scan it for everybody to see but what would the little kids think? They'd be all, "Why does that man have an eel attached to his groin and why is it spraying mayonnaise all over that mound of strange flesh between Hawkwoman's legs?! And why do I feel so awesome down in my belly area!?" We can't have that! This comic book rates Five Traumatized Children out of Ten.

Divergence: Grayson
"Everything changes as Helena takes over SPYRAL! Plus: Grayson gets a new partner!"

I hope "everything" doesn't change because this was the best book of The New 52 before Convergence and we all want that to remain the same!

I wonder if Helena can now command Grayson to get naked? Can she authorize herself to give strip searches? With happy endings?

The story begins with Helena jumping out of some kind of super duper flying machine while Grayons and Agent One bicker on the radio in her ear. Then the action changes to Dick aboard an airplane talking to some kid in a Batman shirt. Dick is all, "Ugh. You like Batman?" And the kid is all, "Yeah! He's cool!" And Dick is all, "Have you ever heard of Nightwing? I hear he's more cooler!" And the kid is all, "That guy? He's dead!" Then some shady motherfucker throws Dick against the emergency exit door which Dick "accidentally" opens and the kid is sucked out of the plane. Dick follows because even though the kid likes Batman, he still doesn't deserve to die.

And Dick, you know, doesn't have a parachute or anything. What the fuck, Grayson?! Why you always gotta show everybody up with how brave and kind and nice and awesome you are? You're the worst. But in like the best possible way.

Luckily Helena arrives to give him a parachute just in the nick of time.

See? I knew I put the quotes around "accidentally" for a good reason.

How come Tom King's eight page stories are better than so many other people's full length stories? I'd pay $2.99 just for these! Well, maybe I'm being hyperbolic but I think you get the point. So good!

Convergence: Hawkman #1

The chances are upwards of about 98% that this will be the best Hawkman comic book since The New 52 began.

I hit the comic shop on Thursday this week and found that Speed Force #2 was missing from my subscription box. They were sold out of the comic on the shelves as well. And even though Fastback was going to show up all those other speedsters and save the day, I don't find I have enough interest in hunting down the comic at another shop. In other words, this may be my excuse to scale back on reading DC Comics! I'm finally missing an issue so now I won't feel bad if I miss yet another issue, or another, or twenty others! I'll finally have time to pursue that other thing I might be interested in if I could just muster enough energy to be interested in something else!

On a related note, if anybody wants to donate Speed Force #2 to me because they just can't live without reading my immature take on the story, I'm more than willing to accept such a generous offer.

Let me try and predict what's going to happen in this issue! Hawkman is going to appear before a crowd of protesters and say, "How dare you protest this great country?! You're all worthless no-good pieces of Communist shit! Nothing is more offensive than burning an American flag! Not murder! Or illegal wars in foreign countries that get young men and women killed! Not government corruption which keeps the masses downtrodden and in poverty! Not institutionalized racism or intolerance! How a person treats a specific inanimate object is the sole determiner of a person's moral compass!"

Jesus Christ! Hawkman has nothing to do with the American flag and yet I've gotten myself all pissed off at defenders of the stupid thing! It's a fucking piece of cloth, you zealots! How about fighting to protect the rights of actual citizens as fervently as you want to protect a colored rag?! Assholes.

Currently riots are breaking out in a certain section of Gotham that isn't the same section where Wonder Woman was dealing with cults or where any of The Outsiders were helping rebuild. It's a big city!

The lead rioter proclaims, "If you come from the shadows, follow me!" So I guess he's The Shadow Thief but without his powers, right?

I'm about three panels into this comic and I'm already bored. Hawkman isn't any fun unless he's arguing with Green Arrow!

I wonder if Hawkman has ever glanced quickly down at his wiener and stabbed himself in the throat with the prongs on his mask?

After Hawkman and Hawkwoman stop the riots, they return to their job at the museum to be lectured by an old man that insists they take their jobs as curators more seriously. He insists it's the best way to help the city by keeping a sense of normalcy. The museum director is delusional. Especially since his dinosaur exhibit is basically a bunch of papier-mâché dinosaurs instead of skeletons. And Shayera is giving lectures on King Shark's father, Kauhuhu. Kauhuhu is Hawaiian for Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark.

Shayera's lecture is about mythological entities that are half-man and half-animal. She ends her lecture by donning her wings and flying around the room because everybody was falling asleep. Actually, they were starting to get pissed because she began talking about Batman and we all saw how useless he's been in Batman and the Outsiders. Nobody trusts the heroes to help since they haven't dismantled the Dome.

I see young Edgar Allen Poe made it to the lecture.

The next day, Hawkman and Hawkwoman seek out the headquarters of the Thanagarian Shadow Rebels. To protect the headquarters, the rebels send out the Manhawks.

Sigh. Yes. Manhawks are apparently a thing. It's like a comic book writer took the time honored supposition that the best villains are twisted opposites of the heroes, put the least amount of thought into it, and came up with Hawkman's opposite: the Manhawk! They're birds but...get this!...they've got the heads of men!

The fight is tense and disturbing. Wait, did I say tense? I meant tedious. In the end, the Hawks win! The mostly human hawks, not the mostly hawk hawks!

I feel really old when reading comic books and I don't find the action sequences thrilling. I want more talking and sitting around in comfortable chairs!

The Hawks discover the Thanagarian Sleeper Cell has turned their warriors into a huge Absorbascon! That means something important! The Absorbascon allowed them to glimpse past the Dome and into their future (or their old future before being kidnapped, anyway). They have learned that they're on a planet beyond the "boundaries of the universe." They've also managed to see the effects of Crisis On Infinite Earths. But all this information hardly matters since as soon as the Hawks learn it, Planet Brainiac mentions his plans for a Battle Royale. And that's where this issue ends! Parker doesn't even reveal who the Hawkpersons' enemy is going to be! What a rip off!

Convergence: Hawkman #1 Rating: Even though I found this comic book as uninteresting as every other Hawkman comic book I've ever read, it was better than anything Tony S. Daniel or Rob Liefeld wrote!