Convergence: Justice League International #1

Grgglplz!

Justice League International only has two speeds: comic relief or horrible tragedy. I wonder which one we'll get this time!

This issue is called "It Only Hurts When I Laugh" which is probably a pretty apt title for the Justice League International I just described in the previous paragraph. It begins with Metallo marching down the street in front of the Daily Planet proclaiming that he shall be the new leader of Metropolis. That sounds like the cue for Booster and Beetle to drop in and make a dumb joke!

Or just Beetle.

So Roy Harper's cybernetic arm didn't work under the Dome but Red Tornado is fully functional. Do Martian Manhunter's powers work since they're part of his physiology and not actually super-powers? He obviously has his shapechanging ability still or else he'd look like a monstrous alien freak. No offense!

Blue Beetle makes sure to mention how they adapted Red Tornado's tech so that he could retain his powers so that fanboys like me can just suck it with our whiny bitching over every little pathetic detail. I get it, Blue Beetle! I'm annoying! I should just sit back and enjoy whatever DC Comics shoves in my face: shoddy characterization; implausible plot points; huge, erect, pre-cum dripping phalluses. I got the message! I need an attitude adjustment.

Blue Beetle has spent the last year working on new technologies to protect Metropolis when he should have been practicing his banter. His witty rejoinders just weren't good enough to balance out whatever tragedy is going to befall them by the end of this issue. After they defeat Metallo, Blue Beetle is already left with a broken arm with the owner of a nearby store taking him to task for destroying his restaurant in the melee. At the point the guy says Blue Beetle isn't a real hero is when, if I were Blue Beetle, I'd decide to fix up Metallo and set him loose on the streets of Metropolis. Fuck that ungrateful asshole. He's lucky he's not currently being used as a flesh socket for a robot dongle.

Later at Justice League International Headquarters, Beetle debriefs his team.

You traitor to the robot race, Tornado.

After the meeting, Fire tells Beetle that she wants to fuck but he's all, "No, I need to tend to my bug." Nobody makes a masturbation joke because they are all apparently from Mars.

That's funny. According to The New 52 Teen Titans, the Martians were all about justice and no mercy. You'd think a race that revered poets would be all up inside mercy.

J'onn has a sense of humor, Ted, it's just too subtle for fucking slap-monkeys like you and Booster. J'onn was also making a joke about joining you and Bea in bed, idiot. Or maybe it was a serious suggestion? If he still has his shapeshifting ability (which he must because look at him being all shapeshifted to look human!), he can fill all of their holes!

If Martian Manhunter ever makes it onto one of the new DC Comics television shows, he needs to be played by Andre Braugher.

Ted and J'onn have a boring conversation about the state of their world and their place in trying to keep it from falling apart. Thankfully they're interrupted by Planet Brainiac's Battle Games announcement.

The team congregates on the roof to listen to Planet Brainiac's message. When it's over and the dome is gone, they all discover that their powers have returned. Red Tornado observes silently and then the sad Charlie Brown music plays and he walks off to go sit back in the storage closet and turn himself off.

Justice League International's opponents arrive in a crack of thunder and flash of lightning. They are Wonder Woman, Captain Marvel, and a bunch of other Kingdom Come versions of characters like Obsidian, Jade, Blue Beetle, and others. Suffice to say with just Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel, I think they're powerful enough to destroy Justice League International. I know the JLI has Martian Manhunter and Captain Atom on their team, so they've got some pretty major fire power as well. But judging from their history? Half of them will be dead by the end of the next issue which might actually be cancelled halfway through the book.

Convergence: Justice League International #1 Rating: After Ambush Bug and Cheek's appearance at the end of Supergirl: Matrix #1, everything else is just going to be disappointing! Not to mention most of the stuff written by Ron Marz is also going to be disappointing. So this issue was doubly disappointing! I wish it would have concentrated on J'onn's search for just one more fucking Oreo left in the city. Or Blue Beetle talking to a Booster Gold hand puppet that he keeps strapped to the copilot's seat in the Bug. Even if the whimsical Justice League International can be a little much with the constant banter, the endless bickering, and the constant breaking of each other's balls, I still found it preferable to the Justice League International in which half of the members were constantly being hospitalized or killed. Maybe it's just time to forget this team ever existed.

Convergence: Suicide Squad #1

This is a worse Squad than the current New 52 Squad!

I suppose this Suicide Squad is somewhat believable if all the members have bought into the supposition that they are fighting for their very existence. Otherwise why the fuck would Cyborg Superman be on the team? I'm fairly certain a nano-bomb implanted into his neck either isn't going to blow up when detonated, or isn't going to be implanted for long, or isn't going to really hurt him much when it does blow anyway. And, as I've said before, why the fuck would Deathstroke be on the team unless he was getting paid a ton of money? And isn't one of the selling points of the Squad to the government that it's a cheap method of solving politically problematic problems?

Also, Amanda Waller isn't fat enough! It needed to be said!

I actually don't care if Amanda had suddenly lost a lot of weight during the year under the Dome. The biggest grievance I have against The New 52 Amanda Waller is that she was turned into an action hero. That undercuts what makes her interesting by taking away her real power which is her tenacity, stubbornness, and strength of will. Instead of facing down super villains because she was just that bad ass and threatening, The New 52 Amanda faces down super villains because she can actually physically kick their ass. I don't know about y'all but that takes a little something special away from her character that I've sorely missed.

The issue begins with Amanda Waller dying. Which means it will soon go to 24 hours earlier. Because comic book writers don't truly understand the term "in media res." While Waller is dying, she's speaking with Kingdom Come Green Lantern about how she failed. Then a mysterious person with a gun appears and shoots somebody. Probably Green Lantern since the reader is expected to believe the person has betrayed Amanda and is shooting her.

Oh, excuse me. It's forty-eight hours earlier and Toyman is having dinner with Floyd Lawton.

How is Lawton supposed to find the real Superman if he's not flying around in red and blue?

While the deal is going down, Planet Brainiac removes the dome and a guy at a nearby table turns into Atomic Skull. That causes Toyman to try to back out of the deal since he could spend his million dollars on a better assassin than Deadshot. But that just gets Toyman shot in the head and killed. Toyman didn't die on a mission for the Suicide Squad but it's nice to see at least one C-lister die in a Suicide Squad comic book! That New 52 Squad just can't seem to pull the trigger. But what do you expect from a team that stacks itself with characters you know DC Comics will never kill.

With the dome down, General Lane calls up Amanda Waller to get the Suicide Squad back in operation. The first thing I notice is that Tom Mandrake has no idea how to draw fat people. I'm not a fan of his art in general. I remember reading Ostrander's The Spectre way back when and really being disappointed by the art, even though it kind of works in that book.

The Suicide Squad's current target is Kingdom Come Green Lantern. Surprise! He's made a city called New Oa floating over the Metropolis of Kingdom Come. That's where the Suicide Squad needs to attack him. Or maybe they can just approach him and say, "Hey! If you can make this, can't you make a ship to take everybody out of here? And could you maybe get Magog to strangle Planet Brainiac and/or shoot him in the face with his stupid gun?"

I'd like to amend my previous statement about Tom Mandrake's art! "Tom Mandrake has no idea how to draw fat people."

I know, I know! It's his artistic style! Well, I don't like it! But I'm not saying other people might not love it. One of the reasons I have a hard time commenting on the art is because I love a lot of styles of art that other people can't stand. And some styles that I hate, other people love. Although it's nice when an artist truly can't draw because then I get to bash Marat Mychaels to my heart's content!

Amanda Waller insists on going on the mission which is just fucking stupid. Fuck you, Tieri. Amanda going on a suicidal mission is stupid. Unless the main part of her plan is to be a victim so that they can catch Green Lantern unaware, then this is bullshit. So I'm going to believe that Tieri knows what he's doing even though he has done nothing in The New 52 to prove that he can write a decent story. If he has, I don't remember it and that alone is proof enough for me that he hasn't.

Carol Ferris is also going to go on the mission as Star Sapphire. The other members of the team? Look at the cover! Bane! Black Manta! Deathstroke! But those are the new members! The old members are the ones I'm excited to read about! Count Vertigo! Deadshot! Bronze Tiger! Poison Ivy! And Captain Boomerang!

I hope Deadshot kills Count Vertigo while on the away mission!

Cyborg Superman is also on the team.

Hey, Sian Mandrake! Why'd you make Carol black?! Yes, that's supposed to be Carol in the second panel.

Meanwhile Oracle is reaching out to Kingdom Come Lex Luthor to see if he'll betray his world. He's up for it. I suppose that means he's the guy with the gun at the beginning of the comic book?

Convergence: Suicide Squad #1 Rating: Look. Any version of the Suicide Squad after John Ostrander's version is going to suck Superman's balls. So I didn't have high hopes for their return in Convergence. At least putting a mediocre writer on the book kept me from getting my hopes up. And now I wasn't disappointed! It really wasn't much of a story to critique anyway. The best part was Deadshot and Toyman's scene at the beginning. The rest was just pre-game bullshit and player introductions. I don't mind if next issue is bad. I just want to see a lot of characters die because this story doesn't really matter, right?

Convergence: Supergirl: Matrix #1

This issue should be called "Supergirl: Bum #1".

One of the reasons I can't stand lawmakers (as opposed to how I like everybody else so much) is how they spring to action to create a new law for public safety whenever anybody dies or gets hurt. But they only do it to make it look like they're doing something positive instead of merely sitting in a domed building collecting money from lobbyists to create fucked up laws that nobody ever hears about. They don't want people to know about those laws but if they spend all their time making those laws, it looks like they're slacker politicians that spent their term playing Angry Birds. So up here in Oregon quite a few years back (there are other more recent examples but I want to go with this one!), a police officer was killed on the side of the highway while performing a traffic stop when a car veered off the highway and hit him. So law makers rushed to create a law that said drivers have to move to the left and clear the lane by the shoulder if a traffic stop is taking place. The only problem with this stupid fucking law is that it wouldn't have saved the police officer's life in the accident that prompted the law because the kid that hit him fell asleep at the wheel. But the politician who came up with it got to stand around proudly proving that they were committed to the safety of the public! Or at least public servants. Plus it was a nice stupid fucking law that could probably raise some revenue through ticketing.

Lawmakers also tend to make laws that actually do the opposite of public safety. I would argue that laws proclaiming that pedestrians always have the right of way makes crossing the street more dangerous. People are stubborn and careless with their lives when they know they're in the right. Here's how to make everybody safer on the streets: tell them their lives are in their own hands and allow everybody to build up their cars like the cars in Road Warrior. Then turn traffic court into Thunderdome.

Goddammit. I actually had real points to make and then I couldn't stay serious. I should go into politics just to see if I could get the Mad Max Bill passed!

This comic book was written by Keith Giffen so should we set up the Supergirl Version of the Keith Giffen Drinking and Eating Cookies Game (last seen in Threshold #8)? If you want the game to be wholesome family fun, you can choose to drink milk. Let me remind you of the rules!

1. Whenever a character says “literally”, you have to take a shot. If they use it correctly (very rare!), you get to eat a cookie instead!
2. Whenever a character defies another character (without violence), drink.
3. Whenever a character acts rationally and engages in normal conversation when confronted with defiance or potential violence, eat a cookie!
4. Drink every time somebody is punched or kicked or hit with electricity.
5. Eat a cookie every time something is annotated.
6. Finish your drink whenever a character dies. Or thinks they've died. Or comments about how they're going to die. Finish everybody's drink if the character is Blue Beetle or Booster Gold.
7. Eat a cookie every time Keith Giffen writes a meta-textual statement.
8. Drink after every time you turn a page.
9. Drink every time the panel layout looks like the opening to the Brady Bunch. Although this is more of a Keith Giffen as artist rule.
10. Take a dainty sip of alcohol and a tiny bite of a cookie whenever Supergirl's bum makes an appearance. Okay, this doesn't have anything to do with Giffen but look at that cute bum!
11. Drink whenever Batman makes an appearance (mandatory rule for all DC Comics Drinking Games).
12. Two drinks if Lady Quark and Lord Volt bicker.
13. Eat a cookie and take a drink whenever a joke is repeated. If you remember the joke from a previous Keith Giffen comic book, write a letter of complaint to DC Comics.
14. Finish your drink if Planet Brainiac mentions a convergence!
15. Drink if Supergirl punches somebody before asking their name; eat a cookie of Supergirl is punched while asking the other person their name.
16. Drink and eat a cookie if you have to read some dialogue more than once to get the gist of what they're saying.
17. Down three shots if Supergirl and Lady Quark kiss.
18. Finish your drink with a cookie in your mouth if one of Giffen's jokes actually makes you laugh out loud (Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea is not responsible if you choke like an idiot).
19. Eat a cookie every time a female character does a Boob/Butt Showcase (if the character is Supergirl, remember Rule #10!). Drink a beer every time a male character does.
20. Finish a six pack if Ambush Bug somehow makes an appearance in this comic book.

I don't know if I'm going to remember all of these rules as I read the comic book because I just made most of them up. At least when I made up the rules for the Threshold Drinking Game, I had seven previous issues to know exactly what Giffen loved doing with the characters in that comic book. But he's still Giffen so I have a feeling most of the rules have a pretty good chance of taking place. Except the Ambush Bug one and the one where one of Giffen's jokes makes me laugh.

Uh oh! Get your cookies and drinks ready!

Eat four cookies for the four annotations even though two of them are commenting on the same bit of text. I think the title of the comic, "Who the Hell is Lord Volt?", qualifies as a meta-textual comment, wouldn't you? Eat up! Take a dainty sip and tiny bite because Supergirl's fantastic bum is totally right there in your face. I think you should eat one cookie for Supergirl's Boob/Butt Showcase and throw a cookie against the wall for Lady Quark's horribly aborted attempt at one. Also, is her costume painted on her? And I'm going to have to finish my drink with a cookie in my mouth because the title did make me laugh. Dammit.

Take a drink because we're turning to page 2!

Supergirl meets up with Lex Luthor pouting in the park. Since he has red hair and isn't bald, I'm guessing this is the Junior Alexander Luthor variety. I think he's depressed because Superman was away on business when Metropolis was taken away. Now he has nobody to try to kill. Nothing worthy of drinking or eating cookies happens on pages 2 and 3, so drink again as we turn the page.

On Page 4, Brainiac makes the Multiversal Thunderdome announcement but skips the line about a Convergence, so it's a missed opportunity to finish your drink. If you're thirsty, you can say "Bugger all!" to the rules and just drink whenever you want, you know. I prefer anarchy anyway.

Turning to Page 5 so take a drink!

The dome recedes and Supergirl gets her powers back. Although I guess she retained her natural, protoplasmic ability to look like Supergirl or else she would have spent the last year in a Petri dish. Thanks to the advertisements, we're now turning the page again to Page 6! Drunk! I mean drink!

Luthor, while being a complete dick to Supergirl, mentions how much he hates when people say, "Look! Up in the sky!" I think that qualifies as a meta-textual comment. Eat a cookie!

I don't know if this qualifies as Rule #16 but I reread it a few times before realizing I'm not meant to understand exactly what Supergirl is talking about yet. So eat and drink. Or not. Whatever!

Turning the page! I've lost count of the number! Drinks!

On the page I can't remember, Lady Quark and Lord Volt make their first appearance. And even though I've never read a comic book where Keith Giffen has written these two characters, they pull off Rule #12 about...let me count the panels...five times! Possibly more! I don't know if this is all one big bicker or several bickers across time!

I'm not sure Giffen knows how to write dialogue that isn't complete bickering. If I had made the rule any time any two characters bicker, we'd all be dead by now. And fifty pounds heavier.

Turning another page! Drink up, sluts!

This is the page where the confrontation happens! Lord Volt threatens Supergirl but Lady Quark doesn't approve of the way he does it and they begin to bicker for the rest of the page while ignoring Supergirl. I think the page has five completely separate topics about which they bicker. So that's ten drinks!

Plus a dainty mini-meal! Rule #10 is the best! Okay, turn the page! I said turn the page! I said...get your hand out of your pants! Jesus!

I can't be completely sure that Giffen is repeating jokes from other comic books but I have a feeling he's just writing Blue Beetle and Booster Gold and told Timothy Green II to draw them as Lady Quark and Lord Volt. So you should probably write a letter to DC Comics. I don't know what their new West Coast address is though!

Lady Quark calls Lord Volt gay and Lord Volt mentions how black that kettle is and then Supergirl is all, "Y'all are both so very, very gay!" Then Lady Quark and Lord Volt are all, "Look who's talking!" And Supergirl is all, "I'm a protoplasmic ball of organic slime! I have children by fission! Which is probably what Luthor was hinting at back there when he was talking about a spurt of children!"

Look, this comic book is just one long bickerfest. Just finish all the alcohol you have in the house. Plus a bite of cookie because that bum!

After Lord Volt says that "There you go again" line, Lady Quark hits him with an electric bolt. That's a drink. When she does that, she doesn't go into a Boob/Butt Showcase exactly but she definitely develops the waist of an Escher Girl.

That costume is definitely painted on.

Supergirl flies off to mess with the gadget Luthor gave her and to let Lady Quark and Lord Volt fight it out. While she does, I need to catch up on my drinking after all that bickering. I should probably just finish the huge bottle of sake in the fridge. Be right back!

GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG!

Okay! Now I'm ready to fake being drunk!

Lady Gaga and Lord Voldemort catch up to Superbum and say, "You and us and me are going to battle, you got that, tits?" And Tits is all, "I have the things to do that don't involve the punching and the kicking and the electric bolt blasting." Then the beards bicker for awhile. Then they turn back to Supergirl and go, "No. We must fight now. It's in the contract, see?" So Supergirl is all, "Okay!"

But then after agreeing to fight, Lord Volt is all, "Wait! What?! She wants to fight Lord Volt?!" And Lady Quark is all, "More like Lord Homo!" And he's all, "Oh, that's nice coming from Lady Queer!" And the readers are all, "Jesus Christ, Tess! What the fuck?" And Tess is all, "Are you fucking reading this comic book? I'm only slightly fucking paraphrasing this shit!" And the readers are all, "That's no excuse!" And Tess is all, "Stop picking on me! I have feelings too!" And the readers are all, "Oh, so you can dish it out but you can't take it?" And Tess who is me is all, "I'm going to quit if I'm criticized!" And Scott Lobdell is all, "Welcome to the club!" And I'm all, "I wish you'd quit!" And Lobdell is all, "Hashtag I love cookies and Hashtag drink up and Hashtag hashtag abuse!" And then everybody has to drink a bunch more because of this:

"Hi! My name is Supergirl! Pleased to meet you!"

Too bad we're all out of alcohol and cookies by this point because here's some more confusing conversation! And it's not confusing for the usual reasons that Giffen's dialogue is confusing! I think.

Supergirl's bum kind of makes an appearance! Masturbate! I mean, drink and eat! Daintily!

Holy shit my stomach hurts. And not from laughing, Mister Giffen! After Supergirl throws Lady Quark into the street using her telekinesis, her device begins meeping again. That's when Supergirl says, "You're alive! Anthropomorphically speaking!" And the "anthropomorphically" is annotated because who doesn't learn what that means in third grade? And it isn't annotated with a helpful definition (because Giffen knows people already know what it means), it's annotated with an aggressive note to the reader! Sheesh! I didn't pay four dollars to be yelled at! Go fuck yourself, DC Comics!

Supergirl finally gets fed up with the device Lex gave her. A device that's supposed to look for the machinery capable of teleporting Metropolis to another planet. So when it finally started working and Supergirl began following it, I completely forgot to remember that there is one person in the DC Universe that loves Metropolis and also teleports.

I know I told you to drink all of your alcohol but who knew this would actually happen?! I sure as hell fucking didn't when I made Rule #20! Go out and buy a six pack and drink the fuck up, motherfuckers! Ambush Bug is back, baby!

Convergence: Supergirl: Matrix #1 Rating: Holy shit! Not only is Ambush Bug back but Cheeks the Toy Wonder as well! I was preparing to photoshop Ambush Bug into the last page of this comic book to declare that everybody get drunk and then he actually appeared! I'm so elated! Moments like this are what makes successfully avoiding spoilers so satisfying. I hope Ambush Bug becomes an important player in saving all of the cities! And with Cheeks back, I should actually pitch my Cheeks the Toy Wonder comic book idea to DC Comics! Although I might have to publicly apologize to all the employees of DC Comics if they're ever going to consider hiring me to do anything. I don't even think they'd hire me to mop floors at this point! Although, seriously, what are the chances they even know this site exists?!

Convergence: Green Arrow #1

Most idiotic melee ever! At close range, I don't think bows, uzis, or grenades are your best choice of weapon.

Green Arrow must have come to Metropolis to save his city. I'm so sick of hearing him talk about saving his city on Arrow. Ollie is such an arrogant asshole! Who put you in charge, sir? What makes you think people want to live in your saved version of Starling City? Just continue to fight crime where you can and stop projecting this huge, idealistic goal onto every move you make. Although I bet I'd feel better about myself if I pretended that every act I engaged in was saving the world! I'm beginning to feel heroic already! Every word I type is another dagger in evil's spleen! Take that, politicians! And this, cops! And this and that, journalists! And more of the same to you, dog owners that think leashes are a suggestion! I shall mock and mock until the entire world falls to their knees and cries, "Save us!" And I will look down at you all from my lofty office chair and whisper, "*fap fap fap* No. *fap fap fap*"

I'm going to be so confused by this issue of Green Arrow if Christy Marx writes Ollie as an interesting and likeable character. I suppose the bar for writing a decent Green Arrow story has been set pretty low by every New 52 iteration of the character. And I'm including Lemire's version only because while it outshone every other writer's attempt at New 52 Green Arrow, it simply felt like its own thing, perhaps an Elseworlds story that slipped into main continuity which was promptly ignored after Kreisberg came on board.

Are we taking bets on whether or not a Boxing Glove Arrow is going to appear? I think Post-Crisis, Pre-Zero Hour, goatee wearing Ollie North might be too dignified for a silly old Boxing Glove Arrow. But somebody might joke about one!

The issue begins with Green Arrow keeping Edgar Allan Poe from killing himself.

He really should be flipping off the dome. I think giving the finger should be allowed in Teen Rated comic books. Who does DC think flips the bird the most?!

Green Arrow now spends his time stopping minor street crime. He should be hanging out in jail with his buddy Hal Jordan reminiscing about cross country trips where they made profound realizations about the country's problems which couldn't be fixed by a light construct or a properly placed Boxing Glove Arrow. Instead he's making sure long dead horror authors don't kill themselves with drink. Again.

Later, some white guys try to drive a Mexican family out of their block with crowbars and racisms. You can tell they're racist because they're white and love America. One even wears an American flag bandanna on his big fat bald head to show just how racist he is. The only way you'd know he was a bigger racist is if he were wearing a non-ironic trucker's cap. Oh! Like his buddy! You know their friend is racist because he's white and missing some teeth. Only no-good liberal socialist trash go to the dentist.

Um, Boy...can I call you Boy? Is that your superhero name?...you should work on your retorts.

The racists are wasting their time. Don't they know they're in a DC Comic book? If they just wait an issue or two, the Mexican family will end up Whitewashed. Although maybe knowing they're in a DC Comic book is what they're afraid of. What if the Dome drops and DC decides to reboot them as half-black or gay?!

Well for one, they'd probably wind up with a better wardrobe.

The bald guy is Connor Hawke. Most people reading this book probably knew that. I didn't know that. Perhaps if I had ever been interested in a comic book about a rich guy that wears a mask and uses primitive weapons to subdue criminals, I'd be reading Batman and then I'd have an excuse for not recognizing Connor Hawke. Instead, I just never cared about Green Arrow. Oh! That's my excuse. This whole paragraph was poorly put together. Why don't we surround it with caution tape and just walk away without looking back?

Meanwhile in the basement of the local church...

"While we're at it, somebody check out the purity levels of this guy in the red shirt. I think we've got a passer!"

These white guys might be on to something! They're fighting for a pure America and their American flag might be the first one since The New 52 began that actually got the flag exactly right! I mean, I didn't count the stars but at least the number and color of the stripes are correct.

The racists storm Connor Hawke's Race-Free Sanctuary where nobody sees color or hears cultural accents or smells strange spices sticking to people's clothes. Everybody is the same here! He fires his Green Arrow flares up into the air to create a huge green arrow pointing at his apartment building. Green Arrow sees it and thinks, "Hmm. A literal green arrow! I'm 75% certain that it's meant for me!" He then rushes to help his son save the day. I'm pretty sure Connor is his son because this issue was called "Father and Son." Perhaps I'm being too aggressive in my assumptions?

Fucking white people. And that asshole passing for white.

Green Arrow drives away the Boys of Purity and while they're running away (again), they threaten the person kicking their ass (again). They better come back with better weapons than boards with nails in them and meat cleavers. I bet they're going home to get their grenades and uzis!

With the vile, despicable, gross, problematic human beings gone (see how much I hate them? I have to make sure everybody knows how much I hate them so they don't think I like them by omission of calling them gross), Connor Hawke is able to tell Green Arrow that he's his son. Green Arrow is all, "No way! I can't be your father!" And Connor Hawke is all, "Is it because I have eyes and skin?" And Green Arrow is all, "Those are actually good things, dude."

While they discuss the upcoming Father/Son dance, Planet Brainiac drops the first, second, and other shoe. Immediately after the dome falls, Connor and Ollie wind up in a new city. Kind of. It must be Kingdom Come Metropolis because they round a corner and run into an alternate version of Dinah and a female version of Connor Hawke.

Convergence: Green Arrow #1 Rating: This felt like an episode of Jem and the Holograms except with less music. But I think I learned a lesson about racism in the requisite half an hour allotted to the story (minus commercial breaks for sugary breakfast cereal, fruit drinks in pouches, and toys). I learned that racism is ineffective as a defense against arrows; if your abandoned son ever finds you to deny, deny, deny; and if somebody winds up denying you for whatever reason, blame your stupid eyes and lousy skin and maybe your toes as well. Oh! I also learned one more thing: I'm still not a fan of Green Arrow. Keep trying, DC Comics!

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #1

Fuck you, Zero Hour!

I've been heavily into reading comic books for thirty years. I began reading comics on a regular monthly basis right around Issue #3 or so of Crisis on Infinite Earths. Before that I had only read comic books that wound up in my hands due to my grandfather who would go to trailer parks in the area and pick up all of the papers to take to the recycling place. He also used to pick up any other recyclable materials like cans or metal. He was an environmentalist way before it was cool. Or a meth addict. Sometimes he would wind up with a shipping box or two of comic books and give them to me. I remember reading a lot of Daredevil, Hulk, and Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD! I also began reading Elfquest in fifth or sixth grade.

I mention my history because I thought Crisis on Infinite Earths was some spectacular, once-in-a-lifetime event. If I'd known anything about the previous fifty years of DC's history, I might have noted the change from Golden Age to Silver Age but that was just a change due to the popularity of certain types of comics leading to a waning of popularity of super heroes and then, years later, their resurgence. It wasn't a conscious effort by the company to redefine their heroes' universe. So Crisis seemed pretty fucking important.

I was immediately aware of the problems which Crisis created because my cousin Jason was a big Infinity Inc. fan and boy did those characters get fucked balls deep by the event. The thing I wasn't aware of was how much DC Comics cared about fixing the fuck out of everything! For some reason, they seemed to think they could gain complete mastery over the beast they had unleashed. Zero Hour was not so much a fix as DC Comics throwing their hands up in the air and screaming, "OH MY GOD IT'S EATING MY FACE!" But before they screamed that, they really seemed to think that they could tighten every single valve whenever steam shot out of the system so that the whole thing would chug along nicely. Zero Hour proved that every fix just put added pressure on a universe ready to blow at any moment. I thought they were going to walk away from Zero Hour and just go over to Pilate's bowl of water, shove him out of the way, and scrub the fucking fuck out of their bloody, bloody hands.

But apparently they weren't done tweaking because ten years or so later, Final Crisis! See that "final" in the title there? They were convinced that, this time, they'd do it! They'd scrub the universe clean of errors and bullshit! Well, ha ha, guess what? It was still too broken for their liking. DC Comics should have learned to just ignore anybody who ever pointed out anything that didn't fit (especially their own nagging demons). But they couldn't. They just fucking couldn't. It had to be right! And so we got The New 52 which was supposed to completely and utterly fix everything by erasing all seventy years of continuity and just starting over with a bunch of Issue #1s and characters with limited histories.

How did they even fuck that one up, amirite? Forget the anger of the fans that were sad they lost characters they loved. This should have worked, right? How easy is it to just begin over? Super easy! The problem is DC Comics had no faith in what they were doing. So they kept a lot of history for most of the characters but now it all happened in a five year span. Some characters *COUGH*GREENLANTERN*COUGH* didn't even start over! They threw out the things they didn't like but kept everything else. And that was their problem. They either needed to go whole hog and just start over completely with possible new origins and directions for many of the characters or they were just going to become mired in the same old shit. Guess which they chose?

See, DC? The problem is that you can't keep Green Lantern unchanged without leaving a bunch of threads that lead back to virtually (possibly literally) all of the big events in DC's history. That means in the first five years of The New 52, you have the Death of Superman and Parallax and the destruction of Coast City and...uh oh...Zero Hour which means the revamping of the big characters which leads back to Crisis which...well, you get it all. But now it all happened in five years. FIXED! TA DA!

The preceding wasn't meant to be a history of DC Comics. It's just my reaction to it as it happened. Zero Hour taught me only one thing: DC Comics was fucking obsessed with making itself flawless. It was a sad revelation and I felt bad for pointing at laughing at them constantly.

This issue begins with Kyle Rayner visiting Hal Jordan who has been imprisoned for feeling sorry for himself.

He's also Sinestro's best friend and his worst enemy! He's a full and an empty diaper! He's caffeinated and decaffeinated coffee! He's a dick and a pussy!

Hal Jordan killed the Guardians of the Universe which also makes him a murderer and a hero! He is such an enigma! And a riddle! But he's not a knock knock joke. Kyle Rayner is the knock knock joke.

KNOCK KNOCK!
WHO'S THERE?
GAIL SIMONE'S CAREER!

That's the end of the joke. I didn't say it was a very good Knock Knock joke! But it does end with a refrigerator door being opened. The knocking must have been from a loose limb lying in an off-balance crisper drawer.

Hal Jordan gives us a synopsis of why his life is a complete train wreck and why he deserves to sit in a jail cell even though nobody on Earth has any idea who The Guardians of the Universe were. I think the murders happened out of Earth jurisdiction, Hal. You should just go kill yourself by drinking too many milkshakes. That's how I'd commit suicide.

"Plus I just really, really, really wanted to kill those arrogant fucking blue bastards!"

Hal also murdered the rest of the Green Lantern Corps which seems like a thing he probably shouldn't have done. Kyle leaves and the Metropolis Police Officer remains behind to point out to Hal that murdering in space isn't in Earth's jurisdiction and, besides, Hal was a space cop, right? Cops can kill whoever they want and they don't have to do jail time! So why is Hal throwing out the best perk of being a cop?! But Hal is all, "I murdered my friends. Wah wah wah."

Just before Planet Brainiac makes his announcement and returns Parallax to Hal Jordan's psyche, Kyle thinks about his girlfriend Alex whom he found in the fridge a year ago. At this point, DC Comics can pretty much pick and choose the events they want to keep in the cut off of the arrival of the dome and they choose to keep Alex's murder? I think what they realize is that Kyle Rayner has never developed enough character without that event! It's also possible that the other stories taking place in Pre-Zero Hour don't really make sense unless they've happened after that event but who remembers those kinds of details after all these years anyway? Besides King Beauregard, Keeper of the Histories, of course. Need to know how many different styles of sneakers Jason Todd wore over the years? He's your man!

I just wish I could remember any specifics from all those years I read comic books!

Planet Brainiac drops the handkerchief and everybody is off to the races! Especially Parallax! He's all, "That cop was very convincing. No jury would indict me! Indict. What a weird word. Why is it pronounced that way? The world must die!"

"One of these cities must have access to a universal GPS. Although the initials of such a device would probably be different! Probably UPS!"

Parallax doesn't even consider checking in at STAR Labs. I think he's just looking for an excuse to destroy another city.

Kyle chases after Parallax to talk some sense into Hal. It's time for one of those "I know you're in there!" and "Friendship will win out!" speeches!

You can't even see his eyes, asshole.

And then Kyle is blasted in the back by Lady Quark's Princess Fern's army of lightning tanks. That's convenient! Now Parallax can murder them all without any guilt! Although once all the guilt builds up, won't it cause Hal Jordan to go all Spectre-y?

Apparently Lady Quark is off battling Supergirl right now. Princess Fern is her daughter Liana. Not that any of that matters since Parallax is about to turn Electropolis into a smoking crater. But that will have to wait until next issue which will give Kyle Rayner time to get his wits about him and stop Parallax because nobody must die!

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #1 Rating: I don't really give a shit about Kyle Rayner or Parallax so this issue was the equivalent of wiping my ass after a perfect shit. It was, in the strictest sense, unnecessary but I felt compelled to read it anyway. Before this whole Convergence thing is over, I'm going to have to dig out all of my DC Comics Universe Changing Mini-series and give them a read. So far I have to read Flashpoint and Zero Hour. My guess is the third week's books (which I haven't really looked at yet) are Pre-Crisis since one of them is the original Batman and the Outsiders team. So I'll have to dig out Crisis as well. The fourth week's main city will probably take place Pre-Final Crisis but I don't own that. I think it ends in Superboy Prime punching everything in existence or something.

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #1

I have nothing worthwhile to say about Steel.

So. John Henry, steel driving man! I get it! Now that the whole joke is understood, what's left of this character? He's like a guy, right? And Superman is dead so this guy takes over or something. He's like, "Hey! Superman is dead! Job opening!" And the Super Hero Union is all, "Boo! Scab! Scab! Boo!" But Steel sticks to his hammer and he's all, "BANG! BANG! BANG!" At least while John Henry was out there protecting Metropolis, Lex Luthor had time to take a vacation. I bet with Superman dead, Luthor's blood pressure dropped like three sizes, or whatever blood pressure is measured in. Cubits?

Maybe this is just the comic book to make me fall in love with John Henry! At the very least, maybe it will provide some sweet old fashioned wank material.

I really don't know anything about Steel!

Well look at that! I nailed the most important aspect of the character! Scab!

Apparently the Dome understands the difference between Comic Book Gadgets and Closer To Real Life Gadgets. So Steel's costume still works because it's a bunch of riveted pieces of armor covering his body with jet propulsion boots. Although if he's got that organic metal, I'm going to stuff my fist straight up my ass so I can punch myself in the stomach without the muscles in the way. I don't know why I'm going to do that to myself. Self-hating hater, I guess. Anyway, so Steel's shit works but Roy Harper's cybernetic arm and Ray Palmer's Shrink-a-dink Belt ceased working because they're too comic booky, right? However it works, the day the Dome dropped over Metropolis was the day Steel became the happiest clam in shit full of methamphetamine! Unless the saying is happier than a pig wearing lipstick on a morphine drip?

By the way, the creator of Steel is writing this issue so it should be totally authentic and any arguments I might have against how well-written it is are instantly invalid. It's a good thing I already mentioned that I know nothing about the character! How embarrassing if I began telling the creator of Steel, Louise Simonson, how to write her boring character!

Judging by the decor, Steel lives in an old brewery with his niece, her cat Allie Cat who is going to become Streaky soon (I hope) because they're experimenting on the poor thing, a Professor Hamilton who was mentioned previously in the Pre-Flashpoint Universe in Superman (so that might be important! Maybe all of the Professor Hamiltons will work together to save all the cities! Or at least each of the cities that is home to a Professor Hamilton. Is there a Doc Hamilton in El Inferno?), and some kid playing a Gameboy or something. Judging by the cover, he'll be a Junior Steel along with Natasha (Ah! Satan!).

As Steel and the others are pretending that shooting a cat full of nano-particles scratched off of the inner Dome is legitimate science and not just cruelty, two people in green and yellow armor crash through the walls of the S.T.A.R. Brewery and fly out the other side as they battle.

"Holy shit! It didn't die from the bullshit I subected it to! I mean: Yes! I'm a genius! Inject some of that shit into yourselves, kids!"

Steel's fight against the Ex-Lex-Luthor Rangerbotmen begins to damage Bibbo's bar! Missiles are flying everywhere and horrible slurs are being shouted back and forth and giant hammers are smashing bad guys' lungs in! It's complete chaos! And with the odds stacked so hugely against Steel, there's no possible way he can win. Unless...unless...send in the cat!

Professor Hamilton suggests the kids put on their Junior Steel armor so they can go save Bibbo's bar. As if Bibbo needs any help! He's a rough, tough, cigar chomping, drunken, Sailor Jerry tattooed, entrepreneurial slob! And he's got a shotgun! And an attitude! Of course, he's no Sean Noonan!

Just when Natasha and Jemahl begin thinking they're the cocks of the woks, the dome drops and all the bad guys with super powers return! First up, that perennial Metropolitan baddie: Parasite! It's not as surprising as it would have been if I'd have purchased the Chip Kidd cover.

This feels like an all ages Adventures of Superman comic book! Which isn't a bad thing. That was just a neutral observation which I can sometimes make.

As Steel sends the kids to their rooms to play with the mutated cat and get wild ideas about becoming mutated children, Steel himself heads off to put down Parasite. But that's when he runs into Gen 13! I didn't recognize Fairchild because she appears in just a Boobs pose with no butt to be seen! And she's in a really modest onesie! I recognize Grunge because Fairchild uses his name and he got his ass kicked by Superboy in The New 52. But the other members of Gen 13 I know less of than I know of Steel. I think the one with the band-aid on her knee is Scrapper and the one with fringe on her boots is Trapper and the boy on fire is Crapper.

When a few of their real names are mentioned (Burnout and Freefall), it triggers the memory that they were mentioned in the final issue (or one of the final issues) of Superboy.

Steel's not so sure he should be fighting a bunch of kids no matter what a strange voice commanded. Plus they've got a bunch of crazy super powers and Steel hasn't even been injected with organic metal yet! He's going to need help which is why Natasha dives into the battle. But she forgets the cat. When the fuck is the new Streaky going to get a chance to prove herself?!

Natasha, being just an inexperienced kid, almost gets killed by Gen 13 who are fully experienced kids. Wink, wink! Steel dives into the way of their blasts and his armor is destroyed! Oh no! What is he going to do now?! It is the end for our scab hero!

But then Parasite arrives to drain Caitlin Fairchild's power! Whatever it is! Natasha grabs Steel and takes him back to the brewery to get help as Gen 13 battles Parasite. Luckily Natasha calls Steel "Uncle Steel" in public because Caitlin begins to realize that perhaps they shouldn't be fighting other people just because a loud, ominous voice tells you to. Natasha calling Steel "uncle" is a huge clue because bad guys don't have relatives! Who would make good guys fight other good guys?! The mystery thickens like gravy!

Streaky don't give a shit.

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #1 Rating: I liked the tone of this comic book. I realize the book ended with Steel's back being broken but it still has a lighter, more carefree comic book tone that is often eschewed by comic book companies today unless it's an all ages comic book. A book like this with light continuity that affects the locale and the characters within that locale, sort of goofy dialogue, scientists injecting stray cats with syringes full of random shit, Bibbo...I could enjoy a comic book like this. Things don't have to be serious nor do they have to be realistic. When a book takes itself too seriously, unrealistic shit is annoying. But when a book is molded with this tone, I can more easily forgive smaller flaws that might usually make my head explode. This isn't going to be a major turning point in Steel's life long remembered by fans as a touchstone in the development in the medium of comic books. But it was stupid fun! I'll take stupid fun over a writer failing to be profound any day.

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #1

I'm glad they throw that "Batman" above the "Shadow of the Bat" title. I wouldn't want to accidentally buy a Man-Bat comic book.

Judging by the covers of the Convergence comic books for this week, the main city being focused on will be Post-Crisis or Pre-Zero Hour or Post-Zero Hour Metropolis. I guessed Metropolis simply because this week has Superboy, Supergirl, and Steel. But this cover kind of gives it away anyway with Batman Azrael jumping past the Daily Planet.

I guess with one of the comics being "Green Lantern/Parallax," I should have firmed up my vote for Pre-Zero Hour. But even though there's about ten years between Crisis and Zero Hour, Post-Crisis and Pre-Zero Hour are still kind of the same chunk of the DC Universe, you know?

Oh boy! The original WildC.A.T.s! I hope all of the writers remembered to give them horrible dialogue and all of the artists remembered to draw too many lines and pouches on them! And I think all of them should have at least one shiny or scarred or eyepatch-covered eye! Maybe that was just the X-men when Liefeld was drawing it. Or am I thinking about X-factor? Does it matter as long as there is an "X" at the front of it?

Let me get this straight, Narrator. A place doesn't begin to truly exist until it's been gentrified? I think some people might call it an ending too. And even though you've covered your ass by mentioning its a warehouse district that's been gentrified and not a lower economic district, that's still an ending to a lot of people because why do you think an area gets gentrified? Sure, low property value. But you also need buzz, incentive, and word of mouth to get people to move to the area. So my guess is that these "warehouses" were being used as cheap lofts for artists and a thriving art scene was beginning in this area. And then developers got cartoon money signs in their eyes and the artists were gone soon after. And now it's just a shallow, hollow representation of something that had previously had a real community and a soul.

Currently on the edge of Metropolis where everything is ending, Bruce Wayne is being threatened by Tobias Whale. He's Wilson Fisk's uglier, more bloatedly corpselike cousin. Tobias leaves Bruce to be beaten by his henchman, Johnny New Guy. I guess Johnny New Guy needs a nickname so they're going to see how he tortures Bruce Wayne to see what might stick. Johnny Popsicle Stick? Johnny Toothy Blow Job? Johnny Aggressive Rim Job? Easily Bribed Johnny?

Turns out he already has a nickname: Azrael! Ugh! I hope he gets killed before he has a chance to continue to exist in the DC Universe. He always reminded me of Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch. I just wanted to stick a javelin up Oliver's ass and post him on the front lawn as a warning to future television show writers. I'm not going to defend The Brady Bunch as a powerhouse landmark television show but who the fuck decided the show was more interesting by introducing an annoying little albino troll into it? Staked right next to Cousin Oliver would be Andy from Family Ties and Olivia from The Cosby Show (although she might have used her psychic powers to see me coming and gotten away). Apparently introducing a small child into a series works or else why keep doing it? I guess there's a television watching demographic that only watches shows with totally adorable children in them OH MY GOD they say the cutest scripted things!

Oh! Maybe I should get a cute kid mascot for my site! I wonder if my niece Kameila would take the gig?

Bruce Wayne wants to team up with Val-Jean-Paul Saint Whatever but Azrael is worried that Batman won't let him kill if it comes down to it. Oh, don't worry about that, Jean-Paul! As long as Batman tells you he disapproves of killing and forbids you to kill, you can still kill when the time for killing comes around. As long as Batman doesn't get his hands bloody directly, he's pretty much okay with it. He might give you all kinds of stink eye about it but what's he going to do? Kill you?

Jean-Paul agrees to work with Bruce Wayne and then beats the shit out of him anyway. For, as Bruce puts it, "verisimilitude"! That should be my constant status: "Grunion Guy is feeling verisimilitudinous!" So Jean-Paul beats him down and earns the nickname Johnny "Careful Not To Hurt A Guy's Spine."

Did Larry Hama just get a thesaurus for Easter?

Maybe he would have been better off with a style guide.

I know I'm not winning any editorial awards for my use of punctuation but that's part of the Grunion Guy style (like overusing parenthetical references (and eschewing em dashes (and not knowing how to use regular dashes (or periods (or all the punctuation, actually))))). But a double period?! Even for comedic effect, I would never journey into that heart of darkness! I know one rule and by God I will never break that one rule! Even right now when it would make me laugh by ending this sentence with a double period.

I hope some of you got the double period joke at the end of that last sentence!

Tobias Whale wants Bruce to prove himself by using his political influence to find out the route the food convoy will take for its next delivery. Bruce Wayne agrees and heads off to use his political influence on Erasmus Hall.

Or he'll just stand around as Val-Jean threatens the man for the information.

I just realized I have as much political influence as Bruce Wayne! I can also stand in the background as somebody else threatens a politician to do what they want! Yay for the machinations of politics! I wish somebody had gotten me a thesaurus for Easter so I can know if I used "machinations" right! Maybe I should have stuck with my original line, "the cyborgs of politics!"

Holy shit! Don't mention cake in front of Tobias! Not in this post-cake climate!

Tobias is happy that they now know the route but he's worried that Erasmus Hall will get a "pang of conscience" and go back on his deal. So he does the typical thing that mobsters do to make sure somebody working for them isn't a cop: they ask the guy to kill somebody for them. Tobias Whale isn't a very good mobster. Didn't he just bring Bruce Wayne on to use Bruce's political influence? Shouldn't he trust that Bruce Wayne's political influence (we all understand that every time I type "political influence," I actually mean "money," right?) has placed Erasmus Hall in their pocket? If he's just going to threaten and kill politicians, why the fuck does he need Bruce Wayne? I think The Whale is just toying with Bruce and Val-Jean-Jean-Val.

It turns out Whale already had his goons throw Erasmus off of a building after Bruce and Johnny-Paul's meeting. It's all over the news which is playing in the background of their mobster meeting because this is a comic book. Rule One of comic books is that a television set must always be nearby tuned to the local news.

This is an absolutely fair representation of the media. "Your husband is dead, miss! How does that make you feel? What's your daughter crying for? Is she sad at the bloody passing of her father?"

I know that what I'm doing doesn't mean anything and it isn't making the world a better place. But it isn't actively making the world a worse place either (unless you're Scott Lobdell's mother and then I'm truly sorry, ma'am, that your son is so awful at writing that it turns me into the werewolf version of my usual cheery, comic book reviewing self). But television reporters generally can't say that. They intrude on people's lives in a desperate attempt to get more viewers and more fame and more recognition and more money for their outlet. And what truly drives me crazy? They think they're doing the country or state or local community a service. And they truly think everybody is dying to get interviewed by them and appear on local television. Which is why I love that "Fuck her right in the pussy" guy because he shits all over their pretentious bullshit. Newscasters get so fucking offended when somebody doesn't take their on the street reporting seriously.

Come on, Grunion Guy! Pull back on the throttle! That's it! That's it! Whew. Recovered! Talking about "journalism" or "media" or "local news" always sends me into a tailspin from which I seldom recover and wind up writing the same rant over and over again. How many times do I need to bitch about the state of news media and journalism? I suppose I wouldn't care so much if they realized they're not doing anything but trying to make money. It's the attitude that they think they're needed that irks the fuck out of me. That boring ass BBC chap on PBS is about the only newsperson I can watch without completely freaking the fuck out and scaring the cat.

Larry Hama. Enough! Give me that thesaurus right now!

I'm beginning to think maybe Larry Hama had a crazy mother that told him to "get thee to an OED!"

For being the World's Greatest Detective, maybe Bruce needs to do a little soul detecting on himself. He thinks he's Bruce Wayne and not The Batman? Laughable! And sad! He just sounds like that girl that protests too much in that Charlie Brown Christmas Special. I think it was Peppermint Patty?

Batman and Azrael are waiting to stop Tobias's hijacking of the food convoy. Azrael leaps off the building when the trucks arrive while Batman carefully takes the stairs.

This is the denouement? When did I miss the climax?! Also, I didn't realize Road Warrior was an hour and a half of denouement!

Batman is going to kick himself for having that nagging broken back because a lot of innocent people die while he's taking the stairs. The Whale's plan was to kill the convoy's protection and then kill the drivers of the trucks. After that, his team would hook the trucks up to tow trucks to haul them away. I don't like that plan. He should have hired some helicopters with gigantic magnets underneath to catch the trucks and fly them back to his compound!

That's "another think coming," lady. I guess Larry Hama didn't get a book of sayings to go along with the thesaurus and the OED.

I know people say "another thing coming" so much that it's basically the accepted version of the saying now. Even Judas Priest got it wrong and we know how scholarly they usually attempt to be in their lyrics. The other saying I can't help but mention when I pedantically correct somebody getting this one wrong is the "music soothes the savage beast" line. It's breast. "Soothe the savage breast." Lesson ended! Mic not dropped because nobody actually fucking cares about this petty shit. Fuck, even I don't really care! Say whatever you want! What do I care? In another ten years, I probably won't even be able to communicate with the next generation!

Batman confronts Tobias Whale and I'm pretty sure there's some Moby Dick references here but I wouldn't know having never read it. I think it's about a white whale who is drinking buddies with a guy named Ahab who rides around on a gay luxury liner making outfits out of whale dick skin.

Dammit, Bruce! You should have said, "I'm tired of your repartee, so I'm going to end your partay!" Plus I would have gone with the "BLAMMO!" sound effect.

While Whale is busy getting punched in the face, he's also busy watching Azrael kill his henchmen. That way he can say to Batman, "You're practically a murderer because you're teamed up with a murderer! In your face!" And Batman is all, "Eww! Why I'll...actually, I don't care. None of my business if other vigilantes are murderers. As long as they kill people who have, at least, just slightly broken the law. Those miscreants deserve it!"

The next big battle is Batman trying to talk Val-Jean out of murdering the last of The Whale's henchmen. She head butts Azrael's helmet and screams, "Butt out, Bat-creep." That, apparently, is too much for Azrael and now he just has to murder her. How can he not? If he doesn't kill her now, the terrorists win. Plus if he lets her live, he might be sent into an existential quandary which will cause him to start singing "Who Am I?"

Planet Brainiac decides it would be a good time to explain the rules of the upcoming contest. Batman wants to try to stop the battle from happening but Azrael just wants an excuse to punch things in the face and then to put a bullet in that face too. They don't know it yet but their opponents are two WildC.A.T.s, Jester and Pilgrim. They have metal chins and sketchy appearances. Pilgrim can "time-slip" because she's probably named after Billy Pilgrim which is like totally smart and shit. You know it's super smart because even that kid in that movie about football, Varsity Blues, was reading Slaughterhouse Five which totally showed how his character was smart and shit. The other WildC.A.T. is named "Jester" because he either pilots jets or says brutally truthful things to people without fear of reprisal.

One more opponent will apparently appear next issue because reality shifts right at the end of the comic book in such a way that even Batman can feel it even though I don't know where he developed his "reality shift detection training." I bet it's Pariah! Or Kingdom Come Spectre! Those are my only two guesses because I can't remember enough about Crisis and Kingdom Come to make any others. I can name characters and seem like I remember stuff though! Lady Quark! Harbinger! Magog!

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #1 Rating: The art in this issue was that weird kind of sort of realistic art that doesn't quite do it for me kind of art, you know? And the story was that kind of recycled undercover infiltration kind of story that's kind of tired and overdone, right? And it didn't even need to be in this! It's almost as if Larry Hama decided a few pages in that the undercover shit wasn't really going anywhere so he just put the heroes in costumes and let them go toe to toe with The Whale. Although since the WildC.A.T.s time-slipped, maybe their knowledge of the undercover personas of Bruce Wayne and Jean Val-Jean will come into play next issue. I would find that acceptable! Since I have nothing left to say about this comic book, here is a cartoon about some bats that live the Batman philosophy of life.